Another layer of the onion

[Gaining Strength]

oh yes - ADD is me. 
A few years ago I took adderall.  It helped in many ways.
I could definitely use some help but I will wait until I have some money for that.
Meanwhile I am working on a couple of projects that I hope will pay something out.

[Gaining Strength]

I feel strained in too many ways with little help on the horizon.
My little child is struggling in a number of ways.  He is being taunted and minimized by a classmate who unfortunately he would like to befriend.  This little boy denies everything that my child is proud of and he gets other children to go along with his minimizing.  Last week this boy was ridiculing my child for dropping out of football last fall, taunting him by saying that he dropped out for piano - implying that he is a wimp.  The truth was that the coach was an utter jerk and screamed and yelled at little boys, made clear favorites and had expectations way beyond 3rd grade ability.  It was a nightmare.  I had hoped that sports would be a fun opportunity to learn how to play the games but unfortunately not so - it is all about performance even on the 3rd grade level.

To add to this problem my child has terrible insomnia, he continues to suffer from functional constipation but he is also resistant to eating correctly.  In fact, eating is another issue.  He is a very picky eater.  It is so difficult to plan and prepare meals that he will eat.  I feel absurdly defeated about the whole thing.  Now throw in the lack of stove, I have to plan things that are cold or microwavable.

Then there is the long struggle about the mess my hosue is in.  There are so many aspects to this.  Last night I caught the tale end of Hoarding - Buried Alive on TLC and (I love that show) I was so cheered by what a difference was made in these folks homes over a period of time.  I would give anything to have that kind of help.  My home is not even close to having the same issue so I know that with help I could tackle my problem in a matter of days rather than months.  But I do need help.

The whole issue of needing help and being so isolated are issues with very deep psychological roots.

And of course work and financial issues are yet another.

Not having an income or enough money to take care of necessities is such a huge ball of wax that I can't even begin to unravel hear.

I have been working with a couple of people on developing a couple of projects but it has been very, very slow unraveling and I am not sure I can wait it out.  I have two business ideas that I have been nursing for some time but without question i need help in bringing them to life.  But that goes back to the needing help/isolation issue.

It is a huge ball of twisted yarn.  And while I do have a strategy out, it is difficult for me to keep to my strategy because I continue to feel battered by daily life.  Without question the way out is to stick to my strategy and continue to look for the light and focus on that light.  Focus and refocus when distracted.

[CB123]

Strength,

My sense, in your posts, is that you have so many things in your life that feel out of control that you dont know where to start.  I wonder if it would help to just pick one?  And not beat yourself up over the fact that you cant do them all?

It seems that almost all of them could be improved by just having some money.  Have you thought about getting a job and then working on your projects in your off time?  I have a lot of women that work for me at one time or another--some are young, some are older.  Many of them are not looking for a permanent position but rather a place to get on their feet.  I am very proud of the fact that I have a restaurant that gives them a safe place to do that.

Restaurant work is a good place for someone like you who just needs to walk into a job with good pay and flexible hours.  You could work part time as a waitress and make enough to keep you and your son afloat until you can get your feet under you.  Some restaurant jobs have an incredible tip rate.  Others less so, but maybe less pressure.  You dont have to wait for the perfect situation, you could start making your bills now and use the relief that you feel to catapult you into the next thing you need to do.

CB

[Gaining Strength]

I have been cleaning this morning.  It is ridiculously difficult.
It brings up a level of perfectionism and I can tie it to the double binds of my childhood.
I recognize how much discomfort was given to me as a child bound up in a profound desire to please a man who did not want to be pleased. He took some kind of perverse pleasure in making sure that I did not succeed in any endeavor.
As I clean I am acutely aware of how he did this.
As I approached a goal - any goal - he would up the ante. 
If I chose to do something or was told to do something, regardless of how well I did it, there was something about it that was not acceptable and was worthy of criticism.  And criticism would be the only response that I got - no acknowledgement of any portion well done.  This whole pattern went to the everyday things. The pattern becomes clearer and clearer.  I am working on this to make it from the intellectual understanding down to the emotional shift.

[Hopalong]

Hi GS,
I could not agree more with CB on this:

You dont have to wait for the perfect situation, you could start making your bills now

When I took my little middleclass self in to apply for an hourly wage job in a flower shop, it was so liberating. I didn't care who came in the store and I didn't feel "ashamed" -- I felt HAPPY. I hope you can hear this advice from CB...go get a job.

Something about strategizing and fantasizing about access to the family wealth is feeding your paralysis, I think.

And the suggestion about going to Social Services and asking for help, or going to a local ADD specialist...you did (I am pointing out with love)...skeedaddle sideways with murmurings of "that'll have to wait for money to appear" and "I have business projects that might work out"...

Hon, when I started my low-dose generic Ritalin (which costs virtually zip) I was immediately changed, in terms of focus. That strikes me as something NOT to put off until these vague financial things somehow manifest.

I think you DO need help and one help I/we can offer is to urge you to GO GET IT.

I imagine the feelings of embarrassment and shame are really an obstacle. But I still urge you to go in there, even to a preliminary "consultation" with an ADD specialist. It can save you. Really save you. To get on Rx, AND to have actual physical help to deal with your house.

Even without the lights on, it's spring now...that space can be cleaned up so you can think better. And with the right medication, you might then be able to KEEP it that way, and serenity and sanity would be welcome in your life, and you could begin to carve out your own future.

love love love to you (and forgive the "push" -- I hope it is gentle),

Hops

[Hopalong]

PS--I'm sounding really bossy today.
Very wired up re. deadlines and my D...so take me with a hug and shaker of salt!
(gotta go tell NLAS the same...)

[Gaining Strength]

so take me with a hug and shaker of salt!

always take you with a hug

"Something about strategizing and fantasizing about access to the family wealth is feeding your paralysis, I think."
actually I have no fantasy or expectation about having access to anybody's wealth.

[Hopalong]

I'm sorry. The thing about your parents' unpredictable financial assistance, how/when it works, is opaque to me.
Pretty unreliable, clearly, so it makes good sense you're not expecting that to be a solution. I know it's maddening.

I'm sorry for assuming wrongly. I am very jittery and don't quite trust my own impatience today...I am probably projecting on others the impatience I'm feeling with MYSELF. Thanks for being a safe person to make a mistake with.

I do hope you won't delay asking for help. And thanks for the hug.

lots of love,
Hops

[CB123]

Strength,

The inner struggle you describe seems very familiar to me.  That inner critic can yell so loudly that you can hardly force yourself to try.  Your first critic (your father?) is gone now.  That voice in your ear is not his, it is your own inner critic.  You have power over this one.  You were a child once and you had no power.  But you are a woman now--a strong, capable woman.  That strong voice in your head is the voice of YOUR OWN strength.  Use it to get where you want to go.

What did you think of my idea about the job?  Does that seem doable?  Does your inner critic drown out the possibility?  Can we help you tap into the positive energy that can move you forward?

Love
CB

[Gaining Strength]

CB - thank you.  I do hear you. 
There is a subtle shift to get from where I am to what you are suggesting.
I am really close. 

My psychologist introduced me to the phrase 'learned helplessness" some years ago.
It has never been an easy concept to grasp but I am getting closer.
I had to be helpless in order to fit within my father's framework.
I didn't know it then and it has been difficult for me to recognize it even in recent times.









going to work it out.

[CB123]

Strength,

The shift will come.  You have already come so far.  I am going to love watching it.

Love
CB

[sKePTiKal]

Hi sweetie... I'm back and starting to recover from the trip. Just read what I missed while without the 'net.

I'm gonna come back and say some more, but for now, only 1 thing comes up immediately that might help you with you tangled paralysis.

The thing about hoarding; about seeing the mess (and problems) and not knowing where to start - not feeling like you even CAN - because there is another feeling blocking you from actually doing it... I just felt this while we were back in our old garage. One side of it is "my junk" - art books, gardening tools & supplies, old pots, frames I thought I might use... paint that needs to be thrown away. Only 1 book connected with me that said "take me home". Everything else was stuff that I could safely say "I don't want" and I felt like I could just walk away from it. Except that, oh... I always liked that pot... and there's my scissors for cutting flowers... and which rake did I want to take with me? Those thoughts would be followed by why did I even think I was ever going to paint out here? Why did I keep that? What on earth did we save that for???

My struggles with hubby about the stacks of magazines and papers; his "collections" of toys and gadgets... he can't go deal with them by himself. He requires my presence. So he can tell me the story of one his "treasures" - where it came from, when he got it, what he did at that time. He might have 5 of the same kinds of gadgets; sometimes 25... that he "might need someday". So my role is to help him negotiate with himself - you can keep some of them; how many would you like to keep? where are you going to put them? Can we throw these away? After a little time and repetition of this process, he is able to continue independently negotiating with himself. This where you simply need SOMEONE to help you start, GS... they don't have the same emotional issues with the stuff and can help you "get started" in the process.

I think perhaps the same thing would apply to the financial issues. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and suggest that there is help like this out there - maybe a local community college? Often they'll have outreach training programs with grants available. There may also be other resources. The wisdom of CB's suggestion to simply "get a job" is in the fact that there is a lower risk involved for you, less responsibility (and stress) overall, and also that payday comes on a regular, predictable basis - you'll know how much money you have to work with. Less predictable, when you're dependent on tips - but to give you an idea and hope, my D using to waitress in a fine dining establishment and during holidays would often bring home $200/$300 A NIGHT in tips. She's bartending now, in a big city and still able to make that for a day's work. But those kinds of tips are feast/famine... and scary, simply because they're unpredictable. A decent base salary makes all the difference in the world. And that's very hard to predict and rely on in one's own business... as a partner or sole proprietor. I think you need predictability, regular hours, a set schedule.

Last bit, so far... MIL was packing stuff to bring back and making decisions about "bring - keep & bring later - toss". She brought me to tears, pulling out of her trunk (I have one like it): handmade baby clothes that she'd made for her children, nightgowns she wore when was first married, her wedding dress. She kept asking what she should do with them? They were of no use to anyone and it was just stuff people would have to throw out when she was dead and gone (practical, she is). She even has a quilt to match mine - only it's never been used and is in pristine condition - that was made for her 50+ years ago.

Well. I've had this realization in glimpses with hubby before, going through his stuff. I got "stopped" in the garage, with the same realization about my own stuff - and couldn't avoid, escape or run away from MIL's question about her own treasure chest. Those baby clothes, her wedding dress were all parts of "who she is" - and I told her: you don't have to give them away. Keep them. Decide later. Other people WILL want them - the baby clothes I've kept were made for me - and each embroidery stitch represents love - that someone would take the time, make the effort to do such work for ME. It's like physical proof.

The stuff in the garage? Well, some of that relates to an on-going discussion (my own paralysis) I'm having with myself about whether I can/want to let "part of me" go. It is difficult. Even with my D along with me - I couldn't begin the process of deciding "bring - keep & bring later - toss". It's very tempting to me... to simply deal with the emotional side of this - but that's a long, labyrinthine process - and it's one of the ways I avoid things. None of the "stuff" (or very little of it) has any real, monetary value. It's only value is in what it represents about me, my past, my self-image from my past... and old dreams. Should I choose to spend much time producing art again - I can always buy new (and really, probably should). Perhaps simply tossing all that stuff will help me finally "let go" the idea of that old "false image" of myself as "An ARTIST" and finally free myself to create again...

... perhaps there's some bad juju in the physical "things" and being REMINDED by them keeps me trapped in that spell of paralysis? Just like there's some GOOD in the things that were made for me... and the things my MIL made for her kids.

[Gaining Strength]

Another layer has been revealed to me.

Abandonment
This was revealed to me suddenly as though a seed pod bursting in ripeness.
My parents desired children only as a means to fit a norm.
There was no love and no love lost very the first day.
My mother (unlike my father in the first years) never participated as a mother even from the beginning.
She was always like a teenager left in charge of the hired help who "monitored" the infants and children.
I remember trying to engage her in mothering (educational rather than nurturing) at different ages - to no avail.
At 8 I tried to engage her about the purpose of tampax.  She said she would discuss it when I was a teenager.  She never did.
At 10 I brought up the subject of shaving my legs.  She threw arrows at me about some shortcoming of mine and left the room.
I have not one memory of my mother participating in an activity with me. 
She was wealthy and had hired help.  Two people to work inside the home daily and one to work outside and drive her car.
Even they were not hired to interact with us.
At a young age, I counted the years until the end of my prison sentence under her dominance.  As high school approached I worked tirelessly to get to a boarding school - to no avail.  To this day I don't know why my parents refused - the money, the need to dominate - I don't know.  It wasn't a concern about the boarding school culture.  Both of my parents and my brothers all attended elite boarding school.
I was so unaware of my mother's abandonment simply because she never engaged.
I recall, as an adult, my mother crying because she felt abandoned by my father with 3 children.  The laughable part of that is that my father is the only parent who engaged us at all.  Plus as I have mentioned - my mother had more help than anyone else I knew.  She never had to prepare any meal other than breakfast.  she never even drove for carpool.  Her only inconvenience was buying groceries.

My father's abandoment is much more complicated. 
I hope to have time later to write more about this.
His abandonment led to a profound sense of rejection and frantic hamster wheel spinning to avoid rejection only to be met with more rejection.

rejection
No time to complete this important section.
Rejection is the major issue fueling the hampster wheel that undermines all hope and all progress.
I enter into life each and every day supressing the fear and expectation of rejection on an unconscious level.
Ever vigilant for signs of rejection.  Focusing on the very thing that is devastating and always finding it.
I am wondering what kind of shift I can make by focusing on acceptance.

[Hopalong]

I am wondering what kind of shift I can make by focusing on acceptance.

Wow. GS. Starting with your own.

(Hoo-ahh! to everything Ann said.)

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well! I see you're getting right into that piece of the onion that one finds in the center - the one without layers. It's the most pungent part; most intense. I like onion, so I usually chop that section up & toss the center into whatever I'm "cooking" anyway; some people toss it out - i.e., reject it.

Acceptance and rejection are yin/yang - the flip side of each other. I think you'll find now, that the choice of what to accept - and also what to reject - is completely yours: in regards to just about everything. Ann's post about Traumatic Bonding is apropos; I realized in my own process that when I'd discovered that my mom's version of "love" and "caring" was toxic for me... and that it was responsible for my pattern of keeping people at arm's length and hiding my emotions (even from myself)... I realized that I could reject that whole loop; that it was only my acceptance of this toxic process that kept me trapped in it.

It wasn't something that "was being done to me"; I was doing it to myself. That I could accept - and work with - throughout my whole "undo" process/practice. It was EASY at that point, to change lots of old patterns, routines... tho' it still requires maintenance to keep from slipping back again. Old habits are still the toughest...

That said, I know this is hard, cold, dark space. I'll be around this week... and send my love to my friend, as you go through the processing of all this. Soon you'll be through with the onion and IT'S OK to ask for help, whine, rant, kick & scream... or need a hug and someone to hold your hand and stroke your hair... until you're completely done.