I understand those feelings, Lupita. I can tell you that they won't go away, no matter who you are with--unless you work through them yourself. No one in the whole world can give you enough to make you feel whole. And you are right, the reasons why you feel this way no longer matter. They did matter, very much, when you were in early recovery. It's important to know where you have come from and what you inherited. Its the first step in understanding that the things that were done to you WERE NOT YOU.
I do believe, Lupe, that you are at a later step. Now, you need to recognize that things being done to you NOW are not you. Everyone you meet and have interaction with have their OWN inner struggles and feeling of loneliness. They are dealing with those feelings in ways that were developed in them when they were very young--just as you have. They are not thinking to themselves: how is this making Lupita feel? They are thinking: how can I escape this feeling of unbearable loneliness? Some people are sociopaths and really enjoy hurting people. Most are simply consumed with their own pain and oblivious to anyone else's. Even when you explain it to them, they may not be able to hold onto your reality in the face of their own, if their own is unbearably painful.
I think a good first step in dealing with your boyfriend is the exactly the step you have taken. You don't want to leave. I think it would be good to sit with that reality for a bit. You dont really need help from anyone to leave, because you don't want to . What you want to do is stay where you are and for things to be different between you.
I think where you are going to hit the wall over and over again is to think that you need for him to change for things to be different. First of all, things will be different if EITHER of you change. And either of you changing could make the situation less painful. Second, the likelihood of him changing is close to 0%. There may have been a slight chance when you first started talking to him about the way you feel. But now the whole dynamic is one of competition and control. That has assumed primary significance and that means one of you is going to have to let go of that dynamic for it to change. I dont think it will be him. I think it will have to be you. If neither of you does, it will not change. Period.
If you want to let go, it will look like not talking to him about it. That is probably going to be very, very hard, because (in spite of the name of this board) none of us here are voiceless. We are powerless to change the other person in our relationships, but not voiceless. All of us have said plenty to the N's in our lives, and we are here now because it didnt matter one whit. And your relationship with your boyfriend is no different. If you keep talking to him about what is bothering you, after you have already made it clear a couple of times, you are only engaging in a power struggle. A struggle for power that you can get all by yourself. And this is true whether he is an N or not.
If you hold out to him the belief that you cannot survive unless he changes, you have handed him your power. If you have entertained in your own mind that you cant live without him, but that you will fail in grad school unless he changes, then you have handed him your power. If you think you cant dance unless he is your partner, then you have handed him your power. He cant take any of that from you, and he doesnt have to. You have given it to him.
So, the first thing you need to do is stop talking to him about it. This is very very hard, and I have had to struggle every day for 3 years, and my relationship doesnt have your struggles. But it has its own, and it never comes naturally. Or at least it doesnt yet.
Then you need to change what you say to yourself. You ARE going to succeed in grad school and if you need to change something in your current situation to do that, then you can do it. If you need to create space, a peaceful place to retreat to, then you must. Make your own apartment your study space, your retreat space. If you cant move out of his apartment, then create a second space that is just yours. Use it to succeed in your pursuit of graduate school. If you choose not to keep that space, understand that it is your choice and it may mean that you will not be able to reach your goals. It will not be his fault. It will be yours.
Those are hard words, Lupe, I know that. But crying with you and letting you continue to believe that there is any possibility of you "training" him to be what you need to succeed would be horrible, IMO.
Think about what I have proposed--sit with the feelings that come up as you read it. You will have to choose (you do choose--every thing that you do every day, you choose) what will work for you where you are right now. Just dont be afraid to step out into an uncomfortable place. Change is never comfortable.
CB
