Called my mom's bluff

[Overcomer]

Am-why am I crying?  My life is so much better than yours right now.  I am sorry that you are trying to comfort me when it is you who needs my love and comfort.  I appreciate your words of encouragement.  I need a little pat on the back even if I am not doing what everyone thinks I should.  I agree with them.  I would get sick of hearing me complain too.

[Iphi]

Hey OC - I am not sick of hearing you complain - you take your time and give yourself space to make changes on your terms.  A lot of times that means NOT doing something crazy, but just resolving to find new ways to get out of being stuck and taking and then working on finding those new ways.   Hey, most people here have spent decades stuck to their Ns and have no room to talk about saying JUMP NOW! 

Edit: and I don't think people really mean to do anything instantly but just really identify with your situation and want to download what they have learned so you don't have to suffer a second more!

I mean realistically, if I had "jumped" without looking before I leaped in order to get away from my N as badly as I wanted to,  then I would have had to come crawling back, defeated.  And that is just the kind of thing he would loooooove.  But eventual I did jump and it has worked alright - nothing perfect - still would rather have NOT crazy people in my family - lol!  But I am less crazy now for the changes I eventually made.

You know I have always admired you in your posts because you have show tremendous power, like you have a rocket engine under the hood of your car.  Okay so maybe you have not effectively harnessed that power to work for you, but it's there and it comes across.  I guess with all that power, it can blow up on you if you don't respect it, but it's all learning.  Like for example, you confront your Nmom all the time and take her down to brass tacks.  Yeah, she doesn't change and essentially it gets you nowhere and isn't really working.  But you know it takes some serious power to be able to do that, even if it isn't working.  Just because it isn't working does not invalidate that you have this power to 'bring it!' 

Got to go visit my baby-boo at daycare.  hang in there with yourself - you are an awesome lady with lots of productive life to live. 

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  NOOOO!
 One of our big problems is comparing ourselves to others. I had all the same problems that you did ,Kelly, and I still do. Your issues are valid, whether of not I ,or anyone ,else has a tragedy. Get it, Girl(LOL)!
  You are trying to claim who you are. That is how I see your ongoing angst with your M. Who is Kelly? Whay does she want, believe, think? How does she feel about herself APART from how her M sees her.
  These are MY issues ,too, and still are.
 My son died b/c of the type of issues you are addressing----family pain.
 It is important. Your journey and resolution is important---crucial,  Kelly.          Love   Ami

[Hermes]

Dear Overcomer:

I understand how frustrated and even cornered you must feel.  And I did not see, honestly, anyone here jumping on you.  It is not fair, OC, to say that to people who are only trying to help you, and moreover, trying to help you see a little more clearly.

I think I can say that everyone here feels that for you, and understand your plight.  No one is saying you must dash out the door this very evening.  Your new business venture may work very well, but... you need not to be an emotional wreck in order to be able to put your heart and soul into this business (or indeed into any business you might decide on).  And you do not stand a chance with the millstones around your neck.  You do need to get your ducks in a row, and no one would say otherwise.  But it is impossible to discuss anything rationally with your M, or with your alcoholic husband.  No one here can tell you to file tomorrow for a divorce, or what to do about your mother.

OC, it is not about "making a point".  It is about you and your ultimate survival, your future as a person, and indeed even your physical health.  These levels of stress are not good for you.  You need to be fair to yourself.  No one is saying sell the house and move to an apartment.  You say you bought the house, so I am assuming it is in your name.

Could I, maybe, make a suggestion?  Could you possibly go see an advisor on the practicalities?  And also see someone else to counsel you a little.  
Here for us, on this group, it is hard because we cannot actually see you, and you cannot see us.  Our words can be misconstrued, but we do care.  

BTW you can be emotionally healthy without money and without a job.  It happens to people all the time.  I know, I have been there.   Because of the emotional and mental battering you are getting from your M and H, and your situation, your self-confidence is down in the pits.  These people work on you to make you like that.  Your husband does not have a wife; he has a slave, and he does nothing.  And he won't, until he gets a good fright, maybe.
One door closes and another opens.  I realise you have an autistic child to think of.  It is not easy.

But, only you can take time out to think profoundly, and perhaps it would be well to try to talk these things through with someone there in "real life", and see what way you can turn.

All the very best
Hermes

[Overcomer]

Maybe they were not jumping but for the same reasons I get frustrated by some here-they got frustrated with me.  I am fairly strong but occasionally the frustration of life gets the best of me.  Too much coming at me at once and suddenly I crack.  I have so many little details coming at me quickly and I think I am overwhelmed by them all.  I really want out.  But I need the funds to do it.  If I had the means I could leave my work  AND leave my H.  He is so one dimensional.

[Hermes]

I understand you, Overcomer, believe me I do.  You have a child to think of.  Leaving yourself out of it, your child needs funds for assistance and education.  I can understand that.  What age is your son?  Could you keep your house, even if you divorced your H?  I expect there are things you need to speak of with an expert on a) divorce in your circumstances, and b) your financial future.  I might be wrong here, but I am 99.9% that if your H thought you were going to divorce him, he would immediately jump to attention.  After all, there are few women out there who would put up with what you do: laundress, cook, housekeeper, worker, minder, the list is long.

All the best
Hermes

[cats paw]

Hi Kelly,

  I remember one of Moonlight's posts, and this will be a paraphrase- Freedom and bondage are two sides of the same reality.

  Breathe, Kelly......

Cat

[Gabben]

OC, I am going to be direct.  You said, "The only thing I can do is change the way I respond to her.  "

You know what you need to do but you don't do it.  For months I have read your posts that sound as if you are on the vege of really taking in what people here have learned and applying it to your situation with your mother but week after week you then post your repeated pattern of engaging with her time after time.

You are correct when you say, "The only thing I can do is change the way I respond to her.  "  But now you must change how you respond.  Stop saying it and do it.

your friend - really - GS

Agreed....it will be frienghtening to take a new action, an exercise in courage which is not the absense of fear but the ability to act despite of fear. I encourage you Kelly too. However, you have a daughter to think about ---take the money and run -- lord knows you deserve it and then the next time take the action.

Lise

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Also, for your reading enjoyment when you get a chance....

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm  (this has been posted on this web board many times but it fits well here with your thread.)

To you, she’ll lie blatantly. She will claim to be unable to remember bad things she has done, even if she did one of them recently and even if it was something very memorable. Of course, if you try to jog her memory by recounting the circumstances “You have a very vivid imagination” or “That was so long ago. Why do you have to dredge up your old grudges?” Your conversations with her are full of casual brush-offs and diversionary lies and she doesn’t respect you enough to bother making it sound good. For example she’ll start with a self-serving lie: “If I don’t take you as a dependent on my taxes I’ll lose three thousand dollars!” You refute her lie with an obvious truth: “No, three thousand dollars is the amount of the dependent exemption. You’ll only lose about eight hundred dollars.” Her response: “Isn’t that what I said?” You are now in a game with only one rule: You can’t win.

http://www.geocities.com/zpg1957/narcissists.htm

[Overcomer]

Thanks all.  My H sent me an email that I should refinance the home under my name only.  He has used intimidation on me forever and it used to work.  I could work another job until my business booms.  Thank you all for encouragement.  I need it.

[Hopalong]

Hi ((((Kelly)))

I've heard that multi-level marketing isn't a great thing to build an income on, their advertising notwithstanding...

I think if you got a stable FT job with benefits, even if it pays half what you get now, you could more easily make a plan.

Getting out will involve more planning, less passion.

I remember being worried when you decided to move closer to your mother's house...I'm sorry I didn't speak up.

I do understand the money thing. It's part of why I got stuck with my mother for a decade. I don't think I could've stood a mother like yours if I also had an alcoholic spouse and autistic child.

Don't give up...keep posting, thinking things through...

love,
Hops

[Hermes]

You are so right, Hops.  So right. 

Lateral thinking in situations like O.C.'s is vital.  Sometimes that journey out of the quagmire involves starting from a different point.

All the best
Hermes

[Overcomer]

Well the closeness of my parents is not an issue-now that they have the newlyweds downstairs they have enough going on to keep her away.  And I understand what you say with network marketing but I have seen the quick rise before and even if it is short lived I should be able to save a bit.  My aunt thinks my mom and I should work opposite days and she told my mom we were as opposite as night and day and that I will never be like her.  I told my aunt my mom has tried to mold me into her.

[Overcomer]

Well my H came home and tried to continue the fight from this morning.  I said I wanted to go to marriage counseling.  He said he didnt.  I told him he disengages when he gets home at night.  He said he is thinking about moving out because he feels disengaged from me.  I told him I didnt case and to move out already.  So he left.

[Overcomer]

And now he is back and using the F word and telling me I am just like my M.  I told him I am not afraid of him and he told me he is not afraid of me and then he said something really stupid like did I wait for his mom to die to decide to leave him.

[Hermes]

It sounds truly devastating, and soul-destroying, the kind of exchanges you are having with your H.  This is really bad for you, O.C.

Hermes