Blackie/Whitie

[Ami]

Whitie has this horrible habit of her stomach feeling  feelings for her.  When she feels close to someone or afraid or any number of things, her stomach hurts.
 It is some kind of first line of defense thing.
 Whitie has a stomach ache cuz she is being more real.
 When she was real Mother hurt her. "WHO DO YOU THINK YOOOOOOO ARE?
 It cut her down to where it was supposed to. She is still  afraid of those words.

[Ami]

Whitie is coming out of disassociation. She is afraid to SAY it. Mother always hurt her when good things happened. Whitie had to hide them away like a squirrel with nuts .
 Last night, Whitie went out to dinner and met a couple she has known for years. The wife gave Whitie a baby shower.  Whitie's mother came down for it.
 You would think Whitie was a real person with all the real person things she was doing.

[Ami]

Whitie only looked real, though. You know that.
In Whitie's unreal life,she had a good mother  she could call about anything. She called mother every day. It didn't matter that Mother  harangued  Whitie.
 If Whitie was not bad ,mother would not do it . So, Whitie tried to be better.

[Ami]

Whitie made a decision long ago that she could not trust herself and that Mother was good. She made it on a summer night when she was 13.
 She was walking down the street in a beach town. She thought,"IS this right or CRAZY?"
 She decided it was right.
  Then Whitie became  like stagnant waters. Her body grew but she stayed locked in time at 13.
   Her friend says,'Whitie YOU are a teenager." She is,in part, frozen there.

[Ami]

Her friend says'Whitie  has several distinct people(multiple?????).She has a terrified child frozen at an early age She  has a" girls just want to have fun" teen.  The teen can  say "F it".
She has Sane Jane. That was from her G M most definitely.
 She has Mother Teresa but Whitie killed her.  She is the one who has to be perfect.

[Ami]

Why does Whitie have to see life as real at this late date? It just happened that way.  In the hiatus , she found God:small price to pay.
 Yes, she found God when she was in the grasp of NM pushing her down  to insanity.Whitie was a good fighter. I should respect her for that. Even Ray said so, nice life that he had .
 Ray never had to jettison himself. He doesn't get how the mechanism works. How could he?
 I don't understand the black experience in America cuz I never had it.
 It is like that. If you want someone to understand disassociation, they have had to have it.
 The thought hit Whitie that if she EVER gets out, she could help others. She would have to get out first, though.Otherwise, she would not know the way in her true heart.

[Ami]

Whitie is getting  more real every day. She can see herself. You know what is weird?When you don't see yourself you are so used to it that you do not realize you don't.
 Someone would have to have been there to get this.

[Portia]

maybe it was like: everyone else seems solid and you're semi-permeable. How did they get so solid? (because they must have started out like you at some point, right?)
Feel yourself walking this planet 

[Ami]

(((Portia))))
Wouldn't it be wonderful to take your own space and just own it cuz it was your right?  x o x o x o  Ami

[Portia]

It is my right (now) and I do own it. But I know what you mean. I had to fight for it. I also fight to defend it. It's all metaphors, all the time, in our heads - and out of our heads!  x

[Ami]

Whitie has to come and talk. In the old days, when Whitie had a true self, not a fractured one, life was  easier. Whitie's thoughts and feelings were "human"---not BAD.
 She could trust herself.You know what she would give for that now : Millions and Millions and Millions.To be centered in who you are, to know that you are human, to know that your thoughts and feelings are NOT you. Maybe, those are little things to a person whose self did not get fractured but to Whitie they are gold and she is panning desperately .
 She knows what she wants, how it feels. Sometimes, for brief moments, she can get there in the clean, clear air.
 It doesn't last and the smog comes down again and she is gasping for breath.



PS ---Hi (((((Buddy Portia))))))   

[Ami]

Whitie can feel and touch reality sometimes. She can force herself to be in the present moment where the ghosts of M are gone. She can shake herself off and Mother goes with it.
Then she says"How silly ."
 Mother is far away. Why are you still living as if she were near, in your every thought, every word.
 Why?
 It makes no sense.
 Last night, Whitie went to a party. WHY does Whitie have to be the life of the party? Why does she have to be the conversationalist?
 Why does she have to be "on"?
  If you want to be friendly but quiet--isn't that OK?
 I mean----why not?

[Ami]

Whitie TOLD her H she can't have sex just cuz someone wants it. Why is she telling her deepest thoughts to a website?
 She told him that her heart and body must go in the same direction.
 Can you believe life is so whacked that this even has to be said?
 Well ,"Go to the lawyer", she said.

[Ami]

She just can't keep selling herself, little by little, teeny by teeny until you get so small you are a speck .That would be Whitie's other autobiography. "I Got  to a Speck and Dissapeared"
You can have two autobiographies. Different things happen, for Goodness Sake, after you wrote the last one.
 Do you expect life to be  linear or something?

[Ami]

You have to have self respect. Who was the one who sold her the bill of goods that you could take care of Mother for your whole life and have THAT work?
 Not in this universe.
 You have to have self respect or life will teach you hard lessons. Whitie knows of what she speaks on this one.
 Where is Helen? Whitie could get better some day soon and the party will have to be cancelled