I have wanted to say that to my mother for so long - can't you see the love I have, can't you see the reality, can't you see the truth. All she does is pick on me and project onto me all her paranoia and hate and badness. And I've been carrying the weight of it all for so long. And the weight of lots of other people who want to project their shadow side onto me, too.
And I have been trained to say - yes, I am the badness - let me carry it all for you. No, I won't ever be bad to you, I'll be perfect, never let my rage show, never be not nice cos you'll make me suffer even more if I do - cos then you'll say "see, I just proved it's all you, you're the 'bad'" I'm not allowed to be human, to admit my pain, to hit back.
If I try in rational terms to say 'look at this, work it out, see what's real', she can't take it, goes berserk, screams at me.
Look at what happens on this board, too. Screams, revulsion, calling me a vampire, for God's sake!!! Using abusive language like 'dum dum' and claiming to be supportive. No wonder I thought I was being driven mad - maybe WAS 'mad' just because I just couldn't handle it all.
The madness is out there, not 'in here'. God, how this place makes me shiver sometimes - a real nightmare of confusion and irrationality.
phoenix - however these other posters tried to portray my comment to you, I thought 'your gossamer wings' was an image of real beauty, a gift given with no other thought than an image of shimmering light and connection.
And I'm fed up of other people shitting on the gifts I have to share.
For a while my name was brokenwing. From now on, my name is Firebird.
