Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Meh]

Ok, now I'm cutting myself off from the board until later this evening.

I'm reminding myself not to identify too much with the habits of the shelter people even though I need to get-along.

I'm not obligated to do anything or take responsibility for any person in the shelter.

[Meh]

I have about three pages worth of random thoughts about my grant application. Went to the library and filled out library card application and THEN got three books about grant writing. Located an intro to grant writing class happening this Monday.

I'm a bit intimidated, out of practice, still trying.

I get it, I just don't know if I can get it out.

I have attended a meeting at a community foundation that awards grant money, I understand the idea of quantifiable goals and measurements. It's just putting it all together.

My brain is working very hard. Poor little brain. It's been a very long time since I have had to do any type of homework.
I'm just going to keep brain storming as much as I can and then put something together in a draft.
It's going to come together. It's going to come together.

It's just technical writing in a specific format.

I'm going to do it, I'm doing it.

The foundation is looking for a project that will enhance community connections.

Ok, So "Keep it Simple Stupid"

I have all the resources I need at my fingertips.

I realize that other people have developed these types of programs over long-periods of time. I'm getting a crash course on a whole lot of stuff right now.

[Meh]

It's starting to come together little by little, sentence by sentence. I had to go old-school and break down the components in an outline format that is helping because now I just address one section at a time.

[sKePTiKal]

Oh YEAH -

I absolutely need outlines when I'm doing "formal" writing... it helps me know when I've said enough and keeps me from saying too much. And charts and diagrams... being able to present information visually (in addition to the narrative) to highlight points or simply complicated relationships - so many people respond more quickly to visual info like this.

An outline is like a first composition sketch....

I just read a very well written article in this week's Bloomberg magazine - it's by Mary Meeker, a techie from the "old days" who has moved on to finance. It's called "USA, Inc"... never mind the subject matter. I brought it up, because it's concise, to the point, is enjoyable to read, and simplifies a very, very complex topic so well that one can't miss the "meaning" and significance of the statistics she packs her article with. Page 49.

No matter what anyone says about content being the most important thing in writing (and I agree with them), I've found that the graphics background I have - and presenting info in an organized and attractive fashion - helps get the thing read - heard - and makes it stand out.

Good luck kiddo! It sounds like you're off to a good start...

[Meh]

Thank you, Phoenix.

A portion of this is about city beautification. I'm having a little struggle with the value of that because so often it is not thought of as a high priority amongst the people I have worked with who are very plain, status acheiver, analytical types.

Many people like "beautification" in the end even Hells Angels can like beautiful areas.

So maybe I just need to be careful about how to word this part. I don't like the word beautification it sounds like going to the spa.

Sounds like blow drying a poodle into a puff-ball shape.

Instead I need to move it towards something that indicates healthy, vibrant, inspiring etc.

Heeeehh....I have faith that it will work itself out if I keep writing long enough. Like a tortoise. Keep on keep on.......

God, I think I will have to do an all-nighter. It's just like an international flight to get somewhere.

My heart is happy and sad, burdened and inspired all at the same time. Every time I feel the sensation of fear in my chest, I need to breathe not be too constricted. Fear is contracting to me, a consolidating contraction. Each time I feel fear I take a mini moment and sit with it, my normal thing to do is just keep on moving faster and faster out-running myself almost. Away from the body moving into the future mind ahead of my feet. There is snow melting outside, I had to walk here in the snow this morning, but I have secured my little corner of the universe in this cafe. My little corner has a view out the window.

Most of what I am writing is about putting together it is not deep from my soul but it is uncanny that I ended up working on this.
I can explain more later, maybe in the end there will be one or two lines where my individual soul gets to speak, a peek-a-boo standing out in the formula that defies convention. Just a little line in there somewhere.

This is pretty much a vision and mission statement for a project.
I have written vision and mission statements before.

My eyes were trying to focus on an object sitting on a dresser, it's an onion but for a moment I thought it was a sea-urchin because I'm tired.

[Meh]

A while ago I made up a character called Miss Do-Do list because she was my control freak part.

Recently I have so much to do that I have let her take over my life. I wonder if she helps me get things done though-- I don't know.

Today: One down and a bazillion left to finish.

[Hopalong]

I agree with you about "beautification", MB...

...very treacly term. (But maybe it "has to" be used anyway, no matter.)

You are doing an excellent job, it is absolutely obvious.

Give yourself some mercy while you go.

Some kind pats.

Okay?

Hops

[Meh]

Went to my "big important meeting" today with the city planning representatives and business associations, was hoping for more focus and clarity of vision but instead I was shocked that the "plans" seem to be bounding in every direction and growing even though they don't have any money for this project yet. They talked about all their ideas and then the very last second of the meeting they wanted to email me about the grant application....maybe to include all of their wild ideas? I thought the whole meeting should be about how to secure funding.

I'm feeling overwhelm and a bit irritated. That is me because I'm uptight and I like to have a clear plan.

There is a chance that if this is not organized well or targeted it won't get funded at all.

In the end, I suppose I need to let it go, only do my best based on the circumstances at hand as life presents it's self.

There is one "as life presents it's SELF"

I feel like it's chaos and the city groups are really using the arts community for generating more money for business --that is fine that is a part of it but the grant is not going to be compelling if it's about just making more money because the foundation that gives the money likes to give to cultural, arts and social services projects not just greedy business owners. The business owner advocates want the grant to say more about their stuff. I don't know. At first I thought these people know what's going on but then after the meeting I changed my mind that they were all over the place with this weird planning thing. I guess that's what these weird community projects are all about.

I have heard people complain about these types of community projects before because there are too many people stirring the pot.

I just have to wait and see what they forward me.

I have learned a lot already even if this is not a successful project. I'm worried that I could be blamed for it not getting funded because of the application but they have had other projects that didn't get funded.

I feel sad because I invest a lot of myself into projects and jobs or whatever and I want to see something be successful and authentic meaning that it does serve the goals of the grantee.

Today they were adding on things out of the blue "lets add an art cafe" Maybe we will change the whole theme of the project. Blah blah blah....it changes week to week. Do these people even know what they want?

I'm all for brain-storming but this is solid vision time.

Maybe it's my control freak talking here. I'm accustomed to science environments.

These people still have not decided exactly what this project IS. I feel like we should leave the experimentation up to the artists but the organizing planning committee should be organized and should have a plan.

If I was at the foundation reviewing this project, I would like the concept, it is worthy and addresses a community issue --but I would not award the money based on poor planning/organization and lack of vision.

The city and business groups want to use the artists they just don't want the artists to run-a-muck and take over the city or something-----like teenage mutant ninja turtles?

[Hopalong]

You are one sharp tack, MB...

I think you're seeing it all perfectly accurately, and that you will get the very most out of this experience if you...

go with it.

Just like you said, go with it as it comes and see what shapes it takes, make your peace with your (valid) criticisms, recognize there's just no way you can control all the parts or all the players, release the outcome, do your best but also have some fun with it.

This is you, shining.

This laboratory is full of the unexpected and you can handle that.

(No WAY they would make you responsible if the funding doesn't happen...what matters is you're doing a champ job giving it .)

Winning it don't matter. Doing it matters, that is ALL.

All you need to be into. The doing.

And you are!

(The rest will take care of itself. This is just a great thing to be doing, regardless.)

GOOD JOB. GOOD, GOOD JOB!



Hops

[Meh]

Thank you Hops,

It feels good to hear "good job".

[Meh]

Yoga class is tonight thankfully.

After "the big important meeting" I came "home" to where my new "friend" decided to have an open hearted divulging about her ex-husband who is a homosexual and incestuous.

I feel like I am surrounded by chaos and trouble.

After yoga, I'm coming back to fill up my day-planner with my minutia--it helps me feel calm even if the day planner is --"dust in the wind".

I need to set some limits and boundaries for myself maybe...do this much (     ) and then hand it off.

I hate it when life determines my priorities rather then my soul/spirit/body deciding what the priority is for my life.

I want to shape my life like a sculpture but even art has it's unexpected moments. If I was good enough I could control it, skillfully deciding. --That is one of those underlying thoughts.

[sKePTiKal]

Meh.

Truth is, it's our subconscious and it's ability to tap into collective consciousness - or the void I used to call it - that provides that spark of inspiration - sometimes whole images - for "art". It's a whiff of something in the air... a charge of electricity at some just below awareness frequency... we learn to "go with the flow" some... just to be able to catch the wave long enough, to try to "surf life"...

but enough pseudo-profound babble. Practically speaking, I cringe at the thought of designing a project by committee - especially a large one - precisely for the reasons you're worried. What has worked for me in the past, is to list everyone's idea/contribution... and thank them for their important contribution (ego-stroking, yes, but very important to recognize their work and ideas). Then, with a very small group of people (where's your director in all this?)... rank the ideas for chance of success for the grant, feasibility to implement, value to the overall vision of the mission... what stays? what goes? what has the most chance of standing out among other grant entries?

Toss the "tried & tired" ideas... but look for a commonality in some of the wackier ideas to those old successful ones... some element that gets to the point of the whole project. Then, it's important to know "who decides" what gets in the final grant - typically that's not the grant writer - but it does sound as if you've been given a fair amount of input into that process. That's good - but I don't think it would be fair to "stick you" with the decision of what goes into the grant, along with writing it, and also making you the messenger of the final design back to the stakeholders on the committee. You should only have one of those responsibilities - "officially", that is. There might be fuzzy lines in reality... but officially, it doesn't work for you to wear all 3 hats... and I can see where you might worry! I wouldn't be all that comfortable in that position - because I've been there before and it's not a happy place. That person can get blame from all sides... you know? EVEN if the grant application succeeds...

I'd say it's time to touch base with your director, even if she was at the meeting, to carve out better definitions of roles & responsibilities - and get her take on the collection of ideas you've got.

GOOD LUCK, Muffin! This sounds really exciting... and it is possible to "surf this" too... and I hope your experience with this is much better than mine was...

[Meh]

Some days I find it so hard to stay connected with life.

The days when I feel good are usually when I feel like I have learned something or done something new.

Days when I feel bad are one's where I waste time and get no-where.

I'm faced with the Maslow's hierarchy of needs issue daily.

I feel like I can't get off of the bottom two levels of that stupid pyramid no matter what I do.

Physiological and Safety always cause me worry. The Belonging and Self Esteem are a struggle.

The very top of the pyramid is where the "meaning" part is.

The problem is I don't feel motivated to survive without meaning or something to look forward to. I just feel fear and stress that is the motivation.

I think people need all of those things all the time. Need food, need safety, need belonging, need self-esteem, need purpose.

I'm tired of trying so hard to get those things when I think I see other's taking them for granted.


The concept of "effort" comes up in Buddhist teachings. Worry and stress feel like effort but it doesn't lead to an actual goal.

I'm burnt out.

[sKePTiKal]

Days when I feel bad are one's where I waste time and get no-where.

Maybe I can interpret this differently. See it differently.

Days when you waste time and get no-where... are days when you need to rest... not think about the big projects in front of you (and the plural is not a typo)... when you just need a time-out for self-care... some yoga... special healing foods... an extra meditation session - or just doing something you need to do, that you've let the new work schedule hog all the time for...

I have learned - the hard way - that throwing more & more time and effort at anything, till I'm obsessed and consumed (chewed up & spit out) is the surest way to guarantee that I'm not doing my best - and working myself into a self-fulfilling prophecy (based on anxiety). And I do think this approach is a result - a response to living in a dysfunctional FOO situation, with upside-down relationships and responsibilities... I've also found that there are parts of me that cling to this approach as if my life depended on it and refuses to change - and even sabotages attempts to change. I feel horrible too when I can't seem to drag my butt into what lives on my to-do list...

It is hard work to teach myself that it's OK - nothing bad will happen - if I deliberately give myself a day off, or a half-day to just rest or do something fun... my fingers are still clamped down in a death-grip on the infinitely steep and difficult rock wall I'm trying to climb...

... and I forget from time to time, that it's OK (in fact it's necessary for me) to arrange my life in such a way that there is balance between the work & sacrifices I make and the things I do for me... and I've even added other people now, on that side of the balance sheet - things I do for other people or with other people - that are refreshing to me.

The work will be there after you've taken care of yourself... and if you take care of yourself FIRST... you'll be able to bring more to the work - more creativity, problem-solving, more energy, more YOU - and also receive more good stuff from the work. No one will think badly of you and you aren't being lazy or worthless simply because you require a time-out to care for yourself... even exciting, fun things can use up energy... and to keep them fun and exciting it's absolutely necessary to allow yourself the physical, emotional and mental rest you need.

It's OK, Muffin.

[Meh]

A chamber orchestra came to a theater a few blocks away from where I'm at, two tickets were gifted to me for being a volunteer, last night I brought a bi-polar, homeless alcoholic for companionship.

The day before I was strongly encouraged by one of the other women to go over to a church and look through their free stuff for homeless people, I did rummage through the old used stuff, I found a black & red & gold velvety brocade type fabric jacket. The jacket has one missing button, an abstract pattern of gold butterflies, and red roses. The same place had a pile of scarves, I grabbed a red old grandma scarf not realizing that it was an accessory for the jacket.

So last night, I put on my jacket and red scarf, went to art gallery with my companion and looked at encaustic paintings.

Then we went to the theater that (I think) auspiciously was beautifully red, black and gold inside.

The music was fine, my companion seemed to follow the music during the performance with her breathing, I think she enjoyed it.
Prior to this, just the day before, she had a tooth extracted. Her face and body language looks haggard most of the time.
I don't really want to become long-term friends with her, I think she may be dangerous somehow, but it was one good night.
The way she relates to me feels like an alcoholics anonymous meeting even on a Friday night out on the town, she can't stop talking about her challenge with alcohol and her fear that some guy is going to follow her home at night walking in the dark. Walking with her made me a little nervous because her fearful body language is an attractant.

Putting her faults aside and my faults aside, the nice thing was that she paid attention to the art more then I do, and I consider myself to be a creative type. Sometimes we appreciate life more with the help of other's ability to see.

-----

I truly live with a bunch of freaks, I say that in a cynical humorous but true way.

The young woman 24ish who is very thin 80-90lbs max (anorexic/bulimic) woke up this morning and started using a children's cake baking play-set that came in a cardboard box with pictures of a cartoon girl with pink hair on it for a logo. She was standing in the shared kitchen in plaid high-heels, a pastel apron while mixing sugar and dye for this kid's mini-microwave cake. She talks in a little girl’s voice. She had me smell the blue fondant cake mix.

I'm in my 30's and I'm wearing a used grandma outfit sitting here trying to find space for myself that doesn’t smell like fake cake and burning bacon, that doesn’t involve watching a stranger track dirt into an area I'm obligated to clean.

There is an older woman at the shelter that I don't like very much, she burps a lot, when she burps she vocalizes the burps into Bart Simpson like expressions.   "buuurr--doo'oohhh"     I'm not sure if she has turrets or what but sometimes I just want to tell her to shut-up.

I so wish I had a private office to go to (my own) not a job office but a different place.

I would have a desk for writing and an area for painting. I would have some plants in my office.
The floor would be clean, wood, there would be very little clutter, it would smell clean it would be sunny.
I would spread out all the papers I have on the desk and I would file them.

Not much else to say.

I woke up with an acid stomach, asked the other women if they get that also due to stress, only feedback I got was that it could be a sign of ulcers.

Mind went blank that is all I have to write now.