You know, I pondered on this one. Normal mothering to me is the complete opposite of what I had. That makes it very hard to understand why some people want to have children. Normal mothering to me is sacrificing anything and everything you have to make your children your number one priority. You let them win every now and then when you play games with them because it makes them feel like a winner. A hell of a mother gets angry when they lose. A normal mother would sacrifice their life for their children. There isnt a person on this earth that is more important to me then my children. I would give me life for them and I would expect that most mothers would.
I can speak for myself, when push came to shove with my mom, she shoved her children to save her self. She would feed us kids to the wolves rather then fight them off. I actually know that my mom was not a N, she just did not have a maternal bone in her body. I have told her how i felt about her as a mother and I also shared with her what it was like to be an eight year old when you realized that you were a burden, not a blessing. I think in a way that saved my soul. I never depended on her as a mother so I was never let down.
It felt very good to say my peace with her when I got older. My mom once told me that I would regret how I treated her when she died. It did not take a second for my response and I can honestly say that it was how I felt for many years about that woman. I simply stated to her,"when you die, I am sure I will shed some tears, but ya know what? Those tears will be for the mother I should have had, not the mother you couldnt even attempt to be. You were never a mother to me, you were someone who gave me the will to be a better person. I vowed I would never be the person you are, and that gave me all the guidance I needed."
Of course, lol, she then told me that us kids never thought that if she would have better kids, she would have been a better mother. My reply back, you are one sick pup lady. I dont even call her mom, I call her Judy and it feels so natural. When the woman attempts to hug me, it makes my skin crawl.
So to hope that your mother would love you like you know you deserved, well, simply put, it is not in her realm. Some people have very little maternal instincts. Giving birth does not make you a mother, giving nurturing earns that title.
I can also tell you that the further away that woman is from me, the better off I am. The minute she enters the room that I am in, my mood literally changes for the worse. She gave birth to me and it was not by my choice. Believe me I had to hear the horrible details for my entire 39yrs. I hope you can one day feel grateful that she gave you life, but I also hope that you realize that she cursed the life she gave you by her lack of mothering. Let her go as a mother and I promise you ll find yourself.
