Neglectful Silence

[Certain Hope]

Dear Leah,

I know that I saw your disappearing post... because I clicked the book link and still have it here on my desktop...
just posting here between multiple interruptions and hadn't had an opportunity to explore it yet and respond.

Anyhow, thank you.

Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Dear Carolyn,

Oh, the book entitled "listen to your kids" etc.

I deleted it as I was unsure that it fitted into the thread.

The book came from your website link on post no.1

Amongst many other superb resource books therein.

Love, Leah

Oh, thank you, Leah, for explaining... now I see. I didn't want you to think that I wasn't interested in your post, just because I hadn't replied yet. I was in the midst of some stuff here at home and didn't have complete focus.

It's okay with me to have a variety of thoughts on the thread, but also I don't want to lose sight of the realization which first brought me to post it.
You see, for me... growing up... it was not even so much that my parents didn't know how to speak with me or what to say... it simply feels like they didn't think I was a worthy investment of that sort of energy.
Sometimes I wonder whether they themselves had been flat, single-dimensional people for so long already that they'd forgotten what it was like to need... anything... emotional. There was always alot of alcohol in the home, too, and since I've had my own experience with that, I now recognize how numbing that can be. And... in addition to my mother's perfectionism and obsessive compulsions, I have also come to suspect that she suffered from bouts of depression.

Anyhow, here is some more info that I've culled in my research on this topic of silence, because of the devastating effects of this on me and others I know... very much like being shunned from birth (or possibly from the first "No", at toddler age).

http://www.enotalone.com/article/9885.html

Child Neglect by Child Welfare Information Gateway - 15 pages

Polansky's conceptual definition of child neglect is widely accepted:

(from pg.  8  )"A condition in which a caretaker responsible for the child, either deliberately or by extraordinary inattentiveness, permits the child to experience avoidable present suffering and/or fails to provide one or more of the ingredients generally deemed essential for developing a person's physical, intellectual, and emotional capacities."

Child neglect can have devastating effects on the intellectual, physical, social, and psychological development of children. Numerous studies have documented significant developmental problems in children who have experienced inadequate, neglectful parenting. However, studies of maltreated children often fail to differentiate between abused and neglected children, or they are based on very small samples of neglected children. There is a lack of attention given to differentiating effects related to ethnic or racial differences. There are also important mediating factors that buffer the effects of neglect on its victims.

Drawing on attachment theory, child development researchers have accumulated substantial evidence that neglected and abused infants and toddlers fail to develop secure attachments with their neglecting and/or abusive primary care providers. Because of the hostile, rejecting, inattentive, or inconsistent attention to their needs these very young children receive, they develop anxious, insecure, or disorganized/disoriented attachments with their primary care providers.
This lack of secure attachment relationship then hinders the infant's or toddler's ability to explore his/her environment and develop feelings of competence. The effects of neglect and abuse on young children's socioemotional development have been demonstrated to be over and above the effects attributable to poverty. But there are important differences in the effects on preschool versus school-aged children. Detrimental effects are lessened when the parents enjoy and encourage their children and have access to supportive community resources.
 
Social learning theory has also been employed to explain the differences that are found between abused and neglected children. Neglected children appear to be more generally passive and socially withdrawn in their interactions with peers, whereas abused children are more aggressive and active. Social learning theory suggests that neglected children's behavior is learned from the less active, socially withdrawn behavior that they observe modeled by their parents. Similarly, the abused children learn to imitate the more aggressive behavior of their parents.

 (from pg. 9)  Mediating Effects

Negative developmental consequences for neglected children are not inevitable. Other factors have been identified, which either buffer or add to the effects of neglect on children. Stability of the children's living environment has been identified as modifying the negative effects of maltreatment, whereas multiple out-of-home placements, multiple life stresses, and parental depression contribute to more negative developmental effects of neglect and abuse on children. Children with higher I.Q.'s also appear to suffer less serious developmental effects.

*************************

For the longest time, I kept thinking of how I used to run to hide when out in the yard and a car would approach... I just wanted to disappear.

This statement explained that to me:  "These children learn how to become easy to use by becoming invisible; they become compliant and without needs, and they fear the consequences and the unknown state of being apparent, real, noticeable, with boundaries, and having needs."

In a very literal sense, that is exactly how I always felt as a very young child and the simple definition of "shyness" never quite covered it!

Carolyn


 

[Certain Hope]

Thank you, dear Leah... very much.

I am so sorry about your nephews-in-law. By the grace of God, I can speak up a bit more now without fear or a mask, in person, face to face. For many years, all I could do was write. Without the mask of smiles I would feel naked, if not for confidence in God's promise to make my paths straight.

Love to you, too,
Carolyn

[cwings]

A friend  on here shared about this topic. I'm now understanding why I do things Thank you for the post ,Certain hope.I was never physically abused. Its amazing how neglect silence can hurt you when your older.   GBY cwings

[Bella_French]

Thanks for elaborating and sharing your thoughts on child neglect, Carolyn. It is such a shame that your parents neglected you too. They missed out on so much, and so did you!

I liked this second  definition of child neglect much better than the first one:)

X bella

[Certain Hope]

A friend  on here shared about this topic. I'm now understanding why I do things Thank you for the post ,Certain hope.I was never physically abused. Its amazing how neglect silence can hurt you when your older.   GBY cwings

Dear Cwings,

You're so welcome... and thank you for letting me know that it's helpful!

I'm recognizing that the effects of this neglectful silence are widespread and lifelong.

a sense of being alien... "other", apart from the rest of humanity... I mean, if my own mother and dad couldn't/wouldn't try to connect with me.

Surely the very rigid and legalistic church-school life into which they planted me for 12 years was enough, I guess they thought.
I was to be a cookie-cutter version of them, cold and flat - - - who could ask for anything more?

And now... they haven't changed, but I have. And I tried to tell them so... but I don't seem to be able to get through.
Mother wants me to boost her failing image and Dad wants to unload on me about mother, in between trying to set me straight about religion.
Says he respects my thoughts... but that was the end of any discussion. Says he'll have more to say when/if we see each other again, but I will not be cornered for
yet another of his in-your-face monologues. If he won't write it in a letter, then it won't get discussed. And yet again, for the millionth time, I am just thanking God that we're 1,000 miles apart.

I've gotta say - it really blows my mind how some people think they've got a relationship with you when they've never communicated a thing beyond their own pre-set patterns.
Like a radio station with just one button... and that only plays static.

Here's a bit more of what I found in research...
thanks again for writing, Cwings. Off to work now... God bless you, too, dear one.

With love,
Carolyn



 Excerpted From: Emotional Child Abuse: The Invisible Plague
By Susan Jacoby
Reader's Digest, February, 1985

http://www.nospank.net/jacoby.htm


Dr. Jay Lefer, a New York Psychiatrist and former editor of the newsletter for the Society of Adolescent Psychiatry, refers to the "four Ds" of emotional abuse: deprivation, distancing, depreciation and domination. Abusive parents may use one or all of the four Ds to play out their own psychological conflicts and avoid facing up to the real pressures of child-rearing.

Deprivation and distancing. When five-year-old Sally broke her arm in a playground accident, her kindergarten teacher didn't realize the child was hurt until she found her weeping silently in a corner. At the hospital, where the teacher met Sally's mother, the little girl didn't turn to her mother for comfort. Instead, she went off quietly with a nurse and didn't seem to notice when her mother ignored the nurse's invitation to accompany them. "Rather than put her arms around her child, the first thing the mother did was look for a coffee machine," said the teacher. "I could see why Sally didn't tell me she was hurt. She was accustomed to being ignored."

Psychologically unavailable parents rarely cuddle a crying baby or express much interest in the infant's development. As a result, their babies fail to develop what psychologists call a secure attachment to their parents. When securely attached children need reassurance, they know they can get it from their parents-and; eventually, from other adults who care for them. "A physically abused child will avoid the caretaker for fear of being hit," says psychologist Egeland. "An emotionally abused child does the same thing to avoid the disappointment of not being accepted."


*******************************************
http://www.rockridgeinstitute.org/research/lakoff/mp21?b_start:int=2


The Indifferent-Uninvolved Model of Parenting -

1. Tending to orient one's behavior primarily toward the avoidance of inconvenience.
2. Responding to immediate demands from children in such a way as to terminate the demands.
3. Being psychologically unavailable

The findings for the Indifferent-Uninvolved model were as follows (see Maccoby and Martin, pp. 48-51): Children of psychologically unavailable mothers showed deficits in all aspects of psychological functioning by the age of two, greater deficits than occurred with the other patterns of parental maltreatment. In four- to five-and-a-half-year olds, paternal uninvolvement correlated with aggressiveness and disobedience. Things get worse by the age of fourteen: Children were:

impulsive (in the sense of lacking in concentration, being moody, spending money quickly rather than saving it, and having difficulty controlling aggressive outbursts), uninterested in school, likely to be truant or spend time on the streets or at discos; in addition, their friends were often disliked by their parents. [They] tended to start drinking, smoking, and heterosexual dating at earlier ages. Continuities to the age of 20 were found. At this age, [they were more likely] to be hedonistic and lack tolerance for frustration and emotional control; they also lacked long-term goals, drank to excess, and more often had a record of arrests.

They were also less likely to have strong achievement motives and to be oriented to the future. Neither of these findings would surprise either an authoritarian, authoritative, or harmonious parent.

*******************************************

http://books.google.com/books?id=LM-lW1CyntAC&pg=PA35&lpg=PA35&dq=psychologically+unavailable+parent&source=web&ots=czsWMOpa5a&sig=SJIG2L4LCzQDgi_lLbnlFMyiy-0#PPA34,M1
- from Pg. 34+

In the pattern of rejection, the child is turned prematurely away from the parent toward independence.
The affects toward the child range from coldness and sternness to wishing the child away or dead.
Essentially, the parent communicates to the child that he is disliked or unwanted. The parent in addition may neglect the child
be being physically or psychologically unavailable. The child learns at an early age to turn his attention away from the parent
when needing comfort and that independence and individual strength are highly valued.

.... The child's inability to obtain responsive care from the parent leads to a working model of relationship reflecting confusion and struggle.
.... Parental behaviors derived from fear are especially frightening to children, who cannot comprehend their cause.
In these cases, the child is presented with an unresolved paradox inherent in the parent-child relationship.
The safe haven is also a source of alarm. Moreover, the conflict between opposing tendencies to approach and to flee from the attachment figure
stems from a single external signal (threatening or fearful parental behavior). This approach-avoidance conflict is internalized by the child.

... It is the human context of subjective experience that contains the imprint of trauma.
Situations in which the parent is unable to receive the child's communications in an empathic manner, perhaps because of her own psychopathology or traumatic experience,
tend to exacerbate the child's difficulty and perpetuate the internal conflict.
For the child, the result is confusing, frightening perceptions of external reality.
Burdened by these intense experiences, the child resorts to maladaptive defenses of denial, avoidance, and splitting.
These defenses curtail differentiation and integration of feelings and result in enmeshed pathological representations of self and other and/or
disorganized attachment systems...

Pg 38 - When a parent is deficient in her capacity for mature empathy, her relationship to her child is also impaired. The synchrony within the duet is not harmonious, and the relationship becomes symptomatic...
from avoidance and rejection, to role reversal, to aggression and fighting, to immoral acts...


*************************************

Turned me into an internal delinquent, that's what it did.

[Hopalong]

I used to run to hide when out in the yard and a car would approach... I just wanted to disappear

[

(((((((((((((((((((little Carolyn))))))))))))))))))))))))

Hello, come out, what a wonderful little girl you are,
it would be so nice to get to know you!
You are so smart. What are you playing?
Pretend? That's a great game. You be the
director, I'll be in your play.

Sometimes I think kids just need an occasional bout of that kind of play,
where a delighted adult "turns over the reins" and lets the child have
free rein, just to monologue, and share their wandering (fascinating)
thoughts, and try on the feeling of authority. It has time limits and
boundaries, but I always loved adults who would pause to play w/me.

love
Hops

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((((Amber))))))))))))

(((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))

Love to you both and thanks for being here with me on this thread.

And Hops... you've given me an image to put in place of all those times I ran to hide...
and I'll remember... because sometimes still, that's all I want to do.

With love,
Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Amber,

I have to go off to work, where I'll think some more on what you've written and try on your shoes for a bit.

Because there was never a Ruth for me, I had to create my own Ruth, it seems...  and that thought startles me.

That burst of fourteen-year-old activity didn't manifest fully till 18, and lasted nearly 4 years, till my first child... (with brief relapses thereafter)...  and then Ruth woke up and did her mothering role, far better than I was taught to do.

ohh boy, I have alot to ponder. Thank you, Amber... I am on slow motion with this topic because it's at ground zero for me... and of all those who have neglected, it is I who have mostly neglected myself.

Carolyn

P.S.  Will be back this evening, I hope...  for now, here is some more of what I've researched and saved:




From: http://books.google.com/books?id=NncyUz0SOUkC&pg=PA15&lpg=PA15&dq=psychologically+unavailable+parent&source=web&ots=Je3R7I3HuL&sig=UdLpL6P8QNe9Cnqs0jeuNI2n7WQ

Coping With Trauma - Hope Through Understanding, by Jon G. Allen, PhD. - Pg. 15


Many patients in treatment for trauma-related problems give a history of emotional neglect and suffer from a sense of emotional deprivation.
The concept of
psychological unavailablility
aptly describes their experience with caregivers.
The psychologically unavailable parent is unresponsive to the child's signals, especially the child's pleas for warmth and comfort.Although physically neglected children are often emotionally neglected as well, psychological unavailability often takes place in the context of adequate physical care.
Plainly, psychological unavailability results in attachment trauma, and it's not surprising that such emotional neglect leads to problems in attachment relationships
with peers. Indeed, psychological unavailability may be the most subtle yet most severe form of maltreatment.

*************************************

From: http://books.google.com/books?id=3WF_Q6iB83AC&pg=PA500&lpg=PA500&dq=psychologically+unavailable+parent&source=web&ots=_A9MVySzEE&sig=XIuBfqU1BuT8D0XxYMxFcZ3vTnE

Handbook of Attachment - Theory, Research, and Clinical Apps - pg. 500

When a child is unable, despite many attempts, to form stable and secure relationships with caregivers,
he or she develops a model of the self as a failure. Any subsequent loss or disappointment is then likely to be perceived as
reflecting that the child is a failure.

When a parent gives a child the message that he or she is incompetent or unlovable, the child develops complementary models of the self as unlovable
and of the other as unloving. Thus the child and later the adult will expect hostility and rejection from others when in need.

Cummings and Cicchetti (1990) have suggested that these experiences of having a psychologically unavailable parent are similar to the experience of actually losing a caregiver,
in that the child experiences frequent or even chronic losses of the parent.

Interestingly, Bowlby's formulation is compatible with Seligman's learned-helplessness theory of depression,
as Bowlby (1980) himself noted. Seligman proposed that hopelessness, and hence depression, develops when noxious events occur that are experienced as uncontrollable.
Each of the set of circumstances specified by Bowlby involves a sense of uncontrollability on the part of the child... even as a result of the parent's disappointing responses to him/her.


*************************************

A.J. Mahari writes: http://www.borderlinepersonality.ca/2006bpdandabandonwhatisabandonment.htm


"As I write about in my ebook, The Legacy of Abandonment in Borderline Personality Disorder, for the young child who experiences a core wound of abandonment there are memory imprints where there were no words or developed cognition to otherwise interpret, understand, and remember the trauma of the abandonment. So the fact that the psychological and/or emotional pain of abandonment is underpinned by biological and chemical processes on a physical level not only makes sense but greatly contributes to the legacy of the woundedness of such a prolific and lasting injury.


Abandonment literally means to completely and finally leave, physically or emotionally. Abandonment is a surrendering of responsibility to a child. It is a withdrawal, a discontinuation of care, nurture, love, and/or support.


Abandonment on a psychological level is a detachment from the kind of emotional involvement that means one is emotionally available to and for one’s child.

Being emotionally unavailable to take care of the physical and/or emotional/psychological needs of a child can result from a mother being simply inexperienced, or depressed, being addicted to drugs and/or alcohol,having her own unresolved abandonment wounds threaten to rise up as the baby cries for comfort. The abandoning detachment may result in a mother or primary care-taker’s inability to cope effectively with the neediness of an infant or with the demanding nature of an infant. It may mean that a mother or care-taker has low frustration tolerance. It may mean that a mother or care-taker doesn’t know how to effectively cope and meet many of her own needs and when a young child’s needs compete, if you will, with her unmet needs, the result from the mother or care-taker may be any degree of anger that ranges from impatience to frustration, or from hostility to agitation, or from annoyance to rage.


Young infants will pick up on impatience, annoyance, hostility and agitation. They do not have to experience outwardly expressed anger or rage or yelling to get a sense of a lack of nurture and to feel and experience abandonment.


Abandonment is also present for any child whose parent is not only inconsistent but incongruent in their response to the needs of the child. Being there one time when a young infant cries, then not being there the next five times, then being there again sort of thing will result in a child feeling abandoned and leave that child struggling to feel safe with any sense of attachment to that parent or care-giver.


Abandonment is often not one huge negating or abusive act. It can often be a series of failures on the part of the parent to meet the needs of the young child. Anything less than dependable, consistent and congruent reasonable nurture, support, and soothing, will more times than not result in an abandonment experience and cause the child to have abandonment anxiety.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Amber,

I saw you were online and wanted to let you know that I've just read your post here.

I can only imagine the intensity of your feelings as you first began to bring Twiggy's memories back into consciousness.

My own childhood  memories are generally very tame, with no specific instances of trauma or physical abuse, just an ever-
present undercurrent of.... well, I don't even know what to call it. Negativity? All of that got directed inward.
And yet when I try to dig to the bottom of all that, even now, it can be overwhelming. At those times, I still can feel drawn back into a self-shaming cycle and remember how I used to lie in bed, counting, trying to get a fresh start at perfection... ack.

But as you've said, it's all from a greater distance, now... and I guess it's just going to take more processing at different levels until, at last... well, I'm not sure what, exactly... something between objectivity and resignation? I don't mean that in a depressing way, just looking forward to that final sort of settlement and not sure what to call it. Settling in place, as you've said... yes. Your artist's eye sees things so much differently than mine... which often is so mundane, and yet I recognize that maternal instinct you've mentioned... and I think that I've felt it.. toward myself, for a change, and not only for my children and others who are in need of comfort.

I have thought volumes about my relationships with my three girls and I'm so glad you raise the topic. Will be thinking more on that... or rather inviting thoughts to flow, which seems to be how it works for me. I extend the invitation and look out - ready or not, here come the thoughts... and feelings.

Amber, I don't see you dancing away from your feelings... but that may be my own selfish outlook speaking, because all I have, often, are the feelings... with no troubleshooting guide from which to begin the analysis. I just so very much appreciate your style of exploring these things and your graciousness in sharing your insights here. What you do has always helped me to recognize myself, in ways I'd never expected... and so I am just very glad and thankful if any of this helps you to find what you need.

Well, I've taken so long to type this amidst numerous distractions, that I don't know whether you're still on, but I'll post it and try to add more as possible. I hope that you have a restful, satisfying weekend.

Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Amber, I'm finding some more resources and will share some notes here. I'm not tidying them up, just letting it flow.
Whenever you get back, there may be alot (or not), but it helps me to know that some of this is helping you, too, so I'm feeling a bit inspired to continue.

http://books.google.com/books?id=-KBT_VWZ8AsC&pg=PA21&lpg=PA21&dq=parents+emotionally+absent&source=web&ots=Lsyw992j6x&sig=sQoVSEvvFdy7THWK8GTeZEJ8GB4#PPP1,M1

Excerpts from the book Boundaries - Where You End and I Beginby Anne Katherine, MA

There are many pages left out of this particular book preview, but it's easy enough to fill in the blanks and
this caught my eye (pg. 18), re: a young woman who didn't know how to deal with inappropriate touch from men she barely knew. She allowed a good deal of unwanted contact, because of her lack of good boundaries. I can surely relate.

"Both physical and emotional boundary development are harmed by distance violations,
not just intrustion violations."

Wow. So now I see....  although I was not really intruded upon physically as a child, I also received
no safe physical affection or emotional support. More confirmation - the absence of appropriate physical and emotional contact is equally as devastating as the presence of physical and emotional abuse.

The women whose stories are recounted in this book were not encouraged to talk about their feelings or
helped to bring those feelings into awareness, so they never learned that feelings can be used to help
determine a course of action. It's so obvious... but I am just now getting it. To continue -

Our Feelings Are Rich in Information

"When we yell, we know we yelled because we hear it (unless our hearing is impaired). Our ears give us immediate feedback that
we've made a sound. We can then modify the sound to accurately convey what we mean.
Similarly, we need a reaction, feedback, when we're feeling something. When the feedback is accurate, our feeling unfolds and becomes clearer.
An echo bounces your words back to you.
A warm response brings your feelings back to you. You get to know yourself better.
This combination - of effective feedback and knowing yourself better - creates an emotional boundary. It fills in the circle of who you are and creates
a space outside of you of who you aren't."

And I sit here saying:  Duh! I didn't know. My children are able to talk about their feelings, but I never realized that I hadn't... as a child... ever, that I recall.
And now, finally, I know why.
There is much more...

"Our feelings are rich in information about how we are reacting to the world.
They tell us when something seems dangerous or threatening or safe.
As children we are taught to write and speak a language
and we are also taught how to handle feelings."

(Well... I don't think I was taught that!)

"we learn how to do this by watching others handle them..."

(Oh, I see... right, I learned to handle them by not dealing with them - by the silent treatment.)

"and we learn how to do this by the way our feelings are responded to."

(apparently the latter is not applicable to me since I do not remember ever expressing a feeling verbally as a child. Ever.)

There are examples of various parental ways of handling children's feelings on pg. 19.
Through my own parenting, I've learned how to respond appropriately to my own childrens' feelings and to help them draw those out, when they can't identify them.
But I have no memory of being allowed to have feelings myself, as a child, let alone being invited or given permission to express those.

What I am seeing now is that apparently I was supposed to just come of age by osmosis somehow, make a success of myself so that I could rejoice in my trappings and collect a load of material stuff to worship,
 and sedate myself with alcohol if any feeling other than bliss reared its head.
That was the parental plan... to follow in their footsteps... and I nearly did.

More on this book later.
 

[Certain Hope]

Feelings Connect Us With Meaning

(OR NOT!)

We learn emotional boundaries by the responses we get.
When our feelings are met with disapproval, harshness, or stiff-upper-lip messages, we learn to push them down,
to separate ourselves from our feelings, and to ignore the valuable information they have for us.

When feelings are met warmly, when we are encouraged to talk about them and helped to identify them,
and when a parent correctly interprets our facial expression, our body language, and the feelings connected with it,
our understanding of our inner selves grows. Learning about and connecting with feelings is essential for complete
boundary development.

Without a Mirror, We Can't See Ourselves

If, as we are growng, people are too emotionally distant,
we grow as if in a vacuum.
We don't have the necessary feedback, the echo, that helps us differentiate.
Without a mirror, we can't see ourselves. Children who've suffered from this type of
abandonment adapt in several different ways.

Some become loners, unable to let anyone close.
Having never connected with their own feelings, they have little ability
to connect with others.

Some fill themselves up with the identity of someone else.
If our inner spaces are empty, we are vulnerable to filling them
with someone else's agenda. Such a person can be like a chameleon,
taking on the values and reactions of whomever they are with.

Sometimes a child is abandoned emotionally but taught to revere certain values.
Anyone in a void will cling to whatever's offered...

(whether that may be religious teachings, a military ethic, workaholic-ism, materialism...)

A child in a void can fill up with this even if she is not actively taught.
She need only observe and the vacuum will fill.

If one parent is emotionally distant and the other is enmeshed with the child,
the void created by one parent is filled with the needs of the other...

and that's about the end of this preview.

[Certain Hope]

[/color][/b]
I have taken the recommended actions, however, it causes me to feel as though I am practicing neglectful silence.  Can someone help me make sense out of what seems like two extremes?  When I do self talk, self says you simply must take another route, i.e., as described by lollie, but then I feel like a heel for how often it turns into silence.  Do you think it is OK for me to do the Medium Chill and let the chips fall where they may?  [/color] [/b] [/b]

tt

Dear tt,

I've practiced a version of this Medium Chill with my mother for some time... with similar results. It turns into silence. Well, occasionally, she lashes out with mild nastiness, but that only receives a High Level Chill response from me.
And yes, I often feel like a heel afterwards... and yet I realize that the alternative is to reinforce the negative behavior by trying to respond as I would to a non-N'ish person, and that is not acceptable.
So I'm not personally settled and happy with this method (yet), but I don't know what else to do other than to let the chips fall.

Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Dear Amber,

Thank you so much for your input on this. Having grown up in one of those stiff-upper-lip-vacuums, I treasure your feedback!!

That working space between objectivity and resignation is freedom...  oh, I hope so, Amber... I need to ponder on that, but I do feel the pull to that zone, as well. Subjectivity filled with overwhelming emotion still swamps me at times, but it's short-lived, and then I quickly feel the terra firma beneath my feet.
You know, at one point (not so long ago) I deliberately shoved aside that Role... only to find that there wasn't enough of me firmed up to stand, apart from it. That was terrifying. This is much better now. And I know what you mean about the music. During Christmas vacation, I signed up for Napster  Just surfing the possibilities there and listening brought out so much. I was going to tell you that  I've still not completely sorted it all, but actually, it feels  more like incorporating which remains to be done, than sorting. I guess alot of the sorting had already happened just beneath the surface, as I've been able to talk and share here.

Re: this part -
Hubby wants me to write all this in a book; he thinks it'll be a way to finally be "done" with all of this. But I don't think that kind of catharsis works when it's our experience of ourselves we're trying to understand. I have a feeling I won't ever be "done" - but it will occupy less of my time. This type of freedom comes with responsibility, it comes with directing "maternal instinct" toward my self, for even mirroring my self to my self (god - that sounds Nish... I hope you can hear what I'm trying to say). I guess maybe through mothering my self, I can wipe away the incorrect perceptions I have about myself; adjust the negative feelings I have about myself; that came from being my mother's mirror.


I agree with you, Amber... because the getting it out only leaves so much to be sorted and incorporated. It's just not that simple, because a whole new process is initiated and we cannot reprocess our entire childhoods in the blink of an eye. I hear what you're saying and it's not a bit Nish, because N has no true self to mirror! We do!! It's just been buried beneath such heaps of distortion... and yet we recognize it, we know it, when we sense it. N doesn't. Hmm.. that's not coming out too well, but I hope you know what I mean...

And I completely understand what you mean about the connection of smoking, at least the part about it being tied together with resentment when harried = a time-out to feel yourself being yourself... exactly. That was my way of using cigarettes, too... although I never reached that level awareness at the time. Thank you so much for sharing this, Amber... maybe it will help me to leave behind the nicotine lozenges, as well!
As far as figuring out what to do about it, now that you're aware of the resentment issues... all I can think of is the bitter root which old resentments form, Amber... and the only remedy I know for that is forgiveness (((((()))))).

You asked:  "Carolyn: is there anything you've kept from your childhood? Something like a toy or a book that you can sit with, psychic medium style? It might help you remember feelings you had then; bring them out of the background into the foreground."

Well, I have this old secretary-desk with a glassed in cabinet atop, which has been mine since about 3rd grade and  in which is displayed (or rather, stored) miscellaneous collectibles, many gathered when I was a young child. Of all the sorting and organizing and rearranging I've done since I first began to regain my health (post-N), this is the one and only material thing remaining to be done.
It's occurred to me enough to be a puzzlement... Why have I been so reluctant to tackle that one? The knick-knacks inside are really a jumbled disarray....  and yet I keep procrastinating. But now, Amber, you've shown me why I have been so shy of that cabinet... and it's fear.
I don't know if the little girl who so treasured those things wants to hold and touch those things again, but we shall see...
guess I'd best have a little talk with her.

Hugs, Amber... thank you so much,
Carolyn

[Certain Hope]

Some more notes on this topic of Neglectful Silence and the deep sense of loss and abandonment it creates:


Changing Course - Healing from Loss, Abandonment, and Fear
by Claudia Black, Ph.D.

http://books.google.com/books?id=zDZolMbID7AC&pg=PA18&lpg=PA18&dq=emotional+abandonment&source=web&ots=LsU2zrmXr-&sig=ZAMxXarqYs89t4Q7UuGXRgVPZJI#PPP1,M1


The Past = Living by the Rules:  Don't Talk, Don't Trust, Don't Feel

The turning point comes with a new awareness:

There is another reality than the one I live and I want it.

And then a new willingness:

I am willing to take some risks to have it.


(pg.

Loss is not always a result of what does happen;
sometimes loss is the result of what does not happen. Maybe you had a need that went unnoticed. Maybe you did not hear a parent say, "I love you"
or "You are special". 

The loss could also be a result of what you didn't get to say because your parents weren't available,
or what you didn't get to do with them, such as play or work on projects.
Words and time are important to all children as they grow up.
They convey to us that we are valued.


About the Rule of Silence (pg. 10)

Many of us just didn't know what to say.
We couldn't make sense of peoples' behavior.
We didn't understand or know what was really happening and
we had no language to describe it.

What we knew most were our feelings and it was made clear to us
that we weren't supposed to talk about them.

Growing up with denial makes it easy to be in denial today - and not know it.
We discount our feelings and perceptions.
We rationalize hurtful behaviors.
We tell ourselves something isn't important when it is.
We even tell ourselves certain things don't happen much when they occur frequently.
We don't speak our truth.
When we spend years learning to minimize, discount, or rationalize, it's only normal to continue to do so as adults.
We are so skilled in denying that we do it without conscious thought.

The Loss of Unconditional Security and Self-Worth

Internalized shame becomes the foundation of a person's trauma.

To live with shame is to feel alienated and defeated, never quite good enough to belong.
It is an isolating experience that makes us think we are completely alone
and unique in our belief that we are unlovable.

Secretly, we feel like we are to blame. Any and all deficiency
lies within ourselves.Gershen Kaufman, author of Shame: The Power of Caring,
said - "shame is without parallel, a sickness of the soul."

Underneath layers of shame you will find that abandonment is at the foundation.
This abandonment is most often experienced through various forms of rejection, rejection that has been colored
by parental words and actions, some subtle, some not so subtle.

It is useful to visualize a continuum, with acceptance at one end, rejection at the other end,
and many shades of emotional unavailability or parental indifference to your needs and wants somewhere between.

About Changing Course -


To change course, be it a minor shift or a major turn in your life,
does not mean giving up who you are -
it means letting go of who you are not.
It means letting go of your pain.
You are not your pain.

It means letting go of an undesirable family script.
You are no longer an unwitting character in someone else's life now that you understand you have the freedom to choose.

Each insight into your past and its connection to your present is like
turning on the light in a dark room. It doesn't change what is there, but
now that you can see where you're going, you can go in and out freely without harm.
Fear no longer drives you - freedom moves you.

Each of these awarenesses bring you new choices.
Each new awareness is a turning point.



About Finishing the Past -

 (a quote of John, adult child of an alcoholic, as quoted by Stephanie Brown, in Safe Passages -)

"In this dream, I was stationed underground, in the grave...
This was my company, my life, my mission - to watch over the bones.
And then slowly... I walked away and climbed out of the grave,
into the sun and the wide expanse of the world...
I turned one last time to say good-bye.
The vigil was over."

Amen.