Addictions

[Ami]

 May all be well for you and your family  in the New Year, Carolyn.                        Ami

[SallyingForth]

Carolyn, if you could, would you please provide some links or info that are more likely N rather than psychopathic.
~Laura

The best one I know I just posted a thread about with the link. The site is excellent, ptypes.com .

[finding peace]

Hi Ami,

I am very glad you were able to maintain your boundaries with your M, and that she backed down. 

One thing I don’t understand though, you said the following:

She is and always has been very repulsive to me.There is s/thing that feels "icky" about her.

And yet right after her visit you said the following:

In the end ,we had a lot of fun together. It was a wonderful visit,full of learning and growth.   

I don’t understand how you can have fun with someone who is “icky.”  How is it fun to have to constantly reinforce boundaries with someone?  You said (to paraphrase) every time she started to cross a boundary, I “beat” her down – how is that fun? 

I don’t know, perhaps I am confused because I think of my parents.  After everything they did to me, there is no way in hell that I could ever trust them enough to let go and have fun with them.  There was never a time in my adult life where I could be free to be myself with them.  If I even attempted to erect a boundary with my F, he would have done everything possible he could to demolish it.  The thought of contact with them literally makes me shudder – and my father has been dead for almost 3 years and I have not had contact with my mother for over a year.

Peace

[Ami]

Well, I can't explain all the contradictions.Peace. Down deep, I love my M. I always have and I always will. Once she respected me(knew she could not abuse me), I could relax and enjoy her. I simply relaxed and enjoyed  moments with her.
  I guess the answer to your question,Peace, is that there is no "good" answer  with an N mother. It is (and was) an Alice in Wonderland life.  It will always be an Alice in Wonderland life. Maybe,if *I* am strong,as I was, I can enjoy some good moments and have some warm memories.. Beyond that,I can't explain it.If I can salvage some good moments,I want to do that. If I am contradictory to people, I can't help it. It is what is happening . My goal is to heal and that is my beacon. The contradictions will just have to stay contradictions until maybe one day they may  become clear. Today is not that day.      Ami

[reallyME]

Ami: Beyond that,I can't explain it.If I can salvage some good moments,I want to do that. If I am contradictory to people, I can't help it. It is what is happening . My goal is to heal and that is my beacon. The contradictions will just have to stay contradictions until maybe one day they may  become clear. Today is not that day.   

 

Ami, you sound very much like me...an "in the moment" sort of person.  Right now, THIS is where things are at...you love your mother yet feel torn a bit, because you're not sure whether to trust her.

I lived through those feelings with X as well.  She could be this fun, bubbly, teenybopper, gift-giving, nurturing person at times, yet she had a sinister side to her that far outweighed any fun, gifts and merriment.  It is very confusing, exhilerating and frustrating, all at the same time, when you see so many sides to a person and yet, a big part of you wants to believe the best about them.

i do understand.

~Laura

[alone48]

Isn't that pretty much the same with all N's, we want to believe and keep getting sucked in. Until we honestly get to the point that we walk away, N's will continue to have a place to thrive. I know there will always be someone else, but it doesn't have to be us. I still get sucked in and am praying for the day I have both  the wisdom and strength to see an N and walk away before I let any damage in.

[Ami]

THANK YOU, Alone!