I am Juno who used to post as Pennyplant.
My depression has been with me about 85% of the time for many, many weeks now. I recognize how it may screw up some of my perceptions. It doesn't mess with my ability to understand. Just throws my emotions and priorities out of whack. Triggers my self-hatred more often and more deeply. But I can still think and understand and see things that really are there even if nobody else sees or agrees with me on the importance of what I'm seeing. I'm talking about behaviors of others, etc.
I did a lot of work recently on my Pennyplant's Turning Points thread. Then I took it down last week after printing it all out for myself. I had a lot of very personal things on there. I thought maybe it was time to call back those pieces of my soul. So to speak. I guess I'm at the point where I recognize how much of myself, the soft parts of myself, that I give away too freely only to have less concerned people use it as a way in, a way to hurt me. That's a really hard concept for me but I think I'm getting it little by little. When I give away my power, someone else is going to be empowered. Something like that.
My skills at connecting with the world at large are very elementary at this point in my life. Partly due to the above-mentioned depression. Partly due to never having been taught a damn thing about give and take in relationships and groups.
So, even though what I've been reading on here for weeks now has sickened me, and I have silenced myself (as usual, as a result) still, I check in for some reason. Curiosity? Weakness? Loneliness? I have no idea. Certainly this board is not currently helping me with the huge hurdles I face every day at my terrible job. I'm drawing on past lessons from this place for that.
I'm at a point this week, and last week, where I read the posts and I think--I am not connecting with very many of these posters. People are getting pats on the back for posting things that appall me. People are getting bullied who I feel are being taken advantage of in their current weakness. People are talking, talking, talking, talking, talking, talking.
For me--I want very much to have my dignity. I have brought that up before. That is one of the reasons I have silenced myself. I am bound to say something that somebody will jump on me for. Sometimes I think that's the only reason I exist. So others can feel superior in some way. More powerful. I sure draw all kinds of negative attention to myself just for breathing. Or for being a redhead. For being small. For having opinions. For existing.
There are people here I like. At least from what I know about them. There are people here I cannot make myself get along with. Mostly, though, I just don't connect.
I see a lot of what I consider to be power plays here. I am not interested in that kind of thing. Which is probably what makes me into a target. It makes me a minority for sure.
I honestly don't think I will live long enough, even if I live to be 100, to learn the ins and outs of getting along and connecting with more than a few others at a time. I am going to have to learn to be okay with that.
I'm not sure what I want to accomplish with this post. Maybe I just want to practice my "policy" of non-aggressive honesty. That's harder than it sounds. I don't always succeed. And it seems to me that my aspiring to be a non-aggressive person is what is delaying my ability to connect with others.
I mean, look at all the bonding that is occurring here due to what I would call aggression!!! Posters start out hurling insults and end up praising and loving each other. That's what it looks like to an outsider like me, anyway. That's how it is at my job, too!!! Just wears me out. I think life is hard enough all on it's own.
If anything here resonates, fine. Respond away. But I have no real intention or goal with this post. Maybe I just decided to remove my own tape from my own mouth. That sounds like something I would do.