Hi, group,
I am back from my trip to stay with grandkids, and sick in bed with a ghastly flu-like illness including fever, have not been this physically ill in a very long time.
I left my home 3 weeks ago, happy, healthy, joyful, in control of my emotions and very positive, and excited about my burgeoning inner strength and voice. Now here I am sick, exhausted, completely confused about some things I saw at my DIL and son’s home, feeling like I was being triggered, invalidated, used, discounted, lots of negative feelings and emotions, walking on eggshells the whole time around my daughter in law, in short, feeling “dazed and confused.” I feel I lost all the ground I had gained before going to see them, meaning I lost my emerging self-confidence, and forgot how to practice mindfulness and EFT and ended up falling in to many old patterns of voicelessness, debasing myself, pleasing others at the expense of taking care of myself, and putting others first no matter what. It was a gradual but steady decline.
At least I was somewhat aware of what was happening while it was happening. I could tell I was losing ground daily. At least I was conscious and aware of some things that were going on. I guess I will take that as progress….
I am deeply disturbed about some observed behaviors with my DIL. I felt she was always trying to be “on” in my presence, like calm and collected around the kids but when I was upstairs ostensibly out of earshot, I often heard her yelling at the kids. I observed her treat my 4 year old granddaughter very harshly for what I considered to be minor issues, for example, it was troubling to see my DIL grab my granddaughters face, and jerk it forward, holding it immobile with strong fingers, and tell her things like “get that look off your face!” and some other very demeaning treatments, involving shutting down my GD, making her deny or suppress legitimate emotions.
I was very puzzled when I would offer simple choices to my granddaughter like, “What craft do you want to do?” or “What flavor yogurt would you like?” and various other simple daily choices and she would say, “I don’t know….” This happened very frequently, she seemed unable to make a simple choice about mundane things, like she was refusing or unable to express her own choices? She also told me a couple of times that she wanted to come home with me by hiding in my suitcase….” These things and more were deeply triggering to me, meaning they brought up memories of my Nmom. I observed my DIL in groups of people and her body posture and voice inflections were very histrionic and she seemed to always need to be the center of attention, and as soon as she got into that center, like some sort of weird inner light would come on, I don’t really know how to describe what I say, other than it seemed like she was putting people under her spell, so to speak. She always needed to have special foods and drinks that no one else were to have, etc. She told me some minor lies. I know this sounds like a typical “my DIL is a witch” kind of bashing, but truly it is not! I just kept getting very, very triggered around her and I am trying to figure out WHY!! I have had lots of red flags around her in the past but before learning about NPD and narcissistic traits. I just knew I felt we never were really communicating, just "going through the motions" or something.
I think since getting more info on NPD and learning about myself and my childhood from the standpoint of being raised by a Narcissistic parent, I am becoming much more aware of the behaviors and interactions of others. However, this thought has also crossed my mind, “Am I going to start diagnosing everyone I know with NPD, now that I am learning about it, am I projecting NPD onto everyone?”
I noticed my son had times when he simply withdrew from her and read or got on the computer and “tuned” out for hours. They had a nasty argument right in front of me about something which could have been really easy to work out rationally, and it was not at all what I would term a “fair fight.” I am wondering if my son is also most likely a workaholic; he loves his job, and is spending at least 12 hours a day away from home. He seems very weak and defenseless in her (DIL) presence, his demeanor often reminds me of my dad.
Having said all that, my main concern at the moment is what happened to ME? How did I lose all the new skills I had been practicing and totally revert into voicelessness and subservience? Is it possible to learn how to retain my personal space, dignity and boundaries around DIL without alienating her and losing access to my grandkids? I truly feel in my gut that COULD happen! Should I just do whatever it takes to make it work, knowing I am only going to be exposed to this a couple of times a year? I do NOT want to lose my beloved grandchildren, we need each other! I also love my DIL and son very much and don’t want to lose them, but I want healthy relationships to the maximum extent possible. Is that asking too much in this crazy world?
The triggering came completely out of the blue and nearly knocked me for a loop. I had actual physical reactions come over me. It was spooky! I told myself to just make it through one day at a time, keep things moving and survive, and I would try to find out what happened when I got back home. I knew I would need to do some work on this, but I do not want to “rock the boat” , as she seems to have most of the control in the family and my freedom to access my grandchildren is very dependent on my ability to “stay in line” so to speak. I realize I am actually afraid of her!
Oh, yeah, my DIL did something else that really, really bothers me. She would actually bash my son verbally to ME, venting all his bad qualities, complaining about his shortcomings. I responded by trying to be supportive and understanding, but I simply felt very bad about this and don’t feel I had the skills to handle it properly, so I just let her do it. I am going to have to make this stop, I cannot handle it, but I do not know how. I wonder if DIL is narcissistic? I thought about trying to secretly “test” her by deliberately criticizing something about her and seeing if she would react like an N, but decided against it as I thought that was rather cheap of me…. Thank God I took my laptop, so I could vent in my journal. I found something online mentioned about practicing putting up a “Wall of Niceness” which worked pretty well, it is from some book about dealing with Ns I think; I want to find out more about it….
Thanks for letting me rant and talk this out. If anyone has any feedback or ideas I would greatly appreciate it, I plan to stay in bed all day with the vaporizer going and try to get well from the “green nasties.” I will probably be online all day, too.
Hey, on a more positive note, my DH started reading “The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists” while I was away and we talked about a lot of what he has been learning. He says he is really finally starting to “get it,” like, why I could go NC with my Nmom for months, then I would call her (trying hard to be a loving and caring daughter) and try to have a “normal” conversation with her, and be emotionally wrecked for a week after the phone call. Or why she would always return, give away, or throw away gifts I gave her, unless it was money. Or why she has never helped us in any way but has tried to extort money from us, which she does not NEED! Lots of other things like that, so I feel so much better and so validated and supported by him, bless him!
Well, thanks for listening. I am just so happy to be back and I hope to continue my healing journey here and wish peace and healing to everyone else, too.
Violet
