Hi everybody,
I wanted to post an update here because Amber so lovingly offered her thread about caregiving and the ultimate loss of her sweet MIL as, for me. Well, hell, PR deserves her own thread for that... (thanks, PR...you are a friend one would wish to be Amber...a forever person, you.)
Home: So much has happened. Finally achieved a signed agreement with my brother and he decided NOT to come to town. His stuff will be shipped to him (at the cost of its value). So he can sit in a storage unit somewhere poring over his obsessions. This is a great relief, that he won't be here. And, the house is now on the market. Slow time, could take a long while, but I set the price pretty low compared to comps. The location is wonderful for this town, truly prime. So possibly it will go sooner. No idea, so limbo continues.
I've been VERY lucky in that another person has appeared to rent the wing, just as the grad student was leaving. My new housemate is the "ex" of another person at my church, and she just needs a peaceful place to get over her breakup (and she has Lyme disease). A sanctuary for herself and her wee doggie (I am so grateful--the dog-sized hole in my heart will have a little pooch to greet!). She's not bringing a ton of stuff and is very tidy. She's also okay with it being month-to-month, understands it'll be sold and is willing to cope with the unknown future date. So the financial stream from that wasn't broken for even a month, a great relief. The wing is cozy and peaceful and I'm glad she'll be here, even though our paths won't cross a lot.
I have started to daydream about where to go or what I might buy--two imaginary candidates right now: a wee condo near a friend, and a small house that needs a lot of cosmetic work but has a great layout. It needs some massive backyard remediation and tree work, all of which means it's much cheaper than other houses in its location--which is near downtown, 2 blocks from my childhood home, and really an excellent spot. Either of those alternatives could work out fine. And enjoying thinking about both of them has helped me understand that even if it's neither...I will find a new home.
One of my concerns is that it's hard to maintain health under so much long-term stress--my job is really a grind, and I haven't been feeling too well. And of course moving is/will be a huge stress. But it could be in 2 months or 2 years, so I need to continually work on being at peace with the unknown. I feel overwhelmed by "stuff" and paperwork, but found a woman at church who'll work with me once a month to ensure it stays on track (budgeting and the math of it all--her help is going to change my life!).
My D? I feel the relief of not feeling her anger in my life every day, the relief of a peaceful house. But her circumstances are very bleak --even frightening-- and I grieve daily. We don't talk often, there's a kind of detente. Her 30th birthday is next week. I fear for her state of mind, sitting in her bleak apartment that has things scurrying in the walls, three men next door making racket all night (walls so thin she can hear what they say) with people coming and going, an empty apartment on the other side, broken windows in the buildings around, having to park blocks away, feeling unsafe. I have sent her contact info for the one old acquaintance I have there, a lawyer, in case she'd be willing to ask him for advice on how to get out of her lease. It is not safe, she should not stay. But if she can't escape it, she sounded committed to enduring it until the end of the time. I don't know how she'll pay the rent after this semester, or if she has work, or how she's functioning. Or how she'd even afford a UHaul if she did find a way to go somewhere else. She's horrified at the stress and I don't blame her. As of her last call a few weeks ago, she was sleeping all day, huddled awake in tension all night. Doesn't even want to unpack, watching the bugs on the filthy walls. I don't know if she's functioning at school. She said she hasn't been going often. I think she's not coping, or barely.
While I wait for news, I leave her occasional voicemails, short ones. And I grieve, because I need to. I am waiting and releasing the outcome, and letting it go...what will be will be, she is groping for her inner strength and I believe does have a counselor (she mentioned a weekly appointment). I pray about her a lot. I sent her a care package and small check. But even as dire as it is, I no longer imagine sending her more. I know I can't rescue her again, and she is trying to rescue herself. Pushing off from the bottom.
I fear for her, but I need to release my fear, too.
I told a friend that when D was a little girl, I would be so full of joy and look at her and think, "She is evidence of the god of getting one thing right." Now I think, "She is evidence of the god of getting everything wrong." (Not meaning that she is wrong, or her being is wrong, not at all---just this deep shock and sadness that I did it wrong...) I know that's hyperbole, but that is how painful it is. Even if I am not to blame, it's hard not to feel a failure. Even if I am not a failure as a mother, "it" is, for now, a failure. (Our relationship.)
But but but.
I need to live my life. I cannot think about her all the time any more. I just can't, and it's not helpful to either of us. So I am actually thinking about her less. It seems right, though very very strange.
love,
Hops
