Sjkravill,
Thanks for the compliment re. my board name. It is my birthstone plus my precious little kitty’s name (Topaz)
I won’t write more on this afterwards because I see that you mentioned you are in the process of slowly sorting your feelings through.
I only wanted to leave you with some things that you may find helpful to watch for, during this process.
My H's changes are mostly 'realizations' which seem surprisingly insightful. They don't come easily (mostly after months without sex or something), and I am still waiting to see how long they really last. I am waiting to see if his behavior only changes form... Usually, with N’s or those with N traits, the insight realizations are really “hooks”, and they come at times where the N feels their relationship stability is threatened, or where something they want/need emotionally is threatened. This would seem to fit with the timing when the “realizations” come with your husband, as well. Sadly, I’ve experienced that the self wisdom is really just a disguised way of stating the ever cliché “but I’ve changed”….
Quite awhile back, when I joined another board of those with N partners, I was so surprised to hear the exact same thing, over & over, as other people’s experiences. Their N’s & xN’s said all of the insightful things, too. It wasn’t long before a pattern was established, and one could see that N’s use their “new found enlightenment” as hooks. Many kinds of general abusers do the same, too.
My xN would say insightful things that would knock my socks off, and I remember feeling so awestruck that he had the capacity to think like that in him. It drew me to him even more wildly. I was completely wrong though. The words always ended up being nothing but hooks because something was going on in the relationship (I was not putting up with his unfair tactics at the time), and old behaviors would always return.
At some times, I think they are capable of genuine insight, and might want to change at that moment, and even believe that they can at that moment they are speaking about changing.
But, it
has to fade, I think, as that kind of change can’t be done on words and willpower alone.
If you want to know whether he is serious, it might be helpful to keep it in your mind, that anyone serious about deep self-change needs a concrete
plan, and needs to follow through on that plan in terms of starting it, and showing they are staying with it, within a reasonable/fairly quick amount of time. Other than that, the person is either probably not ready, or not wanting to make serious changes.
I just wanted to mention those things for your consideration at this important time of decision for you.
I wish so much that I had more positive/hopeful things to say, and believe me, I wished the same when I was trying to reconcile & figure out what I should do myself. Having to stop dating N nearly caused me a complete emotional/mental break-down (but good news is that one does get through it- I’m okay these days!). I did believe in the mere self professed realizations without any other proof of self work,
many times, and I was always proven wrong, and devastated. Finally, I knew I needed to quit setting my own self up for the fall or I'd be a basket case soon. But before that, I also needed to see for myself, as many times as it took, that the behavior would never change (without serious intervention).
I wasn’t married to my xN (not even living together-just dating) so I know it is different, as well.
As I mentioned, I really just wanted to write some things that you might consider while you are sorting out the whole thing.
Best wishes & take good care of yourself.
