Been feeling lousy

[Certain Hope]

Juno,

Is part of it maybe due to hormonal changes, etc?  Please don't be afraid to try another sort of treatment. There are so many changes and new advancements made all the time...  sure seems worth a try.

Alot of what you describe can hit me suddenly from time to time, but it doesn't usually settle in for long.
Maybe a new medication would help shorten the episodes or kick-start you out of the rut?
Yikes, that doesn't sound too pleasant, sorry... but you know what I mean.
Hope you get some rest.

Love,
Carolyn

[Juno]

I have often wondered if it could be partly hormonal.  I have had depression off and on since I was eleven.  I distinctly remember a particular day at that age when I felt a way I had never felt before.  It was a sense of foreboding, I guess.  It was a very cold feeling.  I am very effected by external events and most of my external "events" are very negative these last fifteen years.  I'm just tired of it.  Of everything.

A couple weeks ago, we invited my favorite cousin and her husband over for takeout BBQ.  We spent the entire afternoon visiting and enjoying each other's company.  I felt so good the next day (even though I was at work!).  I'm sure it was because of the nice social activity.  They said, boy, we haven't been to your house in two years!  I know that is not true.  They've been over a couple other times this year.  But we hadn't invited them in a very, very long time.  The things we need to do.... we don't feel like doing.  This depression is a vicious cycle. 

Yesterday, we had our youngest son and his girlfriend over and also my oldest son called to chat.  It was for my birthday.  We had a good time together.  Maybe these are some tentative first steps towards normalcy again.  I guess I can decide they are and try taking more steps.

This depression gets triggered very easily as time goes on.  The first bad one started one autumn after about two and half years with my N boss.  This was simultaneous with my father's health deteriorating so quickly that my responsibilities to him greatly increased.  Kids still in high school then too.  Less and less time for fun get-togethers.  Then other hard things came along.  All of which I responded to with typical voiceless behaviors and coping "skills".  I was 33 when it started.  I wondered then if it was hormonal or seasonal or whatever.  But I am not in menopause now at age 47, so really, the thing that makes sense is that I have this depressive tendency, along with voicelessness and external stresses.  I'm not really sure though since I'm muddling along with my own homemade plan.

I have work to do.  Drugs, counseling, and doing the things I hesitate to do--you know, getting out there more in the world.  I gotta go slow, though.

Carolyn, I wish I could send you some flowers--thank you for sticking with me.  I know I'm moving so slowly, but I am absorbing what everyone is offering.  It really is helping.

[Certain Hope]

((((((((((())))))))))))) Wish I could do more for you... but I will do this, and listen, dear Penny.

I can relate to alot of it, very much.

The things we need to do.... we don't feel like doing. 

Completely understood.
It's why I've been so dependent on routine and tend to become habitual about certain activities.
At times, it's felt like that was all that was keeping me going... and not a forward motion, but circular.

Birthday blessings to you. I'm at the same life stage and it doesn't have to be menopause directly in order to feel like a boom's been lowered.
Really, I feel it, too... and muddling along is the best I can manage at times.

Maybe these are some tentative first steps towards normalcy again.  I guess I can decide they are and try taking more steps.

I think that's the key.
Decide.
I'm with you all the way.

Love,
Carolyn

[Hopalong]

Juno, I am very sorry.
I know what it's like to feel that shroud.

You are worth happiness.

(If one Rx doesn't do it, another often will. Takes some patience and maybe a couple trials.)

love to you,
Hops

[teartracks]

Hi Pennyplant,

But I am not in menopause now at age 47, so really, the thing that makes sense is that I have this depressive tendency, along with voicelessness and external stresses.  I'm not really sure though since I'm muddling along with my own homemade plan.


Menopause in the beginning stages can be a stealthy little booger.  For instance, when mine started, the first symptom was that my tear ducts ached and the pain extended up the outer side of my eyes and to  just beneath my eyebrows.  I saw the eye doctor.  Diagnosis, dry eyes.  I was about your age.  The next symptom was panic attacks.  The moment I opened my eyes at waking, the panic started.  Never had that ever before.  True I was under the stress of self-contracting the building of a new home, but nothing else unusual going on,  The next symptom was two very odd outbursts that I didn't understand.  They were so off the wall.  I am usually a pretty level headed person.   None of this had menopause written on it, but looking back, I think it was the early stages of menopause.  I'm not trying to argue you down that your symptoms are menopause.  The main thought I want to communicate is that the early stages of M can be easily overlooked by you and your doctors.   Had I known what I think I know now,  when those early signs began, it would have freed my mind to some estent, knowing that there was a reason I was experiencing these odd symptoms.   

PP, sorry you're having a tough go.  I'm not diagnosing, but I want to make a suggestion.  Pamper yourself.  Make a list of the things you've always enjoyed doing but aren't doing now and rekindle those passions.  Don't neglect doing girlie things for yourself.  Talk to your doctor(s).  Don't allow them to dismiss your symptoms.  I'm sounding like grandma aren't I.  Ok, I'll play grandma to you today.  Sending you my best...

tt 

[Certain Hope]

(((((((((Tt))))))))))   thanks for detailing that a bit.... oh boy, do I recognize those signs.

Penny... what she said!  It comes and goes, though, and as unsettling as it can be, just knowing that it'll pass helps so much.

Not diagnosing either, only aware that this could be part of what's happening with you.... and compounding the rest of the stuff.

And highly recommending the pampering approach!

Love,
Carolyn

[debkor]

PP,

Meno here too.  When I use to read a board of women who were pre meno I seen many similar things we speak on here, Minus, N, P or NP... and it changes ... and wondreing where you want your life to go, are you happy. I cry on commercials sometimes and then stick my head in the frig.. whoa, Hot Flash....

Love
Deb

[Juno]

Well, I was thinking that since this has been off and on for about ten or twelve years now--that seems like a very long pre-menopause.  But I think there is a consensus here with your comments.... and I'm not opposed to it being physical or hormonal.... just kind of want it to be something I can actually fix, you know?  I do see physical signs of aging in me, it's not like time has stood still in my body.  It's just been such a long time to feel this way.  When I was young, I thought I would be a-okay at this stage of the game.  Instead I feel worse than I did when I was a teen.  So frustrating.

It's hard to know how to pamper myself or take good care of myself.  I have been working on that, though, and improving.

This is all very overwhelming.  All the things that I could be doing to heal.  All the parts of me that need healing.  Navigating real life in the midst of all of it.  Tough times out there in the real world.  Very overwhelming.

tt--you're a good gramma.  All the rest of you--good sisters.  Thank you.

Things I used to enjoy:  reading, writing, cross-stitch, crochet, sewing, gardening, and there are more.  My favorite thing now is....sleeping.  Oh boy, I have a ways to go.  I'm not a lump all the time.  But I sure have changed.  I would like to have things to look forward to again.  It's been so long.

I'm stopping for tonight.  Ladies, thank you for talking about this with me.  It helps.  I'll keep thinking about what you all have said here.

[Izzy_*now*]

PP
I sympathize, but have never been there.

I had some 'changes' when I was 35.......and you wouldn't believe what doctors will blame on my accident condition. He said my menopause had begun.

When I was in my late 40s I had a D&C and I was 58 when I had my last period.

It went so smoothly I never knew. I don't mean to make you feel badly..........worse than you do, but mine was all in thinking I would have a period forever.....and just ignored things as they happened.

Just as I don't think I'll die, as I'm still alive and don't know what it is like to die (well I did have an spiritual experience at the accident scene) so I cannot picture dying.

These are the changes we endure during our life span and some handle them worse than others/are affected worse than others.

I better read again as I was going to say that your doctor ought to be able to do something. ANYTHING!

You caught my attention with sleep. I love sleeping, except I am not awake to enjoy it!

Best
Izzy

[Certain Hope]

Dear PP,

Maybe a booster of B-12?  Oh, it's so hard - not having a definitive solution to offer.

One thing at a time is all I know to try... and I began with just a good quality multi-vitamin and extra B12 tablet.  It really helped!

Oh, and the pampering kinda stuff I began was nothing too fancy at all really... just some lavender bath bubbles & a candle for atmosphere, some quality lotion (dry skin was making me feel all-around  ), a small bottle of expensive hair conditioner, and a new book.  Oh, and I bought one of those fingernail buffing pads with 3 sides, for 3-step polishing that lasts.  lol... I know, but this was quite something for a person like me who hadn't paid any attention at all to such stuff and never considered I was worth the added expense of a few luxuries.

When I was young, I thought I would be a-okay at this stage of the game.  Instead I feel worse than I did when I was a teen.  So frustrating.

Yes. I recognize this.... and pp, nothing I've found is better than surrounding yourself with people who will keep assuring you that you really are a-okay.
Your mind has not yet awakened to that fact, but I see it and I am sure that others do, too!  It's just so very hard to be needy and vulnerable in front of the very people who can let you lean a bit, till you feel stronger.  I pray, I lean on God, I know that He loves me... but He keeps saying - you need people, too!
I've tried to fight that as much as anything in my life, but it's an undeniable fact.  And I don't mean "need" in an un-healthy way... just that we are each made for relationship, imo, and when we don't make ourselves available for that, despite the risks, we suffer for it.

Hope that makes sense and doesn't feel overwhelming to you. I know it's hard stuff.

Love,
Carolyn

[Juno]

My doctor could do something--anything--if I went to the doctor and actually asked for help.  I don't go very often and when I do I don't complain too much.  I think I give up too easy. 

I did call the Employee Assistance Program this morning.  And they gave me the name of a counselor in the next county who accepts this program.  I left a voice message with her office and hopefully they'll call back this morning.  I guess I'm just worn out enough to stop fighting it now.  One of the things I was worried about was that I would be referred to a counselor in my town and then I would run into them at work when they came in to buy stamps or something.  So, that is one worry off my list.  This counselor is 35 minutes away from where I live so I doubt she will buy any stamps from me anytime soon.

Pampering--I always take a hot bath with aroma therapy foaming salts.  It is my ritual that I follow consistently.  But there are days when going to bed and sleeping is more appealing to me than my wonderful baths.  If I could get on top of this depression, then the good things would make more of a difference, I think.  And I might want to do more good things.

I have never paid much attention to taking care of myself.  I have vanity and pride but not a lot of self-worth.  So, I usually look presentable.  But stuff for me.... gets put aside often enough.  I know people who buy themselves jewelry all the time, go to tanning booths all the time, get manicures, massages, take lessons, all kinds of pampering stuff.  I do next to none of those things.  For all kinds of reasons.

Surrounding myself with people who let me know I'm a-okay..... my husband can do that for me a lot.  Sometimes too much.  But I don't ask that much of people for the most part.  I have a couple people who I know love me.  But I just don't know what to do with that.  And I don't ask.  I always knew I couldn't ask my parents or sister for that.  That was what I was supposed to do for them.  So, I just never asked it of anyone.  Or if I did, I was rejected.  And the few times I received it, then those people left me for whatever reason.

It's just built up too much now.  I hope this EAP thing works out.  The counselor's last name is Pond.  That sounded so calming when I heard it.  It would be nice if she takes after her name.

[Certain Hope]

My doctor could do something--anything--if I went to the doctor and actually asked for help.  I don't go very often and when I do I don't complain too much.  I think I give up too easy. 

Me too, either. There was more to it than feeling unworthy, too. I was self-destructive at the core, actively engaging in my own demise.
Perfectionism and a sense of heavy responsibility for every outcome in my little corner of the universe worked together to leave me feeling worthy, alright... worthy of suffering.

Contacting the counselor through EAP is a great, big start.... you did good!  I hope they call back right away and I hope you'll let us know.

Getting worn out enough to stop fighting... yourself... is where it all begins. You've got plenty of fight in you, just need to direct it elsewhere.

Love,
Carolyn

[Juno]

Well, she didn't call back today.  I guess I'll have to call again on Monday.  I have three business days to report back to EAP about when my first appointment is scheduled or ask for an extension.  It's not going to be instant success.  More steps to take.  I guess just keep going forward until it either works out or doesn't work out.  I'm kind of annoyed but not defeated.

[Certain Hope]

Sounds like a very annoying process... but trying to get something accomplished on Friday often is.

Hang in there... it'll come together.

You're taking a good, solid step in the right direction and that's a great encouragement!

(((((((not defeated)))))) : )

Love,
Carolyn

[lighter]

Juno:

Glad you made the T call.... in any case.

Do call back tomorrow and get that appt, when you can.

As for skipping your self care bath ritual.... try to stick with it.

One good feeling leads to another, IME.

Hope you get out of this depression soon.

Lighter