Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Whitie had a bad night's sleep:a combo of  stomach aches and euphoria.
 Her friend sees the real Whitie  under sobbing, hysteria, fears, terror, whining, complaining and all the rest . It must be a love letter from God is all Whitie thinks.
 He says,"Whitie, be your 14 year old self." That is Blackie, more or less.

[Ami]

Why is Whitie's wish list BAD? She wants to be grounded in herself, her feelings, thoughts. She does not want to reject them-- BAD BAD  like rubber stamps from Hell :stamp, stamp, stamp .

[Ami]

Whitie is gonna tell you about the drinking group, last night. Whitie is trying to live in the present, not recycle Mother's thoughts like being on  a gerbil wheel from Hell.
 If Whitie wants to ask something or say something, she does. It is different cuz Whitie is being  true, not the false, perfect self. If Whitie falls flat on her face, her friend will  pick her up so she can chance rejection. She could not chance rejection before cuz she would have rejected herself too badly.I know you understand the shame, Board friends.

[Ami]

Back to last night.
Whitie's H was on a roll ,in the car,on the way to the drinking group. He was "poor me" in the inimitable way that N's have . You get the picture, I am sure.

[Ami]

Whitie had a long day of going forward in the world and little energy. This inflamed him more .Whitie sat there and took it in. It is not about her husband but about how SHE wound up in such a mess.
 Being frozen didn't help her "picker" and so there she sits being harangued by the one who was supposed to be her one and only to have and to hold forever.

[Ami]

When they get there, they see Dependent Girl.  She is an advertisement for 'You teach others how to treat you": a walking chicken waiting to be pecked.
Whitie   makes a  note  to respect herself more.
 Whitie has been pecked for  neediness and does not want to go there again any time soon: no thank you.

[Ami]

Whitie walks to the table and sits next to Jean.Whitie is gonna be real no matter if people like her or not. This false self bullshit has got to go.
 Whitie said she wishes she had Jean's self esteem . Whitie was not sure if she was being too real but all the people at the table stopped their conversation and were looking at Jean and Whitie.
 They all were talking about boring things and so when Whitie and Jean started talking about real things, everyone was interested.
  At that point, Dependent Girl , sitting across the table ,stopped the whole conversation by asking Jean what type of make-up she wore.
 Jean said,"Estee Lauder : I wait to buy it when they have a gift with purchase "

[Ami]

Whitie gave the conversation with Jean and Estee Lauder a break. A man walked over to her.
There was a long history to the relationship. She knew him back in the first wife days,  pregnancies,  affairs,  divorces, terrible fights. Now, he is with wife number Two.
 She was talking to wife number Two, also.

[Ami]

Lisa, wife number two, and Whitie had a long conversation. Whitie is in her real mode so conversations are different than Perfect Whitie.

[Ami]

It was a magical conversation cuz Whitie was where she was. Mother was gone, or partially so. Whitie was observing  life.
Jean gave Whitie a kiss and left. Several girls gave Whitie a kiss and left . Whitie was still talking .

[Ami]

There was a time when Blackie knew how to operate in life. The rules are not that hard if you can see them. If you can't, it might as well be as far as China for how much good it will do you.

[Ami]

Whitie is having a hard day. She knows how someone kills themselves. She is too chicken  but the hopelessness is  bad. She understands Scott. The hopelessness was too much. She gets it. She never blamed him but never really understood .  He is safe. It is OK. She misses him but he would never come back  if he could.

[Ami]

Whitie's husband is pushing her, pushing, pushing.She is too afraid to walk away and staying will kill her. She has no family like her Aunt's kids, no home but this one. Her mind is not right. Lord, it is so painful. Is life just never ending pain? Is it? Is it?
  Lord, if you take me tonight, I will  be happy. I want to be in Your arms.  I want to be accepted  finally, not acting , being good, just me Lord, just me, quiet.

[Ami]

Ray talked about how you could go in the garage , put the car on and fall asleep. Whitie thinks how nice it would be to fall asleep in the car. Maybe, she would be dreaming like the Little Match Girl whose body was found frozen under the window of the warm house .She  was smiling as if she had made it to the warm place.
 Whitie  is not gonna do anything. Her son needs her .  She is just talking.

[Ami]

Her husband is going to the lawyer. It is OK.  She can't take it anymore, the pressure, the pressure, the pressure, be for him, be for him, she has no feelings, is nothing, feels nothing, a big smile, giving, nice, nice.
 It is too much, too much,can't take it anymore.