Making progress.
I have just hurried home to sneek in a few minutes before carpool to write some important insights down.
As I was working things out in my mind I got a call from my father so having just hung up I want to write about that first.
I have not yet seen a physical manifestation of changes reflecting the internal changes taking place but I am certain that they are soon to follow. Just that certainty alone makes that prognosis very strong.
As I was talking to my father I found those ingrained horrific responses taking over. Then I viewed him as a helpless human bound in OCD bizarre behavior and conversation. I cannot tell you what that simple frame of mind did to alter my interaction with him. He was returning a call I made to his wife concerning an activity she had planned with my son tomorrow morning. Long story short my 9 year old had called him several times this week to ask him to pay for a honorary level at his karate dojo which is called the blackbelt club. The fee is $249 and it allows the children an extra training per month and to participate in a leadership program. The participants are invited to join based on their work ethic at karate and home. I don't have the $249 right now and so decided that we could ask one of my parents. As my father has never done anything for my son other than give me money to purchase birthday and Christmas gifts I thought we would ask him. We finally contacted him by phone on Wed. evening. He returned my son's call and after my child invited him to an alumni activity at his (their) elementary school my father raised his voice at him telling him that my father did not have time to talk. Now remember, my father made this phone call. My son never had the opportunity to tell him about karate and even still my father was ... well fill in the blank.
So when we connected today - he told me that he had not finished his conversation with my son but that he did not have time to talk because he had to get to the barber. Then he asked when he could reach me. I gave him a specific time slot which he then talked about for another 15 minutes about why that would not work and about what my phone number was and how I never answered when he called and on and on and on. I found myself getting beyond worked up until suddenly I held in my mind the image of his OCD running rampant, uncontrollable and then suddenly my whole, ingrained reaction released. With that subtle shift I actually heard something shift in his tone - imperceptibly less frantic.
We hung up. Within moments he called again (this is a pattern that goes back for 30 or 40 years) and he went through a litany of why he couldn't talk and what phones he does and does not answer and how he does not believe in talking while driving but that he does it any way and how he was going to miss his appointment with the barber and therefore he could no longer talk and on and on and on.
It was insane - and for the first time in my life - I did not take it on myself, did not mourn my loss or absence of a father, of a source of love or protection or concern. I saw a human being broken who had nothing obvious to offer but who could use some something, perhaps recognition of humanity with zero expectations attached. And I knew that I have turned a corner, that if I can do that when in the midst of an insane conversation that I can do that for all that precedes.
*****
Now the prelude.
I am coming to see that I can, with work, determination and belief, find the technique or ability to shift out of my long ingrained panic reaction, my outright fear of rejection, condemnation and unworthiness (not good enoughness). That sift feels like the difference between helplessness and determination - Horatio Alger; the shift between victim and overcomer; between passive helplessness and active problem solver.
In order to make this transition - all I have to do is to begin to have experiences of this kind; to be aware of them; to file them away and keep my focus on them until this type of experience, of overcoming becomes the norm rather than the exception.
In order to make this change - I must be willing to know that the fear reaction that has become ingrained and a norm for me is a coping mechanism from my childhood which is no longer valid and no longer protecting but now is the opposite. I have to acknowledge that this horrific feeling, that I have for years, shut down in order to avoid, given up who I am and so much more including all the "good things" of life, this horrific feeling is only a fear reaction that can be eliminated by digging deep and finding the courage and confidence and strength to push through and each and every time I opt for action rather than shutting down I am healing myself. I will see myself as doing what courageous humans do who have been through debilitating physical accidents and push themselves through painful therapy because they are willing to suffer the pain to get to the other side.
I can do this and I am able to find that strength in part due to the understanding and support that I have received from those of you here.
i am gonig to do this and I am inexpressibly thankful that I have a place where I can come and share my progress and my struggles and know, for the first time in my life, that I am loved. Thanks to you all and to Dr. Grossman who continues to make this possible. I will overcome this. I am so close and so much ground work has already been done. That is what all the writing I have been doing these past years here - it has been my groundwork, it has been the gestational period of my healing and I am about to go into labor. I know that it will be painful beyond memory but the fruits of that labor will be a magnificent creation of my very own child - who is me - it will be the real birthing of my own self and I have all of you midwives here at VESMB to thank.
