Another level of rage, pain & anguish -- going deeper into the desert...

[Gabben]

During the holiday season my old pain and memories seemed to subside and I got a needed reprieve from the intense emotions I had been processing this past year. Being with my family was fulfilling and warming as well as distracting.

But now, I am back home from the family visits, holiday travel and I have stepped back into my old routines again, I am beginning to feel deep pain... again.

I hurt, I feel deep anguish, rage, deep infantile and toddler jealousy that has been buried in me for so many years...it comes up and I silently scream in rage. I lay in bed, in the mornings before work, refusing to numb myself or run from the pain -- I have feel to heal --I lay there in anguish, tears streaming down my checks, I feel just like a baby when she is in rage...nothing will sooth, nothing will fix it, it just needs to be felt, expressed and experienced. My thoughts tell me that the pain will never go away. My shame tells me that I am crazy and I am mentally defective. The deep shame that accompanies my pain and growing awareness is so excruciating.

The reason I do this work is because I know that the way out is through. I know that to deeply feel and regress to earlier stages in life is to heal and move forward. I was abandoned physically and emotionally at my most precious stages in life. Rejection was and is my worst fear...being ignored is so deeply painful, it is a psychological torture.

Since I was in my early twenties I have worked through many layers of pain but I always tell myself be ready for more. But then, I feel better, it is if I have reached a pocket of sanity or peace, I feel hope and new life in me. I tell myself that it is over and I will not have to go back to that place. But then a mild to severe depression will set in and I begin to sink...then the pain surfaces, each time more painful, more intense, more deeply felt. What makes it bearable is my awareness...my ability to recognize that the pain is not present it is old past and I remind myself this is how that precious little girl felt when she was left alone abandoned to conform to her mom's projections and toxic desires...I hug a tiny little doll that has my hair color and a angry frown on her face, fists clenched. I let her hurt, I let her silently scream and I let the tears roll.

[Ami]

You are so brave,Lise. I admire you SO much.                           Love, Ami

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  You really encouraged me with this thread. I know the pain that you have been through and if you can heal, so can I. I was lying in bed and it hit me that I need to live from the inside out,not the outside in. Psychology calls it 'inner locus' of control.
 I made up my mind that I am going to trust myself---that is it--for better or worse.
 I am OK.I was always OK. The lie was that I had to hide in shame.
  So many lies, Lise.  I will write more later. Have to go ,now.   Love You, Lise.      Ami

[Gabben]

Dear Lise,
  You really encouraged me with this thread. I know the pain that you have been through and if you can heal, so can I. I was lying in bed and it hit me that I need to live from the inside out,not the outside in. Psychology calls it 'inner locus' of control.
 I made up my mind that I am going to trust myself---that is it--for better or worse.
 I am OK.I was always OK. The lie was that I had to hide in shame.
  So many lies, Lise.  I will write more later. Have to go ,now.   Love You, Lise.      Ami

Hi Ami,

Thanks for this...

Life is an inside job...or so the saying goes. If I want the outside to change, including my relationships with others, I need to first change my inside.

Facing my behaviors and asking myself what am I doing and how is it effecting others? That is and was only a start for me.

In AA we have a saying..."clean house, trust God and help others." The house cleaning I have been doing is the emotional housecleaning.

For now, or today, the issues that were hurting me yesterday have passed some. Being ignored is so deeply painful....imagine the anguish and rage a child feels when it is ignored. Yet, I am an adult, not a child so I have to act like one in the present and hold the old childish emotions and thoughts that go along with them as past and not to be acted on. Just like my post here.....yesterday I expressed deep pain and yet know one one the board responded or acknowledged...it hurt...but I am able to be rational and think that others have their needs and problems and they also can't always handle deep expressions of pain and healing.

Also, I have not been as giving to others in support and compassion here as I have been in the past because I have been quietly processing so much pain. I also know that others here have hatred and coldness to me....but the freeing thing is that it does not bother me!!!!!!! I feel OK because I know that I am OK!!!!!!!!!!

If know one responds it does not make or break my day. I focus on the people that love and understand and encourage the work I do as well the people in my life who see who I really am and know the goodness of my soul.

Peace to you Ami - thanks for caring.

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  I am sorry you are hurting. It hurts to be ignored.  You are right to come to the conclusion that you did. You have intrinsic value whether one or a hundred people respond.
 This is one of our hardest lessons--our intrinsic value.
  The hardest part is believing it ,in our hearts.
 There is a larger lesson here. Do we have value when the outside does not affirm us? I wish I could wave a magic wand and get healed on this one.(lol) Don't you,Lise?       Love    Ami

((((((((Lise))))))))))

[Gabben]

Dear Lise,
  I am sorry you are hurting. It hurts to be ignored.  You are right to come to the conclusion that you did. You have intrinsic value whether one or a hundred people respond.
 This is one of our hardest lessons--our intrinsic value.
  The hardest part is believing it ,in our hearts.
 There is a larger lesson here. Do we have value when the outside does not affirm us? I wish I could wave a magic wand and get healed on this one.(lol) Don't you,Lise?       Love    Ami

((((((((Lise))))))))))

Good post, thanks...YES, exactly.... value.   Deep down in all of us we want and need to be deeply affirmed....deeply seen, we need to hear spoken words of love and kindness towards us...we need to know that we are loved valued and cared for for no other reason but because we are here.

If we did not get enough of this genuine love as children then we are going to have holes and go through life seeking to fill the holes left from lack of genuine love. The problem is that the way we fill the holes, addiction, relationships, denial, is self-destructive...it hurts us and others.

So....if we never got the love we needed then sometimes we just need to grieve that loss...mourn what was not...My inner child is in that mourning and the emotional healing and relief I am feeling is so much better. It is suddenly as if I can see future wholeness and what it is like to be whole..to not need anything on the outside to fill me because my bleeding wounds are getting filled with my own compassion and I am able to see me and KNOW deeply that I am valued....just because!!

Feeling better Ami...my old hurt is just old hurt...I can stand it...it is not the pain that is so painful in life it is the resistance to it that hurts more.

Love,
Lise

[Ami]

Oh Lise,
  I am glad that you feel a little better. I am getting ready to write a really ,deep thread. I am resistant to doing it b/c I don't want to face OR share it, but I must.
 You are facing truth. You have a "promise" from God that you will heal, and so do I.You are an inspiration to me ,today, when I want to give up. You inspire me to go forward with all the old  and new pain. Thank you.    I love you,Lise        Ami

[seasons]

Dear ((Lise)),

I am so sorry I did not reply because of my own fears. Your post was so deep, written with grace almost poetry from the heart.
I struggle with my inept ability to express myself through text. When I am comfortable I can talk away yet I freeze at this computer so many days. Please except my sincere apology.

I heard you, I wish I could of taken away such pain you shared. As a parent I wanted to reach out and hold you, rock you as a child, so blessed and to be treasured, held and always protected.

I hear your heart and soul you bravely shared. ((wishing you healing and free of pain))

You mentioned christmas was warming etc. were toxic people from your childhood there? I'm curious how you get through it so well.

Lise you are obviously working so hard, working deep down to the core. I am beside you cheering you on as you sludge through the mud. May God always surround you with his love for you.

Sent with compassion ((Lise)) seasons

[Ami]

Seasons
  You are such a wonderful addition to the board!              Love   Ami

[Gabben]

Dear Seasons ....you are amazing...my heart fills with warmth whenever I see your name on this board. You are and have been an example of pure and sweet kind love. I sometimes have actually wondered if you have a critical or judgemental bone in your body.

Thank you for your words which for me read like poetry and helped bring some needed pain to the surface again for me.

I'm just so tired of carrying emotional baggage and I am not a parent, just me, I can afford the time and emotional state that is takes to do this work. It is hard for us and my hope is that through healing I will become a more gentle, less reactive and warmer person to care for others. People just want to be loved and accepted.

I am blessed because most of the people I spent my holiday with are non-toxic. During the holidays I spend time in one state with my uncle and aunt who took care of me for a year when I was four, they are super loving, they raised 7 of their own children who are my close cousins with whom I can tell everything too, we hug each other and can cry and no one pretends there is not an elephant standing in the living room. My aunt is a grandma now with 15 grandkids. This New Years Eve she had 13 of my adorable second cousins spend the night, the next morning her and grandpa fixed breakfast for them all like pros...they love kids they lived for them. Their house a big warm safe haven - the same house they lived in for over 30 years raising their children. Everyone returns the family house, the guys watch football and the girls play with the little girls sit around and chat. It is a slice of heaven for me.

My sister lives in another state and I spend a week with her as well she is amazing, mother of four, teacher and wonderful wife. Her an her husband are warm and good people. I am very blessed.

My only toxic relatives are my biological father and my mother of course, but I stay away from her for the holidays and instead send her gifts and cards call her...but I keep my boundaries and distance to protect myself. I spent some time with my biological father when I was visiting my aunt, he was a bit of a challenge for me this time...he was selfish as usual and acknowledging, but I just try to focus on the family that does love and loves me.


Dearest (((Seasons)))...thank you. I hope I can be there for you as wonderfully as you were for me today, if and when you are ever hurting, or for that matter, any reason.

Love,
Lise

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry for the pain, Lise.
It sounds overwhelming.

Sometimes I'm too weary to respond,
or don't know what to say. Or sometimes, a post seems so complete that my response feels superfluous.

(That doesn't = rejecting anyone, though...)

Sometimes when people really need responses, they'll say, I really need responses.
Then I claw myself out of my stupour and type.

with love,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear Lise,
  I know that this is the obvious answer( as you do),but I think that we are searching to feel at "home' in ourselves. I am homesick ,in myself. I have looked outside for so long and it always let me down.Forgive me,if you already said this or meant this.
  It is really just my need to hear myself talk.
  I know where I need to go---peace and love within.THEN, I can give it out---not before. I have all these lies and distortions which must be exorcised. That is the hard part--letting them go and not believing them when they want to rear their ugly heads.
                                                         Love  Ami
 
 

[Gabben]

Dear Hops,

No worries...it is sort of a catch 22 with me right now meaning that being ignored is the deep issue that I am dealing with. I was ignored as a baby, left to lay in a crib or play pin, my mother was self-absorbed and usually fighting with my dad. A few times she was hospitalized for mental problems and suicide attempts. In my early, baby years, I was left alone and ignored...So people not responding is a trigger here but the realty is like you and Seasons and Ami said...people do care but sometimes the stuff we post IS too deep and not everyone can respond....I fully understand, sometimes nothing rises in us, we can't think of what to say or we just don't feel moved, it is not personal.

The catch is that as an adult I do not need or should be depending on others to affirm me or give me attention. But, if I need it then, like you said I should write -- "please take the time to respond to me." LOL However, I don't think I will do that.

My healing is leading me to not really care when I am ignored and instead to push myself be focused on others, it is freeing, feeling the old release of pain and letting go of old ideas.

Thanks Hops for your comfort and care, you are such a good soul.

Peace,
Lise

[Gabben]

Dear Ami

If I may, talking with your mother, seriously, now that you know she loves you, might be the answer you need to help get rid of all the lies that you've lived. Your mother could help, being she is a psychologist, and talk about when you were too young to remember and likely come upon the time you "withdrew" and it might be before age 14. Age 14 could have been another change. Your Mother can tell you now.

You must be greatly relieved to know she is not an N, after all, and CAN love.

xx
Izzy

Hi Izzy,

Thanks for reaching out to Ami.

Question for you, did you have an N mom or an N dad?

Just because Ami's mom loves her does not mean that she was NOT an N -- there are levels of traits and behaviors.
My N mom loves me; just last night I was reflecting on the sweet little things my mom would do for me and does do for me. But if I was to start talking about my feelings or pain or my life...then all hell will break loose and my mom will become invasive, critical, over stepping her limits and twisting things. My mom's feelings are all that really matter to her. N moms are Jekyll and Hyde personalities.

Lise

[Hermes]

Hello to all:

Yes, there are N-ish traits, and then there is NPD, the actual personality disorder.  Narcissism is a spectrum running from some N traits (for example a "jerk" might be said to have N traits), to the full-blown disorder, which is a very serious mental disability.

All the best
Hermes