Hops update

[Hopalong]

Absolutely, I will.
Mostly, I will ignore him and be too tired to chat.

But if he tried anything again, I'd not hesitate to get a restraining order.

I don't think he will, though. I think it's a big coward's bluff.

love
Hops

[Ami]

((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))                        Love  Ami

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - I've just tuned into your posts re: your mother's finances and your brother.  It occurred to me that you grew up in a "gotcha" atmosphere, as did I.  The parties that be are just waiting for one error and "Gotcha!"  Proof that you are   (fill in the black)   .

I suspect that there is a link to this attitude and the difficulty you have in tackling paper.  I am convinced (ailing as I do from a similar malady) of the emotional/psychological link.  I find it interesting and perhaps telling that your mother immediately contacted him when she discovered the returned check notice rather than bringing it up with you.

I grew up with 2 older brothers and lived in a "gotcha" atmosphere.  I have discovered how powerfully that has taken over my being in recent months.  EFT has helped me get to this connection.

I started to elaborate on my memories but find it simply too painful but life for me growing up in my family was living amongst booby traps.  Each and every action was monitered and in some way (not yet clear to me) the trap for being correct or successful was more painful than the ones for mistakes. (There was NO distinction between mistakes and failure.  It was a VERY black and white world.)

Take time to ride these unpleasant experiences with you brother back to your childhood memories.  Find your way back to the beginning of your pain as receiver of Nism treatment.  View this as an opportunity to get to the roots of the pain.  It could turn out to be therapeutic.

Wishing you wholeness and peace. - GS

[Leah]

Hops - I've just tuned into your posts re: your mother's finances and your brother.  It occurred to me that you grew up in a "gotcha" atmosphere, as did I.  The parties that be are just waiting for one error and "Gotcha!"  Proof that you are   (fill in the black)   .


Oh my gosh, Gaining Strength

No one has ever validated that very real aspect of my NFOO or indeed my XNH

"Gotcha!"  eggshells and gaslighting.

Rooted in their own self:  assumptive disordered black and white, toxic, narrow visioned worldview thinking.

Leah

[Hopalong]

What a tremendous insight, GS. Thank you so much.
It's entirely true. Especially the: Gotcha! This proves you are a ____ -- part.

I do see a silver lining. My standing up to him and refusing to be intimidated feels like a threshold (finally!) to real adulthood. Since he was the original tormentor, there is value for me in knowing that I'm conducting myself (mistakes and all) with courage and dignity. And I'm functioning. While he's been away the last 2 days I've caught up and filed all the paperwork and bills, and have a specific $$ plan in place to have everything in good order by the end of the week.

So ... if he wants to waste his money on lawyer trying to "unseat" me, let him. Friends who know this stuff have told me that since I've been taking care of her affairs for 9 years and POA for five, dropping the ball a couple times doesn't mean a thing. It wasn't graft, it was ... well, dropping the ball.

I've got a firm grip on the ball again and I do not intend to let it go. And that's the good part. It was a shock about treating the responsibilities of financial management and paperwork like an adult, not like an anxious child. In the long term, I may be grateful this happened.

I'm not working myself up with the thought of confrontation, but calmning myself to conduct encounters with him with dignity. I believe he will back off. Meanwhile, I have great support and advice and have:

1) Alerted Mom's doctor (he is writing in her record that she's not competent to make legal decisions or sign legal documents) -- on the remote chance my brother would try that behind my back

2) Alerted the nursing home director (he's going to tell the staff at their meeting that relations are strained and they're welcome to update my brother on her medical condition but not to speculate with him about anything related to long-term plans or finances).

3) Alerted her tax accountant and reminder her that she is not to discuss anything about my mother's finances with anyone but me, the POA

4) Alerted her minister (met her at Mom's bedside yesterday, walked out w/her to explain what was going on). She said, Oh, your brother was at our church last Sunday, introducing himself around and letting everyone know that your Mom was ill. I just said: I had already emailed the church parish nurse and the whole team... She got it. Gave me a hug. And said she'd mention the situtation to the parish nurse and other ministers.

5) Alerted her beloved daytime caregiver, who will be visiting Mom. I believe she finally gets the picture that she is not to openly share info about my mother with my brother, though she will be very nice to him if she sees him.

6) Alerted the bank manager, who's put a note on her account regarding my brother having no authority to access the accounts, even if he physically brought her in.

I think it's overkill, because I truly feel that he will back down. But if he does not, I have filled the moat with gators.

Thank you for listening, it has helped so much.

love,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

WTG Hops

You are well prepared, although I have never been through this!

Am finding it difficult to have anything about which to worry or complain!

Love
Izzy

[Certain Hope]

Gaining Strength, There's a brilliant flash of illumination in that Gotcha insight!! Thank you from me, too!

Hops,

I seriously doubt whether there is any such critter as "overkill" when it comes to managing npd. Box him in, pen him up, write him out, lock him down, and toss away the key!

Love,
Carolyn

[Leah]

Gaining Strength:  Been pondering some on the "Gotcha" aspect, and,    realization of the preceding "Baiting"


Hops:  Moat with gators!  You are amazing!   


Love to ((( ALL )))

Leah

[Hopalong]

Amber...ninjas, Amazons, Mudpuppies w/chainsaws, all would be very very welcome.

Or maybe I should go adopt a Doberman.

they're quite nice, actually, if not trained to act ridiculous.

love
HOps

[Sela]

Ha!  Hops!  Love the doberman idea!  Wouldn't that would be marvelous?  I wonder if you could rent one?

Actually, I know up here one can rent very scary guard dogs (for the wee sum of $600 per month which includes 6pm to 6 am, 7 nights per week, 2 dogs on duty).  One of our neighbours had them and they were sooo cool.  Great big motherofall German Shepherds who didn't make a sound or say a thing to anyone coming into the yard.

They just would not let anyone leave.

 

They caught a couple of theiving bad guys one night and kept 'em cornered 'til their shift ended.

Well.....one can always dream eh?


Great job preparing Hops!  Keep buckling up......strap down the loose ends.....man the guns!!  Oh but I'd just love to hear of your brother getting his arse bit!  (sorry......my pity level is on the low end today.  I have very little for greedy bullies who play sick games and try to weasle from and cut to the chase those (like you) who have truly cared, put up with crap, done the best they could and have only good intentions in mind).

Doberman?  Do they rent alligators, I wonder?

Sela

[Overcomer]

I am sorry for not writing before Hops.  I hope you are coping with your never ending story.  I think I am starting to experience the stage in my life where I have to start caring for my parents.  It is a slippery slope is it not?  My love and prayers and support are with you.  Kell

[Hopalong]

Thanks Kell, TT, Sela...
y'all strengthen my spine.

More to do more to do...all around full workday and PM visits to Mom, but I believe it's going to be all right.

love
Hops

[write]

has brother offered to do anything useful at all Hops?

What do you think he wants deep down- money?

Caring for someone long-term is so exhausting, hope you are getting some bubble baths and little walks and good dinner some days while your mum's away?

By the way that recipe you gave out for garlic tomato soup, I make that so often, it's fended off a few winters' coughs and colds I really believe!

Love
~Write

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
  Thank you for your very wise posts to me. I send you prayers and comforts as you try to navigate through a very difficult situation. I am so sorry, Hops.               Love   Ami

(((((((((Hops)))))))))))

[Hopalong]

Thank you, Ami...I'm touched you reach out.

And thanks, Write...glad to hear you're fulla garlic.

My brother is making himself useful at the house when he's there...he does what he enjoys (cooking) and some small repairs (rewired a lamp, taught me how when I asked him).

I appreciate those things, but the confrontation with him was so primal for me that I don't "melt" in gratitude. I feel instead that he's pleasing himself and buffering his image. (On some level he might regret letting the mask fall when he ordered me to add him to the accounts.) But I can't worry myself trying to read his mind.

I noticed he began to tell me war stories, which he's never done. But it didn't feel spontaneous, like "I want to share this with my sister." It felt more like, "Oh, she's really sensitive, I'll tell her something like that and she'll feel sorry for me again."

I DO feel sorry for him, but I cannot trust him. I also recognize the lost boy inside him who probably is scared of his mother's death and wants to keep a sister in his life. But I have spent decades healing, and will not go back. I am not sure he can relate to me any other way.

Courteous Medium Chill is my motto until he's gone, and every time he reappears.

I am trying to eat well, connect with friends, and most importantly, take care of financial business. I ain't messing around no' mo'. I have negotiated lower rates, done a zero% balance transfer, and for the first time in my life I am going to prepare and follow a rigid budget.

I will be out of debt in a year.

love
Hops