HA!
Boy could I enjoy some blueberry pie...
Had a nice evening with gennleman friend...lots of talking, walking, a little cuddling. No pressure.
I have a conundrum. (You don't wanna read this, Mud, but I need to talk about it. I will be mindful of mores and such and am not trying to incite vulgarity, honest. I just don't have anybody I really know how to talk about this stuff with in my life.)
I was raised in extremely repressive atmosphere, as to sex. VERY repressive. Full of fear and guilt and a dark sense that it wasn't joyful but dire. (About 15 years ago, I learned why...what had gone on in my mother's childhood from her father -- if not to her --I'll never know the truth about that -- definitely to her younger sister. That would lead one to emit dire signals about sex, I'm sure. It was simply never addressed at all. )
So I was a late bloomer and in some ways still am. In my young adulthood I was a bold one. Round-heeled, to put it bluntly. As I got older I began to miss the sense of exaggerated sacredness. I don't really want THAT, either -- that's just another kind of pressure. But I'm still ambivalent and confused about what I really want. How much exploration and woo-hooness.
With Gennleman Friend, who had no father ... but is a Gentle Man, and an honest one ... I find myself a little startled by how freely and naturally he talks about sex. And, he mentions women a lot. He is not a philanderer. I believe he is honest about that as well, and have no sense that he's painting false pictures. He's been very emphatic that he has no interest in being any other way than involved and intimate with just one woman. He's known a few, so he has his stories.
But he's very fit, very attractive, and in that area of his life, very confident in a way I am not. That's touching on some insecurities I have about intimacy. I'm afraid of disappointing, being dull. Boring him.
It'll be some looooooooong time before I know, because I am moving like an old tortoise. The last few years of romantic disappointments have taught me one thing with huge clarity. Although I was very capable of it when I was young, for me now, casual sex is an oxymoron. Or I am a moron when I indulge. Every single time, I imprint like a baby duck and am ready to go quacking after That Man indefinitely. And it hurts too much when it's not reciprocated. So I'm just not handing myself over like that any more. Nice thing about GF is that he isn't losing interest in me once I've explained that about myself. We're certainly attracted to each other...but while he refers to us as "good friends" then that's all I'll be.
Going backwards, I must be. Back to the lesson of girlhood...don't let it happen unless he loves you and offers security. Of course, I've selected an unemployed formerly homeless probably-alcoholic yardman...details...details...
Back to the conundrum. Kind nice truly a gentleman Gennnulman Friend, who attends my church and knocks himself silly being helpful and nurturing...kind of shares enough stories about himself that I learn that because he likes women so much (and I mean he genuinely likes women -- raised with two, and no males -- he seems to feel most at home with females, generally a lovely thing...and I'm quite touched and pleased by his intentional building of his relationship with his sister) .... AND because he's a very kinesthetic kind of person, as well as visually like any other guy (he responds to beauty, loves the female body, etc etc)...
Oh hell, I'll spit it out.
Turns out he's spent plenty of time (though not in recent years) in his past in nudie bars. Told me all sorts of tales about how he made genuine friends among the women, didn't exploit or anything. In fact he's always telling me stories of his past encounters with women ... and he usually comes off as the more vulnerable. I don't think he's making this up at all. He really is unusally sensitive, and perhaps lonely. And it sounds as though he's experienced his share of rejection (I can relate to that).
Anyhow, my heart sank when he told me that. I don't want to judge him. But I LOATHE every single aspect of the flesh peddling industry. I see a continuum and am not sage about it at all. He is all blase and told me truthfully that he met quite a few women who seemed to truly enjoy what they did, and earned a lot of money, etc.
I countered with -- the continuum -- how I perceive it as completely messed up and sad and tragic EVEN IF there are "sex positive" confident women who do it with pleasure, without shame, and enjoy their sexual power as a positive.
Sigh. My problem is, I understand what he's saying. He's an intelligent and sensitive man. I trust him and I like him.
But I'm flat-out buffaloed by this past pasttime of his. He's not apologetic about it. He concedes my argument that it's a continuum and porn and trafficking etc. are related, and even sees my point that most women, even in "sex positive" Western states, who participate...may come from backgrounds of some sort of abuse, or even if not that, from some sort of ECONOMIC desperation (hellloooooo, equality is still not there, economically, though it's much much better).
So how do I reconcile all this? He really is a lovely gentle man who has been treating me VERY well and has become a companion and great comforter.
But I have for years simply loathed and grieved and sorrowed (and raged) over the industry of women's bodies.
Oh damn.
Anyway, I know this is a big loaded subject, but I sincerely would be very very interested in answers from any and all of you -- ALL thoughts, perspectives, wisdom, things you've learned or changed or embraced or rejected in the evolution of your own thinking about these things.
Hell, I halfway think it's because he's a laid-back Westerner and I was raised an uptight Southern girl. Could it be that simple? Mutliple trips to Europe notwithstanding, I literally know nothing about how a handsome athletic young boy with no father, who really really likes women and is lonely, might find himself drawn to that sort of gathering. It may in part be his habit of drinking in bars, too. The way he talks about it... it was part thrill-seeeking when he was young, but became a place to find friends, conversation, bonding. He talks far more about people's life stories and conversations he had with them than he does anything else.
I am just seeing that he's had a whole life that's in a way on the "disprespectable" side of the street. He's embraced people exactly as who they are. He's not judgmental, nor snobbish, nor pretentious. He has an openness and curiosity that I really appreciate. I think he's actually sought out the "underclass" in the same way he chose to climb mountains that not very many others have climbed. He's in the 2nd tier of climbers worldwide. He's literally climbed mountains that are so steep and dangerous and high that people have died attempting the ascents. He saw that more than once.
I respond to the adventurer in him. THAT'S THE TRUTH! (Hmm, this is helpful.) I too am an adventurer. Where I am bold is not physical. (I"m a wuss and out of shape...though I once worked as a carpenter's apprentice when few women were...helped build a barn, doing the roof, all that). But I traveled 13 countries before I was 15 (three months each time) and it changed me. It implanted an openness and curiosity about other ways of living and being, and it challenged so many of the social assumptions I was raised among.
My poor parents had no idea all that would go off in my brain like little bombs during the 60s and afterward, of course.
Wow. I would love to know how anybody else responds to this winding post. It has helped me to write it, because I think I've written my way to understanding how I can still like him.
I am intensely turned off by the industry that peddles women, EVEN IF some of the participating women are glad or "empowered" to be doing it. I don't care, I still see it as a terribly sad thing reminiscent of the auction block.
But maybe he has never seen it that way, or asked the same questions, or battled through that question in the same way I have. And maybe he's not evil because his own spirit of rebellion and adventure used to lead him there.
Maybe I'm also in danger of rationalizing acceptance of something I deeply dislike, because I've been so lonely and he's paid me so much attention.
Oy. I really don't know. My mind's open. But I'm still guarding my heart.
Thanks for reading all this free association...feel free to freely associate back!
xo
Hops
