Update. Learning everyday.

[sKePTiKal]

Lupita:

Your past is part of you; your relatives and your home town. No, you don't have to give that up... instead you can claim it as YOURS and still work on (little by little) NC with people who are toxic to you. Remember the "medium chill"? You can still protect yourself AND claim what's yours... maybe by limiting how often your actually see your NM... and when you're around her, by realizing she doesn't see the same cathedral... the same good people... the same you, that you see.

She can't see it. It's not your fault. There's nothing that needs to be done about it - it's who she is.
But you can still enjoy your nieces, your SIL, being "home"... you're allowed this.

Don't let her lack of ability to see and understand be a dark cloud on your happiness and joy...
maybe easier said than done (I should know!) but all things are possible.

[lighter]

Lupita:

I loved reading about your visits with nieces and SIL......

about your comforting familiar view of a cathedral from your childhood.

::wishing you more joy and detachment::

Mo2

[Lupita]

I ate ten sweet mangos for breakfast. I was alivating all the way. MaNGOS are expansive in US plus not very often you find them. Here everybody has a tree in their houses. My friend W enjoyed the mangos too. My mother was talking during our breakfast but as usual she was detilling poison, but I failed today to tun her out and kind of ruined my magos. But I will practice for tomorrow. I go back to USA next Monday.

My brother is N. I am sure now. He is the golden child. He is so N and he is totally unconscious. But he is not malignant. He is just very slefidh and thinks that he is intitled and everybody owes him. But not a bad person. My mother is bad, she is evel. I am so sorro for her.

W went out on his own, despite the language barrier. Say a pray for him. I told him if by 4 pm is not here I will call the police.

We were at 110 degrees yesterday. No AC.

My brother is so ridiculous that he asked me to talk to him the other night and for the moments that I was in his office, he turned the AC off. He knows that I am dying for AC. He is so stupid.

He still wants to talk more wiht me. I will tell him he is an N and he is the golden child. He probably suspects.

Thank you PR ans Mof2.

I am working on detachment. Very difficult.

[Lupita]

Hopsy, I am not ready to go NC. I need to erase my mother from my mind with out losing my past. I need to visit my relatives, my cosins, my friends, see the cathedral from my window, the same church I saw everyday growing up from my window, I was sad every day growing up. I see it now with oput sadness, That is a major accomplishment.

I need to stop feeling a victim. I was a victim but I am not anymore.

Now, I have to work out a way so my mother does not come to USA to my house anymore. never again. I do not want her in my house. I am sorry for that but she is very damaging. She stills from me and I look for my thinks like crazy and later she tells me "do you rememeber those pictures or thoise books you gave me as gifts last year?"

But all year I was looking for those pictures or books or shirt, etc. She really makes my crazy.

She is targetting my nephew now. He is an N due to my borther and my mother's talks to him all the time.

The bible says until the fourth generation.

I think the N from my mother is so malignant that is going to en up forvever. I broke the cycle, but my sister and my brother did not. I am very sorry for them.

[Ami]

Lupita
 It is so ,so sad. Your M cannot appreciate a wonderful, caring D. She deserves a D just like she. It IS her loss. She is despicable.   Ami

[Lupita]

this is what I see from my window.

So many afternoons looking out that window!!! The saddest is when the church is ringing its bells in the evening, It is so nostaLGIC AND SO LONELY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Lupita]

AMI, I THINK MY MOTHERS BRAIN HAS DIFFERENT CABLES INSIDE.

[Ami]

Yes, Lupita
 The wiring is different. It was a horrible luck of the draw that we got them. It brought me to Jesus, as a Jewish person, and for that I am so ,so grateful.   Ami

[Lupita]

Can somebody tell me if you can see the picture of my window? Thanks.



Today foir breakfast, Sge asked me if I wanted to eat breasts. I told her I like dark meat, and hse knows it. She said that she is going to cook the breasts and I have to relize that she does everything to please me.

LOL

[lighter]

Lupe:

Your view out the window is small, but there.

That your M cooked you breast meat, while insisting she did it to please you.....

is absurd and kind of amusing from here.

But then,  I have distance and she's not my mother.

What a silly thing for her to say.

You know good and well she didn't do it "to please you."

Makes no sense....

never will.  

Mo2

[Lupita]

Thanks Mof2. I fell in the trap again today. I made a sceen after beeing under pressure for several days and my mother was very pleased. But now I am more indifferent to my mother than I used to, hopefully I am not going to allow her to visit me never agian. She is evil.
Everybody saw my sceen. I regret now bewcvasue that is what my mother was looking for and I pleased her. But she does not klnow that I am planning not to recieve her in my house never again.

[Ami]

Lupita
 You can't hold it together all the time with that type of evil. You are doing SO much better than I ever could.    Ami

[lighter]

((Lupita))

Forgive yourself for losing patience.

Mo2

 

[Lupita]

Mof2, that is the most difficult thing to do. Thinking of the terrible mistakes I did when I waited so lung to take my son away from his monstrous father.



Incredibly, I survived. I am in the shuttle to the airport. Four hours shuttle. So, I am going to use the time to write a little on my laptop, as long as the battery lasts.

I am still swollen but look fine. No infection, everything went perfect. I guess I have a lot to be grateful for.

Still, instead of being grateful, I feel a terrible pain in my heart. Not like a heart attack but like a pain that goes from my heart to my throat and gives me trouble breathing.

It is 7:00 AM and me are three hours and a half away from the airport. I had to be at the bus station and 6:00 AM. I had to get up at 5:30 AM. My mother and her husband took me to  the bus station.

I was picking up all my things in the room, when my sister came and told me “I treated you very nicely and I have witness that I treated you very nicely, good bye”

My friend W told me that my mother must have given her a speech so she can come and tell me that.

That was my good bye from my sister after twelve years of not seeng her. I too her to the movies, I paid her ticket, and her daughter’s ticket, I bought several gifts for her daughter, I played with her daughter and I tried very hard to earned a little love from my niesce. I think that is going to be impossible since no matter what I do my mother is going to be talking about me in front of my little niesce.

I feel extremely lonely, alone, I feel that God has been a little too hard on me. But I accept it and God knows that there is nothing I can do. God can take my life away when ever he wants, or take my legs or make my life even worse.

Why did God give me the family he gave me, I will never know. My brother keeps thinking that he si a good son and that is why my mother loves him so much. My nephew is in a total darkness, physically disable and listening to my mother constantly, and she is making him think that she loves him more because he is special and now he constantly insults his mother, (my SIL).

The hole in my heart is to never be filled with anything. I am a very lonely human being.

[Lupita]

It is 11:30. I am at the airport. Sitting with my lap top. Trying the get over my upsetness. I need to feel good. My mother is unreasonable. I need to feel good. If I wait for her to give me approval to feel good, I am never going to feel good. Never.


The good bye was very cold. On my part too. I colaborated for a cold good bye because I was very resentful. I gace my step father a cold hug, a big and deep and strong hug to my niesce and a kiss to her, and a very very very cold hug to my mother. The tips of my fingers touched barely her back, and there was no contact of chests or faces.

I got my bags and got in the bus station.


I have been feeling very upset, and sad. My aunt wanted to visit me but she said that my mother put a face so bad to her the day before that she did not want to go because she was afraid. She did the same to my SIL. She does not want that anybody to visit me, she wants to isolate me. In fact, I am isolated. I am not part of the team.


My brother and sister live in a bubble, and have no idea of what my mother does. I have told my brother but he does not believe me at all. She is going to destroy my brother’s marriage but he si so stupid that he allows my mother to mistreat my SIL. My brother told me that my SIL only wants my company to get back at my mother. I cannot believe that my company is so poor or undesirable that she would only want to get back at my mother using me. I think she enjoys getting back at my mother but that is nopt the reason. She likes my company.

I need to get over this sadness. I want to come back, I want to see my old friends, I want to see my niesces and nephew, I want to visit the old places where I drank coffee when I was a medical student, I want to visit the tomb of my father and grand mother, and grand father, and my old cousins, dance salsa in special place here, go to the folk theater where only people from here understand the meaning of the jokes, I do not want to break with my past.

But my mother really hates me. And I need to deal with that so I can enjoy here and there and USA and my slef. Otheriwse  I will never enjoy anything.

The hole is never going to be filled. Never.

I am resentful to god because he did ugly things to my son too. I did as much as I could to save my son, but he suffered too much before I could understand what was happening.

I have been a victim all my life. I am not a victim right now at this right moment, but I still feel a victim of life.

Need to move on, I am not a victim anymore. I am an adult and can protect my self. But feel so lonely!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was so stupid that here in the airport after four hours of bus travel, I called my mother to let her know that I was fine here and waiting for my flight to USA and she started telling me how bad she was feeling because I only came here to take care of my self and di not care about her.

Why do I keep looking for a nice word from my diabolic mother?  I was even sadder. I was wondering why did I call her. Why did I call her. I know that I am going to receive dirt from her. Why do I call her. I regretted I called her.

It is like I never learn.  Now, at this moment I do not feel as bad as I was feeling in the bus. I am sitting at a Coffee shop, with internet, will have a cappuccino, I am going back “home” and I put quotations because I do not feel home anywhere. I feel sad no matter where I am.