Hi Everyone,
Such compassion, understanding and encouragement from all these posts has touched me and helped in ways I'm not sure how to express other than to say thank you.
After I wrote my post on Saturday night and read Ami's response I was able to cry and release some old pain. Afterwards I felt better so I decided to take a break from my pain, get a way from the computer and watch a movie. I had 4 netflix's, I grabbed one movie, not knowing what it was and put it in the DVD. It was The Last King of Scotland about Amin, the ruthless dictator of Uganda in the 70's. He and his regime were evil at it's height. Towards the end of the movie, after he had been betrayed, he was about to take sadistic revenge, the betrayer called Amin "a child." He was a toxic ruler and his rage at the betrayal of his parents had morphed him into a hatred filled violent man.
On Sunday I wanted to unplug completely and nurture myself. I spent the day knitting, reading and resting. I'm glad that I did, despite my hurt and anger this morning, I feel more grounded and hopeful today yet this morning I can feel the anger in my heart at the years my mom's betrayal. I just sit with the anger and pain and imagine a little girl who is really angry ands kicking and screaming or a teenager who is frustrated and embarrassed residing in me. I let myself be - but I do have the voices telling me that I am not very Christian like to feel so much anger.
When I got to work today I opened the office fridge and noticed that someone had ate all of my pudding cups over the weekend. I wanted to scream...over pudding cups! -- I had to laugh!
To Leah - Yes, I read A Boy Named It - What a story huh? Thank you for your warm and insightful post. You are a gentle person. I like that you don't label people, that is spiritual and loving to me and it is causing me to reflect.
There were a lot of questions as I read through all the posts and I hope that I can answer some.
The eventual outcome of all of this is a long story which I can or might tell later. Here are a few details: my girlfriend, Mary, found out on Monday when I returned to school what had happened. That was the last straw for her and her family who had become quite protective of me (how blessed I was). Her father was a police officer, I don't know what strings were pulled or what happened behind the scenes but eventually, after several months, I was placed in the county dependent unit and became a ward of the state moving in with a foster mom who was a loving and kind ex-nun. Over a period of 10 years she had over 250 teenage girls come through her home (another blessing in my life). We are still close.
A few weeks after the juvenile hall episode, my mom, in Hyde mode, drove me to a mental hospital and tried to have me committed. She left me there against the hospitals request that she not. Then, she, in Jekyll mode, came to pick me up and acted as if nothing happened.
My father was struggling, he was not against me, he wanted to help me and the family but he was confused and frightened. My mom was so abusive to him and he was pretty beaten down by the time that I was a teenager.
Thank you all for your posts.
Lise
