Ho-ho-honesty about the holidays

[Hopalong]

Hi all.
This is sparked by Sunblue's post. I wanted to say some stuff that's new to me this year. And maybe someone else will, too. Many people are filled with cheer during this holiday season. For years, I have been filled with gradually increasing sadness, dread, anxiety, depression.

It's early. It's only early November. AND THIS YEAR I WILL NOT GO THERE.

I've figured out what I want. And I've also figured out that the only way to get it is to MAKE MY OWN experience, instead of passively riding on the huge wave of holidrama around me.

What I want is to sit back and let the minister and his wife do anything they like with decorations downstairs...they're into it. La la that's fine. I like them and will be happy to admire. But I'm not doing it. Secondly, I do like the good cheer on the streets, simply because drivers are nicer. But except for the grocery store, unless I'm working in another store on Saturdays, I WILL NOT BE SHOPPING.

I'm sending my brother's family very small gift certificates to www.kiva.org. I did that last year and realized all at once that this is the end of my stress over Christmas. I'll do that gift from now on, for all of them. $10 each, there are 5 of them, and I'm done. I'll do what's required at work, and that's that.

What I WILL enjoy is the sacred music, the thoughts/hope about peace on earth. I am not Christian, so although the story is pleasant, I'm not going to allow religious sentiment to sweep me away either. If I can't find anything non-Christmas on the radio, I'll play tapes of music I like.

And I'll spend more time in nature. WHEN I WALK IN THE BEAUTIFUL WOODS, THERE ARE NO SIGNS ON TREES SAYING "DECEMBER", "CALENDAR", "OH GOD LOOK AT THE DATE", etc. There are just trees, beautiful bark, a glimpse of a cardinal, the sharp cold scent of pine, the crunch of ice or snow under my boots, the thin winter sun. All beautiful, and all completely unflustured by human frenzy.

I am just not getting sucked into the frenzy, period. I am keeping my peace. I'll have nonholiday DVDs, nonholiday music, and I have some nonholiday friends, too.

Anyway, Sunblue...I hope you'll find some detachment from the tyranny of Norman Rockwell's Christmas, and remember you are not the only person who's saddened by what's missing. Eventually, you can get determined.

I think the only way you will ever get away from your sadness is when you get determined to move TOWARD happiness.

love to you,
Hops

[axa]

Hops,

Just a quick note as I have little time at present.  I gave up on the "holiday" stuff some time ago and it really is pleasant.   I also had to figure out what it all meant for me and to be honest the crazy shopping and materialism just turned me off so I now buy very little, decorate very little but share some good walks, easy time with friends/family.  By the way, where I live the whole place shuts down for about a week!

hugs,

axa

[gratitude28]

Hops,
Like axa, I also gave up the holiday stuff a few years back. I enjoy the time off with the kids. We get them presents that are nice for them and the family. We used to go on a trip during the season, but won't this year due to finances. We will decorate a bit together. I will not buy a lot of gifts as it is financially not possible for us.
Can you believe that as a kid I hated Christmas? My parents liked to torture us with hints and if we weren't glassy eyed with gratitude, they were unhappy (always). If we played with one thing, it meant we didn't like the other. Even now, I dread the request, "What do you want for Christmas," from them. My NM will ask and then complain it is too expensive, or where will she find it, etc. And they always spend such a ridiculous amount of money. I have asked them not to - just to do something little for us, but it always ends up that way. And NM looks at what we buy for her, maybe likes it for an hour and then throws it in a drawer.
So I have detached. To me it is just some time together (and hopefully with my husband this year as we don't know when he will be back from Afghnistan for sure or if he will leave again).
((((((((((((((((Hops)))))))))))))))))
Love,
Beth

[ann3]

I think the only way you will ever get away from your sadness is when you get determined to move TOWARD happiness.


Wow Hops,

That is excellent, love it.  Deserves to be on a card, a tee shirt & my bathroom mirror so I can read it everyday.  This is my new motto.

xoxo,
ann

[sKePTiKal]

Only way to go, Hops... more power - and PEACE - to ya, in this season of crazy-busy, guilt-laden, unrealistic expectations & mass-marketed "experience". It's no longer sane.

I'll be looking for my own version of the holiday - similar to yours. I'm simplifying gift-giving a lot, too. The days (or nights) of marathon gift-wrapping and obscene displays of massive piles of boxes under my non-conformist christmas tree (the past few years, it's a palm tree - beach theme, ya know??) and table-groaning cholesterol laden tables....

... I'm passing on to people younger & more ambitious than me, with the understanding that none of it is necessary. I don't like the crowds, the traffic, the rush-rush, the worry that someone will/won't like what I thought they would...

... naw.

I'm "tuning in, turning on (lights - led; solar when possible), and dropping out" of Christmas, as practiced in western civilization.

[gjazz]

I kind of like the holidays.  They make me sad in some respects, because I tend to think of all the might-have-beens.  But I've long had a pass on the shopping aspect because my family does not exchange gifts (they do give them to children, but adults, not so much).  I like the music and the food and people generally being decent to each other.  Last year, the day before Thanksgiving we learned a child in the family had cancer.  His twin brother was already terminally ill, and to have the healthy one diagnosed, and be told that basically, he'd have to go into an experimental treatment program for there to be any hope at all--it was devastating.  This year he has completed chemo and radiation and his only task is to gain some weight.  So I guess in the end, I'm trying (not always succeeding) to think less about what I don't have and put one foot in front of the other and remember that however hard things have seemed at times, other people have had it much harder.  And be grateful.

[lighter]

I remember having this conversation on the board.....

well....

something similar....

last holiday season.

For us, this year's holiday will be about celebrating our oldest family traditions with the children..... that's it.

I just can't spend time dreading the holidays this year. 

Simple pleasures in simple holiday rituals.... Grandma's cooky, candied apple and carmel popcorn recipes, featured heavily.

A familiar turkey, just like the ones Grandma used to stuff, with familar casseroles..... squash and yam.... and the assorted pies.  Fewer in fact, than usual.  Maybe just 2 or 3, made with more care?  We'll see.

Splitting tons of firewood, then splitting some more.

Maybe having one bonfire to roast marshmallows and drink coco by.

Wood gathering walks through the woods, with the children, can become a new ritual.

Lighter

[Lupita]

We identify our selves with what is going on out of our selves. And if we do not have a nice group around we do not feel successful during the "Holidays".

have anybody read the power of now?

No craving for anything. For nothing. No desire. No passion. Passion is poisoning.

Including the "holidays".

[Lupita]

My son is threatening me with not spending Thanks Giving with me! He is not used for me to have somebody in my life.

    

He has been the king of my life for 23 years.

Now what?

No holidays I will become the grinch who did not like christmas!!!!

[Lupita]

                                                   ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))CB((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((

[sunblue]

Hello all:

Been reading all your posts with interest and empathy....I'm dreading this holiday.....As I've noted, my "healthy" brother is hosting a Thanksgiving dinner, not on Thanksgiving, but tomorrow, for his own reasons.....It means, of course, I'll be alone on Thanksgiving.  Normally, I give in easily....and even though I know I'll probably give in and just go to the dinner because frankly it's just easier than dealing with all the drama that would ensue if I didn't....I know I will not enjoy it....For me, it brings back the feelings that nothing I say or do or want or need has ever mattered, or will ever matter.  I just don't count.  Basically, it doesn't matter if I'm there or not.  So, it's not really about this holiday, it's about how I'm treated all throughout the year.

I've been evaluating things and can't help wonder why it is that I have never mattered to anyone.....why no one has ever valued me enough to make the simplest of compromises or sacrifices....Because what I do know, is if I stood my ground and refused to go along, they would just alll very easily just turn the other way.  Their way or the highway.

I don't expect the Hallmark version of holidays....but I guess I always hoped for a version where at least you could spend a little time with those you love and who exhibit behavior that makes you think it's returned.  Where all the conversation is not about them.  Where occasionally someone says in a sincere way, "So, how are you?  How are you feeling?" 

But I guess when you're raised in N families, that is only wishful thinking.  And for me, because I don't get that from anyone, family or not, I think these holidays only serve to emphasize it.  I'm struggling these days to find some shred of hope to keep going.  Everything is really bad right now.  A terribly N and controlling boss who requires me to work insane hours.....a selfish family....a horrible economy that limits opportunities to get out of the bad job...It just seems hope is a rare commodity these days.

I'm trying to stay positive .....and find time to send out resumes to find a new job....I'm also trying hard to accept my reality....which is that I don't have family to count on.....and that I am not cared for by anyone.  It's a hard reality....but I think accepting that reality, in the end, is better than to keep hoping for something I'll never have.

I thought to myself...too bad there isn't an "N' support group out there...We could all get together on holidays and create our own family....

Anyway, I hope those of you who have your own families, can enjoy the holidays and traditions that go along with it.  For now, I'm appreciating this board and the kind people who post here.  I am really Thankful for that this Thanksgiving.

[ann3]

I am ready to replace it with a new reality.  I wonder what it will look like!

CB, you're brilliant!  Whatever you got than enables you to think this way, could you send some to me?  I really need it!!

Sun,

So sorry to hear it's another crappy Thanksgiving (sounds like a Hallmark special? ).  Seriously, I feel like many of us have that idealized Hallmark image that few ever experience or live up to.  I think of it as media pressure, fairytales & wishful thinking, along the lines of "and they lived happily ever after......"  This is why I love what CB said about replacing it with a new reality & wondering what it will look like.  Wonderment, not fear, of the unknown.  I hear you CB & thank you for that thought.

Sun, you are a very intelligent, articulate & sensitive person & I hope you will return to read this thread & respond.  I say this because I have noticed that you seem to post on the board & not return for a while, so when people post back to you, you often don't respond.  And, that's fine because you're not required to respond and it's fine if you just want to post your feelings & leave. 

But..........I have also noticed that when you post, your conundrums are often the same:  Your parents & family don't care about you & your disappointment in your brother.  A while back, I posted to you about the possibility that perhaps you are enmeshed with your family (as I was), so even though you feel rejected by them, you can't leave (which happened to me).

So, what I'm saying here is that while I'm glad you post your feelings here, have you thought about what you do to change your circumstances & environment, so that your family isn't the ever present thorn continually causing you pain by pricking you?  It's like you have identified your problem (which is very essential), but what steps could you take to find a solution?

I'm doing Thanksgiving tomorrow because people have to scatter to various other Thanksgivings on Thursday and I look forward to my quiet Thursday:  I'll relax, read a book, take a walk, enjoy the quiet.  How about you?  Can you spend Thursday doing things for yourself that you enjoy?  Or help at a soup kitchen?

Sun, thank you for listening to my feelings.  I hope you come back & post.  I always enjoy reading what you have to say.

xoxox,
ann

[sunblue]

Hi Ann:

I wanted to reply and let you know I read your post.  I understand your points.  I used to post quite often and respond regularly.  I am not able to do so as much because when I started a new job back in February, I also started working 100+ hour work weeks, which I alluded to in previous posts.  So as much as I would like to, I'm not physically able to get online to either post or respond.  Today's post represented a rare opportunity for  me to do so...

I also hear you loud and clear about your other point.  I should not have used this board to complain or whine.  It was selfish and inappropriate of me.  I know most others are in much worse situations than I.  I had a therapist once who noted the same...I don't see one now....but I still recall his perspective.

Even though I haven't been in a position when I could write as much as I wanted to, that did not diminish my appreciation for the responses received or my empathy for those who shared similar, if not identical situations.

Thanks very much for taking the time to respond.  Your points are duly noted.....and I will do my best to make those adjustments.

CB:

I, too, respect your ability to make such enormous changes when it comes to the holiday.  It sounds like you are on track to create a differnent kind of holiday for yourself.  I hope this holiday provides you at least a little bit of those "hallmark" moments...even if the picture looks completely different.  Enjoy!

Sunblue

[ann3]

Dear Sun,

I should not have used this board to complain or whine.  It was selfish and inappropriate of me.  I know most others are in much worse situations than I.  I had a therapist once who noted the same...I don't see one now....but I still recall his perspective.

NO, NO, NO, NO.  I apologize to you for not communicating my message.

This is a place for you to "complain" & "whine", but you do not do either of those things.  Your concerns, your feelings are 100% LEGITIMATE & VALID!!!!!  You have every right in this world to feel how you feel.  Your family does sound very selfish, unloving & ostracizing. 

You are neither selfish nor inappropriate.  I think you are sensitive, loving, articulate and your foo has shunned you.

Do you think your therapist was unvalidating?

My point was to say to you that "Yes", your FOO sounds unloving & cold to you, but how can you move beyond this?  They say that 90% of solving a problem is to identify that the problem exists and you have done that.  Now, for the other 10% (not sure it's only 10%, probably more):  what can you do to relieve your suffering?  I thought that if you could consider the possibility that you may be Enmeshed with your family, then that could be a starting point for you to explore ways to disengage from your FOO, so you won't feel so hurt by them.

Sun, I am sorry I miscommunicated & I also understand that it's hard for you to post.  Hope you can come back & we can talk some more.

(((((((((((Sun))))))))))))

xoxo,
ann

[gjazz]

Sun:

This is the perfect place to come whine, bitch, complain, browbeat, cry all you want to.  We've all been judged to death in the real world.  You might come here to help someone else, you might come seeking help for yourself, or both, but the point is it's a safe place to explore feelings and options and hey, just say what you want to say.  Last night I came thisclose to posting a long diatribe on the subject of potatoes.  Really, I got so worked up over this whole potato issue for Thanksgiving, the only thing that kept me from unloading was I had too much work to do.   I was really, really pissed off about the potatoes.   If that's not a whine for the ages I don't know what is!   Take care, hang in there and peace over the holidays.