Author Topic: Home & heart  (Read 6901 times)

lighter

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #15 on: September 06, 2010, 08:19:35 AM »
I've given up nearly everything and he's debating individual pieces. I gave up my grandmother's tea set -- kind of set me off. Now he's likely coming in 1 week with a truck. Last straw was his lawyer saying he wants to bring his new DIL also, to "see the house that's meant so much to the family." What family? The one he's destroyed?

love
Hops

Oh (((Hops))) it's so unfair, and even if you gave everything, he'd likely have more demands.

I hope you negotiate barring him from entering your home. 

It would be appropriate to have his property waiting in the drive when he arrives with the truck, IMO.


Been crying pretty often. A lot is about losing my home (and family and daughter) in the same couple years.

But it will end soon and I do believe that next chapter will come.

love
Hops


It will end, Hops.

Soon.

I can't wait to read what your next chapters brings, and am praying that your attorney advocates for and protects you during this tough time.

Mo2

 

sKePTiKal

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #16 on: September 06, 2010, 10:48:14 AM »
Brave, brave Hops. Those tears are a sign of how strong you really are.

Trusting the universe will bring unanticipated, undreamed of joys to you; I'm sure of it.
And I know for a fact - you ain't useless! Here, or in 3-D.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Hopalong

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #17 on: September 06, 2010, 11:41:52 AM »
Thanks, M02--it actually does occur to me that I could minimize the intrusion by hiring some neighbor boys to meet me at the crack of dawn and bring a lot of the stuff out to sit on a tarp in the yard. As long as I leave by 8:30 am, I won't have to encounter him. That's a good idea.

He can't be barred from entering the building though, practially, because there is so much to pick up--and he has to actually pack the china and silver, etc. I'm not packing it for him. But it is a satisfying fantasy to have it all locked up and all his stuff at the curb. My laywer would have a fit if I tried that though. It's been pulling teeth to get this close to an agreement, so I need to keep perspective and remember it'll soon be over with and I'll never have to see him again.

Meanwhile, there will be 2 strong (and large) male friends from my church there the whole time, to keep an eye on things. As a visible reminder that he's not to enter my private spaces (nor start rolling up rugs, for example). There will be a list of what he takes, and that is that.

PR--thank you dear. It is all true. I will be okay and there will be happiness again. I know it. (My D wrote me a civil email about a PO box. We won't be doing any emotional connecting for a while, and that's fine with me. I need the space from her as much as she needs it from me. But any civil message is a bright spot.)

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

CB123

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #18 on: September 06, 2010, 02:44:30 PM »
Oh, Hops.  I know this is all so painful.  To the core.

I am so sorry.  I do believe your daughter will see what she has done in time and she will feel terrible.  Your brother--probably not.

I just wish the smoothest transition through this time.  You are on the verge of a brand new awakening and the only way to get there is to go with no luggage.  Oh the treasures you will find!

Love you Hops

CB
When they are older and telling their own children about their grandmother, they will be able to say that she stood in the storm, and when the wind did not blow her way -- and it surely has not -- she adjusted her sails.  Elizabeth Edwards 2010

Hopalong

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #19 on: October 01, 2010, 10:40:10 AM »
Hi everybody,
I wanted to post an update here because Amber so lovingly offered her thread about caregiving and the ultimate loss of her sweet MIL as, for me. Well, hell, PR deserves her own thread for that...  (thanks, PR...you are a friend one would wish to be Amber...a forever person, you.)

Home: So much has happened. Finally achieved a signed agreement with my brother and he decided NOT to come to town. His stuff will be shipped to him (at the cost of its value). So he can sit in a storage unit somewhere poring over his obsessions. This is a great relief, that he won't be here. And, the house is now on the market. Slow time, could take a long while, but I set the price pretty low compared to comps. The location is wonderful for this town, truly prime. So possibly it will go sooner. No idea, so limbo continues.

I've been VERY lucky in that another person has appeared to rent the wing, just as the grad student was leaving. My new housemate is the "ex" of another person at my church, and she just needs a peaceful place to get over her breakup (and she has Lyme disease). A sanctuary for herself and her wee doggie (I am so grateful--the dog-sized hole in my heart will have a little pooch to greet!). She's not bringing a ton of stuff and is very tidy. She's also okay with it being month-to-month, understands it'll be sold and is willing to cope with the unknown future date. So the financial stream from that wasn't broken for even a month, a great relief. The wing is cozy and peaceful and I'm glad she'll be here, even though our paths won't cross a lot.

I have started to daydream about where to go or what I might buy--two imaginary candidates right now: a wee condo near a friend, and a small house that needs a lot of cosmetic work but has a great layout. It needs some massive backyard remediation and tree work, all of which means it's much cheaper than other houses in its location--which is near downtown, 2 blocks from my childhood home, and really an excellent spot. Either of those alternatives could work out fine. And enjoying thinking about both of them has helped me understand that even if it's neither...I will find a new home.

One of my concerns is that it's hard to maintain health under so much long-term stress--my job is really a grind, and I haven't been feeling too well. And of course moving is/will be a huge stress. But it could be in 2 months or 2 years, so I need to continually work on being at peace with the unknown. I feel overwhelmed by "stuff" and paperwork, but found a woman at church who'll work with me once a month to ensure it stays on track (budgeting and the math of it all--her help is going to change my life!).

My D? I feel the relief of not feeling her anger in my life every day, the relief of a peaceful house. But her circumstances are very bleak --even frightening-- and I grieve daily. We don't talk often, there's a kind of detente. Her 30th birthday is next week. I fear for her state of mind, sitting in her bleak apartment that has things scurrying in the walls, three men next door making racket all night (walls so thin she can hear what they say) with people coming and going, an empty apartment on the other side, broken windows in the buildings around, having to park blocks away, feeling unsafe. I have sent her contact info for the one old acquaintance I have there, a lawyer, in case she'd be willing to ask him for advice on how to get out of her lease. It is not safe, she should not stay. But if she can't escape it, she sounded committed to enduring it until the end of the time. I don't know how she'll pay the rent after this semester, or if she has work, or how she's functioning. Or how she'd even afford a UHaul if she did find a way to go somewhere else. She's horrified at the stress and I don't blame her. As of her last call a few weeks ago, she was sleeping all day, huddled awake in tension all night. Doesn't even want to unpack, watching the bugs on the filthy walls. I don't know if she's functioning at school. She said she hasn't been going often. I think she's not coping, or barely.

While I wait for news, I leave her occasional voicemails, short ones. And I grieve, because I need to. I am waiting and releasing the outcome, and letting it go...what will be will be, she is groping for her inner strength and I believe does have a counselor (she mentioned a weekly appointment). I pray about her a lot. I sent her a care package and small check. But even as dire as it is, I no longer imagine sending her more. I know I can't rescue her again, and she is trying to rescue herself. Pushing off from the bottom.

I fear for her, but I need to release my fear, too.

I told a friend that when D was a little girl, I would be so full of joy and look at her and think, "She is evidence of the god of getting one thing right." Now I think, "She is evidence of the god of getting everything wrong." (Not meaning that she is wrong, or her being is wrong, not at all---just this deep shock and sadness that I did it wrong...) I know that's hyperbole, but that is how painful it is. Even if I am not to blame, it's hard not to feel a failure. Even if I am not a failure as a mother, "it" is, for now, a failure. (Our relationship.)

But but but.

I need to live my life. I cannot think about her all the time any more. I just can't, and it's not helpful to either of us. So I am actually thinking about her less. It seems right, though very very strange.

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

ann3

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #20 on: October 01, 2010, 04:12:19 PM »
Hops,
What a relief not having to interact in person with your brother.  Also wonderful you found a tenant.  Good to hear you're detaching from D, it sounds painful, but positive.  Hope you feel better.

seastorm

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #21 on: October 01, 2010, 07:05:38 PM »
OK Hops this is just toooo much. You do not deserve this at any level. Your brother..... I just wish I could be there with you when he comes with his daughter in law who can't possibly know what she will be stepping into.
I am sending you white light and praying for you. I have a disordered brother too. He does not have either the listening gene or the empathy gene. Any interactions leave me drained of nearly every drop of blood in my body and deeply shaken. This will not change, short of divine intervention.

I think Lupita is right. She is going to have to trip on her way to maturity in order to realize the significance of having a mother.
Please trust that you are deserving of something wonderful coming your way. There have been times in the last few years when you have been the only person who could reach me, make sense and guide me threw hell. I can never thank you enough. Your gift for helping wounded birds is unsurpassed. You have provided shelter and compassion so many times and have grown to be someone I trust.

I know that bad things can happen to very good people. Life is stripping away your home, traditions, role as mother and sister. This is a lot to bear. Please feel free to cry.scream, complain and generally reach out for help. If you want to email me directly that is totally ok.

All the best,

Sea storm


lighter

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #22 on: October 01, 2010, 11:27:23 PM »
((((Hops))))

It's going to be OK.

Lighter

Hopalong

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #23 on: October 02, 2010, 11:47:09 AM »
thanks Ann--it is better, you're right. Sometimes I fail to pull back and see that in many pieces of it all, it really is better.

M02, you are right, it really is. Acceptance and releasing the outcome. Working on it all the time.

Seastorm, bless you for your heartfelt thoughts--the relief about my brother is actually, he is NOT going to be here at all. Whew! Knowing I've helped you in any way...thank you for that too. Huge heartlift.

EVERYBODY--good news! Well sort of insane, but you'll get it.
Got a call from my D and last Thursday she answered banging on her door and it was 4 cops with guns drawn. Wrong door. They went to the apartment next door where the scary men are and arrested all three of them for armed robbery. So they're gone. And that very afternoon, she had gone to the rental office, given them what-for (filth, danger, etc.)...and got out of the lease!

I feel relief to my toebones, as does she. She is exhausted and still very very precarious in many ways...but today she is going to look at a place in a building where a friend lives (thank god, she knows someone) and it's right on a bus line that goes to her campus. In Miami, public transportation is terrible, so having such an old car ... that's an important piece. Don't know if she'll take it, yet--but I think this experience has sobered her and she IS trying to survive and move forward. I can't imagine what this last few months took out of her. But I am so so so relieved that she can escape that place now.

I am going to continue to just leave one calm weekly voicemail, short and loving. And just abide with that.

I have no idea about income or how she'll manage, but she is at least trying to save herself.

Next to that worry, having a for-sale sign in my hard is No Big Deal At All!!!!

love,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

sKePTiKal

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #24 on: October 02, 2010, 01:58:06 PM »
 :oops:

oh Hops, you saw right through me! But I was/am a.) worried about you and b.) I needed to hear from you and hoped you'd share your motherly wisdom with me about MIL.

Daughters are both a blessing and curse. They are never as frail and helpless or vulnerable as we're afraid they are (or they complain that they are). And sometimes, they really need to experience things that we would never, ever wish for them and try so hard to protect them from - to find out what they're really made of, for themselves. For your D, and maybe mine too - they need to know they can rescue themselves and actually do this. And I've found that my role is simply to praise my D when she does this; let her know I'm proud of her - and make sure she realizes that she did it all by herself. Sometimes, my D doesn't acknowledge her own strengths. She still needs me to tell her - Look! You did it! Hooray! Telling her, speeds up her momentum, sharpens her judgement and motivation, to actively start making the changes she wants for herself... without me trying to design it for her.

Gotta run, but I'll try to jump back on later this weekend.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #25 on: October 03, 2010, 08:56:25 AM »
Look, Hops...

I don't think you're a failure at all as a mom; nor is the relationship between you two failed. It does feel that way, though, when the relationship begins to change - morph - from parent-child... to something else. I'm not sure what to call that something else - it needs a word, for sure. But, as the kid begins to separate from the parent there is a rending on both sides - heartrending - as the kid begins to claim all their own attributes of themselves as their own "self". (Nevermind that you're not getting credit for helping them develop some of those attributes!) That time period in the relationship isn't predictable as to age range in the child or duration or process.

Having 2 Ds... I do know that the process is way different with each one. But this "morph" period is not the end of the relationship, any more than the first day of school was. We mourn the change all the same, and there may long silences and absences... and I admit I miss my D a lot... but she's young, has a nice interesting gennulman friend who's a "maker" too... and her own struggles (inner/outer) to get through on her own, to build her own confidence in herself. Much as I miss her I don't want to interrupt her flight path... especially since it took me so long to convince her she could fly, even after she chose to "leave the nest"! LOL... every so often, she'll ask for a another refresher you know? Like a vaccination update...

I went through a lot of worry and scared myself to death with my Ds descriptions of where she was living and the people she was encountering. Similar to your Ds situation that you described. H - my D - had to practically take a 2x4 to get me to realize that this is "real life" for lots and lots and lots of people. Sort of a mad-max, post-apocalyptic, arbitrary/random, lawless and very dangerous universe - but it wasn't without elements of "community". She found protective friends; she learned the "rules" there; she made a place for herself where she fits in and belongs and is doing what she can to make it a better place. After a lot of false starts; dead-ends; shattered hopes & expectations she is starting to get some traction. (In some ways, that's also an accurate description of my life at that age...)

It's not at all the plan we nurture for our kids. It seems that something, somewhere is broken when bright, motivated, and hard-working young folk can't make a life (according to the traditional middle-class definitions) because of the disparity in wages and the cost of living & housing. The recession hasn't adjusted any of that back to a balance, at the level our Ds live on. And it's tough for this mom to swallow that it's come to this. It feels like the whole country has failed, some days. That it's all coming apart. And then, I'll hear my D or one of her friends doing something that's so wonderful it's like a candle shining in window. I think the kids WERE listening to mom... but it's gonna take a while to clean up the mess. Maybe we need a third political party just for moms & grandmas... and a real voice about the things that matter to us. I don't know how many times I've felt the 2 party system (or middle east disputes) were all just like 2 little kids fighting over whose turn it was. The world needs more moms right now - and we need to be active moms - and settle the disputes and pointless arguments and get back to the business of "having a life".

I'll make the aprons and put up the website, if you'll write the blog for the website!
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

Izzy_*now*

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #26 on: October 03, 2010, 03:10:25 PM »
hi hops,

Would it help if I repeat myself to you?

My D swallowed a bottle of aspirin when she was 12, and I found out from the Dr. We had a talk and she said it was me, my disabilty. Where did that leave me, always being disabled?

In her teens at Bible Camp she was almost killed when the other kids put her in an inner tube and shoved it down the hill. The hill ended at a cliff--long drop to death, when she rolled out of the tube then tumbled over the edge and clung on as the others caught up and pulled her back. The cliff edge was covered with broken glass. I found this out when the hospital up North called to get out Health Insurance No. She would never have told me otherwise????

However time passed and her grades were always excellent, 4 awards from elementary school and honours from Grade 13, and she was accepted into 5 Universities (higher than Colleges in Canada)

At age 19 she met the N, and they were married in a year. It was awful and that is the first I really felt she hated me---I didn't like him and he treated me with no respect, but loved my money. I soon saw she was very unhappy but she still claimed to love him, and had 3 children. Later she would tell me that she stopped loving him the day the first was born (He is 24 years old today.) They lived in a one roomed cabin with no amenities and for a time until the eldest was 4½ I looked after him and then his sister who came aong 2½ years later, the N SIL kicked me out. She was so beaten down with this Narcissism, she couldn't speak for herself.

I have been out of their lives ever since, although she left him in 1994, divorced 1996, took the children and left him with the debt of $55, 000.00 to me. That is now repaid.

but there was always a wall. I left Ontario with the damed N in 1998. What a shock to find out he was my SIL all over again.

Then I received notice that she was in a same-sex relationship, then 45, and her children grown but she has not applied a label to herself. I accepted that as she was finally in love and knows what love is. I was happy that she was happy at last, and thought I might hear from her more often, being that I openly accepted her life style. But No!

I seldom hear from her but she and her partner attended my sister's 70th birthday party and she introduced L. as her partner, and apparently no one blinked an eye. (perhaps inwardly?)

I think of her flittingly, and suspect I have accepted that I no longer have a daughter and 3 grandchildren. It was difficult, but it was like NC with an N;  the longer the NC the better one's life becomes.

We are not alone, I expect.

If I was a failure as a mother, I cannot see it, but I expect I must have been. I cannot see us ever having a relationship again and that is almost beyond my ability to realize. It is in outer space somewhere.

Much Love, and success in your journey to a peaceful mind

Izzy

P.S. I have always suspected that younger children say 12-20 who try, successfully or not, to try suicide, have sexual identity issues but it never dawned on me when she was 12. I just never applied it to my own child.
« Last Edit: October 03, 2010, 03:14:54 PM by Izzy_*now* »
"The joy of love lasts such a short time, but the pain of love lasts one's whole life"

Sela

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #27 on: October 05, 2010, 08:55:59 PM »
Hiya Hops,

I just have to say that your grace and resilience are two precious, wonderful parts of you.  Please keep taking good care of yourself, especially of your health!

I have battled the nature vs nurture issue in regards to my motherhoodness and children ....it seems forever.... and here's what I've concluded:

No one is perfect.  All mothers make some mistakes.  No child is perfect, some are easy and some are down right difficult to raise.  Just as some mothers are terrible, so some are wonderful.  And the biggest one of all:  We all make our choices.  I am neither perfect nor wonderful nor terrible and neither are my children.  But I am a good mother and my children are good people.  Both they and I have made good and not good choices (I'm speaking of them not only in adulthood but at the age of knowing right from wrong, as well).

Having said that, I come from a chaotic background and could not possibly know how to mother properly.  I did have much to learn.  I did ask and I did watch people I admired and I did read.  I did learn and I did do a much better job than my mother before me, in many ways.  I also messed up some too.

I bet, if you examine closely everything you've tried, every way you've tried to help your D, everything you've learned and implemented..... well I just bet you will be forced to accept that you have done a reasonable job and so stop blaming yourself and beating yourself up (which, I agree, is so easy and so tempting and just so "normal" to do, as we watch our children struggle and suffer).

You're doing one of the most difficult but important things any parent can do....and that is.....

allowing your D to make her own way in the world.

It's very, very difficult to watch and absolutely necessary.    Your job as nurturer continues, as it should, from a distance and now.....nature takes over.
She will do as she decides and survive and thrive accordingly.  Not up to you any more.  You're a good mother, Hops, to realize this and contain your urges to rescue.    You're a good mother because you have the urges to rescue.  You're a good mother because you want what good mothers want for their children....they want them to thrive and survive.

And you are a good mother because you are brave, Hops, for allowing her to take her own course, go on her own way.

Not easy but necessary because you won't be here forever so she must make it on her own.  You're a good mother for knowing that and for not interfering in it.

((((((((((((hug)))))))))))))  Good job Hops!!

Sela

Hopalong

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #28 on: October 07, 2010, 12:15:35 PM »
Sela, given the kind of heart you have...
and mind...and history.

Your reassurances strike deep and comfort me profoundly.

Thank you so much for writing this.
I am very grateful.

love
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Sela

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Re: Home & heart
« Reply #29 on: October 07, 2010, 02:35:33 PM »
You are most welcome and bless you Hops.

Sela