I just left my mother's after spending a few days there for Thanksgiving visiting relatives. She and my aunt are both N's and it is hard to explain to someone who hasn't been there how hard it is to go days without even a slight sharing of emotion. The short attention span (virtually nonexistent) for anything that isn't somehow connected to them and the negative comments that rain down in the form of "their (unsolicited) opinion" take a toll, but I always find these visits instructive.
Having learned to back away from most arguments, I have turned my focus during visits to discerning the more subtle patterns, the ones that I believe made up those parts of childhood that I can't remember and were disastrous in terms of developing my decision making ability. One instance that sticks out from this visit was a stop at an adventure sport store with my aunt.
I was looking for a warm kayaking hat and had a few simple criteria. I needed something that would fit snug, cover my ears and have a brim to keep the sun off my face. It also needed to dry quickly and resist wind. The store had one of the largest selections of hats that I'd ever seen so I had every reason to believe I could pick out a hat.
I thought I knew what I wanted until my aunt began her diatribe on how "masculine" all my choices were. She kept picking out little Peruvian knit hats with dangling pomp pomps and was growing increasingly annoyed with my refusal to buy one. I even offered to buy her one to make her go away but she didn't want one...she wanted ME to validate her choice.
I felt my anger began to rise as she continued to degrade everything I looked at. I noticed that as it did, I lost that subtle sense of what I found attractive and could no longer make a decision. Suddenly the sea of hats all looked the same. Even after she admitted that her definition of "masculine" was any hat with a brim, no matter how prissy it might look on a man, I couldn't even choose a color. My ability to know what I wanted had been effectively turned off by my anger. I spent the next few minutes picking out a birthday gift for a kayaking buddy and then left the store.
I know my childhood was filled with these overrides fueled by their need to have my every choice validate them. It is not about believing what my aunt said, it is a feeling of loss of passion for a choice. I am sure that this reaction didn't start at the store. I learned to erase the need to want in order to save myself form the pain of refuting their attacks. It was part of why my childhood felt so bleak and why for so long I let others tell me what to think and feel.
I'm flabbergasted! Not only with the near exact experience(s) I have had with my Nmom and my Naunt(s) but with your research on the subject. The outcome is mine, how'd you know? This is what my childhood was plagued with. My Nmom's appetite for validation and feeling loved, needed and superior was, and is, insatiable. I will never fill the hole she has in her life no matter how much I validate her. She's like a pac-man gobbling up any accolades and compliments wherever she can find them, it's always about her no matter what.
I had no ability to make decisions in light of her insatiable appetite for validation--it overshadowed my existence and left me in silent ruins. I had no voice whatsoever. My anger and frustration during your hat search left me hatless as well! I've been there and during my Nmom's last visit a few weeks ago, I was virtually in the same hat store as you where they all looked the same.
Sealynx, I'm so glad you said this:
The short attention span (virtually non-existent) for anything that isn't somehow connected to them
This must be a classic N trait that I really have not focused on until now. My Nmom has such a short attention span that she gets lost quickly when I talk. She seemed so disconnected when I was growing up. This explains so much. I could be talking at length about a subject she brought up; about how my 2 year old's pediatrician (who I respect as a physician for my daughter) was explaining in elegant detail to me and my husband about the H1N1 vaccine and his research and his working hypothesis on the new issues at hand, etc., that when I would look over at my Nmom, she was staring off and looking all foggy eyed then she interjected, "a child's love of the earth and what it has to offer...my granddaughter's immune system is low so I brought you some medicine for her that was given to me by a well known pediatrician at my church." WHAT?? First, my daughter is the healthiest kid I know and second, WHAT???? There are no words. But see Sealynx, here I lost my ability to talk intelligently in the room. I lost the ability to focus on the subject at hand a doused myself in confusion and anger. I was no longer discussing an important issue's had to start talking to her like the child she is and regroup my thoughts around her bringing some bottle of medicine for my daughter that she didn't even need!!
Then I remembered to use my voice because it involved my baby daughter. I confronted my Nmom about this bottle of medicine for her
only granddaughter, this is the dialogue verbatim:
Me: Mom, who is this 'pediatrician' that you received this medicine from?
NM: Oh, he's so good. He brought an entire case of it for people in need...so nice.
Me: We're not in need mom........Mom, who is he?
NM: He recommends it for kids with colds...he's a really good doctor.
Me: What's his name?
NM: He's a doctor.
Me: I need his name to look him up on Google.
NM: [angry] What??? Why are you asking soooo many questions???? Don't question me!!!!
Me: Oh, No, no, don't get me wrong mom, I want to be sure this guy hasn't lost his medical license or something and is disposing of his office stash to complete strangers ....[laugh] how do we know this stuff is even legal, I've never seen it before!
NM: [very angry] I would NEVER let anything happen to my only granddaughter!!! ARE YOU SAYING THAT I WOULD LET SOMETHING HAPPEN TO HER???? [she repeated this question yelling at me 2 more times]
Me: Oh no mom...not at all!! [smile] I'm just cautious as to what I give the baby, you know how it is!!! Look at the bottle- is-it expired??? [It was expired but I kept my calm]
NM: [screaming] THEN THROW IT OUT AND QUIT MAKING SUCH A BIG DEAL OUT OF IT. YOU KEEP GOING ON AND ON AND ON ABOUT IT,[waving her hand in an ocean wave like motion] YOU JUST WON'T LET IT GO!! JUST THROW IT AWAY AND QUIT QUESTIONING IT!!!!!! I'M TIRED OF YOU ASKING ME SO MANY QUESTIONS, JUST LET IT GOOOOO!!! GEEEEZ, YOU HANG ON TO THINGS AND NAG IT TO DEATH!!!!!
I almost killed her at that point I was so angry. She left the room laughing and shaking her head saying "sheeeesh" like she couldn't get over the fact that my behavior was so inappropriate and it had downright exhausted her. It's like my vision gets blurred when this happens and I can't even focus on what my hands are doing and my pulse races. The decision making process gets trumped by N's child like ways.
Sealynx: you are also soooo right about "who would take sides over the argument over a banana." It's mind boggling and I struggle with even explaining it to someone, I almost always sound petty and stupid. The above argument with my Nmom is just as ridiculous and someone who witnessed it would have thought I was the crazy one. I feel like I suffer alone (except here of course) and no one can even fathom what I'm going through with each and every encounter with my NM.
I lost that subtle sense of what I was really saying. I felt unintellegent and my knowledge of things overrated. She succeeded in burrying me in her quest to be noticed and heard.
I gotta go now, my heart is racing....
I'll come back later. Sealynx, thank you, thank you...you're good!
Bear
