Update. Learning everyday.

[Lupita]

Hi dear friends. I had a sad experience but very helpful and teaching and learning experience.
First day of surgery. My doctor told me that I should nto sweat. My town is 100 F with no air condition in my mother's. My sis in low asked me to stay in her house where she has AC. I accepted. My mother got so mad that she started telling me horrible thinmgs. She threaten to kick my friend W from the house and to tell me that my sis in low was tired of me, bla bla..... I got so upset, (fell in the same trap I fell 30 years ago)... that I took seven sleeping pills. As a result, a surgery that should have been 4 h was 6 and i had a great hematoma, the anestesia was not working correctly and I was moving a lot, but anyway, god took care of me. My doctor did everything correctly and I am fine, with a little pain and a lot of sadness, but with much more understanding why I need to disconnect from my mother.
My doctor who knows me since we were children told me when he took som,e stitches out yesterday. "You are the scape goat in your family" You are a text book case.
My borther charged me money for the electricity for the use of the ac. I do not mind.
The doctor told them about the coimplications and nobody cared. My doctor told me that he was very sad that my family did not care about me.
My mother kept telling my ugly things on the phone and I told myh brother and my brother told me to please not to be looking for a fight.
Every time my mom calls I pass the phone to my sister in low and she takes care of her. She is not tellinmg me ugly things anymore.
I had nightmares with clowns that were diceaving people and bombarding the beach with pieces opf glasses that could hurt people.
At this moment I am tired to sleep in a hamac and I need to go to a hotel even if it is chip. My friend W is willing to pay half of it if we go to a hotel. Still I want to sepnd a few days in my mother's house. Just three.
Two more weeks and I will be back home, what is my home now, the USA, with no pain and no stitches and a free surgery from my best friend doctor who did a wonderful job and I look like 15 YO.
I finally accept that my moither will never love me. My borther will never love me either. My sister is a zomby and I have no family for moral support.
I finally accept that I have to move on.

Yesterday i had an appointment with the doctor to rmove some of the stitches. My sis IL was going to take me but my borther made her go to a meeting where she was not really needed. I had to take a bus. I could have called a taxi but believe it or not I did not think of it. I took the bus. But God was so good to me, that God produced a rain that lowere the temperature and I got in one of thjose rare busses which havd AC, and the walk was perfect after the rain with a wonderful temperature that did not sweat. My friend W said that things happen for a reason and I needded the walk so much. It was true. The walk took a lot of the swelling off and made me feel so well.

I was blessed yesterday with an independence that gave us the idea to go to a hotel. I am going to love it.

I feel very lonely anyway but not sad anymore.

I wish I could post a picture of my new face. I ma the same l;ooking 15 YO. You do not see a swollen 51 YO. You see a child swollen. I look incredible.

Love to yuo all.

[Lupita]

I am upset that after all the damage my mother has done to me, all my life, I still want to spend three days with her when i SHOULD not spend any. That is why I have perpetuated the abuse with my mother and other people too. I wish I had the courrage to cut her off my life once and for all.

My mother is targetting my soister in low and my nbephew now. The nephew is insulting his mother constantly and my borther allows it. It is crippy. If my sil buys bells she buys bells, if my sil puts flowers in her garden she puts flowers in her garden.

It seems like myh mother is competeing with my sil as a woman, not even as a mother. My brother is so stupid. I feels o sad. But not very sad, I kind of getting free, but not really free yet.

[sKePTiKal]

Lupita - I'm glad you're recovering well and I hope that you're very happy with the results!

Thought I'd share this:
When I made my trip to the midwest to deal with estate/business matters, my Mother didn't know I was expected. I intentionally wasn't even going to be in that town. But by coincidence, I did end up there. My mother convinced me to go visit her. She works in a greenhouse and when I showed up - she said:

Can I help you?

She didn't even recognize me, when I got out of the rental car. It was a funny feeling; not really bad or painful or sad...
more like "it finally happened"... like reality fell into place - kachink! - for both of us at the same time and it was the first time we both experienced the same reality (she doesn't know me). Very odd.

If you visit your mother - I hope it's not too awful. It sounds like she's winding up to play the same FOO script out of beating up the scapegoat yet again. Please think twice about whether you're up to that, after your surgery. It must've felt good that your doctor recognized the situation for what it is and wasn't buying into the "blame Lupita" games.

[Gaining Strength]

"I wish I had the courrage to cut her off my life once and for all."

You do - it is just down right difficult/painful.

[Lupita]

I refuse to lose my nieses, my cosins, my roots, my origin.

I think there has to be a way that my mother does not hurt me. I have to have a protectr barrier against her. I will go again to therapy as soon as I go back to USA.

I can detach. I will let her know in a way that she cant hurt me no more.

I am mad because I fell again the day of the surgery and that I couls have died and nobody cared.

Why do I want thier love. They donot deserve me.

[Lupita]

Why do I want to be with people who have abused me so much.

My molther only wants to do something with me if somebody else wants it. if I am alone she does not want to do anything with me.

Dr. Phill THAT IT IS LIKE a dog who has a bone and the bone is there all alolne and all abandoned. He does not want to eat his bone unless another dog wants the bone too. It is a very characterisits trait of narcissism.

My mother is so narcissistic, she is so transparant.

She thought that she was going to be left alone with me in the recorering room. Hell no. I got my sis in L and my friend W to stay with me and she had top go home. She said that it was very huimilliating. I am so sorry.

I do not want to be left alone with a mother who has told me that my death would end her pain. She is so stupid.

At least I do not bring the rope so she can hang me. Which I did all myh life.

[sKePTiKal]

Ah... Lupita.

We all want love; it's a reflex, I think - like breathing. And of course, we want our parents love more than anyone else's.

Not all parents can live up to their basic obligation to some or all of their children.

It wasn't anything you did - or anything about you. You're just fine. It's just life.

Good on you for finding a way to protect yourself!

[lighter]

Thank God you didn't let your mother stay with you in the recovery room, Lupita.

I hope you don't go back to her house.

Stay in the hotel, with AC is my suggestion.

Hugs to you and remember:

put on your helmet.

Don't let your FOO's hurtful words get in.

Mo2

[Lupita]

Thank you PR, GS, and Mof2, for your responses.

After 12 years of not seeing myu sister, I recieve only a cold hug, with arms totally not touching me, just the tips of her fingers in my back. That is not normal. I know that. After seven years of not seeing my brother, he has not have a single conversation with me. Even that I am staying up until tomorrow in his house, my sister in low's house. He only says hi or good bye, and if I call him, he ignores me. Cold shoulder.

I am so f+@%&ng tired of this irrational rejection!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Why do I need this? I do not need this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The thing is that my sisIL is nice. That means my brother is not telling her to take sides. That is at least something good. My neisce is nice too. So, they are not being told to give me the cold shoulder.

So, my brother has mixed feelings about me.

My sister is totally empty, there is nothing inside her. Her daughter, is nice to me too. But is not allowed to talk to me in the abcense of my sister or my mother. She is adorable. I am so sorry that she will not get to have an ice cream with me, or me to be able to pamper her, to buy her a toy, to spoli her a little.

My step father is just like my friend W. He does whatever my mother says and he gets mad at whoever my mother is mad.

My mother is imitating my sisIL all the time. If she puts bells in her house she does too, if she puts plants in her house, she does too. It is crippy. My mother acts not as an overprotecting mopther but as a jealous lover. I am so sick of it.

My nephew is all the time talking to my mother. He is becoming like her. It is so sad.

I do not know what part of my evolution is this, but I am certain I am not going backwards. It is just that my steps are very short and slow.

I do not knoe if I need detachment, or indifference or both.

As much as I dislike my step father's p[ersonality, my friend W is just like him. Jujst thet he is nice to me. My step fatehr which is my age is not nice to me. My friend W is nice to me. My friend W is old 63 YO. So, My mother is with a younger man and I am with an older man.

I would like to buy a piece of property here and retire here in 15 years. I do not want to lose my connection with this land.

Why do I haVE to go NC? What can I do????????????????????/

[Ami]

Oh ((Lupita))
 The NM is SOOOOOOOOOOO bad.         Ami

[Hopalong]

Why do I haVE to go NC

?

So you can learn what happiness is, what peace is, Lup...

Or, you can spend the rest of your life feeling bruised.

I think you deserve to learn what happiness is.

But I don't think you can do it while you stay attached to your relatives.

love
Hops

[Lupita]

I am still very swollen. Some stitches have been removed. Today, I combed myu niesce's hair. I loved it. I put some pens that I brought from USA on her hair and she loved it. I tralked to my other niesce and we celebrated her 17th birthday. I visited myu sister in low and inflated baloons.

I see the cathedral of town from my windows. I am not ready to lose that.

My mother threw me an ugly look this morning. Usually that put mw in hours of tprture and fear, and axiety. This time I felt nothing.

I combed my niesces hair and put pens in her hair. She loved it.

I am not ready to lose that.

I cant go NC.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita
 I think facing reality about our NM's is really Hell. I am trying to do that ,too.
 On another subject, my friend just got a Lifestyle lift face lift. Have you heard about this? She did not get general anathesia(sp?) just local and it took only two hours. 
        Ami

[Lupita]

Lifestyle is just half the problem. I got it all taken care.


No, I am not ready to disconnect from everything of my past. I think I will never be.

I am going to the beach today, to eat fried fish with my sis in L and of course my mom is all mad because I am going out with the enemy.

At least I am not sad today. Jus a little.

[Ami]

I  think that we are  emotionally compromised b/c we will not face  HOW ugly they were. Alice Miller says this,in so many words. We can't face the horror of how they feel about us and how they treat us. We would rather think we were bad than to  face the motherlessness. I think this is true for me.
 If I blame myself, then I have hope that she can change if only *I* were better.
 I think that this is my problem.   
   Ami