Pregnant N sent me away

[hardtotrust]

I am not sure how long it has been that you have realized your mother did not love you? If you are new to that idea, you may be trying to fill that space you are left with.

It took me a long time to realize that. Maybe some part of me is still in denial, because I still find it difficult to believe my Ns are liars and evil as they are. I still try to find excuses for them.

Maybe I simply haven't completely accepted the idea of being rejected. I'm very ashamed of that. I remember being ashamed at school, at public events, when everyone one was there and my parents weren't.

That's why reading so much about N helps me. It's a reference. A confirmation that what I've seen is real. There are no excuses and it's not exactly my fault.

I'll try to stick to your suggestion ("I would leave this woman alone completely."), for the sake of my mental health, and Ami's ("I hope you find the right woman for you") to try to find some meaning.

Thanks Beth!

[papillon]

Hi Hardtotrust-

I've been reading your posts and it sounds like you're feeling really low. That's probably quite normal and healthy considering what's going on in your world. A spiritual retreat sounds like the way to go. I so hope so. I'm hoping you can chill and get some head space.

Just wanted to bring this post back up.

Hard,
I have not read through the five pages after your original post here, so forgive me if I am repeating what someone else has expressed/advised...

I would leave this woman alone completely. I would go to a lawyer, have him require her to have a paternity test as soon as the baby is born. If the child is yours, I would have the lawyer draw up agreements immediately for the future care of the baby.

I feel very sad that a child was brought into this mess. But, if the child is not yours, I think you should stay out of the situation. This woman sounds insane, and I am afraid that even if you are a nice, stable sort of fellow, you will have very little influence in the child's life.

Hard, I think it is time to drop all communication with the entire family, unless it is through legal channels.

Take care and keep posting to let us know how things are progressing.

Beth

I think these are very wise suggestions from G28.

Hoping the retreat clears your vision and is emotionally and mentally refreshing for you,

Later

Papillon

[Ami]

Thinking of you ,hardtotrust. You ARE worthwhile, even when you don't "feel" it. I share your religious views(based on the book you mentioned).
 We HAVE value, whether or not we "feel'it. It is inherent. I am writing to myself, as well as you,here, hatdtotrust.
                              Love and a Hug to you,   Ami

[hardtotrust]

Hi Papillon!!!

Thank you very much. This thread is full of wonderful advice. Time to read it all again.

I was extremely low yesterday night. Went to the church (not the one I'm used to) to go to the spiritual retreat. I was really bad. I waited there for more than one hour and wasn't feeling good while waiting, until I couldn't handle it and came back home, thinking about going to the religious people who have been helping more and praying for me. I was very desperate. Really, really  bad. Managed to sleep.

This morning...

Ami, I am going to say something very relevant to me. When you say things like that and I can relate to you at least at some level, you make me very proud. That's because I admire you, what you do, what you say, the people you help here, your strength. So, when you say that we have at least something in common, even if it as problem  , I feel important!

Thank you!

Now, well, I don't know how to say it, but this morning...

Well, let's just say now you are all officially authorized to place me in a mental institution. A comfortable one, please.

I won't say anything else now, just...

[Ami]

Oh Hardtotrust,
 I am sorry you are hurting so badly. Once ,when I was in despair and desperate, Lise(Gabben) told me that if it really, really hurts so badly that you think you will die(or want to die) it is probably FOO (family of origin) pain that you are re-living.
 That  helped. Even though your situation is very ,very heartbreaking and disturbing, I bet that you are re-experiencing "original" abandonment, shame ,pain ,fear and guilt.You,also, may be experiencing lonliness that is greatly  compounded by the lonliness you felt as a child.
 IOW, your current pain is magnified 1000 times by your original FOO pain.
 Hardtotrust, you sent me the Joyce Meier link, so we believe in God the same way, I think.
 You DO have inherent value,just as Joyce did and I do.
  I know these can just be "words",but I wanted to say them ,anyway.
  Even if EVERYTHING worked out with the N and the baby,I think that you still have deep FOO pain that you would have to heal.
  I had two beautiful sons and it did not touch the deep pain from my NM. Nothing ever has, no matter what I achieved, bought, did etc----nothing touched it except love(from a person) and from God.
   I hope it helps to realize that even if all your outside dreams came true, your "insides" would still hurt. It helped me to know and experience that.
 Keep sharing, Hardtotrust. I really, really do care.
Thanks for all your beautiful words to me. You really ,really touched my heart ! It was a balm to me, Hardtotrust.    Love, Ami
 

[hardtotrust]

Thank you, Ami! Thank you!

You are right about Joyce Meyer's example. I always forget that she suffered a lot, much more than me. And  yes, you are right, about my pain being magnified by my past. I always forget that, too. Good point.

Oh, but only recently I have come to see God this way. And I am still being "reprogrammed". Before that, I had a different kind of religion, more like karma, which led me to reinforce everything negative I learned about me, the world and God in my FOO.

I had two beautiful sons and it did not touch the deep pain from my NM. Nothing ever has, no matter what I achieved, bought, did etc----nothing touched it except love(from a person) and from God.

This is precious wisdom, that comes from lessons learned the hard way. Thank you for sharing. I needed to hear that.

Thanks God for helping me touching your heart in a good way!

[Ami]

Dear Hardtotrust,
  I was not sure if the pix was your Pregant N or just a picture .I didn't understand what you meant by your highlighted words.
  Maybe ,I am being dense,Hardtotrust. Could you explain,please.            Ami

[hardtotrust]

No, you are not being dense! I am listening very carefully to all your words, which are helping me a lot.

But, Ami, this morning she invited me to go to the course for pregnant women she's taking! And the crazy guy here agreed to go!

I was daddy for a day!

I took a lot of pictures. There was no special involvement (no touching, no emotional words), but I was at her side while she was shopping for clothes and there were very nice pictures.

I wanted to share that with you.

[papillon]

Hi Hardtotrust,


A comfortable mental asylum sounds like an oxymoron. I think that would make a good forum surname for me. Papillon Oxymoron. What do you think?

That picture looks like me after too much pizza and beer  .  Is it the baby?

I don't think you're crazy Hardtotrust, even if it'll make you feel better to think you are. Sorry - can't give you that point - out of bounds  .

The problem I have with life is that I wasn't consulted about whether I wanted to be here. Then, when it was determined that I would be I wasn't informed as to how it all works, or how to work it all. I also won't be consulted when my time is up.

So Hardtotrust, if you do find a comfy asylum can you email me the address, I might join you. Or maybe we can just tough it out here.

Good photo,

Papillon

"Integrity is unity of the personality; it implies being brutally honest with ourselves about our intentionality. Since intentionality is inextricably bound up with the daimonic, this is never an easy, nor always pleasant pursuit. But being willing to admit our daimonic tendencies - to know them consciously and to wisely oversee them - brings with it the invaluable blessing of freedom, vigor, inner strength, and self-acceptance."
Stephen A. Diamond, 1996, Anger, Madness, and the Daimonic

[Ami]

Oh Hardtotrust
  It is a beautiful picture, for sure!                                                 Love, Ami

[hardtotrust]

A comfortable mental asylum sounds like an oxymoron. I think that would make a good forum surname for me. Papillon Oxymoron. What do you think?

That picture looks like me after too much pizza and beer  .  Is it the baby?

LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL !!!

Yes, that is the baby! My PB! (possible baby!)

You're fantastic, Papillon! I will enjoy your company in an asylum! Oh, and the facilities must have a gym, because that looks like my belly after lunch, too.

[hardtotrust]

Thanks, Ami!

I guess you must be scratching your head, making a cross at the side of my name in your list of forum friends and thinking "Well, this one is a goner...". 

[Ami]

No Hardtotrust,
 My thinking is not too swift these days and I just needed  some help in understanding. You would have to do more than THAT to get an X across your name, Hardtotrust(lol).                                        Ami

[Ami]

Dear Papillion,
  Does  "diamonic"  mean demonic? I hope so cuz then the whole thing makes sense(lol) .      Ami

[hardtotrust]

Your thinking is full of precious thoughts that make the difference for me, Ami.

Right now, I am a little happy (an oasis in this desert), but if it wasn't for your guidance these past days, I am not sure I wouldn't even be here to have this moment.

Thanks for still having hope for me, despite my emotional decision today.

((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))