Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Whities H--a whole,long ,big story. Do you have time?  Whitie can't see it clearly ,even now. I guess she will just  tell it. If you think Whitie is bad, so be it.
 Whitie started out good. She married young, got a Masters right after marriage, put her H's career first because  that was how you do it. Four years later she had kids.  They bought a house. She was a good enough housekeeper, not that great.
She was a good mother,maybe very good. She grew up when she knew other humans needed her.
Now, the hard part. I may come back later for this part. I think I will.


Whitie was bad before she met her H. She was a ghost, wind blowing through the sides. She wasn't right. She had been hit over the head with a two by four ,too many times.
 So, a Whitie waiting for someone to take care of her. Yes, that was how it started. I can't blame him for all when I was the other half.


So much sadness. Whitie  wants to cry. This story is not gonna come out easy.

[Ami]

Whitie's H--I will begin there.
 His family was a horror show .
 One day Blackie told them to F off.
 She had good kids, loving, humble, not in trouble.
  She tried to get out of her marriage after the first child  but her mother pushed her back.
  She couldn't do it.  That is the truth,no glossing over it.
  How did she feel about her H?
   It was  entangled with who she was.
.Yeah, I am seeing the shape of it


All the selves, take them one by one.Be honest.
Ok-- the terrified self  could not make a mistake. . That one had to look good even if the place was on fire.She put on her make-up before evacuating.
 The lazy self-- She did not want to work 24/7 with kids, a house, a job, kids , a house, a job------ over and over .She was lazy, end of story.
 The spoiled self--this goes with the lazy one. She wanted to buy things. OK--I look horrible. It is like confession. What good would it do to lie?
 The conventional one --she wanted to be accepted as a person who made the "right" choices and  life worked out. This one cared about the outside more than the inside.Her motto was "If you LOOK good, you are good "
 The prideful one---this one wanted to look LIKE her life worked so other people would think she was successful.

I feel awful writing these things. Am I being too real? Probably

There are other ones:
 The abandoned child--this one wanted a mother in a husband.
 The incompetent one--this one would crash and burn on her own.
  The dependent one--this one wanted to be someone's appendage. She did not want to stand up and be counted.If she failed, it was not her fault but the other person's. I KNOW!!!!
 The alone one--this one HAD no family to fall on and she needed one. It was that simple. She needed a family to help her get out of her marriage and when they wouldn't, she stayed.
  

God, that hurt!



 


 

 

 
 


 
 

[Ami]

Whitie wants to climb under the rug ,having her weak pitiful life out there.Well, that is  Whities recollection and until new information presents itself, it is 'Why Whitie stayed?"
People ask abused woman this question all the time. There really is no good answer but that was  Whitie's.


White feels horribly shamed because of this marriage. She almost can't breathe or write about it. She wanted to tear the words off the page as if Whities shame was spread out there for others to gawk at and judge.
Whitie made choices based on faulty premises and they blew up and up and up and  out to Heaven,but really Hell.
Whatever good Whitie got in finances, she paid for with all a person has that matters.

Maybe the shame Whitie feels is not the shame of the marriage but what Whitie has become. Blackie would have gotten out right away but Whitie was compliant , especially after she had kids.
 Whitie could not do it. She couldn't .What can I say? Whitie didn't have the strength.

She stayed for some  good reasons, too. She didn't want different fathers for children, step fathers, step mothers, complications and complications. Once she realized she made a mistake, she tried to get out but couldn't so tried to stay.  That doesn't make her bad.
Her thinking was not right.
Maybe, White just had bad thinking but was not BAD.
Maybe , Whitie was just lost, not BAD.
Maybe BAD was just from a sick ,dumb person, her Mother.

[Meh]

XOXOXOXOXOXOX
((((((( AMI ))))))))
XOXOXOXOXOXOX

[Ami]

Thank you, ((((Helen)))) That was sweet and NEEDED.                                                               Ami

[Ami]

 Whitie has a short repertoire of feelings ,noble,  giving , caring, sweet.
 Whitie is good.What can I say?
 She,also, is tired a lot.
 How does she feel about her H?
 How is she supposed to feel about him?
 That is what she would think even if she were afraid to tell you.
 How should I feel?
 She doesn't know.
 How do you  go about feeling, anyway?
 What if your feelings are buried so deep that you don't know what they are?
 Could that happen?

How does she feel about her mother? father? Her feelings  are a nest of rattlesnakes if you have ever seen nests of snakes . They lie on each other in a huge pile, GROSS !
 She last remembers feeling when she was 13. After that, Whitey became frozen. She just didn't WANT to let BAD out and everyone would hate her.


If you ever read Lonesome Dove, a man gets killed by a nest of water moccasins.  I wish I never read it.He was stung and stung and stung until he died. They came up from nowhere in the murky water.
 That is what my feelings feel like--a nest of snakes, ugly, ugly. They are squished together in my stomach in a HUGE pile. I feel sick even talking about them.  


 

[Ami]

Somewhere, someplace Whitie has a sense that maybe she has been seeing life with a giant  lens entitled BULLSHIT.
  It is outstandingly mind boggling.
 In Primal Therapy, they take you back to where you lost the true self and became a false self. The person evaporates in a kind of way and then emerges as a new self, the self without the structures(distortions) that kept it built up, an edifice from Hell.
 Whitie knows Hell.
 Maybe every person has put their toe ,or more, in to Hell.

[Ami]

People tell Whitie ,feelings are neither  good or bad but she doesn't believe it.She just feels so damn BAD. She would like to wear a summer dress  like the ones you see on girls running in the fields ,long hair flowing.  She would be running, too.
 The heavy clothes would be left on the bed in a pile with the feelings that have no bottom and the shame that has no top but today is not that day.There are  layers and layers of clothes and Whitie is sitting on the top.


 

[Ami]

Today is drinking day i.e.  the social group. Whitie has a  beer called Ruination.  Blackie says that it will put hair on your chest. Blackie usually has on  a low cut top and people  look at her chest and laugh .
Blackie has a good sense of humor, not too much. Whitie cringes sometimes but what is life if you can't take a chance or two?
 What's the worst that happens ; you bomb. Blackie has done it many times.You graciously ask forgiveness ; usually the person complies. Sometimes they hate you, forever. That has happened to Blackie on a joke or two but HOW solid could the relationship have been if one  joke screwed it up.
 Some of the women want to be Whities friend. Whitie has a big cringe inside but smiles and says,"SURE".
Yeah,  Whitie will figure how to get out of it later.

 

[Ami]

Whitie's life has been her mother, her mother until Whitie wants to throw up , let alone make  everyone else. She lost her last  friend cuz he gave her the Eagles song," Get Over It."
 She left  because she couldn't get over it.   I don't buy the "You want to be a victim "shit. You don't .
 You get beaten and beaten until you BELIEVE them, GET IT!
 Whitie has heard enough of that crap to barf ,herself.
 
 

[Ami]

 Whitie was a Siamese twin with her mother, connected by the heads, the worst kind. They usually can't operate and if they do, one is usually mentally handicapped.
  How to get out ?
 I don't know , other than telling.
 Do you tell memories , thoughts, feelings?
 Probably feelings.
 I feel frozen to even SAY a feeling about my M. If I say hate, I feel guilty, electric chair guilty.
 If I say love, I feel angry, high heat angry.
 Feelings for a M are complex, especially when you have Whities mother.
 She thinks her M loved her. She doted on her ,in ways, but her M  raged if her own needs weren't met by a tiny Whitie.
  That messed Whitie's nervous system up good.
  She  is a wreck, nervous system wise.
  She jumps at tiny sounds.
 Can rats change after they have Learned Helplessness? Whitie doesn't know. Are they doomed ,forever to be stuck in the cage with the door open  ?


Enough for today. Whitie  needs  rest.Whitie is going on a retreat in 2 weeks to find God's love. That would be the rest,if there is any.
Whitie is a little cynical, a little hopeful.  Maybe, Whitie has to wait  for Heaven or the Rapture.
 
It would  be so freakin funny if Whitie wasn't bad ?
That would be a bummer and a half that ALL this  was unnecessary.Gag me with a spoon  .


Oh God---What if EVERY person has a little Yorkie  inside protecting it's bone? For some, it could be a Yorkie, for some a Rottie, some a Standard Poodle but they all are dogs, are they not?
 Animals, really, that is the point.
 Maybe Whitie is a Maltese and Blackie is a cross between a Standard Poodle and German Shepherd but so what? Are they NOT all animals   ?
 Lord ,Help me, how could my M have  lived a whole life and been  so stupid?
 

[Ami]

Whitie erased two posts, too much shame. Maybe ,they weren't even bad but Whitie wanted to ask someone and no one  was there ,so what do you do?
Whitie doesn't want to take too big of a chance.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                       Whitie and Hyper-Alert


White got exhausted ,yesterday. Her friend was there and her other friend was gonna call and Whitie had to go out that night. TOO many possibilities for someone to get mad. Whitie has to juggle other's feelings
 Will Whitie ever be in her own space ?

Whitie rushes to and fro with the mantra"If I am  giving, caring, paying attention, very good, sweet, considerate, holy and wise  , no one will get mad at me.
 Once in her job , she lost a part of a machine(down the drain  ). The boss did not even use the machine  much but Whitie  had not made ONE mistake prior to that. She  was counting, not even one.
 
               Whitie and Selfishness

Whitie had a BIG revelation. Everyone is selfish. Her guitar teacher was talking about human nature as if it was actually  a thing. What if Whitie was just HUMAN ? That would be some kind of black humor , the kind where the guy gets killed and it is funny.

[sKePTiKal]

What if your feelings are buried so deep that you don't know what they are?
 Could that happen?

YES. And it doesn't make one BAD and it's not permanent. You can learn to feel again.

[Ami]

What if your feelings are buried so deep that you don't know what they are?
 Could that happen?

YES. And it doesn't make one BAD and it's not permanent. You can learn to feel again.

Thank you, Amber. When Whitie pulls the tack out of her ass and can feel , you ,Helen and I will have a party      Ami

[sKePTiKal]

Maybe Blackie will pull the tack out... just to see what happens...

What would someone who was BOTH Whitie & Blackie look like? Like mashed potatoes... if you blended them... what would stay from each one?