Author Topic: HOw to  (Read 14648 times)

gjazz

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #30 on: October 07, 2008, 07:16:47 PM »
Nobody to love you?  How about you?  I know of someone who once said, "loneliness isn't being alone.  It's loving other people in vain."  So if you choose someone who's in it for something other than love, you resign yourself to a lifetime of loneliness in that person's company.  Know what I think is worse than being single?  Wishing you were.  How about taking some time to really focus on yourself, learning to meet your own emotional needs wherever possible, trying to find joy in the freedom of the day?  That might sound a little pollyanna-ish, I know.  But when life hands you lemons....

ann3

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #31 on: October 07, 2008, 07:51:57 PM »
Lupita,

I am sorry for your pain, but, I think this could be a break through experience for you IF you want to learn the lesson based on this experience. 

I see this as a victory for you, which you could celebrate.  Why? 2 reasons:
1st,  you realized this guy is an abuser and that is a MAJOR recognition, a Major accomplishment. 
2nd, you decided that you will NOT subject yourself to an abuser and ended the relationship. This is another Major accomplishment. 

Lupita:  these are 2 BIG accomplishments and you are NOT giving yourself ANY credit!! 
Would you do that to your students?  Not give your students Credit when they EARNED the Credit?  Because, that is what you are doing to yourself:  YOU ARE NOT GIVING YOURSELF ANY CREDIT!!!! 

So, ask yourself:  "How come I'm not giving myself ANY credit for my accomplishments?"

Ending this relationship is like graduation for you:  you are growing up & moving on, from High School to Graduate School.  You identified an abuser and you decided to stay away.  Could you have done that 1 year ago?  Can't you see that you have grown and matured?  I hope you can see this and you will celebrate your accomplishments.

Next, can you also realize that this experience is an OPPORTUNITY for you to further improve yourself?  You said you need a pushy man because you lack motivation, but that is not true.  Can you examine why you have that misperception of yourself?

I agree with Gjazz:  we need to make lemonade from the lemons.  Maybe the lesson that you need to learn (that we all need to learn) is that the most important person we will ever have a relationship with is ourselves.  The only person we are with from birth to death is ourselves.  Therefore, we have to learn to love ourselves and if we don't  love ourselves, we need to figure out why we don't.

Did you read about boundaries?

Lupita, I think this experience is a blessing in disguise.  I know you are hurting, but try to see the opportunity you have to grow as a human being.


Gjazz:  I love what you wrote.  Insightful, truthful words to live by.  Thank you for that.


with love,
ann







« Last Edit: October 07, 2008, 07:55:50 PM by ann3 »

Hopalong

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #32 on: October 07, 2008, 08:11:34 PM »
Thank you for checking in, Lup...

you have been brave and assertive and resolute and I really, really admire you.

What you "think" (I'll be alone the rest of my life) isn't real...it's just a thought.

And
I
do
not
believe
it

I love you!

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Izzy_*now*

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #33 on: October 07, 2008, 09:27:17 PM »
Hi Lupita,

I have read this thread, but have not remarked since I said every day was too much!

I think, sometimes, people might feel it is 'embarrassing' to be alone. Think of all the Freedom one has, living alone. All kinds of male and female friends to invite over, or to go out with and it doesn't have to be every day or every week.

(Don't we all have to take time off to shop, clean, do laundry, etc. when we want to and then see our friends when we want to.

Then there is work. Money! My goodness! (I work part time just to have something to do) people work at jobs they like and the job is totally separate from the personal life.........................................well that is my thought. I hated, that after my car accident, my boss went to see my parents. I HATED that! IT WAS A BOUNDARY VIOLATION TO ME!.........and I was paralyzed and who was I to tell people what to do?????

Well now I know what I could have done. Boss could have mailed to my parents instead of inserting himself as part of my family!

After I left my D's father, I was alone with her for 2½ years, then the accident, then back to her from age 6-19. then alone, alone....that is from 1983- 1998 (15 years) then I met the N, 4 years, left him and now 6 years alone and with what I know now, alone is best.

..................then again it might be my age. I still get horny but there is no one I want!

Be grateful for everything you do have, live well, be happy and helpful, and forget about love. If you chase it--it will flee...I'm thinking about the "happiness is like a butterfly...if you sit still it will land on your shoulder."

Don't feel desperate, don't look desperate, don't choose an N; Love yourself and then love will find you!

Love
Izzy
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

lighter

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #34 on: October 08, 2008, 02:07:24 PM »
Hops is right, Lupita.

Your fears are just thoughts.

Fearing what may happen.....

is futile and not helpful. 

There's a saying:

"What you fear will find you."

I want you to stop fearing...

and start thinking about what you do want.

((((Lupita)))) 

Lupita

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #35 on: October 10, 2008, 06:17:23 AM »
Started new counceling. She said nothing about W. She just said to enforce my boundaries and see what happened.

I am just taking it easy with him. Do not want to offend him, he is too enmshed in my life, I have to be very careful. He is in salsa, in meditation and in walking clubs, all the activities I have, he is there.

At the mean time, I started having problems at my new school. This time it is not the teachers, the principal and the teachers are very supportive. This time is the eight graders who are the oldest students in the school. But this are very rich kids and very spoiled.

I teacher 4, 5, 6, 7, and 8. All are wonderful classes except the 8. The 8 are very difficult. We had conference night last night and of ten conferences 8 went wonderfuly. Two went bad, of course, 8th graders flat out lieing to their parents, with dram queens mother and girl, fortunately the husband was reasonable.

The other, is very bad, she is totally rotten. and those parents will pay consequenses for not teaching responsibility to thier kids. But, fortunately, of 200 kids, I teach 200 kids, eight different classes, work like a beast, and only one group gives me problems and of that group, it is not everybody, but just a group six, maybe five, out of 200 kids. I work so hard, that I get home exhausted.

Eight different preparations a day, four different subjects, all different grades, very difficult.

But I have survived eight weeks already.

All my classes are a piece of heaven except the 8th.

Thank you for listening.

lighter

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #36 on: October 10, 2008, 03:28:48 PM »
Well.... you had trouble with only one class last year too.

Now you have the support of the other teachers and princial..... a huge improvement.

Question:  What are the problems you have with the students?

What are your choices, when you think about dealing with them?

Are they disrupting your class or failing to participate?

Are they getting passing grades?

What are your options in dealing with them?

Pull back, gain some distance......

Lighter

Lupita

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #37 on: October 12, 2008, 10:03:02 PM »
We spent this weekend together. I did not have the courage to kick him out. I mean, I could have asked him to go away, but I could not. I like all the attention he gives me. Ge goes to church with me, he takes me pictures playing the organ, he took me to a Latin concert, he discovered a noise in my car, I took my car to the dealership and they had to change the alternator, he is giving me something I have not recieved in 20 years.

I am not ready to let him go. I want to enjoy it while it lasts.

CB123

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #38 on: October 12, 2008, 11:12:31 PM »
I mean, I could have asked him to go away, but I could not.

Lupita,

Just change the wording of your self-talk from "could not" to "did not".  Or "chose not". 

It's okay to make this choice, as long as you own it.  There's nothing wrong with enjoying the relationship, even if it isnt everything that you want.  Just keep choosing to do what you do.  It will build your inner muscles.

Much love,
CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

lighter

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #39 on: October 14, 2008, 07:14:07 AM »
Lupita:

You don't have to ask him to leave your life.

Just.....

 to respect your boundaries.

Lighter


Lupita

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #40 on: October 18, 2008, 03:45:29 PM »
Thank you CB and Lighter.

He is needy. I know. He is controlling. I know. But I like it. When it turns bad, if it does, then I will do something about it. For the moment, I am enjoying all the attnetion that he is giving me. He really worships me. He spoils me, with attention adn doing everything I want.

It is nice to feel the princess for onece.

I will enjoy while it lasts.

God bless.

lighter

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #41 on: October 22, 2008, 07:50:07 PM »
It's OK to feel like a Princess, Lupe.

It's not OK for someone to treat you well, for a short time, in order to gain control over you, for a longer time.

In that case.... it won't ever be OK, will it? 

Lighter

Lupita

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #42 on: October 25, 2008, 06:12:08 PM »
Thank you Lighter. Hopefully that will not happen. If it does, then I will take care.
Thanks for being concerned about me.

We spent the whole weekend together.

We went to chuch together, we went to dance salsa, he is here now.

I am teaching him my boundaries. He is learning little by little. I told him that next week we are only going to walk together nad he has to go home after the walk.

Today we walked with the walking club and I was the only woman with a boyfriend, and he made me look good. I love it!

Izzy_*now*

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #43 on: October 26, 2008, 12:01:42 AM »
hi Lupita,

We will each do what we want to regardless of what others say, but at least when receiving advice, you know we are thinking of you, and trust that you are thinking of you, too.

Love
Izzy
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

lighter

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Re: HOw to
« Reply #44 on: October 28, 2008, 05:23:51 PM »
::nod::

What Izzy said.

Lighter