My Truth

[Meh]

I wonder if people who have voicelessness have a stronger sense of justice, moral obligation.

I often notice how easy it is for people to do things that seem wrong to me, I struggle with it in my head and I usually don't do the wrong.

Maybe a stronger sense of this because voiceless people have been wronged themselves.

[Meh]

My flesh is made out of clay

I'm a lump, my internal furnace is dim, I'm heavy, my ass is too familiar with this chair.

[Meh]

I feel stuck, god, get me unstuck

I get angry at myself for being depressed, mostly the physical symptoms of depression.
I feel anger at my lack of energy and motivation because I have a need to use my time purposefully.

Did I take my antidepressants?

What day of the week is this? I lose track, it's not important because I have nowhere to go and nobody to meet.

If I stop thinking about my depression will it go away. Is my depression 100% due to social isolation.
My sleep schedule is screwed up, it doesn't matter when I'm awake or asleep.

Do I just make some decisions.
I will feel better if I do something.

[Meh]

What if I can't give love?

I know that I can believe in people, I have done that for a friend with great results. I know that I'm not emotionless. I know that I care a lot, maybe too much sometimes. I do feel another person's pain.

The thing is, that post that came up about "preciousness", I draw a blank, My mind does not have this in there.
I'm worried that I don't know how to be tender or to see preciousness.
I see how easy it is for some people to give love, they do things that I in a million years would never think to do or know to do.
I feel envious, like I'm not a complete person because I don't know how to do that.

I'm eatting dried cheerios out of my fist, looking out at the rain, telling myself that I'm getting fatter by the second.

I'm not really overweight, but I have gained weight for the first time in my life. It does not feel good on my body, I feeling like I've got blubber on my torso.

[Meh]

If I was living the life I wanted what would it look like?
I don't know, something new.

I don't think an enlightened witness is going to come into my life, that sounds like waiting for the knight in shining armor.
I can't just wait. I've been waiting my whole life.

I've been waiting my whole life for my life to become real.

[Meh]

I just don't feel like trying. I want to go back to bed. Maybe my bed is like the baby monkey's surrogate mother.

I'm dissappointed.

I feel weak for having depression. I feel ashamed of having depression. I know that at this point it is socially ok to talk about depression, well at least sort of.

I'm angry at myself for not cleaning up.

I want to go hiking but I can't get up there, no car.

I'm telling myself to go for a walk in the rain, somepart of me says "NO it's cold and wet".

I'm so angry, so angry at myself. Because I don't feel the way I think I should feel.

Ok, here is my plan, I'm going to get a cup of coffee and walk in the rain. Yuck. I'm picturing that. Maybe the rain won't feel as bad as I'm imagining it will.

[Meh]

I wish someone would come over and hug me and pat my bed-hair down, and take me out for burritos.

Did you see the "Sex in the City Movie" where she is depressed and her friends actually care.

Why does that just happen in movies or other people's lives. It make me ask myself (in my gut I know it's wrong), yet I ask myself maybe I am that bad person, that story that was made up and put on me.

My hair is a mess, I just looked in the mirror, it looks like a beaver dam. Oh well, at least I can still laugh at myself.

I'm eatting some weird cheese directly out of a container with the 1 clean spoon in my kitchen.


I like this idea more then anything else I have put on here, it is the tenderness I would give to myself if I could. I would hug myself and then take me out of this place.

Some people have friends that do that, why don't I, I must be bad, and so goes the thinking.

I would do it for a friend. Why am I so valueless. I can talk myself into believing I am valuable or important in some way but deep down I think I don't believe it. I feel a little bit of cry in my chest for writing that. I'm so confused, do I avoid these feelings. Do I try to dig them out and cry so that I feel something. I've heard depression defined as DEPRESSING something, depression of emotions, pushing them down keeping them down. I don't get it. It's doesn't make sense to me. Oh someone help.  

If I start crying my neighbors will hear me, they allready are suspicious of me.

I want to ask for someone to help me, but there is no one, and there is nothing they can do. My depression is my own mystery.
I almost do want to be medicated like crazy, give me a "dump the garbage pill" and the "I'm better then you pill"
I also want the "I deserve it pill" and the "I can brush my hair pill" I can type, obviously I can brush my hair.
It's THAT I DON'T F*CKING CARE ABOUT MYSELF. That is what is happening. I have internalized that I should just dissapear of the face of the earth, and if I'm not on the face of the earth then what does it matter if my hair looks like feral dog. I'm laughing.
I see can see humor in self deprecation and sick and twisted stories. That says a lot.

I've been depressed for well over a year, Am I going to be depressed my whole life.

A moment of silence in the city has come and gone...here comes a car....

I feel like I need that kind of silence for a while, outside of the city, outside of the problems.

Just take me beyond me for a little while, so that when I come back to me I know that I have been somewhere good and peaceful.

[Meh]

I'm considering the idea of "Mindful depression"
I should just write an f'ing book I seem to love seeing myself write so much. I know I'm not a Nar. (But I do ask myself)
I'm just trying to find myself in between all my words.

[Meh]

Did anyone see the Golden Compass Movie?

There was something in there that creatively demonstrated a feeling I have sometimes.
It was not a great movie, but it would be worth seeing just for this one thing.

The characters had these sort of spirit animals that would follow them everywhere. The spirit animals attacked other character's spirit animals. It reminded me of what if feels like to be around a Narcissist. Sometimes it feels so covert, it hurts but they don't even have to do anything to make it hurt, it's just their minds or something that can attack on a different level.

If you have ever had a hard time explaining what covert attack feels like then see this movie.

[Meh]

Why do I have to endure this life. Why is my consciousness in this body, why this one, why not a better one.

Why was I chosen to suffer. I find zero meaning in the meaningfulness of life.

There is no meaning.

I have a headache, this is the plan, get Tylenol, get coffee, get walking, get food, make food, watch movie, go back to sleep.

God strike me down. Whatever that means just run me the fuck over.

[Meh]

Fuck this post.

[Ami]

Hi ((((Helen)))
Just want to say that I am here and I care. I hear the cry of your soul. My soul cried for so long and now I AM healing. There is hope for the lonliness, the emptiness, the "who am I?", the "will I ever feel whole?"
 I think I have hope. I struggle as you can see if you read my posts but I think life does have those things we want so badly-- beauty, hope and love.
         Love   Ami

[Ami]

Going to sleep. Don't give up,((( Helen))))!  Sometimes that is all you can do. It is so much and it is enough!       Love   Ami

[Meh]

Hi, Ami,

Thank you, that is very sweet of you. I finally got out of the home today and got a cup of coffee, a bottle of Ibuprofen, walked around the neighborhood, grocery shopped, made a nice meal, took some vitamins. On my walk I saw little hummingbirds and listened to the noises they make. I looked at the waves in the lake. I see the beauty.

I believed in love, from my teens up through my 20's, now I'm in my 30's and I don't believe in it anymore, I'm not trying to be contrary here, it's just that the disillusion of thinking I know someone and finding out that the person is not what they seem.

There were times when I do think I cultivated some internal love but it was so hard, ,my body always wants to revert to what it knows best...the lack of love.

Without love, there is no hope. Well I still have beauty.

It would be one thing if it was a few bad things, I could handle that but it just seems like so many. Too many straws on the camels back. That's what it feels like. OVERWHELMED, that's the word.

I feel overwhelmed because I have a need for help, a need for not having to do it all alone.

[Meh]

I'm replying to myself again....

I'm realizing all of the things that I simply don't talk about because these things don't make sense to talk about. I guess it's embarrassing. I feel shame because it confirms that my life is pitiful and it is associated with the idea of being crazy.

I talk to myself outloud as if there is another person there, I know that I'm doing this. Usually I know that I'm doing it. I don't do it all of the time. I actually did it one time when my mother was at my place and I didn't realize I was doing it until she asked me who I was talking to.

I don't have voices in my head, I'm not schizophrenic. I told a therapist. The therapist didn't seemed to think it was a big deal.

Maybe it just means that I'm really lonely.

There, I wrote it, I talk out loud to people who don't exist. I guess I make small talk with myself.