Been feeling lousy

[Juno]

I am Juno who used to post as Pennyplant.

My depression has been with me about 85% of the time for many, many weeks now.  I recognize how it may screw up some of my perceptions.  It doesn't mess with my ability to understand.  Just throws my emotions and priorities out of whack.  Triggers my self-hatred more often and more deeply.  But I can still think and understand and see things that really are there even if nobody else sees or agrees with me on the importance of what I'm seeing.  I'm talking about behaviors of others, etc.

I did a lot of work recently on my Pennyplant's Turning Points thread.  Then I took it down last week after printing it all out for myself.  I had a lot of very personal things on there.  I thought maybe it was time to call back those pieces of my soul.  So to speak.  I guess I'm at the point where I recognize how much of myself, the soft parts of myself, that I give away too freely only to have less concerned people use it as a way in, a way to hurt me.  That's a really hard concept for me but I think I'm getting it little by little.  When I give away my power, someone else is going to be empowered.  Something like that.

My skills at connecting with the world at large are very elementary at this point in my life.  Partly due to the above-mentioned depression.  Partly due to never having been taught a damn thing about give and take in relationships and groups.

So, even though what I've been reading on here for weeks now has sickened me, and I have silenced myself (as usual, as a result) still, I check in for some reason.  Curiosity?  Weakness?  Loneliness?  I have no idea.  Certainly this board is not currently helping me with the huge hurdles I face every day at my terrible job.  I'm drawing on past lessons from this place for that.

I'm at a point this week, and last week, where I read the posts and I think--I am not connecting with very many of these posters.  People are getting pats on the back for posting things that appall me.  People are getting bullied who I feel are being taken advantage of in their current weakness.  People are talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking.

For me--I want very much to have my dignity.  I have brought that up before.  That is one of the reasons I have silenced myself.  I am bound to say something that somebody will jump on me for.  Sometimes I think that's the only reason I exist.  So others can feel superior in some way.  More powerful.  I sure draw all kinds of negative attention to myself just for breathing.  Or for being a redhead.  For being small.  For having opinions.  For existing.

There are people here I like.  At least from what I know about them.  There are people here I cannot make myself get along with.  Mostly, though, I just don't connect.

I see a lot of what I consider to be power plays here.  I am not interested in that kind of thing.  Which is probably what makes me into a target.  It makes me a minority for sure. 

I honestly don't think I will live long enough, even if I live to be 100, to learn the ins and outs of getting along and connecting with more than a few others at a time.  I am going to have to learn to be okay with that.

I'm not sure what I want to accomplish with this post.  Maybe I just want to practice my "policy" of non-aggressive honesty.  That's harder than it sounds.  I don't always succeed.  And it seems to me that my aspiring to be a non-aggressive person is what is delaying my ability to connect with others. 

I mean, look at all the bonding that is occurring here due to what I would call aggression!!!  Posters start out hurling insults and end up praising and loving each other.  That's what it looks like to an outsider like me, anyway.  That's how it is at my job, too!!!   Just wears me out.  I think life is hard enough all on it's own.

If anything here resonates, fine.  Respond away.  But I have no real intention or goal with this post.  Maybe I just decided to remove my own tape from my own mouth.  That sounds like something I would do.

[Certain Hope]

((((((((PP)))))))))  You do have great dignity, in my eyes.

I've felt as you've described, but not so much or often anymore.

Not totally sure why, except I just wouldn't give up.

Please don't stop trying and reaching out. You are very precious indeed.

Love,
Carolyn

[Lupita]

Hey Juno, I totally relate with you. This is the kind of posts we need. People addressing their real problems. I do not what to tell you, but I realte with you. I have not been depressed lately despite that I do not have a job and I am very stressed. But I used to be very depressed before.

Detachmetn, work on detachment has helped me a lot, do you think you can do that? Also, taking anti-depressants. Are you seeing a doctor?

I wish I could take medication, but I do not have insurance right now, so I cannot even go to the doctor.

Do you still have energy to do your daily activities? That is very important.

Can you enter a daily mood log? If you do not have one I can give you one.

My heart goes out to you.

[lighter]

I think that you probably, on top of the depression, are more comfortable communicating with one or 2 people at a time.

That's pretty much me, too.

A crowd drains me and I have to hybernate for a while.

Depression makes it almost impossible to keep moving forward.

That we survive it can provide some self esteem but....

you have to get through the depression.

Have you talked with a T?

I'm glad you came to the board and talked about your feelings, no matter who you think is right or wrong.

Please keep talking and working on you.

Lighter

[CB123]

I honestly don't think I will live long enough, even if I live to be 100, to learn the ins and outs of getting along and connecting with more than a few others at a time.  I am going to have to learn to be okay with that

Penny,

I think that you will.  The skills will come in little pieces and mostly by interacting with people and feeling really uncomfortable.  I ALWAYS feel uncomfortable.  Always.

I happened across a book about marriage relationships that gave me some unexpected insight into a phenomenon called "flooding".  That's where the triggers around the person push them into a zone where they feel overwhelmed emotionally.  Some people have a low set point for that, others have a higher one.  Some react to triggers that the next person doesnt.  The set point can change with time and effort--I know mine has changed a lot.

A lot of people here are flooded.  If emotions had a speedometer, many of us would be at about 90 mph--and I am including myself in that.  I try to give myself a chance to work through my flood before I post, but I dont know if that is actually effective or not.  If we were in 3D we would all take a time-out--but taking a time-out on a board where our entire relationship is talking would turn this place into a ghost town. 

Still, I suspect that the flood level is going up with each new conversation.

I value your participation here--I always have.  I used to read old posts from old threads and I always enjoyed yours.

Love
CB

[lighter]

Ahhh, CB.

Books! 

Yes. 
 
I remember get plenty of insight from the book:

"Getting the love you need"

I thinkthat was it.

It helped me figure out some of the major pieces of why people do what we do.

And how we can view it, as opposed to become overwhelmed by it.

It's not our job to KNOW everything....

it's our job to keep from getting overwhelmed while learning.

That was a tremendous insight as well.... taking responsibility for becoming overwhelmed and learning how to come out of it and stay out of it.

Not that Imanage perfectly, I don't.

But it was a very important lesson, none the less.

Lighter

[Ami]

I can relate, Juno. I bet we all can.
For me, I must feel the original feelings of pain and let them go. I can and have talked about them for a long time but never healed them b/c I did not "feel" them.
 I am doing that with a friend(s) who act as Enlightened Witnesses, as Alice Miller calls them.
 I am healing, for the first time, IMO.
 I am glad you reached out. That is a very,very good step. I bet you didn't want to and it was hard.
 Keep reaching out, Juno.
      Warmly, Ami

((((((Juno))))))
 

[Juno]

I promised myself I would rest a great deal today because I suffered a triggering incident at work yesterday afternoon and it took a lot out of me emotionally and physically.  Rest was the one thing I knew I could do that would help.  So, I rested several hours after posting this morning.  Still have to do some more self-care and then go back to work.

I am very glad I explained myself the way I did.  Each of your responses both surprises me and nurtures me.  Every one of them.

Carolyn:  Thank you for seeing my dignity and preciousness.  And thank you for telling me you used to feel this way and don't so much anymore.  It gives me hope.

Lupita:  I am not seeing a doctor or taking anti-depressants.  I know I should be but I am struggling with asking for that help.  I know I need it but it is a hurdle for me right now.  I have many of the classic symptoms of depression including lack of energy for the things I used to enjoy doing.  Perhaps a mood log would help.  If you would like to post one, that would be cool.

Lighter:  Where I work they do offer an Employee Assistance Program and I know co-workers who have been helped by getting referrals for Therapists.  Not sure what is holding me back from calling.  Perhaps that is the next thing I will learn how to do.  I am surprised to hear that you have trouble with a crowd of people.  The thing is, I have trouble reading your writing style--since I cannot read all of your posts closely then it makes sense I have missed seeing an important aspect of who you are.  I bet I have missed a lot of clues about people here and for similar reasons.

CB:  Well, your information about flooding and triggers has hit something in me.  That must be why I always want to run away.  My job is incredibly stressful and has been for a long time.  My set point must be very low right now.  Then keep in mind that I have a possible sociopath making out my work schedule each week and signing my leave slips and it's no wonder I had to sleep it off this morning.  It's just too much.  I did not know that you always feel uncomfortable.  Another thing that doesn't come across on a computer screen.

Ami:  I have not met any Enlightened Witnesses in my travels.  I expect I will not.  I think I am not on such a path.  I look around me and see that each person in this life has maybe a couple things that they can live for and then the rest of life seems to be difficulties.  I am mostly on my own.  Yet, I have a  husband who is the first boyfriend I ever had and who has been my companion through thick and thin.  The odds were much against two 17-year-olds making it this far in life when they both had lousy up-bringings and started out as young un-wed parents.  While I find it lonely to have so few close relationships in this life, I realize that my marriage is something of a miracle and most people don't even get that.  So, maybe my husband is my Enlightened Witness.  I don't know.  And you're right.  I did not want to reach out.  I never want to reach out.  But this morning I finally had something to say.

This is such a hard path we take here.  I can fully understand why most people do not embark on it.  I'm not so sure I would have chosen it if I had been asked.  Though some people think we are "asked" and that we do choose our path.  I can't imagine what I was doing before this that would have caused me to pick to this one.  If I'm smart, I'll pick something that involves a little more pleasure next time.....

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi juno/PP

I am sorry you are feeling so down and depressed. I, too, suggest an anti-depressant to assist in elevating your mood. I do believe that will help you to process your thoughts differently.

As far a choosing the wrong road....many have done that but wouldn't have if they had known what it would entail. I am one of those people, and as I reach the latter part of my life, I can look back at all my erroneous -for-me decisions and choices. I base this mainly on the lack of assistance with being a baby, a toddler, a child, a growing child, a teen.....

....then I set out on my own with little or no information about life. I was struck with depression then, although I might have had  low grade depression all my life, i.e. from the beginning.

I am over all that now and my finding this board on which to post my feelings, or lack thereof, my experiences with two Ns and with my FOO, my situation with my daughter.......................... this is the only place I could post all that and not run away thinking I would be hated.

I have pulled through some really sticky spots to go further and have released my anger and resentments. I keep away from toxic people in my real life and have mended fences with my daughter.

.....but I am still thinking, about what a waste my life has been, because I started this too late.

Please take care and please consider medication

Izzy

[Hopalong]

Hi Juno,

I find your writing beautiful in its clarity, honesty, simplicity.

I hear your depression and urge you to fight your way to an appointment with a therapist, and keep going. It may feel like walking through mud with an anvil on your head, that's just how it feels when a depressed person takes an action.

But I hope you will. Otherwise, you and your black dog stay alone.

You deserve all the support you can muster. The thing is, you've got to do the mustering.

Redheads rock,
Hops

[Juno]

I have to leave for work in nine minutes.

Izzy:  Sometimes I could cry to think of all the time that goes by while I fumble around and around.  Recently I looked back at some decisions I made in 1993 that I would say have led to where I'm at now as far as this lousy job, etc.  It took me fifteen years to realize just where I went wrong in my thinking!  To really understand it.  I decided to take it as a lesson for future such decisions.  So, not a complete waste.  But--fifteen years!  All this stress!  The things I missed with my kids!  The stuff I'm just not going to have time to do!  Maybe when I'm not depressed I won't think of it that way anymore.

Hops:  Me and my black dog.  Sometimes it is a relief to be left alone with my black dog.  It is my escape from the toxicity in my life.  But sometimes I am quite restless.  Perhaps it is the restlessness that will get me to the phone one day soon.

Now to head back into it.

[Leah]

I see a lot of what I consider to be power plays here.  I am not interested in that kind of thing.  Which is probably what makes me into a target.


Dear Juno,

I have read your posting of dignified expression, with empathy and understanding.  I agree with accord of your discernment, as above, as that is, I believe, the root of the problem here on board.


As such, last night, in order to release myself and others from this burdensome tumult - I sat and deleted ALL the threads that I had created and posted onto the "What Helps" board.

And also, sat and deleted here on the Main Board, only leaving some remaining thread topics that I have created.

My heart's desire is peace and understanding, one to another, and harmony - not division, discord and strife.         So, my real hope is that 'it is finished' and done with, for ALL and Everyone.


I am so glad that you have shared your voice here today in sharing of your thoughts, all of which are valued and appreciated.

Please know that your voice flows clearly.


And I too, have read and appreciated your posts.

Please take care of you.

Love, Leah


edit:  typo error

[Certain Hope]

Dear Juno... Pennyplant,

I'm so glad that you reached out here.

Wish I knew more about antidepressants, but I can only tell you that I would have tried them, if I'd had access during the dark age.

I'm praying that grip is broken from you and that you will see the many possibilities which lie before you.
That's what I lost sight of for awhile...
they're always there, just invisible for a season.

Please post when you can and keep in touch.

Love,
Carolyn

[Juno]

Hi Leah,  It is a big deal to really lay things to rest.  I think that is what deleting those threads can be for you.  Carolyn taught me a while back about becoming new.  It was a hard concept for me but so very useful once I figured out a way for me to understand it.  It has made a big difference in my life.  I do think it is possible to lay the past to rest without denying the past.  It sounds like you have found a way to go forward now.  This was/is a very rough patch.  Things are different now.  People are different now.  There is a history now, but that doesn't have to hold us hostage.  Let's see what happens next.....

Thank you for responding and telling us what you decided to do about how to move forward.

[Juno]

Carolyn, I think I am afraid that anti-depressants won't work for me or that I will have a significant adjustment period.  I was on prozac over ten years ago and it helped a lot.  Then I went off it cold turkey, which I have heard is a bad idea.  But we had a gap in insurance and I thought we couldn't afford to pay out of pocket for a year.  Another one of my decisions that I now question.  Anyway, I tried a similar anti-depressant a couple years ago and it did nothing for me.  It was like taking a placebo.  I was so disappointed.

There are other things holding me back, too.  Mainly the depression itself.  Anxiety, loss of confidence, things like that.  I've slipped back into awful-izing things.  Every single thing is harder now than it should be.  At some point I will just have to force myself to take care of this.  It has been going on too long and with fewer and fewer respites.

Bedtime now.  Good night.