((((English))))
I, too, have been where you are. It is extremely difficult to learn about N and all of its ramifications in our lives. The only way that I could cope upon my realization that my mother has been intentionally trying to ruin me since I was an infant was to go no contact. All attempts at confrontation with the NM--whether it be comments about her behavior or explanations about why I don't wish to be near her--have only served to increase her abuse toward me. I have been NC, for the most part, for about two years now. The only contact has been three horrible email messages from her and my guarded responses.
"Medium chill" responses have helped me in dealing with others as well as NM, including NF and GC siblings, etc. I've seen medium chill described here as 1) providing no personal information to Ns, 2) not reacting positively or negatively to what Ns say, 3) smile, nod but stay utterly detached emotionally, and 4) nothing rude but nothing warm either. But, for me to get to this point, I had to go NC for a long time first. My few email responses to my NM have consisted of comments on the weather and neutral news items. That's about it. Nothing of substance and nothing about me. I know that any phone conversations or visits will quickly deteriorate to abuse, attempts at control and severe criticism.
One thing I have also had to watch out for is the NMs desire to ruin me in the eyes of others. It has been my experience that this will never stop and the further I distance my self from NM in all aspects of my social life, work life, neighborhood, etc., the better off I am. I recently relocated to a new state, and I do not even tell people that I have a mother. If someone asks, I simply say she lives out of state, nothing more. I'm even considering "killing her off" in my conversations, ie. "I lost my mother several years ago." Or, "She's no longer with us."
My heart goes out to you. Please stay strong for you and love you--that is crucial.
Joy
