Can I ask another question?

[teartracks]

Twoappeny,

I cried and cried and cried but I don't even know why.

Psalm 56:8 You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.   King David

tt










tt  

[sKePTiKal]

I find it hard knowing where the lines are - the line between being patient and taking it as it comes and being a mug, or the line between being assertive or being unreasonable, knowing whether my reactions are reasonable or if they're being pushed by other, much older things that have happened in the past, knowing whether alarm bells are healthy indicators of problems or my messed up 'you must never be happy' system trying to mess things up.  I spend soooo much time thinking about things and trying to make the right, healthy choices - and then often end up not being sure if I've done the right thing or not. 

Hi Penny... you know what? You just nailed down exactly what I've been overwhelmed with, the past week or so. I think going back through this again - perhaps backwards - as a healing or integration process can be just as painful as being ripped apart the first time. It's like having a bone that was broken and healed crooked, re-broken and properly set.

 I hope you're feeling better today!

I don't wanna get into a long dissertation on this - but I do think it's one of the fundamental, functional "disabilities" we survivors face. And it confuses the hell out of people who don't have to deal with this. We are so used to being the "one with the problem"... that even when we're engaged in normal, healthy life activities... we carry over that self-doubt BECAUSE....

nothing we did around the FOO was ever good enough, or perfect enough or "right" enough to please them and get us accepted for who we are... nothing. Therefore, we never experienced that equilibrium of doing something "right"... making the right choice. Many times, even when we totally sacrificed ourselves doing exactly what we were told was wanted... well, someone moved the goal line, pulled away the football, or otherwise sabotaged our attempt -- and not even the attempt - trying/effort - was worth anything to the parent who held the power of life/death/fear or protection... over us. We learned we would always be "wrong"...

Does anyone but us know what the right choice is for us?? How will we ever know, unless we experiment, try things, take a few chances? I stopped reading self-help books, because they always made me feel like such a doofus... I can't take my experience, what I know about people and distill it down into a neat little package with a bow and sell it to others... why would I think the authors have any more expertise or authority than what I've been through? Sure there are good ideas and concepts and statements that ring a loud bell - resonate with my own experience. I still keep a few of these books around - ones that have pushed me along the path of healing a little more. But now I read them with my critical thinking brain on... I question the concepts... I quiz my own feelings; my own truth too... I talk back to the words on the page... No one has yet told me where the "line" is between healthy/unhealthy emotion or thinking or behavior... I think, because it's not definable - "healthy" is a range or continuum - because people are all different. My hubs' comfort level with my ability to express anger... and where he thinks the line should be... is way different than mine; however it doesn't upset other people... who's "right"? who's "wrong"? neither of us; we're just different.

Here's one more fact: no one's handing out gold stars for making the "right" choices... and if we do make a wrong one - guess what? We can change our minds! our directon! do something different! We're allowed to make mistakes. We're also allowed to be "wrong" without incurring a secondary penalty... it's just part of the process of learning what is right for us. If I screw up and it involves another person - I can apologize; admit my mistake... and sometimes I think that's all we really want from our FOOs, too. They just can't bring themselves to do that, though... being always right & all.

And for some reason, not being able to admit wrong and apologize makes them seem just that more pathetic to me.

I do hope you're feeling better. Sometimes, letting out all the tears is like opening the windows to a fresh spring day, after that is.

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, tt (((((((((((((tt)))))))))))))))))

Thanks, Phoenix.  I think it's just hit me that I've just swapped all my 'must get it right' vibes from my mum to my therapist.  I am so desperate for her to think well of me, to be 'getting it right', pleasing her, doing well, being, of course, perfect.  You know when it hits you like a train?  I've picked someone much healthier to aspire to be like (and be liked by) but the same lack of self, the same lack of comfort with being okay, imperfect, 'a bit screwed up but it's okay because I didn't kill anyone' is still missing and I didn't even realise.  I just feel so exhausted now.  I'm still crying, although I did get to spend the day in bed as my son's at holiday club so I didn't have to get up and do anything.  I suddenly feel like I can see all my different personalities/egos/characters whatever you want to call them laid out through my life, like those little russian dolls that fit inside each other?  A quiet, shy, bookish child, a not taking life too seriously teenager (the fog starts in my teens), the heavy drinking, drug taking party girl who didn't give a s**t about anything other than having a good time, the born again student at university, the soon to be married lady, the career girl, the new mum, the mum with mental health problems, the carer of a disabled child, and then the therapy ego, striving to be perfect, get rid of all my nonsense and become some sort of sterile, impossibly perfect robotic woman that never gets it wrong and looks down on people who don't drink carrot juice at breakfast.  And suddenly inside all of that there's this sort of mass, this collection of molecules and atoms that used to be a little girl but is just mush and has no form or substance, there are no edges or boundaries, it's all just fluid and so broken I don't know if I can reconnect the pieces.  And at the minute I don't even know if I want to.  My mum's been batty her whole life and it hasn't done her any harm - she doesn't know she's batty and she doesn't care that people don't like her because she thinks they're all scum anyway!  She exists in her litte fantasy world where there are no problems, everything works, everything fits and at the minute I can see the appeal of that!!

You are so, so right about needing to make mistakes - needing to take a chance, get it wrong, apologise if necessary, pick it up and move on.  I've never done this, never been able to do this - I've never let myself do this.  Am too tired to do it today!  But tomorrow.........I expect I'll feel better tomorrow.

I hope you are feeling less overwhelmed today, or that you start to very soon.  Thank you ((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))))))

[ann3]

And it confuses the hell out of people who don't have to deal with this. We are so used to being the "one with the problem"... that even when we're engaged in normal, healthy life activities... we carry over that self-doubt BECAUSE....

nothing we did around the FOO was ever good enough, or perfect enough or "right" enough to please them and get us accepted for who we are... nothing. Therefore, we never experienced that equilibrium of doing something "right"... making the right choice. Many times, even when we totally sacrificed ourselves doing exactly what we were told was wanted... well, someone moved the goal line, pulled away the football, or otherwise sabotaged our attempt -- and not even the attempt - trying/effort - was worth anything to the parent who held the power of life/death/fear or protection... over us. We learned we would always be "wrong"...

I suddenly feel like I can see all my different personalities/egos/characters whatever you want to call them laid out through my life, like those little russian dolls that fit inside each other?  .... And suddenly inside all of that there's this sort of mass, this collection of molecules and atoms that used to be a little girl but is just mush and has no form or substance, there are no edges or boundaries, it's all just fluid and so broken I don't know if I can reconnect the pieces.  And at the minute I don't even know if I want to. 

Hi Amber & Penny,
I love what each of you wrote. 
Amber, you totally nailed the "self doubt" component of our "disability".  I think this ever present self doubt is a core element of our voicelessness.  For me, it's constant second guessing myself:  "did I do right?  did I do wrong?"  It's like a self imposed walking on eggshells & it's very exhausting.  Maybe it's a form of self punishment, like never allowing ourselves the luxury of feeling comfortable in our own skin, never letting ourselves off the hook?  When I find myself in the self defeating wasteland of second guessing self doubt, I start doing Louise Hay affirmations (http://www.louisehay.com/affirmations/), otherwise, I could get stuck in self loathing negativity.

Penny,
This is what I have found about reviewing our lives.  When we want to understand how we got to this current place in life, I think a life review is essential.  We may (or may not) be able to see in retrospect what we did wrong, what went wrong, evaluate our past choices & apply all that knowledge, all that earned wisdom, to our current lives.  I think the trick is not to get stuck in berating ourselves for past mistakes & past bad choices.   When I find myself beating myself up for past mistakes, I stop & bring myself into the present.  More & more, I am coming to believe that it's best to leave the past in the past & to focus on today & the present.  So, even if I majorly screwed up in the past, I can learn the lessons the screw up taught me, but, I don't want to allow past screw ups to steal happiness & good feelings which I could have in the present moment.  I think healing is sort of like time travel:  we travel back to the past, to learn the lessons of the past, but we must also travel forward to the present because the present is our true reality and there is always the potential to feel happy in the present moment.

I don't know if I can reconnect the pieces.  And at the minute I don't even know if I want to. 

Penny, if you don't want to reconnect the pieces, it's fine.  Nothing says you must look back.  Maybe a good thing would be to try to self sooth & feel good in the present.  There's some really good things here that may help you feel better:  http://www.hayhouseradio.com/
Hope you feel better (((Penny)))

[Twoapenny]

Hi Ann, thankyou for your kind words and the links and other suggestions.

When you describe this as a disability you are so right, it really is a major affliction that has such a debilitating effect on every aspect of your life.  All the more difficult to deal with because other people don't tend to see it or, if they do know about it, often don't understand it (or want to hear about it).  I just feel so exhausted at the minute - getting through the day is really hard work.  The sun is out so I am just going to try and take it easy and not rush around too much.  I am leaving all the processing and wading through it for a while - I'm just too frazzled to do any more at the minute.  Perhaps focusing on the here and now and the future would be more helpful for a while (after a break!)

Thank you xxx

[sKePTiKal]

Penny: sometimes all you can do to put that little girl back together again - is wrap your arms around the whole mess and hug & rock it... let the tears fall until they stop [because damn it, that's "voice" too]... and wait for her to talk to you. In my case, she did... I've heard others say that they couldn't connect anymore... and in either case: people turn out just fine. Photos help. It'll be OK; it'll be allright...

what I find strange about me, is that when I do experience that kind of love & acceptance - either from my self or someone else - is when the tears come uncontrollably; it seems counter-intuitive and nonsensical and wack that something that's supposed to feel good makes me cry but it does. And maybe that's a combination of grief and relief and daring to "hope" that I'm OK, after all. So... while I look like I'm gregarious and an outgoing person - when someone approaches the most interior, smallest nesting doll that is "me".... I back off; I freak out; I'm scared I won't be able to explain myself and this odd conjunction or action/reaction that happens. Even if the person approaching is me; that's why I nicknamed her the "feral cat", you know?

Patience, Grasshopper!

Ann: that egg-shell or tightrope walking of self-doubt has one more aspect to it, for me - I have these immovable self-care issues; like mountains they're that unconquerable. And yet, it still "feels" to one part of me... that I'm just making an excuse for "how I am". I've been studying it almost as long as I've been on the board and I still don't understand it; still can't "see" the whole picture.

The important parts are: this self-doubt has a double significance - both as protection or disguise (as in, not challenging the abuser) and to gain what is the sugar-free substitute for true love & acceptance - "approval" from the abuser; one's "hall pass" to be and to freely engage in all aspects of life - no matter HOW MUCH they denied me or required of me; how much it hurt. If they can instill this kind of doubt in the "target" - they feel assured of ultimate victory and control. And I'm not sure that I haven't just "given up" when I doubt myself; it's almost as if I'm bestowing on the abuser the AUTHORITY to condemn me to a life of self-doubt [if these are really screwed up people, why do I presume they have that kind of power???]... and not even voicing that teenaged whiny protest about "you can't tell me who I am" that they go through when they dye their hair purple, get tattoos... and all look alike in their "individuality". (I did this, too.) No....

on the contrary, I'm silent because I want to "escape"; be tougher than, able to take more than - the people who hurt me. I'm biding my time... maybe that's it, Ann! Maybe someone forgot to ring Pavlov's bell... or send me the coded message that will self-destruct or I just never "saw"... that I made it already; I survived and am not a bad person; not perfect... have learned a lot (have a lot more to learn)... but I'm no longer stuck reliving the same FOO nightmare as they are insisting on recreating; I'm already free. And this "close encounter" I had with the whole wacked scenario, in April ALMOST sucked me in. IT'S NOT GOING ON RIGHT NOW, you know? I know them for what they are and I'm not falling for the old trick of getting hooked into the round-robin game where they make me angry - and then pull the rug out from under me with gaslighting and laugh. It's just that my feral cat inner child, thinks it IS - because of the business conflict with bro.

And since I never learned that all the self-care stuff: being nice to myself and not driving myself into exhaustion, allowing myself to have fun, enjoy things and feel good with people and just REST and relax... and since it's actually a "requirement" for the kind of resiliance needed to keep going... maybe I oughta give it a try.

I'm getting too old to let the feral cat, drive ALL the time.

[Twoapenny]

Phoenix:

Patience, Grasshopper

That made me laugh for the first time this week!!  Thank you

And as for everything else you said - I have just sat nodding furiously in agreement to every single thing you wrote.  I don't want to be obsessed with all this, and sometimes I'm not.  Sometimes I do feel 'normal' - just that I'm not preoccupied with a dozen different things, I can sit in the park and feel the sun and build a sandcastle with my boy and it feels right and okay and it's all good and my mind is filled with 'normal' stuff.  But it's other times when something sets me off and I can feel him/smell him/sense him and every bit of me is screaming that I need to run - but of course there's no-one there and the threat isn't real so I can't 'run' in the real sense of the word, I can only block it out with food or work or pretending it's being skint I'm angry at or whatever is easiest at the time.  Or I can sit with how it feels and feel so small and defenceless and weak, I can see that little girl and I feel so angry, why did no-one come and get her?  Where was everybody, how could anyone just shrug their shoulders and turn their back and leave her to suffer so badly and then, just to compound all that, tell her it was all her fault anyway and then, when she dared to try and help herself and protect other children, so many people turned on her and told her she was crazy, she was mad, she was a bad mum and that she was lying.  And then all of that goes as well and I'm just left feeling like I've been run over, I've cried so much I've used up every tissue in the house and throughout all of it there isn't one damn person I feel I can ring and say I'm really hurting now can you come get me?  And I suppose that's why I keep trying to work through it to stop those bad times happening.  Maybe that's part of it, having to accept that the bad times will come, you just have to keep your head above water during them until they go again?  Maybe part of the need for control is to be able to control the bad feelings now, instead of just 'feeling bad' and accepting that.  And now I'm making my brain ache again!  Ha ha.  I'm off to do tea and make some puzzles with my boy

Thank you (((((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))))))))

[sKePTiKal]

Way back, one of the things that used to irritate me NO END (and when hubs gets on this kick still does)...
is that people would actually try to get me to shift out of those bad times... or insist that I fake a happy smile and just go on as if what I went through didn't matter - like stepping in dog doo, no biggie; shrug; clean it off and walk on.

No one would understand that I WAS that little kid that needed someone to come, hug, rock, kiss the boo-boo, offer cookie and milk, and say that what happened to me - how I felt about it - mattered and they cared.

I think the non-verbal message in having those bad times, for me, was that HEY: it does matter!! To me! I'm really NOT FINE. And because the comfort step above - the one that validates those bad feelings and says Honey, OF COURSE it was __________ and you felt _________. That's exactly normal... because the comfort step got skipped at least one too many times or got turned around and like you say -- I got blamed too for causing an uproar, being outraged, or inconsolable and that's so "bad parenting"... [sigh] and implies the message yet again, in another way that how I feel, who I am doesn't matter; what happened isn't important & you ought to be over that now.... which brings the blame and lack of parental responsibility (or neglect or abuse) completely full circle again...

[well, I know for a fact that this contributed to my lack of respect for limits; rules; the usual common sense guidelines... I couldn't very well cease to exist - which is what my kid logic was telling me was the ultimate message in that parental behavior, even tho I tried that too. When I came to the board, my name was Shunned. That is the last phase of actual reality I experienced with trying to get my mom to actually act like and be my mom; she shunned me until I took all my feellings & memories & experience that she was denying was real and important... I carved that whole section of me out of me... wrapped it up carefully... placed in a magic treasure box... locked it and threw away the key in 1969. Until 2005, that is... when I was helped to find the box and start re-claiming that bit of myself. It's not always pretty, mind you - but it's all me.]

In this respect: kids are smarter than grown-ups. They instinctively know how they feel, what they need even if they can't express it in an adult fashion. If they don't get that comfort time or re-established equilibrium or are taught that those needs aren't important enough to get met... the kid begins to actually see themselves as rejected; kicked out of the litter... and one step further: begins to believe "I am a reject"; "I am bad"; "I deserve to feel bad all the time". In my case, it was literally "done to" me over my stubborn silence and insistent objections and protests.

It's a bit different, when you're in the active healing process - but the difference is slight. You participate in your own parenting, rather - reparenting of that child that still lives within you or in some magical treasure box hiding place. AND - you are also the child who doesn't know how to say where & how it hurts or what is wrong... you experience; re-live these "feeling bad times" sometimes more frequently, intensely, or constantly; faster than you can actually intellectually and emotionally process all the information contained in them. If you had to explain: what was THAT all about? Could you say precisely, specifically? I sure couldn't... (and I'm still having trouble with how many words it takes to just "spit it out"... LOL)

I've learned to pay attention to what the non-verbal communication is from my inner child, when she's obviously sooooo upset that she's impacting how I feel, my ability to function in the rest of my life. Not saying she's not allowed to have her feelings and opinions about it - that they don't matter - but literally, until something "connects" and triggers her into action about something she did care about in the past and doesn't want to ever happen again, she's pretty quiet these days. She doesn't always speak in words sometimes to me; it's more these episodes of despair or anxiety or what have you. It tells me I need to reassure her that it's going to be OK; I need to give her (and myself) a comfort "time out". A rest period. I am responsible for her safety now. I am still learning how to best protect her. I make time - still - twice a day to just listen for her; see if she needs to tell me something. Sometimes, I forget - and I have to apologize. And I sometimes forget to THANK HER for how she helped me survive and then later - how she helped me figure out what happened to me - who I am - and then she puts her hands on her hips and clears her throat, tapping me sharply on the shoulder... saying in her sarcastic, pretend grownup voice: Did you forget something?????

I'll turn around and hug her and say Yes, Ma'am! Thank you Ma'am. Smile... and we're good for a while. We played house a lot, you know.

[Twoapenny]

Phoneix, I love what you wrote.  Do you think, then, that when these horrible periods come along of feeling so bad, that is your own little girl having a bad time?  And in those moments, because she is feeling bad, that is when you need to do the comfort bit that was missed out the first time around, to listen, soothe, reassure, tell her it will be okay?  And if she's angry ask her why and let her express it and validate it for her?  Tell her she has every right to be angry, all that sort of thing?

[BonesMS]

Thanks Bonesie ((((((((((((((Bonesie)))))))))))))))))))))))

I've spent the whole rest of the day having a complete meltdown.  I have no idea whether what is in my head is me, my family, my counsellor (who at times like this I stop trusting and start wondering if she's just out to get me like everyone else).  I can't separate my thoughts from my feelings, daren't get it wrong, I feel like I'm walking on egg shells the whole time just to get through the day, trying to avoid triggers, bad memories, bad feelings, eating or drinking the wrong things, walking or talking the wrong way, spending money, not spending money, staying in, going out - it's like there's not one thing in my life that I know is me, or that I know is right or true or just.  It gets into such a jumble and I cried and cried and cried but I don't even know why.  I'm massively doubting the situation with this chap now, I've no idea whether I've handled the whole thing the right way or not, I've no idea what the right way is!!!  And my book still hasn't arrived!  Why do I do this to myself?  Times like this I just want to hug my mum because I feel like I really see inside her bat shit crazy head and I can see how she got where she is - she was like this one too many times and her brain just shut it all down so she could cope.  It makes me feel like my heart is being torn out again.  Sorry.  Rambling on xxx

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((TwoAPenny)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I can understand how everything feels all jumbled up.  It's hard to know how and what to trust when we've learned, the hard way, that we are unable to trust anything!  If we can't trust our mothers, as a result of their abuse, who can we trust?

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

Phoneix, I love what you wrote.  Do you think, then, that when these horrible periods come along of feeling so bad, that is your own little girl having a bad time?  And in those moments, because she is feeling bad, that is when you need to do the comfort bit that was missed out the first time around, to listen, soothe, reassure, tell her it will be okay?  And if she's angry ask her why and let her express it and validate it for her?  Tell her she has every right to be angry, all that sort of thing?

Uh-HUH... EXACTLY right. And it's not like it'll take a lot of time, after a few sessions of practice (some things were harder and deeper and took longer, though)... what I'm trying to say, is that my Twigs was so hungry for that comfort and even the angry soapbox spotlight with someone who really cared, listening... that when I started to give her that, it helped almost immediately, but also opened up the "channel" - the floodgates - and she took advantage of that and I found she had a lot more to say, repeatedly even, before the original "symptom" of the miserable agony of the emotions started to subside, become less intense and metamorphose into part of a "known" set of facts... it turned out to be the process of digesting the un-digestible for she and I. Eventually... she quieted and we went on to another step in the healing process... and all the he said/she said/he did/I felt... passed away into a boring re-run of a soap opera... the mundane, dry, historical facts of my existence -- up until the time I began healing, caring about myself, comforting the desolate Twigs. Mind you, it's still possible for me (us) to be triggered right back into those intense emotions, even now... depending on the stimulus.

When you start to be able to tell the difference between the little Penny feeling bad - and you feeling bad for little Penny and wanting to make it all better... you will have turned the corner. It'll just be a sense of how things are... I think. For me, I think I lost my fear of knowing the details of the drama and experiences of Twigs; I couldn't help her if I was afraid too. And with both of us working together on the same "process" - with the same goal - connected - we started to merge and integrate and grow into each other. Like Shel Silverstein's "missing piece" was found. Like a teenager who discovers her authentic self is a lot different from the poseur identity she created to fit in with her peers... there is a lot of "inside the head and emotions housecleaning, remodeling, and redecorating" that happens.

I'm really glad you asked those questions, Penny. I needed reminding... that I can do this for myself; and that expecting my friends or hubs to do anything more than simply "understand" what I'm going through.... is too much to expect from that relationship. It's what a parent does for a child - and I sure don't want my hubs taking on that role!! He's bossy enough, even though he's "only trying to help" - LOL...

[Hopalong]

((((((Tupp)))))), honey.

I just want to say you are a good person.

And that confusion is not a crime.

Who wouldn't be confused?

You're sorting through so much and trying to do everything perfectly and a meltdown seems like a very sensible thing to appear on the calendar now and then.

I think you deserve enormous mercy, and kindness, and comfort. And also permission to just be where you are (including spats of whirling, days of doubt).

It helps me sometimes when I lose confidence, to remember that emotions are like weather. I am still here, but sometimes around me, outside my skin, there is wind, hail, snow, downpours, or sunshine, gentle breezes, soft spring breeze, calm simple rain, and that every day, even when it's not visible...there is sunset, there is dawn.

You will have the good weather again. Don't despair.

And don't blame yourself. Confusion makes sense. Clarity comes.

love to you,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Bonesie.  The learning to trust again is difficult, I think.  I am getting there.  I have been reading a very good book called "Breaking the Chains of Abuse" by a lady called Sue Atkinson.  There are two things I really like about it.  One is that she is an actual survivor and is writing from her own experiences - rather than being a doctor or psychologist who is giving advice about something they haven't actually experienced.  The other is that she mentions at several times that she is still dealing with all this stuff, she still screws things up and there are things that she knows she ought to be doing but at times she can't.  She still has unanswered questions.  She is human!!  Her book has spoken to me in a really profound way.  One of the things she says in there is that you have to connect with people in order to heal.  You have to start reaching out to people for help with getting through the process and learn to trust again.  I can understand what she is saying and, as hard as it is, that is my next goal, to start reaching out to people I can talk to, face to face and start being honest with them about how bloody hard, lonely and unhappy my life is a lot of the time.  I did a couple of small things last week and told a couple of friends I think I may be suffering from post traumatic stress disorder.  It's the first time I've really said it outloud to other people; I always thought people would think I was being stupid and making it up.  Both were really sympathetic and very caring.  It feels odd for me to accept care from people but I am trying anyway and I will keep trying!  Hugs to you ((((((((((((((((Bonesie))))))))))))))))

Phoenix, thank you, I am really trying to work with my little girl now.  The book I mentioned above talks about a lot of things to do with the inner child and healing those old traumas and I am going to try and listen to her and make her feel safer.  I always feel anxious if I can't see the door and always have the furniture facing it, even though that doesn't really work in some of our rooms.  I thought about it and I think that little Penny is scared that he is going to walk in, so she likes to be able to see the door all the time.  The adult in me wants the furniture arranged more conveniently, so I'm going to buy some pretty mirrors to hang so little Penny can see the door even is she's sitting in a chair facing away from it.  I thought I'd buy her some wind chimes as well and hang them over the doors, so that she can hear him if he walks through.  That way she might not be so scared all the time.  It's a small step but I think it is heading in the right direction.  I hope things are okay with you at the minute (((((((((((Phoenix))))))))))))

Hopsie, thank you.  I have also been reading A Fine Romance.  I wish I'd read this years ago!  I think it will help all my relationships, not just those with men.  I have realised the biggest problem is me, my lack of self-esteem, my fear of rejection and projecting my own negativity onto other people.  Today, for example, a lady knocked on my door to ask for directions.  I explained to her where she needed to go and she was very grateful and apologetic for bothering me.  On the one hand, I had been polite and helpful to a stranger, so she may go away thinking she had just met a nice lady.  On the other, I was still in my dressing gown at lunchtime and she could have thought that I was lazy, slovenly, a bad mother, scruffy etc.  I bet you can guess which one was in my head as she left!!  But A Fine Romance says those are your own negative thoughts that are being projected out, so I told myself I had no idea what she had thought and, either way, it didn't matter, and it worked - the anxiety went away and I haven't thought about her all day.  I just need to keep reminding myself to do it.  Thank you so much for suggesting it to me (((((((((((((Hopsie))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

SOOO glad, hon. Really glad!
That book was a revelation to me, made me feel so much safer.
There's no crime in not knowing what "normal" is and the great thing is, there are books/people who can explain how normal works! It's just a welcoming, comforting thing when the switch goes off and you realize,
It doesn't matter WHEN, I actually can learn this stuff.

And re:

it's just hit me that I've just swapped all my 'must get it right' vibes from my mum to my therapist.  I am so desperate for her to think well of me, to be 'getting it right', pleasing her, doing well, being, of course, perfect.

How about starting a session soon with something like:
"I've realized I want to ask you to tell me it's okay for me to be a mess. I figured out I am letting myself be desperate to do THIS perfectly, and I'm in therapy because I need it to be okay to be so not perfect. To start where I am. Warts and all."

I mean, that's why you're in therapy! That's why everybody is!

I'd be amazed if she'd respond with anything other than something that will really help you be real. And real = healing.

xxoo
Hops

[Hopalong]

PS--HUGE:

so I told myself I had no idea what she had thought and, either way, it didn't matter

Yay, reality!

Bravo, Tupp.