I'm imagining that the Rev. saw me glowering and crossing my arms and zoning out at her speech and I'm imagining that she interprets that to mean I especially need to learn how to say "I'm sorry". Oh Grrrrr. Now this is just what is going on in my mind but there have been real experiences where this sort of thing happens where a person could not be more off in their interpretation of me.
This stood out for me. I suppose that many parts of you feel that you've been denied an apology - and the list of apologies could go on & on. An apology is a validation of our human-ness; that we have feelings too; that the apologizer is sorry for grief, hurt, insult or injustice that they are responsible for and that the being sorry means that you are important; you matter; they care about you.
Being denied the apology - or even a recognition of the misdeed by the wrongdoer - that "denial"... can surely cause one to be very, very angry in a lot of different colors, gradations, and intensities. It's a curse, in a way - one still pays the price, bears the burden, suffers the self-limitation and agony of SOMEONE ELSE'S wrongdoing - by carrying around anger about things that one can not change. We can't change it because the other person isn't rational - they're still denying any wrongdoing.
So, we can't change that person. (I'm dubious that they are even capable of conscious change.) But we can change ourselves. While each of those things on that "list" of wrongdoing needs to be identified, explored, and mined for understanding... which brings it into the rational, conscious realm out of unconscious or emotional being... once we've studied it in detail... then we can decide if it belongs to the past: past you, past Nmom, past life, past history. Then it becomes a plain old fact, like "The war of 1812 took place in 1812" or "I had a perm, once, with bangs." Once something on the list becomes a fact, the curse begins to be broken... the anger begins to loosen it's hold on you, and you are free - free to feel other things. Living well and being happy, btw... is the best "revenge". Drives Ns so bonkers they chase their own tail endlessly, in frustration... because you're not playing their game anymore.
And that becomes even more possible and delightful, when we realize that other people aren't going react and respond to us, like Ns did. Rather than holding us accountable for their wrongdoing - or even misunderstanding us - they will own their own "stuff" and beyond not blaming us for it... will respond positively and caringly. Like the people watching you practice tai chi in the park:
they may very well be intrigued, fascinated, and would love to ask you about it... but don't want to interrupt you. They might feel like they are intruding... trespassing.
But I'm no pollyanna. I know there are plenty of people caught up in denial and blame - it's a bigger epidemic than swine flu will ever be. And it causes WAAAAAYYYYY more damage than anyone could measure. So then, the question becomes how to tell them apart? How do we know that others see us for who we really are and not just how we appear to be? How do we know when they are being authentic with us? That we can trust them?
I'm a co-conspirator in a Nar persons low self esteem. I help them feel good about themselves by feeling bad about me.
This is brilliant, Helen. You've summed up the "problem" perfectly. Now that you see this - with your laser vision - you have the power of choice. In any situation, with any person. Not that it's easy or automatic just because you see this. There's more to learn about this - and I think we're all practicing, all the time - sometimes we make mistakes, but it's not the end of the world or a life sentence... the power of choice keeps it from being that. Life gives us plenty of opportunities to practice.
I never got to say goodbye to her, I think this is a big deal, I never got to express to her how important she was to me.
Oh my dear... I'm teary right along with you! I too, have lost people like this. People who have made a bigger difference for me, than they could ever, ever know. Substitute moms... some of them. Their small acts of human kindness were the candle in a terribly long, dark night for me. So I tell them - now. I tell them often. I tell them how much it meant. How much I loved them. There is healing, in a mysterious undescribeable way, in that.
And you are already healing... you are neck deep in the process... it won't be long now.
Love,
