Finding voicefulness......losing......finding.....practicing..

[Meh]

Tonight listened to live music, now sleepy, walked in the night rain, saw a bright blue light like a transformer and a noise and then guys laughing, winding down for sleep and wondering what I feel.

Checking in with my SELF there is business. Busy bee.

Back is sore that is mainly what I noticed today in meditation.

Awkward and shame.

Tried a new kind of meditation practice, it was boring and I will probably do it again because I have an affinity for boring at times, thousands of people have done it for hundreds or thousands of years....sheesh I don't know. The do know says just don't worry about it and continue.

I shouldn't write this at all but I will, it crossed my mind what it would be like living from one place to the next place and so on as a way of life and existence on this earth. I think it's dangerous and I have fear and it's not my plan but my plans don't always work out and maybe some combination of things in my life has "snapped" so to speak. Partially me partially sick of a crap economy and a crap looking future. There is part of me that wants to "give up" on trying to be more normal and the main motivator that opposes me giving up is sheer fear.

I plan to wake up and read a few more stories out of my children's book while I have coffee till it's read through every single story. I even shared one of the poems with one of the sorority sisters here.

What was rich and fullfilling today? The music and the night rain the odd offer to take a cooking class that I turned down because I ran out of time to do it. The odd offer a young lady in beauty school made to me to give me a manicure and pedicure so she could practice!
Me observing life in it's strange moments- my psychologist "acquaintance" behaving badly.
And when I was purchasing a plant start that is an Asian herb not typically found here in the US for growing. The woman who works at the plant nursery that ordered it didn't even know what it was and she asked me since I was going to buy it and then I started telling her what it tastes like and how it is cooked and how it's used raw and even that I have read research articles about the health benefits of it and it is being researched for disease treatments.....it felt so good being knowledgeable about something, I've been feeling like I am not an expert on anything with all of this interest and skill assessment stuff.

I wanted to be an herbalist of sorts since I was a little girl and a teenager. I feel like my aura changes when I'm around plants a complete shift. So I was thinking how much I love plants but then the relationship ends in me munching on them.  
I apologized to my Asian herb today while walking saying "I love you but I have to eat you" after I tickled my face with it's leaves.

Talking to the community about the strange smell in the air the past couple of days, speculation and then getting an answer from someone on the third ask. The joy of other people noticing the change in the environment also. I planted some dill plants. I decided that I will drink more water, it's the laziest health-positive step I could take. I did drink more water today.

[Meh]

When is learning or confirming with other people's story useful or not useful.

Is something useful even if it's painful. Is it closer to truth to stay with the pain.

I've been considering reading a book that I figure I'm going to relate to but I'm doubting it also, I may be torturing myself my reading it, it no doubt will have another's persons oppinion about this type of suffering and it will not be kind in light...it would be "gritty" as they like to say and it's fine for the author to write gritty stuff about another's life but what about the author writing their own grit and judging their own suffering?

The judgement of suffering......and identification with the sufferer.....and then the sufferer's suicide...

Do I really need to fill my mind with this stuff...well maybe not.

Maybe it's healthy to cover wounds with scabs and avoidance and that is what a healthy person would do I think actually.

[Meh]

So today someone was semi-passed out on the floor, I saw her, another woman motioned to me to come over like "Hey shouldn't we do something"...or rather....." hey look at this...are you going to do something about it"....

I didn't walk over to the women I made a hand motion of "screw that".

So I went off on my way to leave and go find a musical instrument to make some noise on, exactly what I did- made some music.

The wonderful part of it now is the next time there is a problem belonging to someone else maybe they won't be looking at me to respond to it.

I guess when there is a problem I FEEL like it's my problems sometimes. Even when the problem is not mine.

I wonder if walking away from other people's chronic crisis is a form of Voicefulness. Clearly other's were waiting on me to do something before they themselves did anything about it. WHY SHOULD I have to be that person, IF I don't wish to be involved. There is some sort of social ettiquette that I have been unlearning. The social ettiquette that says I always have to do the "good" thing for other people EVEN when they are not doing the "good" thing for themselves.... I don't know.

There are so many times my brother almost "did himself in"...and yet he still remainds in this world of his own accord as much as he is willing to be in this world as an alcoholic who doesn't give a F about anybody else but himself.

So yeah, I don't want to give a F about all those people who don't give a flyin F about anyone else.

By the time I got back someone else had delt with the situation, paramedics showed up yada yada....woman pissed on the floor....yada...yada...

I decided that I don't have to be the responsible tattle tale all the time.
Felt good to walk away frankly from someone who is not my friend.

That's not the whole of my day...there are lots of mundane bits in there. Contemplated not doing one of my volunteer gigs in exchange for a more fun activity. Very unlike me to not show up, to be irresponsible yet I think I shall skip the volunteer gig with the unappreciative person. Heck, there are plenty other volunteers who don't make their volunteering a priority.
Well, I guess it all depends on the weather.


I guess the question statement to self is : TO BE RESPONSIBLE TO MY OWN GREATER WELLBEING.

If I walk away from what I think is Bull-cr@p enough times will I eventually find the non-Bull Cr@p.

Certainly my DO-KNOW is firmly planted in the area of non-Bull-poopy.

I don't want to be the hall monitor. I don't want to be the crossing guard. I don't want to be anybody's mommy except for me.  

That last bit feels like a powerful statement to me.


I want to be the person who is not stuck with something that is just happening right there. I want to be biking with a friend, dancing, playing music, pic-nicing, working a job that is worth doing, I want to be moving my body and not get fat, I want to go to a class where I  learn something. Learn almost anything. Feel a little bit unenriched right now. You can throw some seeds in there but if the soil is bad all that will grow are weeds.

There is a good survival strategy in being like a weed. There is also a down side to becoming like a weed.

Be like a weed, indiscriminately grow where you don't belong and are unwanted, choke out other plants and proliferate as much as you possibly can, be very difficult to get rid of, survive in poor soil, display unremarkable flowers, produce no sweet fruit, be inedible.

[Meh]

Last night was the night from HELL. I didn't get any sleep and my anxiety level is pretty much through the roof.

There was a woman who looks like a zombie with a gigantic bruise or something on her face? Talking incoherently and slurred to herself. Tried to get at me last night 2:30 AM but no way in heck was I asleep I was ready for her.

The lame security person thought she would sleep it off but she is on some serious toxic substance. She is figeting around 24 hours a day, exposing herself.

So this is just a three day survival weekend. Luckily numerous people have been complaining about her. I just happened to notice the impending problem weeks ago.

Stupid director is no where to be found on the three day weekend while I spent the night with Zombie. YEAH I've seen real zombies.

She urinated on the carpet. Sorry, I'm just so tired and fearful and angry right now.

Finially as predicted she nearly started a fire because she can't be unsupervised. So someone complained about that.
She turned on a sink and let the water over flow and flood the floor. Duh.

I just hate when I wonder "how bad does it have to get"

Thats it for now.

As it turns out I didn't volunteer at all as scheduled I didn't even contact them yet. I spent the day trying to come up with a plan for a safe place to get some sleep.

[Meh]

Zombie woman is kicked out. I used some voicefulness with that.


Today I watched a thunder storm while sitting under an awning just giving myself time to reach equilibrium after the nightmare weekend. Couple of days ago I broke down crying outside of a grocery store and at least a couple people were turning their heads in their cars as they were driving through the parking lot to look at me, I must have looked pretty distressed. It came from the stress of being around sick and unsafe people.

Tired now.

Tomorrow has to be 100% chop wood and carry water, no nonsense.

[Meh]

Finding Voicefulness: I have not been actively searching for it recently or aware of it too much.

Losing: I don't think that I have been losing more than typical. I have not been regularly exercising it. I admit in this area I feel a loss for simply not having someone close to me that I speak to. I don't share personal stuff with the people around me, the dumb details of my day or just my thoughts really. The very little things that people who know each other well talk about.

Practicing: Not so much.

I haven't been thinking about Narcissism very much- hey but now that I'm on the board:

Recently I watched a movie with a young woman that is severely bulemic or something. I think she eats but throws it up. I cooked her a meal the other day and then we watched a movie. I've met her mother who doesnt seem overly concerned with her daughter's illness and somehow I see that as being bad but I'm likely to sometimes glaze over in my mind how my own mother has also been a bad mother to me. It's just weird seeing into another disfunctional mother-daughter relationship. My mother always talks to me as if all the BS in my life is normal and sometimes I begin to think that it is.

It's strange listening to the young woman, she has counselors and she has social workers around her who can visually see her physical situation but none of them seems able to really help her. I guess she can't afford to go to a treatment center or something like that.
She expressed to me that the women in her church group don't include her very much and she feels like an outsider, she also mentioned that she feels like she can't identify with the frivolity of the young church women.

I would say that no matter what life changing and grief-full issue a family faces, whatever hardship that a family is up against, if it is poverty or illness in the family,it is maybe tolerable to live through it as a "part of life". Yet when a family is full of disfunction these things are intolerable because there is already existing a deep ground work of emotional betrayal, abuse and neglect.

For a while I struggled with why it's difficult to take in some family's stories of hardship and it's because they are functional and the hardship they have is normal. Then there are some families whose hardship is in a whole other realm such as the young woman's.

It's really not what I need to be focused on though.



Nothing bad occured and nothing good occured today. That is fine.

I'm reading a good book, the kind of book that makes me feel smarter afterwards for having had read it.

Earlier there was a fuzzy crecent moon behind some sky moisture.

Night.

 

[Meh]

The last couple of days I have had a few little stupid things happen that has been equivalent to someone dropping stones into my typically quite, bottomless pit of growing anger.

I have that road rage feeling where I want to flip people off, about every third person.

Someone asked my how I was a couple days ago, I answered "bitchy". She said okay I'll leave you alone. I said "Okay".

She asked me if I was any less bitchy today, I said: Today I'm psychotically bitchy.

Thing is I feel psychotically bitchy but I've never been great at being mean.

I'm going to give myself a little time to figure out what to do with my psychotic bitchiness. Okay screen is cutting me off. I will start another.

[Meh]

When I'm this angry, I think I almost start to hallucinate. It's like blind rage, I start to not make sense anymore.

I know exactly what is making me flip out. It's not one little thing, it's numerous unresolved things.

I got some kung fu movies from the library, maybe if I watch them it will somehow be a psychological outlet for my pissyness.

Unfortunately for me when I get to this point I throw around these looks of disgust and hate to just about everybody indiscriminately.

So since there is no real processing for me to do since I have processed every little pathetic aspect of my life into a fine powder.....uh...maybe I just need to go on that picnic. There is a park by a lake that I can get to that I have been wanting to explore. I have a picnic blanket and a picnic book and a picnic bag. And a picnic outfit.

Just a new little place is a good way to get some perspective. It's summer so I'm going on a big F-ing picnic.

[Meh]

Tempted to write "nothing important to say".

Feeling a little mellow, not so much relaxed just mellow. Walked down a quiet country road this evening and enjoyed it. Saw a deer and decided not to get too close, been told they have sharp claws.

I think I should enjoy life in private, seems like whenever I do something good for myself there is someone who wants to distract me from doing it, or thinks "there is a person who has too much time on their hands, or there is a person who isn't working hard enough".

anyways that might be it for my writing

maybe my voice is tired

Yes, my voice is tired of being voiced, I don't feel like I have energy to tell the details any longer or at this moment.

[Meh]

Came here to write then erased. Just don't feel like it. All just little bits and pieces, snippits.

Things that do and don't matter. Looking down at baby fish shadows under a bridge. Neighbor who is afraid of chemotherapy.
The To-Do's that got done and the To-Do's that didn't get done.

I'm uncertain about everything. My stuff is a mess, I have cinnamon graham crackers crushed into my church made quilt. I have wilted sweetpea and nasturtium flowers flopping in a found vase. Cut out paper silhouettes and random paper snips mixed in with a cookbook from the 70's, a rolling pin used for dubious purposes, stinky black socks, fumigated toiletries, a bowl of kale greens dehydrating, hot sauce, a set of business slacks and top and floral silk scarf crumpled up in a ball in the corner on top of a stained yoga mat. Cans of beans. A towel that will not get clean no matter how many times I wash it. Hand me down disposable wall hooks that stick on with adhesive. Stuff.

Tomorrow is one massive To-Do. I better sleep.

[Meh]

Coming here to vent.

I feel so angry when I have explained and described something to my mother about 10 times, things that are important to me.

She will look like she is listening sort of but in a distracted detached way, it's like it doesn't go through or she just doesn't get it, or is in denial or something, she just doesn't give a sh*t.

Then at a later time she will say something to me that demonstrated that what ever I said to her 10 times went through one ear and out the other something that sounds idiotic to me.

And maybe that is part of her not seeing me or acknowledging that I'm a separate real entity because she reflects back some warped version. It just feels sick and never ends.

She pisses me off. There is no solution except for zero contact even limited contact becomes problematic.

There is a horrendous abundance of terrible advice and all I can think is I can hear it but I don't have to take it. .....


You Can Lead A Horse To Poison But You Can't Make It Drink

[Meh]

At the grocery store this was on the speaker system, this poem.

I like this poem. Going to stick it here for the moment. Charles Bukowski. Reminds me of attempting a version of voicefulness. Different versions of the experience of voicefulness.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F5GXCwjIuwc     Tom Waits reads it
 
The Laughing Heart
your life is your life
don't let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is a light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can't beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

A few more:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ai_bGyLOspw&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80Rwq3swNAU&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TPzWLPAxn1o&feature=related

I found this also...one poem in the grocery store leads me to more Bukowski stuff:

ON PSYCHIATRY:
"What do psychiatric patients get? They get a bill.
I think the problem between the psychiatrist and the patient is that the psychiatrist goes by the book, while the patient arrives because of what life has done to him or her. And even though the book may have certain insights, the pages are always the same in the book, and, each patient is a little bit different. There are many more individual problems than pages. Get it? There are too many mad people to do it by saying, "dollars per hour, when this bell rings, you're finished." That alone will drive any near-mad person to madness. They've just started to open up and feel good, when the shrink says, "Nurse, make the next appointment," and they've lost track of the price, which is also abnormal. It's all too stinking worldly. The guy is out to take your ass. He's not out to cure you. He wants his money. When the bell rings, bring in the next "nut." Now the sensitive "nut" will realize when that bell rings, he's being fucked. There's no time limit to curing madness, and there's no bills for it either. Most psychiatrists I've seen look a little close to the edge themselves. But they're too comfortable...I think they're all too comfortable. I think a patient wants to see a little madness, not too much. Ahhhh! (bored) PSYCHIATRISTS ARE TOTALLY USELESS! Next question? "

[Meh]

Thought I would come here and write a little. A couple of nights ago I had a telephone conversation with my mother one of the topics being that she wanted to tell me to go see a psychiatrist.

This isn't anything new. My mother and my aunt (her sister) jointly managed to get my brother committed into a psychiatric ward a few years ago. Surprise! That didn't really help him any, hasn't changed anything in his life for the better. Surprise!
My aunt and uncle would never have their daughter put into a psychiatric ward, it would never happen because they are *too good for that*.

So since my mother periodically tells me to go see a psychiatrist I'm not surprised by it because she has done it before.

I've seen a lot of counselors and yes even a psychiatrist years back who didn't diagnose me with anything like what my mother seems to want me to be diagnosed with (terminal badness and unlovableness).

I'm almost too tired to even bother to write for whatever reason. Because it's the same story and the same conversation but still I feel like I still need to write it out. debrief.

So when she started the topic again of me going to go see a psychiatrist I stood up to her pretty well. It didn't break down into an all out argument which is typically what she is trying to start with me is arguments. Then at one point in the conversation she started telling me about her seeing a counselor and she said that she had to go see a counselor twice in one week as if it's my fault. She said it was because she was stressed out over my situation but then I pointed out to her that nothing has changed with my situation to make her stressed out. She just got back from visiting my brother though in another state. So I said to her "maybe this has more to do with you visiting him then it does with me, he is pretty disturbed".

I think she has the hope that one day she will find a counselor who will tell her to set me on fire.

Between my freaky mother and my alcoholic freaky brother I somehow become the scape goat for them (or they try). But this time she admitted "yes he is really disturbed". Of course it doesn't ever sink into her idiot brain that it has a lot to do with her abuse.

So when she started to launch into telling me about her counseling session I told her I didn't want to know what she discusses with her counselor. I said thats between you and your counselor and I don't need to know that. She kept on talking so I reiterated and then she finally stopped telling me.

The whole conversation was a bullshit conversation. A crazy making bullshit conversation. Even though I didn't let it get to me because it's become so predictable it's easy to maneaver around her now.

[Meh]

Voicelessness appears to be a trend in my life not just a dynamic from my childhood but a repeating pattern in the same way that patterns of abuse are repeating.

[Meh]

I have some awareness of an internal voicefulness even when I am in the midst of a powerless voiceless situation where I am being abused. If that is possible. To me that internal voicefulness seems to be along the same lines as a personal sense of morality and I even attribute it to certain types of educational experiences.

I want to write more about this how it's possible to have voicefulness in my mind? if not in an interaction with certain other people.

Does voicefulness always have to be verbalized or is it a state of mind as much as it's literally a voice acknowledged...




Is there such thing as a personal internal voicefulness

Is there such thing as a personal internal voicefulness even in a losing battle, a bad hand of cards, amidst an overpowering hostility. In these situations even when there is not an externally expressed voicefulness and voicelessness appears to be beaten down and in...is their still a personal voice...an internal dialogue...that is voiceful and is that enough?