PMS and Sensitivity

[Overcomer]

I work retail.  Today I worked and it was fun.  We were busy.  Got up super early and faced the mania to buy a Christmas tree (on sale......I have never shopped on Black Friday - only worked...........)  Got to work at 7:30 worked until 2.  My intention was to go over to the old house and organize everything.  We are paying my daughter and her boyfriend to move the rest home tomorrow.  Well, my back is kiiling me.  I am getting too old for retail.....I didn't go organize...I just picked up the Christmas decor.

So I realized I am PMSing.  I came home and walked in to the familiar smell of alcohol and stale cigarette smoke.  My demeanor plummeted.  I knew my H had been home all day while I was fighting the crowds and helping still more crowds.............drinking.  Well, my PMS just got the best of me.  My day was ruined.  I hate him.  He is an alcoholic.  I know I will not hate him in a couple of days.  I will just dislike him a lot.  He asked me for a hug and not to push him away.  I told him I would give him a hug because I am a nice person - not that I approved of his behavior.  He said he has no family and he always drinks a lot more around the holidays.  I don't care.  He doesn't get any sympathy from me.

How many times can I tell him.....I HATE YOU WHEN YOU DRINK.  YOUR PERSONALITY CHANGES WHEN YOU DRINK AND YOU BECOME A JERK.  PLEASE STOP DRINKING.  Do I have to kick him out?  Do I have to file for divorce?  It isn't that I want to leave him but I do not want to stay with him if he does not get help for his habitual drinking.  Do I threaten to tell his parents?  Do I threaten to tell MY parents?  What to do......he doesn't seem to care.

And I am PMSins so what I really want to do is cry.  But I cannot.  I am in a fog.  I feel tired and detached and I feel a sense of futility....

[Gabben]

(((Overcomer)))

My heart goes out to you. The problem is not so much your PMS the problem is HIS drinking.

Here is the chapter to the wives in the AA Big Book. I hope that this may provide you with some hope and insight:

http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/chapter_8.html

I will pray whole heartedly for you and your husband.

Love,
Lise

[Overcomer]

Thanks.  I was attending Al Anon.....of course, being from a dysfunctional family he was worried that someone might see me there and put two and two together.  I attract alcoholics.  And I am PMSing and it is by far much worse today than the same behavior was a week ago..

[Hopalong]

((((((((((Kel)))))))))))

I'm so sorry. It's very painful to watch someone you love
destroy themselves and not even try...

love
Hops

[Overcomer]

How many times do I have to say, "i don't like it when you drink." ?  Obviously alcoholics will not do anything until we really do something!!  I guess I have to practice tough love

[Overcomer]

He is such an a@@hole.  He just doesn't understand life in general.  I was thinking about people who have an addiction.  People who get caught up in them.  Like people who are obsessed with porn.  Or drug addicts.  Or alcohol.  Or even cigs....what makes someone addicted to the point that they have absolutely no control over themselves.  I guess you could say I have a food addiction and the consequences are living in a chubby body and I guess if I let it continue to get out of control I may be an extemely obese person.....

[cats paw]

Kelly,

  I just wanted to say hello, and I remember the sense of frustration and futility of being married to an alcoholic.  I loved him beyond measure, but when he was drinking, it became close to hate.  It is still so sad to me that he died right before he finally agreed to give alcohol treatment a try.

  Has your husband ever been in treatment of any kind, or even acknowledged that he may have "a bit of trouble" with alcohol?

  How's it going with your lap-band?

cats paw

[mudpuppy]

Do I threaten to tell his parents?  Do I threaten to tell MY parents? 

Addictions like all sins thrive in the dark. Exposure is no guarantee because often they continue even in the light but I don't think they ever are healed while concealed, are they?

mud

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I am not saying "what " to do or not do,as far as practical things. I am just saying that he is "medicating"pain. It helps just to think of it that way. Maybe,Al Anon would help.It couldn't hurt.
  You will meet people who understand the pain and frustration that you are expressing      Love  Ami

(((((((((((((Kelly)))))))))))))

[Overcomer]

Here's the deal-I even called his ex a couple of years into our marriage to ask her if he had a problem-she said yes and talked about his rants-Which he still does.  I asked her why he said he did not drink when I first net him and she said he had been roads for two months.  All verbage that would indicate acknowledgement of a problem.  He denies a problem-I am sick of all the people in my life who deny deny deny!  Lap band is getting there-not a magic pill but the next fill should be right.

[Overcomer]

I meant sober.  Sometimes I think he will die.  I have known him six years and he has not once been to the doc and he smokes and drinks.  I have told my mom and my kids and I told him so.  I also told him if anyone asks I will confirm his drunkenness-I will not cover for him.  I call him Jeff and his alter ego Seth!  I told him I hate Seth!

[lighter]

Overcome.... I think it's pretty certain that Seth insn't going anywhere.... unless Jeff has some kind epiphany about you and the kids being more imporant than hanging on to his current coping mechanism..... booze.

He's not going to give it up until he has to.... and maybe not even then.

He may choose the booze if he gets an ultimatum.

One thing's for sure....  he'll keep talking, and making zero changes, as long as his talking keeps the status quo.

If he could do better.... he would do better.  He's trapped in the same game of trying to change habits as the rest of us. 

It's so hard.....

And he's compromised by the booze itself.

You're in a very tough spot (((Overcomer)))

[Overcomer]

Yep and he doesn't even acknowledge that he has a problem.  He says "what about you?"  Ok, since I have known him I have probably been drunk twice and tipsy a few times.  But that was in the beginning.  I cannot tell you the last time I was even tipsy.  One or two drinks and I am done.....finished.  I have no desire to have my judgment altered.  He is so predictable.  A lot of projecting and rationalizing.  Denying.  I cannot believe the amount of people in the world that live lies.  So many.  And Cat?  Nice to hear from you.  Haven't seen your name for awhile........of course I have been distracted with moving, etc.  So if you have been here all along.....sorry!!

[wiltay]

     Overcomer, nothing is more important to an addict than the drug.  Every single thing, no matter what, takes second place, including starving babies (recently in the news).  Years ago I had a woman friend who was an alcoholic and I couldn't stand her alter ego when she drank.  I know exactly what you mean about that.  I know she will very likely die at an early age from alcoholism, just like her mother did.  When I knew her I know she never even considered living life without alcohol, no matter what it cost her.  Your husband might be like this Overcomer and there is utterly nothing you can do.  A practicing alcoholic will just use you until they use you up in order to enable their drinking.  Just living with him is enabling him.  He will never change a wit unless there are consequences.  Think of yourself first.  As long as he is drinking he has absolutely ZERO to give and that will never change.   You are living in hell and you don't have to.
Bill

[isittoolate]

My first relationship, daughter's father, his drinking picked up to an awful pace after about 5 years. He was physically abusive then
I had seen other 'alcoholics' stop drinking and stay sober......maybe they weren't real A's but I left him.

I somehow sensed that this was his life....drinking.

I saw him a few times between leaving '66 and '72 then nothiing. 

He committed suicide at age 47, in 1979.