Narcissistic Parent Thoughts

[les]

Hi OnlyMe

Just thinking about your name. Flower changed hers - flower with metal petals I believe.

So I'm thinking that one day you might be: Only...ME!  or only,ME! or even just ME. Feel your edges, your skin, yourSELF.

Les (hmm I could use a name change)

[OnlyMe]

I'm not spare parts for my nmother -
that is Huge!!!  You are brilliant, Les.  What a great sentence!

I didn't realize how much I needed to be a part of the group until now.  When I feel weak at my broken places, you and the others seem to know just the thing to say.  And, the most important part is the support from others who understand the roller-coaster ride, and how important it is for us to stand up for ourselves.  I seem to back-slide into  my old ways of thinking when left to my own devices for very long, but this board reminds me that I have a life to live, and that my life has value just because it is mine and mine alone.
I often don't write anything here, because sometimes my burdens seem trivial, but, yet, they are all symptoms of the greater abuse, and the struggle to accept that I have a right to have my voice.
Thank you so much, for I'm stronger, today, and that is wonderful.


... and your name change ideas are good ones - 'flower with metal petals' had quite a powerful impact on me at the time.

[Anonymous]

Hello OnlyMe, Les & all,

One of my parents is sucking up all the sympathy they can in the name of old age, but oh I forgot, they're not old.  

So I relate (in anticipation) to some of the stories told here on this thread.  ouch.  

I have a new analogy I wanted to share that came to me while thinking of our aging Nparents.  Are any of you familiar with the carnival game called, I think, Whack-a-Mole?  You take a hammer and bop the mole that comes out of one of maybe four or five different holes.  The mole pops up and WHACK! you gotta smack it back down.  But what happens if the mole gets "stuck" and stays up?  The machine must be broken!  So Nparent keeps trying to hit us moles back down into the holes.  Oh man, N is gonna lose the game if N can't hit the mole back down!  

I think that's what happens when we stand up to our Ns.  
Whack-a-mole!  Makes my head hurt.  Best thing is to find a different game... Seeker

[les]

Exactly Seeker...just don't play the game. Don't engage.  I'm on my way for my  weekly visit to my mother tomorrow and there are some issues brewing. Big ugly ones.  I've been practising tonight -well, if she's says this, I'll duck it this way or that way.  Duck! - that's right!

Haven't heard of that particular game -poor mole! but I can tell you my head hurts! Even at 91 for Nm it's all about demonstrating superiority in everything. Out smarting, outmanouvering - thing is I don't want to play, never asked to play but she keeps setting me up. I feel like I'm her straight man - good to play off against.  I asked her awhile back why she feels she has to put me down all the time. I'm so flat, barely alive, barely verbal with her-what's to compete with? What's to whack!? Sheesh.

Les

[OnlyMe]

Les, take the strength of all of us with you when you visit your Nmom.  It helped me the last time I had to pay my penance!
I think these old girls have to put us down, because then they are always superior, in their sick eyes.  I have noticed from some comments that nm has made lately, that she was jealous of the time I would spend with my dad, and she clearly was and still is competitive, even though I am not.  They always have to be The Best, even if it is their own daughter who they are fighting.  Heaven help us if we even begin to shine nearly as bright in any way, shape or form.  What sick little minds they have.  But, it is about Control, as well.  If they make us feel small, put us in our place by their cutting words or worse, by not acknowledging us at all, then they are still The Queen, and that is all that matters to them.  We are food for their sickness.  They feed on us, suck our energy, suck out our very life force.  They are energy vampires.  Geeeze, I'm getting on a bit of a rant, here, aren't I?  I'm trying to support you as you prepare for your Penance, and I get so angry that we have to go through this pain at all.  I think that we are trying so hard to do the right thing, but, dang, it is hard to keep it up all these years.  We deserve some peace, and we deserve to be able to follow our own spirit for a change - why does that seem like such a dream?

I'm not going for three days, only two, so I'll be here when you get back from your visit, if you need to vent, or worse, if she hits you with something from left field, as always seems to happen to me.  Thanks to you, I'm not heading out until early Sat am!  Broke the news to her last night, and felt like quite the rebel.  And I played the 'fibromyalgia' and 'fear of cancer coming back if my immune systems gets low' cards....  couldn't have done it without you!
So, please know that we are all in this together, and take some strength with you, as will I.  
(and remember those wise words : I don't give a flying f!)  

Update:
Les, Seeker, et al -
it is morning, and nm just phoned to make sure I am all right, she is  worried about my health, now, and blah blah blah.   The worst part is that she sounded caring, but then I realized that is impossible, that she is 'playing' the caring mother (already told her friend about my ill health, etc.. got sympathy, stroking, nfood), so I didn't say much, but reassured her that I would be coming to see her, nonetheless.   Oh this rollercoaster ride.  My eyes puddled once again, for the mother I will never have  - the grieving just goes on and on, even though the nparent is still alive.

* and tigerlily,
I think of you often, for your pain will end now, with the passing of your nmother.  I hope it brings you some comfort knowing you are off the rollercoaster ride and free to be 'you'.

[les]

She's a rebel and she'll never be any good- NOT!  Thanks for the rebellious words O.M.  I think I've got it all sorted out and then it feels like I'm starting all over.  The other day my mother explained to me for the 100th time that she is only now going through menopause ( not really, she's just come off HRT after 40 years) She said, "That must really rot your socks!" I've been through menopause but why she would think that it would rot my socks that she is getting night sweats... well, I see what she is driving at - that it must be difficult to have such a young vibrant mother who looks like your sister.  Anyway the competition thing is something else.

Yes, don't shine too brightly. Talk about a target.  Low profile. Then of course you get slagged for being flat and limp and dumpy. Can't win.

I am so glad you are only going for 2 days!  Can you leave late and return early!!! I understand about them playing the part of the caring mother. Makes me grind my teeth. I think it is vital that you do (ok me too) everything possible to love and protect yourself. Whatever it takes. The thing is you would never actually be dishonest re: your health. You ARE just stating the truth. You DO need to take very good care of yourself., every day, every day.

Visit with nm put off until tomorrow - a quick run through the grocery store with her and then on my way to Ottawa this weekend.

You know what OM. I don't give a flying F! THanks for reminding me!

Les

[les]

...but let me be clear OnlyMe- say anything, do anything to get your life back. It's all good and all fair.  When I said that you weren't being dishonest  in the previous e-mail I only meant to convey that I believe it's not possible to overemphasize the time you need to clear her out, to blow up the pipeline she has into your soul and begin to mend. Ah we need to rant for sure. Ok I'll stop obsessing now!

Les

[OnlyMe]

Hi Les,
Our paths are so similar.  And, I'm off the 222's today - feeling better since I shortened my trip by one day!  THNX! I am working on getting my life and health back, again.  I must never forget how important that is, thanks for the reminders.
Your old doll is having hot flashes - what a hoot!!  Mine barely has a wrinkle, thinks she is beautiful, and thinks that make-up and jewelry will disguise her age - 85!  This weekend, I intend to mirror back her expressions as best I can, put on my happy face, as best I can, and try to get out of there relatively unscathed.  I hope you can do the same.   These old NM's don't know how lucky they are to have us!  How dare they compete with us? How dare they not treat us with respect?! How dare they not love us to bits, just because we are always there for them?!  The old bats!!! I feel another rant coming on - and the only good thing about that is that I'm getting my spunk back!
Safe trip to your NM's, and safe trip 'up the line' to The Valley, eh?!

[RecoveringMe]

http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/AdultsRecoveringFrom-NarcissiticParents/

[OnlyMe]

Just spent a couple of days with my old NM, and for the first time I observed her behaviour from a different perspective.  I had read that N's frequently  behave as though they were six years of age, and that we should sometimes think of them that way.  And I clearly saw that some of her reactions to situations were exactly like those of a six year old.  It was amazing to witness.  And, the most therapeutic part is that when she displayed behavior much like a six year old, I reacted to her as though she were a child, and therefore her attempt at creating the usual drama did not succeed.  As a result, we did not dance our usual dance!   I usually suffer for days after having been with her,  but this time, my eyes are dry.  I sat out some of The Dance steps, this time.  
Thank you, Les and everyone - I am learning so much from you all.

[Anonymous]

Hello OnlyMe,

Hugs to you!!

It's a great feeling when we realize that we can have some control in our interactions with N, even if only inside.  You have made so much progress in limiting your exposure, and sitting out the dance.  Way to go!

Give yourself a big reward and do something nice for yourself.

  Seeker

[les]

Oh what a thrill to read that!  Real progress can be made! Terrific OnlyMe.

I've never heard it put quite that way -about N's being like 6 year olds. My mother is almost always very childish.
 
I keep learning as well. And as I GET it I try to stand back and not engage. Such a study in N she is.  Here's a taster's sample from my visit. { I walk in her apt. and observe that her furniture is covered with sheets. I know that she is having some painting and plastering done so I say, "So I see that they are still at it."  Nm says, " Well, I wouldn't say that, the plasterers are gone and I have no idea when the painters are coming."  Is it just me?  Am I so inaccurate. Everything I say has to be adjusted and corrected.

Later on we went shopping. We get food together and so to be able to tell her bags from mine we tie a knot or "bunny ears" as my mother likes to say, in one set.  As I was loading the bags in the trunk, mother (God help me if I ever call her "mom") asked whose bags had the bunny ears. I told her mine did.  She seemed a little ticked and asked again about the bunny ears. I told her again that my order had the bunny ears (I can't believe I'm writing this!) but next time she could have them (said with some humour I thought).  Her shtick is to be cute -small, flirtatious, cute. I mentioned the "cute" factor and that her bags could be the cute ones next time since she is cute. She got rather huffy about this cute stuff, denied that this was her at all but then a bit later she went on for a good 20 minutes about how everyone thinks she is so cute and always wants to take care of her and so forth. This has ALWAYS been her thing -cute, in a coy, batting of eyelashes, wide- eyed, startled looking, kind of way, that is when she isn't being "THE GENERAL" as she is called in the family. There seem to be a number of distinct people in there.  Ah me. My cute 6 year old mother. It works alright.

Les

[Now We Are Six]

Great Article:

"Now We Are Six"

http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/six.html

[Anonymous]

My Dad is still in his terrible twos...want to make the decision but can't make the decision, wants "mommy' to make the decision, but doesn't want her to have control...uh oh, there go the lips, the eyes....here comes a tantrum!!    Favorite word is No.

Seeker

[les]

My gosh.  Just read the "Now we are six" post.  Thanks very much Guest  for that and thanks OnlyMe for bringing it up.  Don't know how I missed such an important aspect of all this.  But there she is, my Nm, down to the last detail.  So could you say that Narcissism is really just a case of arrested development?  I've been thinking of it as some deficiency - something missing -a hole in the brain or the soul. Somehow it is easier to think of my mother as simply stuck at six. Awhile ago we had a family gathering - there was an actual 6 year old at it. My mother kept muttering to my then 14 year old daughter that this child was a "little bitch." We all understood that the child was stealing the attention from my mother -she saw her as a real threat, direct competition.  

Seeker - just thinking about your 2 year old dad - hope you can stay clear of those temper tantrums.

Les