Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

 Last Wed, as Whitie was taking a shower to go  to the drinking group, a huge  hopelessness was on her.  It was like poisonous air, suffocating .
 It felt like a whole body panic attack that was  pulling her down, down.
 She watched as a scientist with a bug and prayed to God .
 As she was driving to the drinking group,she realized that she was already dead so why not take a chance and be real.
 She went to the drinking group with the thought that she would have a self :  be centered in it,  be REAL,  feel REAL, SEE.

[Ami]

Whitie had to be BAD to have a place in the family. Mother had to be GOOD. That was the family rule. You were on your own to salvage your mental health, as best as you could but the unbreakable rule was Mother must be GOOD.

Whitie is seeing more FOO patterns on her marriage. Her H has to be GOOD. Whitie was already BAD by then so it fit.Perhaps, it won't fit anymore.
 After Wed, at the drinking group, some part of BAD died. Whitie is not BAD like she used to be.
 The poisonous depression is gone. 
  More REAL is there.

[Ami]

Whitie hates when she pats herself on the back. Then Mother ,in her head,makes her pay; "What are you so uppity about?"
Whitie wanted to erase the last two entries when she said she was good .
She felt good, confident, hopeful. Then, she questions her right to feel good.
'Whitie, what are you so big about?"
Whitie just bragged that the bad depression was gone and Poof, now it is back.It is strong, poisonous, on her, like fog.
She has to believe that Alice Miller is right. If she keeps feeling the feelings, they will show her the truth.
She has to keep going in to the dark. She is healing, I think.I believe.I hope.


She has goals.Are they too much? She wants to trust herself, respect herself, honor herself, be her best friend, love herself and put that all in a boundary. Does that sound like too much?

[Ami]

It is SO bad when you have to ask s/one else if you have a right to your feelings. "Can I FEEL (fill in the blank) angry, happy, sad, afraid,, joyful.
 You don't even freaking know what you FEEL.
 It is awful. I want to know what I FEEL.
 I want to know all the parts of me, even the BAD ones.
 I don't want to be disconnected anymore.
 I have an abusive H screaming at my door. Is he right, wrong?
Who am I?

[Ami]

What is my life with NO self esteem ?It does not matter where I go, with whom, what I have, how I look, etc, etc if I have no self esteem.
 I want self esteem and   boundaries for it  

[Ami]

I have done so many things in life but not been there.What does it matter if you have a "full "life and you are not in it ? I want to feel REAL and THERE as ME.

[Ami]

This is my goal : feel REAL, see REAL, be THERE . This could be a book title and I could be on the cover with a turban.       

[Portia]

"Put on your mittens".......

"and if you can't find them, your boxing gloves will do". (talking to self?)

feel REAL, see REAL, be THERE

I'm biting! I didn't real-ise before that HERE is simply THERE without the T...............

........exit pursued by a

turban?

Q: career as a professional photographer: I do wonder, are they ever really here? And alllll the ways we 'record' our lives now,with wee camcorders, cameras, phones....and the way we 'pose' our lives for the viewfinder.....are we being 'real'? Or does everyone want to be the star in their own play/movie, surrounded by extras. I would probably rather be the photographer, if I had to choose, but I don't have to choose! My eyes are the viewfinder.

(((((((((Ami)))))))))

[Ami]

Hi Portia
 All the girls are waving  !                                    xxoo  Ami

[Ami]

Whitie  wants to trust her feelings and thoughts .
 She wants to SEE herself, all parts and SEE other people, all parts and then learn how to navigate life.
 She can navigate the Board pretty well. Some people like her, some don't. She can stand up when needed, walk away when needed, use her voice when needed, shut up when needed.
 That is what she wants to do in REAL life.Is that too high of a goal?

[Ami]

If Whitie could navigate REAL life like the Board, she would be happy. You have to be true to yourself. Many people won't like you.
 You have to wake up and go to sleep with yourself . God willing, one of two people will love you on your journey.
 Can you love yourself?  Can you stand alone? Can you look within and find good and bad and see it as human and go on as an expression of you, however failed and flawed?Can you look at your shame ?  You are good and bad.  Own all you are so no one can control you with your  shame.
 I think that is how you lose yourself;trying to manage  shame.

[Ami]

Whitie woke up early with a Mantra:boundaries, boundaries.
She has sexual boundaries.    Her GM taught her those.I bet people have that with emotional boundaries.
 Whitie's emotional boundaries get a D plus.

[Ami]

Boundaries bring up a lot of issues layered and layered like lasagna.Whitie's boyfriend ,in college, used to make a gorgeous  lasagna: olives, ricotta,cream cheese, spinach, hamburger,vegetables,  tomato sauce.
 Whitie's lack of emotional boundaries has about that many layers.

Whitie is seeing that she hates herself. How can you have boundaries around something you  want to punish? It won't work no matter how many books you read .

You can't protect  something you  are rejecting at the same time. It is one step forward and two steps back. That has been Whitie's life.


 

 

[Ami]

The core is the problem. At 14, Whitie rejected herself  and become BAD.
 Life hurts, your very existence hurts. Whitie doesn't want it anymore.
Boundaries won't work when your core is BAD.  You can't powder and dress up  BAD.
 BAD is just distortions, I think. I realized that at 3 AM.  BAD is layers of distortions about all sorts of things:a big pile of slimy,black,writhing , warm  worms .
Inside Whitie is the core of worms . SHE can't even look .How can she expect YOU to make it  right  if she won't even look herself?

[Ami]

She has to look. She has to put on her snorkel mask and brave the water, maybe a scuba tank. Whitie is not the adventurous sort but time is a wasting . Enough life has been given to Mother.
 Parental rights do not include  endless support for a house of cards.