Loving Yourself

[Ami]

I want to share something wonderful that happened to me. Since my teens, I have hated myself, and not even realized it. It had become "normal". I did not have enough of a gap,in to my own behavior to even see how "violently" I hated myself.
 I have seen Ann three times and my friend(very smart) has helped me to gain some insight.
 Last week, I had a breakthrough.
 Ann was telling me that my stomach problems were about not feeling safe. I saw that I never could feel safe enough. I had a drive to make myself and my life so small that  I could finally be safe.
 Then,I talked to my friend ,who showed me that my life with my M was a Catch 22 where I was always failing and ALWAYS  being decimated for it. I was trying to reach the "top"(perfection)and  being thrown to the 'bottom". My M was in my head and I was doomed to repeat this,over and over.
I said,"How could YOU like me, after all this?"
The answer was "Your question "reveals" the problem :that you have to be "perfect" before I can like you."
Then,I got  dizzy b/c that interaction mirrored my WHOLE life. I had to be  perfect and I was a continual loser, over and over, b/c I always falied.
After that(Sunday), I started feeling that I could love myself. I felt like I had been given the most wonderful gift, which dropped from the sky ,when I didn't even KNOW that I needed it.
 I have been given many material gifts and I am grateful for them all, but the gift of your own love for yourself is priceless.
 I have just begun this journey AWAY from my NM's hatred of me( and herself).
 However,I have taken the first step and the first step is beautiful ,even though it is small.                                                 Ami

[DailyMail]

Ami,

do you wonder about the bridge between loving yourself and wondering if the world loves you too?  I guess I'm thinking about the aloneness issue again.

[Ami]

For me, s/one loved me in such a way that I could begin to love myself. I started to have a 'gap" in the programming from my M ,where I was always either seeking perfection or failing  and the resulting shame and self hatred.
 I am getting a sense that most of the "bad " things in me are "human". Maybe, I have N spots from my M. I ,probably, do. I am not sure what to do with them ,yet,but  am going to talk to Ann and "confess" ALL the bad things about me ,like I did about my being a mother to Scott.
 At the end, I saw the truth of the situation with Scott,as I hope that I will do with this.

 

[Gabben]

Then,I talked to my friend ,who showed me that my life with my M was a Catch 22 where I was always failing and ALWAYS  being decimated for it. I was trying to reach the "top"(perfection)and  being thrown to the 'bottom". My M was in my head and I was doomed to repeat this,over and over.
I said,"How could YOU like me, after all this?"
The answer was "Your question "reveals" the problem :that you have to be "perfect" before I can like you."
Then,I got  dizzy b/c that interaction mirrored my WHOLE life. I had to be  perfect and I was a continual loser, over and over, b/c I always failed.


Ami -- this above is good insight. I have been thinking about the same stuff lately along the lines of N saint. She told me once that I told her that she was unmerciful. She could not understand why I said that to her. It took me a long time to realize that she hated herself just like your H hates himself? She seems unmerciful to me and now I know why I said that to her, she was unmerciful to herself.

By the time I met N saint I had come through so much healing and self acceptance. What N saint did for me was to awaken me to a deep level of pain and awareness of my own n traits and unhealed wounds, my deeply hidden wounds.


I only saw goodness in N saint for the first two years I knew her. Now I realize that that was my projection of my goodness onto her and her intense projected self-image of kindness, perfection and goodness or her mask.

N saint saw the splint of my own N traits which was HER LOG in her eyes. She was constantly trying to remove the splint in my eye so that she could erase the log in hers. That is part of why she triggered me so much.

Later I realized that my telling her that she lacked mercy was my way of saying that I always felt that I had to be perfect or that I did not measure up to her standards. I never felt liked by her and it was so confusing but it was about her not liking herself.


What I am trying to say is that the N's will need to either smear themselves off onto us to make themselves feel better or they will need to pick at our splint in order to diminish their log of self-hatred.

Does that make sense?

Peace (((((((((((((AMI)))))))))))))

[Ami]

WOW Lise. That really helps!                     Love   Ami

[DailyMail]

I have always had a sense of my solidness.  (This will be hard to verbalize I think.)

I've always felt in my bones and my cells that I was made of good stuff. Stuff that may not always be beautiful or kind, not always smart or talented, not always generous or supportive, but ALWAYS solid and good.  Somewhat along the lines of that saying "God don't make no junk."

But there's something very painful about recognizing my own solidity and goodness, and other people's solidity and goodness and yet, not feeling connected to the network of life.  There's something painful about being in the margin.  It's something unresolved because I am comfortable with the choice to not work hard at crossing the margin and entering the mainland, and I'm equally comfortable stepping into it when the times are right and natural and warm (like coming to this forum).

But even in the mainland, I feel like a welcome and beautiful visitor, not like an inhabitant.

I wonder if anyone feels that, their solidness (self-esteem) but their disconnectedness to the pulse of a community.

[Gabben]

disconnectedness to the pulse of a community.

A sense of community is vital for happy living, at least I have found this fact to be true. There are no limits to how many communities you can join or need.

For instance, yes, I have this forum. Then there is my AA community and then there is my:
 church community
 ministry/charity community
 office community
 knitting community
 ice skating community -- although I don't skate much these days I still am close with a few of my old skating freinds.
 great group of girlfriends community
 big loving family community


Up until now I never realized how many people are in my life and how much love and warmth I am surrounded by. There is a different strength that I draw from each one.

Thanks for this Daily.....cool.........glad you are here. Hope you can empathize, if you know what I mean.



P.S. I did a tiny bit a research and here is some info on community.
----------------------------------------------------------------

Four elements of Sense of Community
There are four elements of "Sense of Community" according to the McMillan & Chavis theory:



Membership includes five attributes:

Boundaries
Emotional safety
A sense of belonging and identification
Personal investment
A common symbol system

[DailyMail]

Being loved is like breathing I think.  I can't imagine that it's possible to be healthy and not be loved.

I don't lack in that department thankfully, however, I am so different from my sibling, my parents, my expartners, my own child, my friends, I can give love and take in love, but I still feel beautifully and oddly different from them so much that I still don't feel the connectedness beyond the fleeting moments of connection we all have.

For me this is very much part of the aloneness and homelessness spoken about on another thread.

Ha!  I used to say when I was younger "I'm still waiting for the mother ship to come back and get me" because there's always been this sense of being a stranger in a strange land.

[Ami]

Dear Besee,
 Every situation that has happened to me , on the board, has strengthened me in real life.
It is such a tool for learning basic life skills that we did not learn in abusive families like how to defend yourself and still maintain your integrity.
               Love  Ami
 
 

[Certain Hope]

What I am trying to say is that the N's will need to either smear themselves off onto us to make themselves feel better or they will need to pick at our splint in order to diminish their log of self-hatred.

Does that make sense?

Yes! It surely does make sense... thank you, Lise. 

Carolyn

[Ami]

I have had one beer every night since Scott died, so I am on the right track with the beer ,anyway(lol)
                                                                                                                      Ami

[Ami]

Dear Besee,
  I re-read your post.I think that you have a great point about "complaining" more. You are saying(I hear) that you need more N. I know that *I* need more N. I have too much LV(little voice) and I need to own , affirm and proclaim myself more.I hear you saying that. I may be wrong.
  I realized, from the board, that many people are not going to like you ,even if you are the MOST approval seeking person out there SO you might as well be your old ,crazy  self(speaking  for myself, now).
  I have missed you , Besee.             Love    Ami

[Leah]

had low expectations (NOT allowed by my mom) and thus were pleasantly and delightfully surprised and happy when something good did happen

Hi Besee,

That's really interesting, thanks ever so much for sharing.

Quite the opposite to that "generation me" article/info.

Leah x