Update. Learning everyday.

[Lupita]

I am taking hip-hop classes, I do a fair job, tango classes, salsa classes, organizing walks on the beach, belong to a piano club, play in my church, have a decent job with a decent salary and a decent job. I feel so sad. My son is healthy and doing a PHD at the best university in our town. But still, the hole in my heart will never be filled. I feel so so so sad!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Something is missing! I am empty!

[Lupita]

She went to my last visit to my surgeon. He was taking the stitches off and she was telling him how much she remembered how much coffee he drank in my house when he went to my house to study for exams during our high school years. She never shut up. She ruined my last visit with my surgeon and best friend of medical school. She also asked him to operate on her. He said I like to be challenged. He took a picture of her. I said “she has done surgery or her booboos three times, her ears once, her face twice, can you imagine the conflict?” He was disappointed I said all those things. In a way she could ruin my friendship with him, but he is a big boy and he can handle her. And make a little money out of her too. But it is frightening to me her desire of interaction with my friend who did free surgery to me.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita
 I feel quite sure the empty part is your own connection to yourself. You probably are  not connected to your feelings and thoughts. You reject yourself at a very deep level, as your NM did. NM's throw all the parts of themselves that they hate on us and THEN decimate us for  having them with ALL the cruelty and ferocity of a lion with prey.
 Our self image is mirrored to us from their skewed view of themselves.  We see ourselves the way  they did down in our deepest selves.
 I think I am changing from a relationship which is mirroring me in a different way.
 As always,reject what doesn't fit.      Ami

[Lupita]

My brother wrote me a letter accusing me of being paranoid. I cannot belive it. The pain is unbareable.
I had hopes in my brother. He is in total darkness. I am so sorry for my self and for him!

[Ami]

The pain IS unbearable ,Lupita. I understand.      Ami

[ann3]

Dear Lupita,

Congratulations on the surgery.  I bet you look beautiful.  It is a blessing that the surgery was safe, successful & free and now you are home:  These are blessings!!  Try to be grateful.  Wow, you are blessed, but you don’t seem to take joy in these blessings.  As you said, you have a good job & your son is doing well & now you look so beautiful:  your glass is half full, not half empty.  I am sorry to be hard on you, but, try to see that your attitude is negative.

I know it stinks to have an N FOO & an NM, but that is our reality. Yes, you can work on the legacy, the aftermath of how the N FOO & an NM have effected you, but, please get some perspective.  

About 2 years ago, I realized I was a drama queen:  I catastrophized things by saying to myself “this is terrible, I will never have this or that, I will never be this or that”.  When I became conscious of my negativity (& that I got my negativity from my N FOO & my NM), I became aware & now, I try to stop it.  Instead of focusing on the bad, I focus on the good.  When I realize I'm being a drama queen, I stop doing it & get some perspective.

These statements reflect your attitude:

“The hole in my heart is to never be filled with anything.”

“The hole is never going to be filled. Never.”

“But still, the hole in my heart will never be filled. “

If you believe that your heart will never be filled, then that will be true.  Your feelings of emptiness are real, but it is your choice as to what you want to do to change that.  

When you have a negative attitude like this, you send a message to your subconscious that you will never feel happy.  Why not try to send a positive message to your subconscious that you can be happy & change your negative self-talk to positive self-talk?  Do you see that your negative self-talk cheats & defeats you?

How about telling yourself that your heart feels empty now, but, by changing your attitude (& maybe working on these issues in therapy), one day, you will feel better & maybe feel that your heart is filled?

I’m sorry to be harsh, but, please realize that your attitude (whether negative or positive) is within your power, choice & control.

[Lupita]

I am sorry that despite that I appreciate your comment and that you took the time to respond, your comments do not make me feel anybetter. It seems like it is raining and somebody who has an umbrella tells the person who is getting wet to be positive.

I even feel lonelier. Like, nobody unerstand what I am suffering.

It feels very sad and lonely!!!!!!!!

[ann3]

Lupita,

I am sorry if my comments make you feel worse, that is not my intention.  But, look at the world today:  many people are unemployed, facing bankruptcy, foreclosure, don't have money for food or rent.  You, thank goodness, do not have any of those problems.  Things are OK for you.  Can you feel happy about that?  Can you look at all the good things in your life and feel happy and grateful about them?

I do understand about having an NM, I had one.  But what can you do about your NM?  You know that you can't change your NM, she's an N.  The only person you can change is you. Let's assume your NM will never change, she will always be an N forever & ever.  Are you going to allow the fact that your mother will probably always be an N destroy your ability to feel happy?  Don't you see that this is your choice?  Maybe you can work on this with a therapist.

I wish you the best.

[Lupita]

It is all about giving up the hope. All about that supid hope that you are going to get some love from a woman who is uncapable to give it.

And knowing what youa re going to get, you still go and get it and still get disappointed because you got what you goy when you already knew you were going to get it.

Give up the hope!!!!!!!!!!! That is the secret.

[Lupita]

I got a new therapist. She is going to give me seven sessions for free.

I told her that my mother overpowers me.

Shes said:

"You allow your mother to overpower you"

I descovered that I become a kid, unprotected kid, when I am with my mother.

That is what I have to work on.

As soon as she said that and I internalized it, I started feeling better immediately. It is like I am not totally powerless. Just do not know how to empower my self to not get affected. She said it is very difficult not to get affected by a parent actions. But it is possible to overcome the upsetness and have a better life.

[Lupita]

But it has nothing to do with the good things you have. Looking at disable poeple does no make you feel better. It is like one person is missing a leg and be happy because another person is missing two legs and one arm. No. The secret is to overcome your own problem.
That is what the therapist said. I agree with her.

[Ami]

I agree, Lupita.
 Your therapist sounds good.Your heart feels understood. That is the key. Trust your heart and follow it with the therapist and life. That is what I am trying to do-- follow my heart.     Ami

[ann3]

"It is all about giving up the hope. All about that supid hope that you are going to get some love from a woman who is uncapable to give it."

Yes, Lupita & telling yourself that you are OK without your mother's validation.

"And knowing what youa re going to get, you still go and get it and still get disappointed because you got what you goy when you already knew you were going to get it."

Yes, exactly.

"Give up the hope!!!!!!!!!!! That is the secret."

Yes, give up the hope that your mother will validate you or that your mother will change.

"But it has nothing to do with the good things you have. Looking at disable poeple does no make you feel better. It is like one person is missing a leg and be happy because another person is missing two legs and one arm. No."

I don't completely agree with you here.  I'm not saying we should be cheerful, happy idiots:  "I live in a nice house & have a good job and THEREFORE, I should be happy".  No, I'm not saying that.

What I am saying is that when I feel down & depressed, I look at all the good things in my life, I do an inventory:  what is not working for me, what is working for me.  When I realize that I am doing somethings right & that somethings are working for me, I feel better because I have perspective:  There are some things in my life that are good and there are some things that are not good, so how can I improve the not so good things?

 "The secret is to overcome your own problem."  
That is right.  And, sometimes, it's difficult to figure out which are my problems that ONLY I can fix and which are SOMEONE ELSES'S problems that ONLY THEY can fix.  For example: that your mother treats you badly, that is HER problem.  That you're mother upsets you, that is a problem which only you can resolve.

For me, it makes me feel better when I remind myself that I have a job, I'm not in bankruptcy or foreclosure & I have all my limbs.  I Thank Gd for these blessings & I am grateful for all the good things in my life.

[lighter]

I wonder if there's some little popping sound when one gives up hope.

Something tells me it's a fluid sea change that comes and goes....

morphs in and out of understanding, eventually lingering without extended periods of absense.

Round and round until one's bored with thinking about it and no mystery remains.

Then, all the sudden, one day you aren't traumatized any more.

And you're shocked by that.

All the pain and suffering is overtaken, however slowly, by acceptance and relief (you might have seen coming if it didn't hurt so darned much.)

But it does and that's human.

There is no earthly reason, that makes any sense, for a mother not to love her deserving child. 

I take that back, the only reason that makes sense is bc she absolutely couldn't help herself.

She couldn't do any better, or she would have.

Just keep working on giving up hope, Lupe.

One day, we'll have a bonfire and the Amazons will gather in honor of your freedom from the past.

I promise (((Lupita)))


 

[Lupita]

For the first time I am greiving my loss. I just did not know why I was so sad. Now I know. I am sad because it is like somebody died. I do not have a mother and I never will. That is acceptance of something I do not have and never had. That is a loss. I am mourning the loss.

That is why I am so sad, I just did not know.