Ami, I completely agree that LVs need to be MORE narcissistic (more self-admiring, more self-loving, more self-praising, more self-seeking, more self-concerned, more looking after self, they need more SELF). Being selfish is totally necessary to survival and health. My LV M believed all selfishness was 'evil.' (taught that by N parents). I believed her, but she was so wrong. It is completely necessary to existence and could summarized as 'being responsible for yourself.'
Malignant narcissism OTOH, which is what we are always talking about, is seeing other people in your world as mere objects, put there solely for your own gratification and then using and treating them that way. (This is from Ayn Rand, although she didn't call it malignant narcissism). An N parent or SO of course hates any selfishness except their own. You're not supposed to be 'separate' from their needs, to have a will and existence of your own! That's the evil forTHEM so they try to squash your independence by telling you any selfishness on your part is evil and hurtful and when they succeed (as a parent) they have made a LV. They ALWAYS succeed to some degree because a child is so vulnerable to being manipulated by love.
I think all of us are capable of being malignant Ns, of viewing other people in our world as objects to be used when the stakes are high enough, and I think we all do it sometimes. We are just human. But we know it's wrong and we feel badly. We don't BELIEVE that other people exist just to serve our needs. NPDs seem to believe this. Anyway, this is how I'm beginning to see it.
Bill