Today I will have energy and use it to the best of my ability

[lighter]

Today...... I promise to:

Jump rope until I can't jump any more.... (prolly take about 4 minutes but I may go 5 minutes tomorrow, so no worries.)

I will clean out my cars.

I will edit the stuff that flowed out of my car into the garage the past 3 months.  Mostly girls school stuff. Must put away what I want to save, throw the rest away, which is hard but I can do it and I will.

I will spend some time with smelly candles lit, doing something enjoyable in the house, like hanging cool art.  I wish I had someone to enjoy/share it with, but I really don't but I won't let that stop me or keep me from the enjoyment. 

I will have a lovely bath ritual with the girls and not be rushed through it.  Paint fingers and toes, read before bed and enjoy every second of it.  I'll even work on my own feet a bit..... they really need it.

I will banish negative thoughts when they intrude.

I will observe if I can't completely banish negative thoughts and discover where they're coming from.

Today is a crisp cool fall day, my very favorite. 

I'm clean and refreshed after all the sickness, challenges and frantic activity of the holiday.

Every day can be a new beginning, I can see that again. 

We can choose what we invite...... people, thoughts and activities.

Now..... to start the list.

[betr4]

We can choose what we invite...... people, thoughts and activities.

Now..... to start the list.

Lighter,
I love what you shared.  Today I am taking care of myself and responsible for how I feel, who I am with and what I do.

I listed my positive character assets this morning and I am going to use them today, replacing negative thoughts too.

Today I am responsible for my own choices.

Thanks, BR

[tayana]

Oh Lighter, I love this . . .

Today, I don't really have energy because my body is still adjusting to my medicine and my flu shot.  In spite of that, I will . . .

Finish off my laundry because I love the smell of clean laundry and the piles make me anxious.

Do my best not to get angry at M because he won't clean up his mess, no matter how many times I tell him. 

Do my best to assist M with his homework, without getting frustrated. 

Do my best to take care of myself by listening to my new Melissa Ethridge CD, fixing my shelf for my bedroom, and hanging up the rest of my curtains.

I will try not to think about my messed up family or the effect they've had on my life.

I will try to be a good parent and not cringe if M wants to go outside alone.

I will try to be patient.

I will go to the library and enjoy my time there without worrying about all of the things that have to get done.

I'll find a place for the plants I brought in from outside for the winter.

I'll fix something yummy for dinner, even though I know M won't eat any of it.

This is a very long list, and I should probably stop  now, I could go on at some length.

I've not been writing in my  journal because I"ve been feeling better, other than the tiredness from my medicine.  I won't say I"ve been feeling great, but definitely better.

[Ami]

Today I will trust myself even though people around me are trying to make me feel guilty for not "loving them enough."
 I will trust myself to listen to my "core".
 A person has to have my best interests at heart ( basically) for me to trust them
 If s/one has hurt me,I am not a bad person that I can't trust them until I see real evidence of change and  of having my back(basically)
  I will trust myself to listen to what my "core' needs to do in order to heal.
  All this is very ,very new, as I always gave myself away to other people so they would like me and THEN I would be O.K.( how many bleh's is this?)
    Ami

[lighter]

OK.... so glad I got to read other people's uplifting thoughts and plans for their days.

I got some of the things on my list done and, in true lighter fashion, other things done that weren't on the list bc I'm easily sidetracked.

Only one car is cleaned out but laundry got caught up.

Smelly candle burned and children had lovely long bath thought nothing got painted.

I got excersice hauling large heavy items to the dump...... which wasn't on the list either.....it was terribly physical so not feeling bad about skipping jump rope.


The energy ebbed and flowed yesterday..... but I was grateful that it came at all.

Tay..... re M.  When frustrating moments present themselves..... just accept the moment as it is and don't wish for something different.  It is what it is and you might as well enjoy it, if you can. 


bet:  We do choose who and what we invite.... and sometimes it's hard to see or remember, isn't it?

Ami:  When you say..... "All this is very ,very new,"......  I have to disagree.  It's not a new concept. It's just something you haven't gotten your hands dirty with yet.

 It's painful and uncomfortable..... but it's no more so than staying where you are. 

It's just different...... unfamiliar. 

You'll begin to feel better once you start jumping in, jumping off and learning to swim.  How else would anyone learn?

As far as people telling you that you don't love them enough..... it's ok to love them the way you need to love them.  Whatever way that is..... it's Ok.  If your husband isn't trustworthy.... then you would be a fool to extend trust, so don't.  Have you given him concrete actions he can do.... to make you feel safer?




 

[Poppy Seed]

OOOO!  I want to do this too........

Today I will:

I will slow the pace of my day.  Just one thing after another.  No running and stressing.  No guilt.  Do only what I can do.

I will stay on my cleansing diet.  (I am pretty convinced that I have overrun candida.  I am starting with the diet and threelac and lots of other supplements.)

I will read my scriptures, pray, and do it with my kids too.

I will smile. 

I will walk for 30 min. 

I will clean up the house after the weekend.  But I won't stress out if it doesn't get all done.

I won't think about how fat I feel and how embarrassed I am because of the rash on my face.  I will stand strong and not assume that others think the worst of me.  I will have faith in the best of people.

I will get a B-12 shot even though I am afraid of it.

I will listen to my true voice in my very center and try to drown out the other voices. 

I will not ruminate about the things I cannot change.

I will believe today that I am enough.....just the way I am.

I will be grateful for what I do have.....and not measure what I don't.


Light,  it is gonna feel so good to get rid of the "Stuff"  whether it is yours or someone else's.  Symbolic of our mental stuff.  Out with the old and tired and unwelcome visitors.  I am doing this slowly with all my stuff.  And I feel so good!  Saturday is the basement and the garage!!  Lighter, I hope you feel lighter!  (lol and slapping my knee.  I kill myself!  )  sorry....bad joke.


Pops

[lighter]

Heh... Pops.... you're killin'me, lol.

I do feel lighter though I have so much to do, still.

At least I'm moving.

I called on my car today... the one that got cleaned over weekend.  Towe service arrives anytime now and appt set with dealer to dx problem.  DONE!

I haven't set the sale date but perhaps in a couple weeks I will move that furniture and other stuff.  H wants to put it all in an 18 wheeler trailer and set it aside.  That could be a solution but I think just creates more problems in teh long run.

I know everyone will have "plans" for their things once I announce I'm getting rid of them.  I wish I could just send out a note that says they have till (Blank) time to get them or they are being sold on (Blank) date, checks will be forwarded accordingly. 

I think she's heading for a terrible breakdown and that makes me feel very dark and panicky, since holidays are here.  She arrives with big sloppy suitcases overfilled with more crap than anyone should travel with and heads up carny world wherever she goes.  It takes months to get the children back into a normal routine after she's gone.  I think she's driven her very normal sane husband nuts and that bodes very unwell for my niece.  Right now she's taking the poor dear to a therapist where she's decided that the root of all their problems is...... HIM, her H.  ::shaking head::  I can't even respond when she tells me things like that.  OMG>... I feel like vomiting again.  ::gulp::

Does anyone know how to handle that feeling brought on by crazy people insisting their skewed view is correct?  I can't get used to it, in fact.... I'm more sensitive to it NOW than I ever was.  I'll try reciting "Fuzzy Wuzzzy was a bear" like Hope suggested but.....
I think I need stronger stuff, I need to be able to respond so that I feel I'm helping my niece: ( 

Not just saving myself a good barf.

In the meantime..... I will pay bills today and clean out other car.  Put numbers together, which I;ve been putting off, for H to catch up bills that I;ve been paying.  The agreement was that he pay household bills.... he hasn't.  Part my fault, must remedy TODAY.

Poppy: I feel heathier and better today..... ready for a cleansing, perhaps a fast but not up to it willpower-wise right now.  What kind of cleanse are you practicing.  Just juices?  Lots of sugar.... bad for the candida.  Have you been taking your daily dose of acidopholis? 

I just decided to make a lovely ham and bean soup from Honeybaked today!  All is in the house and ready for my attention.  I love having mommy food on hand.  Maybe make some rice or cornbread to go with.  I wish the children would eat soup: /

[tayana]

Lighter, wish I could say I knew how to deal with that feeling induced by crazy people, but I don't.  You can always imagine something naughty to keep the feeling at bay, you know, like them hanging from a tree in their underwear . . .

I've been around 10 year olds too long.  I'm starting to think like one.

I got through the day.  M and I had a fight.  He yelled at me, then I yelled at him, but it was after homework was done. We had to have a talk about homework, because "I don't care if I fail" is not acceptable when the problem is simply, "I don't want to do this stupid assignment."  Not, I don't understand or I can't do it or it's too hard I need help.  Just, "I don't want to do it because the answers are too long."  Suggestions for that?  Anyone want to adopt him for about a week?  I got frustrated, but somehow . . . homework got done, room got cleaned (sort of), rat cage was cleaned and shavings vacuumed up.  I considered it a victory.  M now thinks I hate him only sometimes.  I don't know how to make him understand that isn't true.  Maybe I'll ask my T.

Lighter, the holidays are not here yet.  I refuse to say they are . . . it reminds me that I have to do Christmas shopping and stick to my budget of no more than $30 per person except for M.   I might get off cheap this year, depending on if my parents and I are speaking at Christmas.

So today . . . I really love this thread.

Today, I feel surprisingly good.  Really good.  Shockingly so.  So today I will . . .

Actually do some work at work (big concept, I know).

I'm going to fix the pasta dish I'd planned on last night.

I won't feel guilty for spending $10 more than I planned at the grocery store.

I will find time write (probably at work).

I am not going to cancel my vacation days for this week, because I'd already planned on them, and Friday wasn't relaxing with a sick kid.  I'd sort of made plans, and I'm keeping them.

I will talk to my T about my misperceptions of my parenting skills.

I will work on M's goal chart.

The TV will get shut off at 9pm, because we did that last night and it was awesome.

I will put away the dry laundry.

I will think about where that enormous plant is going to go, because I don't have a place for it yet.

Homework will get done . . . and I won't cheat doing it.

Somehow I will convey to M that I don't hate him.

I will say nothing about the messy desk, dresser or the dinosaurs in the floor of his room.

I won't go clean them up either.

I'll look at the job boards my friend sent me and see what sort of things are available that might be more interesting than where I'm at, even though it means a four state move.

I won't feel guilty about not calling my parents, my brother or anyone else.  Because I don't, not at the moment. 

I will tell M about the single parents group I found and talk about attending the meeting tomorrow night.

I won't kill M when he talks back, because even though he's talking back to me and throwing my own words in my face, this is actually a good thing.  It demonstrates self confidence.  He just has to learn that screaming and ordering me about is not respectful.

[Poppy Seed]

Ok. Ligher.  You are so mean!  Dangling warm soup and corn bread in front of me!  OHHHHH!  Enjoy every mouthful for me.  I am doing the no carbs/no dairy/no condiments thing.  Protien and veggies only for the first three weeks.  I think the candida is overrunning my whole system.  I have been trying to figure out my emotions, and health for months.  Four weeks ago, my face broke out in the strangest rash and now it is all over my scalp.  And the rest of my face itches like crazy and won't go away.   All I could think was candida.  So, I did the spitting in the cup test and a long written evaluation.  I score off the charts.  Anything over 120 was an idication of candida.  I scored 403.   I was so relieved to read the list of symptoms.  So many fit.  Like blurry vision ( I just got my eyes checked. I thought I needed glasses), lack of balance, depression, emotionality, and disabliing fatigue.  It all fits. I can't remember details and have a hard time recalling easy facts.  I know my thinking is better but I can't feel better emotionally and my PMS is out of control.  All these things fit the candida profile.  So, I am going to give it a shot and see if the three lac and the cleanse helps.  It is a 9 week cleansing diet.  It has three different phases, where I eliminate foods and then slowly add them to my diet.  I am three days in and that soup sounds really good.  I want! I want!  Oh well, back to my greens and eggplant!

Maybe you could do a cleanse that required less discipline than a fast.  Something where you eat yummy fruits and veggies for a few days.  Or just avoid big sugar offenders for a bit.

It sounds like you are really going to town on getting your things in order.  Such peace of mind when the money works and the cars work (and are clean and smell nice -- that is a bonus) and everything is in its place.  That is my kind of happy anyway -- with a few thing purposefully out of place so I fight the perfectionist in me.  You are doing so many wonderful things.  I am sure the whole household will feel the freshness of the new beginnings.

Is this crazy person (SHE) the sister in law that interupts showers with unannounced guests??????? We can't control them or their side of the conversation.  We take our hands off it and whine about them to our so incredibly cool board friends.  That is what we do.  And then we get stronger and less affected every time we meet them.  And then we tell our super cool and incredibly beautiful board friends about our successes. And then we all have cake!......except for me who will be enjoying a nice celery stick!

Tay,  YOU SOUND AWESOME!  Ohhhhh did you say pasta?????

[Ami]

<sub>bet:  We do choose who and what we invite.... and sometimes it's hard to see or remember, isn't it?

Ami:  When you say..... "All this is very ,very new,"......  I have to disagree.  It's not a new concept. It's just something you haven't gotten your hands dirty with yet.

 It's painful and uncomfortable..... but it's no more so than staying where you are. 

It's just different...... unfamiliar. 

You'll begin to feel better once you start jumping in, jumping off and learning to swim.  How else would anyone learn?

As far as people telling you that you don't love them enough..... it's ok to love them the way you need to love them.  Whatever way that is..... it's Ok.  If your husband isn't trustworthy.... then you would be a fool to extend trust, so don't.  Have you given him concrete actions he can do.... to make you feel safer?</sub>


Dear Lighter,
  I am going to confess s/thing that will make me look like an " idiot". When I read your simple explanation of why I should not "trust" my H after all these betrayals, I experienced "shock"
  Your reasoning was so simple. I have been so screwed up and so disconnected from my feelings that I was throwing  guilt on myself for s/thing that no "normal" person could do--- trust s/one that betrayed them for over 20 years--Ding-Ding(bell of " normality" going off )
  Lighter, sometimes I scare myself at how "screwed up" I am. I am blaming myself ( and he is blaming me) for not trusting him when he has betrayed and abused for over two decades.-hitting, slapping ,holding a chair over my head, turning my son against me etc
  Lighter, My M has so denuded me that  I don't know what  normal self protection is .. She made me feel so guilty for any self love and self care . She made it clear that my job was to denude myself and never stand up for  my own dignity and well being.
  Now, after a year on the board,I am just STARTING to see that I have a RIGHT to be treated with respect and I have a RIGHT to protect myself-- major bleh-  . Thank you Lighter for stating the obvious.                 Love   Ami

[tayana]

Pops, thanks!  I have to say I feel pretty darn good today.  I don't know why.  I just do. 

And  yes, I said pasta.  I'm going to try to make baked spaghetti.  I've never done it before, so it's something new.

Ami, your last post sounds like you're making great progress.  Keep going, girl.

[Ami]

Thanks  Tayana for saying that. I feel like I am so "stuck" but maybe seeing the "stuckness" IS the progress.                                       Love   Ami

[lighter]

Tay... you're so focused and in the moment.  How nice for you: )

M is practicing age appropriate behavior.... he's separating himself from you...... soon should be identifying with friends and sort of replacing his dependency on you.  It's what kids do and it's not personal, though it feels that way sometimes.

I'll be interested to hear what the T says about handling this.  

In the meantime, you reassure him, always, that you love him, will always love him no matter what, forever and ever.


I'll try the "hanging from a tree in their underwear" visual next time I'm dealing with craziness and let ya know how that works out for me, lol; )




Poppy:  Don't try to take away my sweeties..... you won't get far, lol.  ::enjoying bowl of yams and Bordeaux cookies.... for that perfect crunch::

I'm eating for emotional serenity and it just makes me feel worse.  I know the way out is to get busy with uplifting things and just DO.  So I'm DOING.  I understand how to get out of the mire.  I;ve done it so many times.... never gets much easier but at least you know it works and there will be a payoff..... eventually.

It'll get better and the byproduct will be my life will be more under control and feeling better for me.  My clothes will fit again, etc. My mother won't look at me with pity bc I'm starting to look like her and my sister.  

The nerve... it's OK for them to weight too much but not me... what's up with that?

I feel like puking again, for some reason.

My SIL is different than my Sister, btw.  I have interesting personal dynamics in several areanas of my family life.  You should see my SIL and Sister go at each other, btw.  They're opposites anyway and never pass up an oppoturnity to criticize, though they both have things they could work on.  They both feel they're perfect and you can't have a conversation with them without them addressing the issues they have with each other.  They never even see me or what I want to discuss.  It's about them and each other.  ALWAYS as unbalanced as I know that must sound.  

It's true.  

I'm going to put an end to them batting me around to get at each other.  I see that as a pattern through my history.  Not just with them, but it's them now.

 Must come up with a mantra........

Idea #1:  "Excuse me.... but you're out of your cotton pickin mind if you think I care to hear about that now."  ::smile sweetly::  

Any ideas?  My first ideas usually aren't my best.

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
  This is very hard to do  but I think that your answer is not so much a "mantra" but to stay centered in yourself.
  It could be "practice" to be true to yourself and your emotions ,even though you are being challenged by "craziness".
   I don't envy you b/c it sounds like you are taking a Ph.D exam with those relatives.
  I think that the important thing would be to try NOT to control the situation in any way. You will have to examine yourself to see if you have a "dog in the fight",in any way.IOW,does your ego need a certain outcome?
  I just saw how "control' works so it is a new thing with me to be able to see HOW much I try to control so I can look or feel  good-bleh.
  I think that if you take it as a learning experience ,it might be the best way to view it. Compost what does not fit.                    Love    Ami

((((((((((((Lighter))))))))))))))))))
 

[tayana]

M is practicing age appropriate behavior.... he's separating himself from you...... soon should be identifying with friends and sort of replacing his dependency on you.  It's what kids do and it's not personal, though it feels that way sometimes.

Lighter, I read an article about how teens often say they hate their parents and don't really mean it, that people shouldn't take it personally.  So when he tells me I'm mean.  I hate him because he has to do homework and clean his room, etc.  I just let him talk.  He gets mad.  He throws a tantrum.  I just let him, and I pretty much ignore it and make him do the task anyway, because he's got to learn to do things even when he doesn't want to.

I don't know about the friends thing, he's got to learn some social skills.  He does seem to have one friend this year, and he wants others, he just hasn't learned the give and take of friendship yet.

I hope the visual works for you.  Just keep mucking along, eventually we get to a good place.  ((((lighter)))))

Ami, I think the stuckness is part of the process.  I think it's being stuck that makes us realize something has to change.