Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Hopalong]

I think I may have come a little closer to some kind of forgiveness for my own sake.

I love the sound of this.
The sound of the green blade pushing up through the sidewalk.

That's the power, MB...

So happy to hear that thought you're having, it will multiply and it DOES heal.

xo

Hops

[Meh]

Thanks, Lighter and Hops.

I do sleep ok considering the circumstances it could be a lot worse. I have been feeling tired though.

Probably lack of exercise, too much caffeine, and stress.

A few months ago I filled out a gym scholarship form for a reduced fee to exercise, I was awarded it but was never able to make use of it. I found out that I can stiil use it about 6 more times before it runs out so that means I will be at the gym for the next three days. That should help with my energy level.

[lighter]

I recently started working out regularly again. 

I feel so much better, have improved mood and more energy.

Hard to get started, but worth it, IME.

Lighter

[Meh]

I agree Lighter, I think working out is worth the effort.

I'm good with routines and keeping them, it's when my life changes and then I have to find a new way to exercise or a new gym etc.
If I can stay where I am I will try to get more involved with walking groups or something.

I see women out together in the early morning and that is something I would like to do, I just don't want to do it by myself because there are not very many people out and about yet and still a little dark in the AM.

[Meh]

Now I need to brain storm.

[Meh]

Decided to go to the Buddhist classes on their "generosity policy", frankly I would feel generous if I actually paid them because it's all so philosophical. Got started on the program logic model for my gig. Thought this night would be good for an early retirement to bed for once. Whatever was discussed in the Buddhist class went in one of my ears and out the other, the focus was the body.

A circle was formed out of navy blue cushions on the red painted floor, then the small group talked and listened. Maybe being involved in something as simple as this is a choice to have a voice in a little way.

Class talked about clear perceiving I almost blurted something out about Nar-people not "clear perceiving" I didn't blurt it out.   

The thing is I think my mother does have a perception about her own behavior. I don't believe nar-people are unaware of how they treat people BECAUSE my mother did go to a counselor one time and for about 2.5 weeks she was NICE to me! AND it was weird...but it proves that she knows how to be nice, she knows the meaning of it.

Enough about my mother, back to me, no back to you....no back to sleep. Good night.

[lighter]

Jumping rope, with a $10.00 speed rope, is good.... plastic, goes very fast. 

You can do it anywhere, in any weather, and it's great for building endurance.

You don't leave the ground but an inch or so, so you're not pounding the heck out of your joints.

You can pretend to jump rope at first, then add one when you can.  Ringside has them.  Standing on rope, measure to your hips on either side, and that's your rope length.

You can stand near a clock, jump for 2 minutes, take 30 seconds off, jump 2 minutes for as long as you can swing it.

40 minutes would be good.

Start with a minute, or less, if you have to build up endurance.

High energy music helps.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Hiya MB--

I'm not sure part-blue is actually equivalent to part-green...

it proves that she knows how to be nice, she knows the meaning of it.

I think if you mean she "knows the definition of what is 'nice behavior'", sounds like she does. But I think it would take more empathy (where she's damaged and limited) to really sense the meaning of it.

IOW, so much "niceness" seems empty and meaningless...unless one is actually vibrating with some empathy for the other, in which case one often recognizes that small kindnesses and courtesies and gentle language...mean something less than they appear on the surface. (Where they just look like "rules.")

dunno if that made sense,

Hops

[Meh]

I had my meeting with the shelter director, she was excited that I'm working on the grant but I don't know...I still don't have a job. The rule is school or job.

Any who....

So I went to the gym tonight, straight to the treadmill because that is an easy comfort zone thing to do. Walked and walked and walked some more, I'm a slow warmer upper then after that I got out of my comfort zone and got onto one of the gigantic stair step machines. Then I got back on the treadmill and ran and ran and ran. I decided that my fanny has the consistency of two pizza dough balls. Ha

Under the little bit of extra flab I still have some muscle even if I am many years out of shape I exceeded my expectations.
Some college girl was looking over at me in contempt because I was running and she is maybe just too dang lazy.

I have an imaginary friend on the tread mill, it's a horse that runs along besides me sort of like Mister Ed but this horse hasn't said anything to me yet. He is my pace setter.

After I got off the treadmill I discovered there is a rock climbing wall, really wish I could get on it but I can't get too distracted with too many activities no matter how "normal" I want my life to feel, I'm afraid the rug is going to be pulled out from under me. I shouldn't have too much fun or try to be normal...that is the script or the truth.

Earlier today I went to get a referral for a job that is posted on a state-job bank site. The pre-screening guy I talked to argued with me telling me that I wasn't qualified to apply for the job so he didn't want to give me the referral. I argued back because I HAD READ the job posting, I said, that it does not require managerial experience, he was trying to tell me that it did, then he went and he called the employer to find out what they really wanted, he walked back to me and apologized because he was wrong, then he continued to argue with me some more about something else. So I kind of figure he just didn't like the way I looked or something. I got the damn referral though.

I'm an expert at looking for jobs and I know how to read a job posting even better then Mr. Expert who is lucky enough to be employed at the office for job seekers (paid by tax payers) - not only that but I can politely argue circles around him.

Good Night.

[Meh]

Hiya MB--

I'm not sure part-blue is actually equivalent to part-green...

it proves that she knows how to be nice, she knows the meaning of it.

I think if you mean she "knows the definition of what is 'nice behavior'", sounds like she does. But I think it would take more empathy (where she's damaged and limited) to really sense the meaning of it.

IOW, so much "niceness" seems empty and meaningless...unless one is actually vibrating with some empathy for the other, in which case one often recognizes that small kindnesses and courtesies and gentle language...mean something less than they appear on the surface. (Where they just look like "rules.")

dunno if that made sense,

Hops

Hops, I agree with what you wrote it does make sense to me. What I have in my mind is that she treats her alcoholic husband well. At work she also acts normal. Her problem seems to be the kids, me and my brother both receive the weirdness.

I think she probably does have empathy but not for me. Selective empathy. Is that Narcissism?
I thought well if she was abused as a kid then that would explain it--but I'm just not sure something doesn't mesh for me--I prefer to think that maybe she is just possessed by an evil spirit.
If it was Nar-personality disorder wouldn't she expose everyone to her disorder instead of saving it all up for the daughter? I don't know.

One day my mother used the term "SILENT DESPERATION" to describe something I was experiencing and then I KNEW that SHE was aware of her own abuse. Otherwise she wouldn't be aware maybe? I don't really know it's not my area of expertise.

It's more like my mother treats me like crap because she thinks she can get away with it. It's always private between her and me or maybe her husband or aunt or brother is triangulated into it. One time I even told her she was triangulating and I realized that she was familiar with that term and she said defiantly "I don't care".

I don't think my mother is a psychopath she just hates me. It is weird to be hated by one's own mother for no good reason.

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Muffin! I want you to know how much I appreciate the things you've written and your viewpoint. I've had a really tough week but I've been reading... and well, it's been like touching solid rock for me to read your updates. It's been reassuring to me to see how you're thinking and feeling about things... like I'm not crazy for thinking about things the way I do, after all! Yeah, I was seriously starting to lose it...  :: weak half-hearted laugh ::

I got a good giggle out of your story about the bureaucratic peon. Poor guy! Sounds like he was so sure of himself and the facts and that was the only bit of real "power" he has in that position. Then he had to apologize...

... and admit he was wrong. Point to Muffin!   

And that's the difference between your mom and other people, you know. It matters not whether she's NPD, BPD, or just plain mean and doesn't like you - you might never know for sure (I don't). All most of us would do anything for... including sabotaging ourselves or becoming the targets of abuse... is to have someone sincerely say they are sorry; they were wrong; and to really mean it and change their behavior to prove they mean it (because there just isn't any more trust in words after certain boundaries are crossed).

It's a sad fact of life though that some people can't frame those words "I'm sorry" or "I was wrong" with their lips, much less really and truly mean it. I don't know why... it's almost as if they fear they will cease to exist - POOF! - if they admit they were/are wrong or screwed up... as if the burden of shame for being wrong is so great (even for simple transgressions) that their emotional defense mechanisms overcompensate and go into warp drive...

... I don't know - I'm just trying to find a way to explain the incomprehensible to myself.

[Hopalong]

If it was Nar-personality disorder wouldn't she expose everyone to her disorder instead of saving it all up for the daughter? I don't know.

That's a very good question, MB. It breaks my heart to know you feel hated by her. I don't know that I'd dignify her destructiveness with such a massive word as hate...but I sure understand that's what it looks like and sounds like and feels like. She's just broken. She can't love you well.

My Nmother had a student she had taught 60 years ago coming by to visit her every Christmas. He adored her. I could see him just awash with sentiment, sitting in the living room admiring her. She was like a Norman Rockwell image of an elementary school teacher...just perfectly put together, a sweet-looking round face, an eternally engaging, twinky facial expression, and a lively, musical way of talking. Skillful with social conventions and always, always telling (the same...groan) anecdotes. Kind of like a female Ronald Regan. She had a sort of cloud of "I am adorable, and delightful and I am perky" kind of nature that her public persona projected perfectly. She had reams of admirers. She was twinkly. She was amazingly responsive to others in conversation. She would do girlish gasps, intakes of breath, spasms of delightedness in conversation.

Numbly, exhaustedly, I watched...for decades. She was a beautiful parrot.

So, no...I think none of them knew that she was a narcissist. There may have been an occasional confusion I saw on her smarter friends' faces. But the twinkles, and the tea parties, and the social liveliness...brought them back for more.

By the end, though, in the last hardest years, I realized she really had no close friends. One, perhaps, but Mom looked down at her, and the woman's cringing loyalty wasn't something Mom seemed moved by. Ultimately, she was alone...with me.

I do believe I, and my daughter to a degree, were the only ones who knew her well enough to hit that sharp rocky shallow that was unexpectedly close to the surface of the stream. Most others, I think, just saw the sparkly musical water.

Hops

[Meh]

Hops,

I have been looking at it from the perspective as she is broken and somehow that takes responsibility away. I've noticed how no one in my family, aunt, uncles, grandparents never expected her to have real responsibility.

“She’s broken she can’t help it, she can’t help herself, he is an alcoholic he can’t help himself, or she is a bully she can’t help herself….

You know what I mean? I think I categorize a different type of forgiveness for me but don’t need to offer excuses or justifications for her??

I don’t know, just thinking out loud here.

I rather have something I call “hateful-forgiveness”  It's where I forgive and let go enough for me to be healthy but stay alert and realistic enough to always remember the need for protecting myself. Or something like that I will have to come back to it another time.

I guess I bring it up because there is some interplay between forgiveness, personal strength, boundaries, self-deception, denial etc.

I wonder if thinking of her as broken is not the best way to look at it? Wondering if looking at it as hateful isn't somehow more powerful for me. Not so much about feeling bad about the situation, just thinking that "broken" is too kind absolving responsibility.

Anyways, it's not in the forefront of my mind now it's an after-thought on-going dialogue with self about mother.

I'm not feeling bad about it, I just think I slip into a state of forgetting how mean she really is because it's a dark undercurrent that she doesn't always allow to surface but it's always there.

[Meh]

I got a good giggle out of your story about the bureaucratic peon. Poor guy! Sounds like he was so sure of himself and the facts and that was the only bit of real "power" he has in that position. Then he had to apologize...

... and admit he was wrong. Point to Muffin!   

Glad it made you laugh. It's not that I am trying to be right and make other people wrong, it's just that my life recently has helped me find a fierceness that I never had before. That elusive thing called standing up for oneself, I think I'm finally starting to do it. I guess these people really don't know what I've been through and it feels good to me to experience what it's like to be a tough cookie and advocate for myself.

I thought he was being odd because I have gotten referrals before through these job-bank-offices without so much fuss --But it was great that I could go back to the facts over and over and that in the end I got what I needed. I needed to have that experience!

You are right about the power thing, they get a little power-thing going on. That's fine, they can be however they want to be.

One time I worked a job where I sat as a receptionist in an entrance way to a fancy corporate headquarters office. The controllers office was right next to my desk, she talked on the phone all day, when she had her door open I could listen to her and I always admired her ability to "argue".
It wasn't like nar-arguments or drunk fights it was arguing with intelligence or something else.

The controller was a petite pretty woman, she worked with a lot of tall men in business suits and she held her own, she was respected. She would be discussing multi-million dollar accounts over the phone in her office and I would just listen to her day after day.

Funny that she came to my mind because I haven't thought about her for years but maybe unconsciously I thought of her as being a role model of sorts.

[Meh]

If it was Nar-personality disorder wouldn't she expose everyone to her disorder instead of saving it all up for the daughter? I don't know.

My Nmother had a student she had taught 60 years ago coming by to visit her every Christmas. He adored her. I could see him just awash with sentiment, sitting in the living room admiring her. She was like a Norman Rockwell image of an elementary school teacher...just perfectly put together, a sweet-looking round face, an eternally engaging, twinky facial expression, and a lively, musical way of talking. Skillful with social conventions and always, always telling (the same...groan) anecdotes. Kind of like a female Ronald Regan. She had a sort of cloud of "I am adorable, and delightful and I am perky" kind of nature that her public persona projected perfectly. She had reams of admirers. She was twinkly. She was amazingly responsive to others in conversation. She would do girlish gasps, intakes of breath, spasms of delightedness in conversation.

Numbly, exhaustedly, I watched...for decades. She was a beautiful parrot.

So, no...I think none of them knew that she was a narcissist. Hops

Hops, THANK YOU for sharing this, it's confirming towards my own experience. As one person looking out and feeling like I am the only one who sees it, it's something that was very hard as a child, little less difficult as an adult but still messes with one's confidence in the world and CONFIDENCE in one's own perceptions.

Makes me wonder if the nice part is a real aspect of the "nar"-personality or if the receiver of the niceness is a pawn in the nar-charade.