Called my mom's bluff

[Gaining Strength]

OC - I think I have pushed too hard.  I didn't see how vulnerable a place you are in right now.

I said, "You know what you need to do but you don't do it." but I didn't mean anything about your work or your husband.  What I meant was that you change how you REACT to your mother and your husband.  That is the real key for you and for us all.

I so wish I could convey to you the message I am trying to send but somehow you are not able to hear.  Learning to change how your react is difficult to do but it is not difficult emotionally.  It is emotionally freeing and impowering and that is why I wish it for you.  Especially now, especially since you have no support from your husband in trying to Overcome the struggles with your mother and all other obstacles.

Really my heart is with you.  I want good for you but I am afraid that what I have been saying here sounds to you like I am "telling" you what to do - get a job, leave your husband.  But I promise that I am saying neither one of those and I don't think anyone else here is saying those either. 

I hear people giving you advice about how to detach from your mother so that you no longer react emotionally to her but that you react rationally and with a cold calcutating plan to further your healing and your personal development.  But perhaps has your husband starts the pull the rug out from underneath you the timing is terribly wrong and what you really need is support for where you are not a push to do something different.

The most important thing for you and for each and everyone of us here is to take care of ourselves.  Remember - just ignore what is written here if it does not speak to your heart.  It is meant well but that does not mean that it is  right for you at this time.  Listen to your heart about what you need to do and who you need to listen to.  But know that even if some of us here are not saying what you want to hear it is not because we do not like you, it is because we aren't connecting well with you right now.  I hope to do better for you at another time.  - your friend - GS

[Overcomer]

I realize that on the stress test where moving, death, a marriage, surgery etc. cause stress.  So this reception put me over the edge and now I see that when push comes to shove my H will make things worse not better.  I am worried about finances but I would rather skimp than be married to a detached alcoholic man-even if I do need his money!  I will find a way.  And yes,I think you all pushed me too hard in my fragile state.  I am normally pretty strong and have made great strides but now not.

[Overcomer]

I will not move-rather I will make a way without him.  He makes $1200 Per Paycheck and takes at least $600 In allowance per month.  Plus my grocery bill will go down.  Water.  It will be tight at I am getting my first $200 Check from my business and I have only been in two weeks.  I will need to cut coupons

[Leah]

Dear Kelly,

My understanding is that we were posting in reference to the issue of your mother, and the reaction, thereof.

Certainly, that was the context of my posting.

However, afterward, my heart went out to your young daughter, with a prayer for peace, for her dear heart.

Going No Contact with my NPD Mother, after years of verbalizing, was the best decision; for me, my life, my health, my Emotional health.

I am not "for sale" therefore, my mother cannot buy me.  And I am grateful to be out of her will.  That kind of money, I do not desire.

Downsizing (exNH) has been the best thing that has happened to me, with subsequent; refocusing on life, with real needs, and not wants.

Personally, I identify with CB's post.  With the exception of homeschooling.

All the very best wishes for your new business, Kelly.

Here, we offer and share; our thoughts, personal life experience, and worldview, in words.  We share articles, and signpost.  All of which, is for the discernment of the recipient(s).  To receive, or ignore, after all, that is one's freedom of choice and free will.  Kind hearts, with kind intentions, I believe.  No wise sages or gurus.  Just ordinary folk, in real life, with real life experience(s).  That's my understanding.

Sincerely, Leah

[Overcomer]

Well this morning he apologised.

[Hermes]

I am sure he did, Overcomer.  They always do, until the next time around. 

Do beware of "Malignant Optimism" Overcomer.  In fact there is an article on the net about it.

All the best
Hermes

[Ami]

Dear Kelly,
  I am so sorry,Kelly. I wish I had "words" to offer,but I don't. I will keep you in my prayers. I am ,always, here for you, however you want to reach me.
 You have been a wonderful friend to me and I want to offer any assistance that I can to you.      Love   Ami


((((((((((Kelly))))))))))))))))

[Overcomer]

I am going to google malignant optimism-never heard of it.

[Leah]

I am going to google malignant optimism-never heard of it.

Hi Kelly,

I had never heard of it either, and googled, only found reference to it on sites that quoted Sam Vaknin's writings and use of the term

 The Malignant Optimism of the Abused

By: Dr. Sam Vaknin


First published in my
"Narcissistic Personality Disorder"
Topic Page on Suite 101


Leah

[Overcomer]

Guilty as charged.  I have the abuse but when it is over I almost forget what happened-kinda like giving birth.

[Ami]

(((((((((((Kelly))))))))))              Love   Ami

[Bella_French]

I can definately relate!. I've been tip-toeing around my own wedding planning for years, because each time I bring it up with my parents I feel that my wishes are not heard, or not regarded as important. But I don't want to go through hurting my mother by leaving her out either. Also, she has her strengths, and she would be a big help in many ways. I just haven't seemed to convince her to have the wedding where WE want it to be yet. And I'm terrified that she'll be so disappointed in my looks, and say so in front of guests.

So my finace and I have been engaged 4-ish years now, and we've made no real wedding plans. But something strange happened this week- her dog died. It is a very sad time, but this has opened up the possibility of her agreeing to our preferred wedding location (which is a place where dogs, sadly, can't go). We are even taking a holiday together there in May, so she will hopefully see what a special place it is. Fingers crossed.

Kelly, I find my mother does come around, like yours does, but it just takes so much time. I have learned to be a very patient person, lol!

X bella

[Overcomer]

Reading your post Bella I cannot believe there is someone alre who allows their mom to do this.  At my wedding I wanted a cash bar outside the hall so if anyone wanted a drink they could buy one.  She refused and half the wedding left to go to the downstairs bar.  She could not understand that the majority of guests did drink and she foule not impose her will on them all.  I just went along for the ride and married a stupid man rather than spoil all HER PLANS.

[Leah]

My NPD Mother ruined each of her children's weddings, in twisted drama queen style.  Right there, at the wedding.

Humiliation and embarrassment, does not seem to cover the feeling.  Apparently, she did exactly the same, many years previously, at her youngest brother's wedding.

Leah

[Overcomer]

How so Leah?  My mom does not ruin the wedding for my D-it was perfect.  She is ruining the planning for it-at least to me.  And it is not even that-it is the way she makes me FEEL!  Maybe it is my problem because like Pavlov's Dog she says something and I always react.  Oh I have made great strides but every once in awhile when the stress is up and my mind is overwhelmed she kicks me off the cliff.