Fear of intimacy

[Ami]

I have a fear of intimacy..both intimate..intimate...my husband would definetly agree with this. I do have a personal fear on intimacy. I can talk to somene who I really don't know and they are at a arms length..they are only given basic information, nothing too deep. I don't knwo you ladies, but am getting to know you but its different because of the subject I feel I can be honest and share. there is a difference. But if you met me on the street and you would think I was a different person, not mean, or dishonest, just people wouldnt know me personally. And if there was ever a chance to meet any of you..oh my..the anxiety that i would feel, because i can feel it just thinking about it, thinking, would i be good enough in person for you guys... But then like my therapist says it is like group, you meet some one and you might connect, you get ideas you like, you use the ideas you can use and the ideas you can't leave behind.

Dear rugrats
  I was talking to my guitar teacher, my normie, about this yesterday. He says that he feels nervous about being accepted when he goes out, too. He had it all, football star, musician, handsome, smart(out the whazoo). *I* know what you mean about fear with people.
 For me, I think  that if I am not perfect--- my true BAD self will slip out and people will hate me.
  Last night, I went out to dinner and was  more relaxed . I think I am seeing, slowly ,that my kid self, deep self is maybe just human.Keep writing, Sweetie.                 xxooo     Ami

[Sealynx]

For me the fear of intimacy is about remaining authentic in relationship to someone. I was left alone much of my childhood and have spent many years alone with my writing, art and pets. I have often asked myself why anyone would want to know me or be a close friend. Often the answer is that they want to know an artist or like my sense of humor and there are always those who just want to see me when they are in crisis because I am so good at talking people through a crisis. The later are the same people who never call me for that trip to the beach or movie with a group. I'm just to "deep" to bring along or perhaps they would rather leave the memory of their troubles behind.

It isn't easy to get to know the real me, partially because at some point I always intuit what someone wants and be that out of shame or feelings that the real me, which takes time to emerge in a relationship (I have to find it first) isn't even being looked for by the other person. There is also a big disconnect between the competent assertive personality I show to the world and the shy inner self who wants time to get know someone and has too often seen them walk away just when it was sure enough of itself to speak those words of love. I think I have a very different time table for intimacy than most folks and part of the process invovles undoing the other person's presumptions about who I am and what I feel.

[Hopalong]

I'm  not as scared as I used to be, but I think that's because I really have let it go. I don't expect anything to happen. It might, might not, and life just got bigger than my fantasies, which I'm ultimately glad about.

In my most recent "boyfriend" thing...which ended for sensible reasons and for which I grieved like mad but this time only for a couple weeks, not months or worse (tremendous progress!! and we're still good friends, which I never knew how to transition to before) -- I remember he said on one of our first outings something like, "Isn't it great, we don't have to worry about stuff like getting married..."

With no planning and with confidence (qualifies as a miracle) I immediately said:
"Speak for yourself! I'm DYING to get married! I want to marry again and I want somebody to absolutely adore me and I want the happiest relationship ever!"

It was funny, we both laughed, but I remember thinking how GOOD that felt--to just tell the truth and not try to suppress or disguise or maneuver.

After all, I never said I wanted to marry HIM. (I'm still open to meeting Mr. Wonderful, but not "trying".)

Hops

[Meh]

Thanks for sharing Hops. 

[Portia]

think you have come a long way from your family, Portia!                              xxxooo     Ami

I think so too Ami....I was checking my description back there, and thought it wasn't really all like that. I remember: lots of silly quips and jokes, childish laughter. There was humour, but it was 'telling jokes' humour, sarcasm etc at a very low level. I know several people who seem to think that relating is about coming out with what they see as a 'smart' comment in response to every conversation starter. Being serious isn't allowed. I guess it makes them too afraid. They're very boring and tiring to be around. I'm talking about the same old things, I know I am.Too many years of the living dead! There's more emotional intensity in the eyes of my neighbour's cat.

[Ami]

think you have come a long way from your family, Portia!                              xxxooo     Ami

I think so too Ami....I was checking my description back there, and thought it wasn't really all like that. I remember: lots of silly quips and jokes, childish laughter. There was humour, but it was 'telling jokes' humour, sarcasm etc at a very low level. I know several people who seem to think that relating is about coming out with what they see as a 'smart' comment in response to every conversation starter. Being serious isn't allowed. I guess it makes them too afraid. They're very boring and tiring to be around. I'm talking about the same old things, I know I am.Too many years of the living dead! There's more emotional intensity in the eyes of my neighbour's cat.

Dear Portia,
 Explain what you mean, more, if you could. Maybe I am being dense but am not sure what you are saying. Thanks, Portia.         Ami

[Portia]

I doubt you're being dense Ami! I'm simply amazed by what I now see as The Living Dead, compared to what I thought it was growing up. I thought relating was about smart-alec meaningless quips. Many people from where I grew up are like that. Many still are.

As for the dead eyes, with nothing behind them...yes, i reckon the cat's eyes contain more, they transmit more.

Hope that helps, if not, well, nothing lost i don't think. Thanks Ami.

[Ami]

I doubt you're being dense Ami! I'm simply amazed by what I now see as The Living Dead, compared to what I thought it was growing up. I thought relating was about smart-alec meaningless quips. Many people from where I grew up are like that. Many still are.

As for the dead eyes, with nothing behind them...yes, i reckon the cat's eyes contain more, they transmit more.

Hope that helps, if not, well, nothing lost i don't think. Thanks Ami.

Maybe , you are talking about people who are not "there",cut off from their feelings. I think I am just starting to feel. I wrote Alice Miller a letter and her answer was "When you can start to feel, you will know what to do." Isn't that profound. I am starting to feel,now AND starting to know what to do.
 I see what you mean about Living Dead. I think it is people really shut down. Do you think that?            Ami