Dealing with Sociopaths

[debkor]

Hey Changing,

Well ya, I had lots of trauma when I learned and my Ex was revealed.  I don't know if I felt betrayal though.  Maybe in the beginning I did when I had no clue. After that I just felt, Icky, like I could not get enough showers like I wanted a shot of Novocaine to my brain that I had even encountered a person like that.  I watched those stories on lifetime.  Those are people I never met just heard about... and here I was Dealing with a Sociopath, Psychopath, whatever he was and that is a feeling that I probably cannot really describe and yes anyone can become Victim to them.  There were so so many with my Ex and pretty much everyone.. until it got worse and bigger and more and darker and finally stopped at least in society for awhile..  but not all of them go to Jail or do the extent of what my ex did.  Now that is scary.  And he's out and probably more carefull then ever...with his seceret life.   And although I forget about it sometimes I do always have somewhat of a guard up and never forget how nuts he is and wonder if he will ever try to contact my children.  The only thing I could do and have done was to educate them.. on the illness.. disorder whatever he has and not make them hate him but be aware of him and danger that he is very sick and it is ok to stay detached, if that is ever to happen. 

Dealing with these kinds of people?  You don't.  You can't. You can only become victim unless you are a trained professional and I don't think there is much they can do either.  Just my opinion. 

Love
Deb

[changing]

Dear Debkor-

You are a formidable woman- what you have done is almost impossible to fathom, and your dedication to the best interests of your children , despite all of the pressures and losses, is commendable. There should be some sort of national honor, like the Purple Heart, for those citizens who have dealt with such dire situations and prevailed, for you have done all of us a service- as you say, anyone could be victimized. I hope that you have been nurtured and cared for and feel vindicated in the life that you have established today, and appreciate your sharing of actual first-hand experience and wisdom.

Love To You And Your Family,

Changing

[Certain Hope]

Crucial Rule:

Do not join the game.
Intrigue is a sociopath's tool.
Resist the temptation to compete with a seductive sociopath, to outsmart him, psychoanalyze, or even banter with him.
In addition to reducing yourself to his level, you would be distracting yourself from what is really important, which is to protect yourself.



Deb, I am so sorry. I had no idea. Thank God y'all came through this as you have.
Needing to educate our children about being wary of their own biological father... I understand - and it stinks.
Are your kids grown now?

Love,
Carolyn

[debkor]

Hi Carolyn,

Yes they are 21 and 23 now. They grew up just fine and with total acceptance and non hatred of their dad shame or blame for what he did or was/became. I never made a big deal out of it.  I was pretty honest and they knew he was a sick man.  I also told them that the no contact was my decision and I was the one who would not let them talk to him or write anything that he did try to contact them when they were little.  He would write I would read it.  They couldn't read then and when I saw that he was trying to manipulate them through letters I stopped it totally.  He spoke to them about self pity and things that children should have no concern of.  I was totally  honest and told them I did what I had to with their best interest in mind and if I was wrong then I was to blame not him.  He did try. Eventually he just gave up since there was no response. I told them they could see him when they were old enough.  They are detached and I can't say with love because they don't know him, with respect, maybe. They understand he is their father, mentally Ill, and that is about it.  He loved them as much as he could love anyone and that was maybe not at all or very little.

I also forfeited child support and never went after him when he was out.  I left sleeping dogs lie and in my case it was much better for then I'm sure he would have counter acted with visitation.  So this is where it was a win win.. 

So that is how I dealt with one when I knew what I was dealing with and then not really... I didn't...

My experience was over 24 years ago.  It was fast happening and fast ending.  It's just a story now.  It has no impact on me any more and it never had an impact on my children.  I never spoke poorly about him to them just that he was very sick.  Because he was. 

I was just fortunate that he never sought to see them.  And now they can handle their own they are grown.  shew, made it through.  They are curious at times but have no desire to seek him out at this time.  I think they are afraid of what might show up or not. 

Love
Deb   

[Certain Hope]

(((((((Deb))))))) I think now that I do remember part of this from before, but I'd forgotten. If so, I apologize.

It was similar with us, in that I had full physical and legal custody since the 3 children who are his were 12, 8, and 3.
He was allowed no contact with them except for letters/cards, but kept trying to push the limits... and he did the same thing with the self-pity routine, so I also stopped reading them or allowing them to know.
Now they're 21, 17, and 12... and I feel the same... whew, made it through! (almost)
Not anticipating any more issues with that, though. The legal system put him into his place.

There's still some remnant of ugh for me... but only when I get morbid and do something stupid like look for his photo online (which I've promised myself not to do again.)

Thanks for sharing... and I am so glad for you that it doesn't impact you and your children now.

Love,
Carolyn

[debkor]

Carolyn,

Well we did it.  We made it.  And now you are almost home free.. I have no doubt it will end with ease no more issues. 

Thanks for sharing with me also.  And it's good to know the legal system put your ex in his place.  This is good read for someone that may be just taking that step. 

And I was looking up a site and low and behold there was my ex (younger years) and your Ugh is my Ewww!

Love
Deb

[debkor]

I was looking up things on sociopaths and look what I found.  This was a response to what they said about the disorder.

I'm a sociopath. I am being completely honest when I say this. I'll agree that yes, I lie often and I do "charm" with a fake facade perhaps for selfish reasons. Yet I do not like the fact that most articles portray a person with this "condition" like they do. I don't drain people's bank accounts or abuse them. Yes I feel a utter lack of empathy for people, but it does not insure that just because I could not care less that I'll harm them. You put negative connotations about a problem that I can but help but have. I live my life the way I want to and that doesn't involve doing stupid things that could ruin my lifestyle. 

I want to say are they for real and then have to think they most probably are:

I lie often and do charm with a fake facade for selfish reasons but I don't drain bank accounts(didn't say take anything) or abuse them (abuse what the money, the people, what?}but could care less about people but won't harm them just lie and charm eh? No harm done.  I live my life the way I want and it doesn't involve Stupid things that could ruin my life style.. Say what?

INTERPERTER!!

And what is this supposed to mean.

You put negative connotations about a problem that I can but help but have

Love
Deb

[lighter]

Deb... is your story somewhere on the board?

Lighter

[debkor]

Hey Light,

Yeah it's here somewhere.  I think it was on a thread that Sea had asked, memory failing me on exact, asking lurkers to come forward or something like that and post thier stories. I don't really remember the exact title.

Love
Deb

[Certain Hope]

Deb, I hope that neither one of us ever runs across them again. I sure won't go looking!  It was a sort of morbid curiousity that got the better of me, but took a few long days to recover from the repercussions, so I learned my lesson.

Yes, we made it! And I do feel free... okay, mostly so.
Used to beat myself up for taking so long to feel absolutely purged of it... but I've finally come to accept that it'll take however long it takes and I can still be okay with that.

Those quotes are very revealing... and chilling.
That one line -

You put negative connotations about a problem that I can but help but have

could be a direct quote from NPD-ex, only he'd conclude it with

.... and if you would only offer me a little more carrot than stick...

Yeah, I suspect he was alot more than just N (as if that's not enough).

Oh, and the more I think on it, I'm pretty sure that we did talk before about this, at least briefly...
but I'm so glad it came up again now. Thanks again, Deb.  Take good care!

Love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

Right now I'm facinated with reading other INFP's journeys..... but yours is next on my list and I'll find it.


Maybe Izzy will help... she good at looking things up.

Did your quick NC with ex come bc of his incarceration?

Lighter

[debkor]

Light,

Yes it was light.  It was so much easier to work through things when he was not able to be around.  I mean it was different when the NC was set and not of my choice at the time.  Even if I had done the NC I think it would have been and up and down for a lot longer then it was.   It almost became a Quest for me to get to the bottom of things. The Gaslighting made me crazy.   Make sure I was right on wth my thinking.  Oh hell, I was so way off, with it.  I thought in the begining maybe he had a G/F or G/F's and that was his seceret life.  I won't rule that out that it was not part of it.  Oh and it took a long time to Hit Home of how nuts he was how criminal he was. I stll couldn't wrap my mind around someone is just that Sick that evil and I'm Smack Dab right in the  middle of Nutsville. And he had phone calls to me but the distance helped me put that to rest too. 

Took awhile Light even with no contact. To be real..once I stopped all contact, phone, cards, letters... it was all real..and scary..and I felt slimed.

Love
Deb

[lighter]

Deb... your post dropped my stomach, made it burn and reminded me of how hard it is to 'remain real.'

When we have other people dismissing our perceptions and the things we've already figure out.... making us doubt them over and over.... it's almost impossible to move through it and beyond.

NC is absolutely necessary to settle our knowledge and accept it, internalize it.

I know that doesn't maken a lot of sense but I wanted to share that.

As far as NC with the innoncent people, who make us doubt bc they don't understand.... NC with their opinions?

How does that work?

Lighter

[Izzy_*now*]

hi Deb and lighter,

I see you have found a common ground. Keep talking!

Deb: Do you have any idea when you posted your story. I read this post earlier and began a search of your posts (very good posts) but for your story-- do you have a date range? or would there be a word, just one word or phrase, that no one else would use that can be put into Search?

odd, like piano, quadrilateral, Antarctica, Paul Newman, bungie jumping?

I'm trying.............

Love
IZzy

[lighter]

Oh... thanks for doing that Izzy: )

Lighter