Hi Bear,
I'm no scientist so I don't know whether this is true, but I've found comfort in thinking about Ns like animals, because I think very often we humans forget that we are also animals.
What I mean is, in a litter of mutt puppies, the genes of their ancestors will come out in a variety of ways. One will be runty, one alpha, some shy, some outgoing, some grow big, some have stick-up ears, some droop...one will have spots, another solid colored coat. In a mixed gene pool, which is what all humans come from (unlike purebred dogs)--there's no end to the variety of gene expression.
A bad-tempered dog can have a litter of puppies in which one or two grow up to be bad-tempered, even though five more are all sweeties. So, I figure, the N gene's like that. No telling who'll get the genes and the various vulnerabilities that make it erupt through the membrane of self to take over.
Absolutely, environment means a lot too. I think, although I definitely have Nspots (Ntraits) that I did not become a full-tilt narcissist because I had a kind, gentle, other-oriented father. Someone in my home was the opposite of an N, and I adored him. And may have been more like him, genetically (I also look more like him than I look like my mother). My brother is like a member of her family, physically...and there are stories of some of her relatives being "disturbed".
So, to me, it's very likely that genes are a much much more powerful influence on personality than one tends to routinely think about. Behavior, human stories, anecdotes, are such richer material for our imaginations. Genes are invisible scientific things, and personally, I barely get the concept. So I spend my N-study time thinking of stories (which are all environment).
But I think the truth is, the gene factor is huge. At least as big as environment.
I don't think a gene can be prevented. But we can change the environment side of the equation by rewriting our own stories going forward. And change our children's from what ours were, or what our parents' were. So I think maybe you can prevent the development of full-blown Ns in most cases.
Remember the stories (assume I have the animal wrong and have oversimplified the science) about when a monkey began to use a new tool in a new way, and the researchers observed that the monkey's offspring, who for some reason were NOT raised by that monkey, grew up having the same never-before-seen skill? There was some mysterious leap in behavior and knowledge generationally...a new evolution. What fascinated me was there was NO logical story or explanation for how it was transmitted.
That suggests to me that the one way to have a better chance of preventing narcissism from blossoming in children is to heal ourselves. They'll benefit, even indirectly. It will be transmitted forward--if not to them, maybe the healing will appear in another child in our vicinity. (Nature's pretty mysterious--what if a child down the street we'd never met somehow learned something because we are healing ourselves?) And if one of our children or grandchildren seems to be expressing the gene, we can push harder to teach character and empathy than we would ordinarily have to in order to encourage those character traits.
It's always healthy to ask for what we want, as long as we can release the outcome.
And if we fail, and a child grows up to be a cold or brutal adult, we should continue healing ourselves anyway. Our new knowledge, our new skills, will still come out down the line somehow. I think new socialization skills (which is what our healing from Ns are) can even leap out of biofamilies and help OTHER children.
Individuals, including our own children, may be lost to narcissism, but we can always keep healing and trust that there's a ripple effect. Every time I show compassion to myself and to others, every time I decide to be strong even when I'm scared, every time I set a calm boundary and hold it, every time I forgive myself with generosity and then forgive another, every time I ask for what I want and release the outcome, every time I extend myself for a stranger.
xo
Hops
