Dear James,
I have had a few things help me in healing. One was trying to be as honest as I could ,on the board.Other people shared their pain with me and I did not feel so alone and isolated. You are already finding that,I think.
Another was a person who loved me EVEN when they 'saw" me, the core of me. That really helped me to heal shame.Love is a powerful healer in whatever form it takes. Pray for God to bring love in to your life and be open to it when it comes.
Now, I am trying to put all the pieces of myself in some order ,so I can navigate life in a comfortable way. I want to be true to myself and caring of others, at the same time.Finding this balance is very hard when you have been abused.
I had given up on life b/c I did not "know " the rules. Everything seemed hard and painful. I was not taught from the Life" rulebook". I was taught to 'serve" my N M. I kept repeating old patterns in my relationships, wanting approval, being afraid of anger, selling myself out.
One day,I just gave up b/c nothing worked to get out of these patterns and the feeling of numb and grey.
Now, I am trying to put myself in order. My first level is character
.This is my values and morals. I always had them ,but my NM ridiculed me , so I felt ashamed for wanting and having them.Then, there is the "harder" part--feelings and thoughts.My M shamed me for caring for myself,protecting myself and wanting my own power. So, I have to slowly take these back. I am afraid to do it . I feel afraid that I am "bad" for wanting these things. I try to do it ,little by little. I try to be true to myself little by little. . I try to keep practicing. I try to be myself , as much as I can in relationships, as a way to practice living from my own core. I AM making progress, but wish I was already "there"-----confident, secure, knowing who I am . I used to feel this way, a long time ago..
The last part(hardest) is not to feel I am "bad(shame).
My M buried me under mountains of shame..The shame is the hardest part. We made a decision that WE were bad and we have to go way down deep and reverse this decision.The truth of ourselves is the answer. We have to see what they put on us and what is really us.This is where I am ,now.I am slowly seeing parts of myself that I like.I can see that I have parts I don't like and I want to put them in 'order" also. I think you were asking about this. I am trying to look at ALL of me, and come to an acceptance of ALL of it. Then ,I can chose how I want to act, although I will slip up, too. I do feel that I can love myself, a little more.I think the ultimate answer is that we are human ,not bad. We are the same as others. We were just made to FEEL bad and different. I am moving toward this truth , which I "knew' when I was younger and healthier.
I am moving on toward the time when I will be "up from underwater(facing life and myself ,as they are, not with all the distortions). That is mental health,IMO, when you can see yourself as you are ,good AND bad and see life as it is.
Love Ami
