misery

[Ales2]

i went back to my T today that i have not seen since november. i stopped therapy last may because all i was hearing was take anti-depressants. i think i had as much progress as i could with talk therapy.

i went to see him to tell him how i was doing - especially since the last 9 months have been out of control for me emotionally because i got involved with a N business partner and it triggered alot of unfortunate things - a romantic obsession, drinking, overspending, foolish decisions, lethargy, malaise, insomnia, crying spells and chronic anxiety and 15 lb weight gain, i'm at my highest weight ever.

guess what that leads to - yeah, the suggestion of anti-depressants. great. just what i did not want to hear. i cant take anti-depressants. they dont help, they make things worse for me. i took them last time in 1991. i never want to do them again. very important things that should have been dealt with then weren't which caused more problems long term.   i'm miserable, but better that than take drugs.

i think i will get on the no stimulants/sober/vegan diet my friend suggested... i think it might be the only way.

[Twoapenny]

Ales, I have been exactly where you are now and it is a hard and lonely place.  There are a lot of people out there who think anti-ds are the only answer.  For some, they are.  For others - myself and, it sounds, you - they make the problems worse.

I found changes to diet and lifestyle really helped.  I read a very good book - Optimum Nutrition for the Mind - by Patrick Holford - which really helped me to sort my diet out and take some good quality supplements.  Exercise is great - I've always found walking the best for me but it doesn't matter what the exercise is, whatever suits will help with your mood etc.

I've also used complementary therapies - I don't know what your circumstances are but some people find them helpful.  I think homeopathy has been the one that helped the most, but also reflexology, acupuncture, Bach Flower Remedies and osteopathy - I carry a lot of tension in my neck and shoulders and having someone free that up helps.  I tend to use homeopathy almost constantly and dip into the others as and when I feel the need.  Personally I have found talk therapy extremely effective but it has to be a therapist who 'gets' you and is able to work with you in a way that you find acceptable.  I don't know whether you have any choice as to who you see or if you're assigned someone, but if there is any choice involved maybe at some point you may be able to get someone who won't keep trying to prescribe you pills.  Good for you for sticking to your guns, though.  I think after being brought up in families where the word 'no' wasn't allowed (or heard) it's really important to be able to voice your feelings and insist someone listens to you.

[Ales2]

Thanks Twopenny for your suggestions.  I know my diet needs to change, my waistline tells me that - and I know there is a lot of benefits with whole foods and  Omega3s, antioxidants etc.  The book looks very interesting, thanks.

I'm an exercise addict, I was a runner for many years but can only run when I feel clear - when there is depression or anxiety, I get out there and its literally like I am carrying a 200 lb pack. Then I can only walk.  And, even thought I get out every morning at 6:30 and walk until 8am, sometimes again in the evening, the exercise isn't helping much at all, but then again, maybe it does help, maybe it would be worse if I didn't exercise. I also tried acupuncture  and Dr. Bach's remedies, but still have not found anything that helps. All good advice though, very helpful, thanks for posting and thinking of me. 

[Ales2]

sorry meant to say Twoapenny!  Thanks 

[Twoapenny]

Ales, I know what you mean about carrying that back pack!  It is really hard work finding your way through that maze - I've been working on myself for twelve years now and have tried so many different things in different combinations - sometimes I feel like trying to get better has been just as tiring as being unwell!  Is swimming an option?  Some people find that easier, especially early in the morning - nice quiet pool, ploughing up and down.  I think it's really important to recognise that you are already working really hard at it - sometimes we forget how much we're already doing (and my waistline goes up and down depending on how I'm feeling as well!).  The right combo of vitamins and minerals have been shown to be more effective than anti-ds for a lot of people - the book I mentioned talks about studies where vitamins were used to treat people with schizophrenia with quite incredible results.  Does take some time for it to get into your system and stay there though.  The other thing to bear in mind with complementary therapies as well is that you usually have to do a number of treatments before things start shifting - sometimes it takes a few sessions before you can feel things happening (and sometimes it's instant, it's funny how all these things are different).  I hope you start to feel a bit better soon, it is a horrible situation to be in.

[teartracks]

Hi Ales,

Antidepressants worsen and add more symptoms when I take them.  Strong pain relievers don't work for me either.  I asked my family doctor why was it so.  He first said, I don't know, then added that it is postulated that some people's brains receptors fail to 'receive' the medications.  

I honestly don't think that depression was a strong component or perhaps not at all over the years as I've healed.  However, in my early life say 20's, 30's & 40's I experienced bouts of depression, not chronically - thank goodness.  

When it comes to supplements, I adjust the dose/serving to 1/2.  My system doesn't tolerate standard doses of hardly anything.  

Different medications have different effects on different people.  For instance as far back as I can remember I had trouble coming to full awakeness on rising.  Many people experience 'Sleep Inertia' to some degree - say a few minutes to an hour or two.  Mine went on for hours and hours.  As I got older, it all got worse to the point where some days I never fully awakened.  I guess you could say I was a poorly functioning awake person.  I had been prescribed Wellbutrin for depression, found out it made my symptoms (not the sleep symptoms )worse.  I still don't know exactly what prompted me to try a half dose of Wellbutrin again, but that half dose changed whatever it was in my brain that wouldn't allow me to wake up completely.  I've been taking the half dose for about 8 months and estimate that upwards to 90% of my symptoms of trying to wake up upon rising have been relieved.  I'm giving this example to expand on how medications can have profoundly different effects from one person to another.   It may be of interest that Wellbutrin, the half dose didn't affect me in other way I can think of.

Don't mean to take your thread off subject, but this seems to fit in somehow.

tt

[Hopalong]

Hi Ales,
Several years ago someone on this board raved about a super-food (one of those whole foods, greatly concentrated greens powders things). I took it in smoothies and it helped a LOT! Energy changed, everything.

Then I slacked off (it ain't cheap) -- and just this week started doing this every day again. I feel very very very different than I did a week ago. I swear. Life isn't perfect but it has lifted my mood as well as my energy.

It tastes like eating a field (meaning a mix of grass and dirt, bleahh). But if you add a cup of frozen berries and maybe a handful of kale or whatever and then blend really well, it's like sort of weird tasting sludge...not good but not hideous. I just stand at the sink and relax and drink it down. Always happy to have a cuppa tea after and always glad I did it.

(I bought some called Green Vibrance...good stuff.)

xxoo and a hug

Hops

[sKePTiKal]

It's good you picked only 1 thing to do, at a time.

I find if you have a whole list of things, like you listed, and attempt to take them all on at once... well, I find I'm too fragile to put that much MORE stress on myself and then I'm just adding despair and hopelessness to the list, you know?

If you can, I think either attempting to explain to your T that you want to find another way to cope and heal, than simply popping a pill - or, finding another T who will accept that condition and work with you on that goal... should be the next thing on your list. It requires more effort and patience on the part of the T - but if you're also participating, doing your part of the work to the best of your ability - it'll be rewarding for both of you.

Keep us posted, Ales - on how it's going!

[Ales2]

Thanks for all the suggestions, they are helpful.

I called my T's office today and canceled my next appointment. He specifically told me not to cancel. He told me to come in even if all we do is argue about taking the anti-d's. Well - OK - No I wont do that because it will keep me preoccupied with being "depressed" for another week, there is no chance I will take them and I don't think he really understands why I am depressed.

Its hormones, not brain chemicals.  20 years of only working and being single when all I ever really wanted was a family of my own.  There is an imbalance in my life that can't rectified with pills. He thinks I will do better if I feel better but all that sounds like is that I will get a job and get overwhelmed again in a direction I don't want to go. I told him that but he didn't get it. I feel very much like there is a part of me that  has never been developed I have never been in love, never been a mother, never had someone who truly loves me (except my Dad and a fat orange cat I once had and they both died). Wanna know where my depression comes from? From trying for years to find love and coming up empty...

[SilverLining]

Thanks for all the suggestions, they are helpful.

I called my T's office today and canceled my next appointment. He specifically told me not to cancel. He told me to come in even if all we do is argue about taking the anti-d's. Well - OK - No I wont do that because it will keep me preoccupied with being "depressed" for another week, there is no chance I will take them and I don't think he really understands why I am depressed.

Good for you Ales.  I noticed  that many of your symptoms are also noted side effects of anti-depressants (lethargy, insomnia, weight gain e.t.c..)so the chemical therapy could easily make things worse.  It sure is discouraging to so often see a total focus on drugs in the therapy community.  I went through my own bout with the chemicals back in the 90's.   Just to mention one negative side effect of many, I was gaining about a pound a month as long as I took antidepressants.  As soon as I quit my weight fell back into a normal range with little effort. 


For me, just any about any change seemed to be a cure, for awhile.  I felt like I was cured when I first started taking the ant-depressants, then it wore off.  I was cured again with a change to a different drug, then it wore off.  I was cured when I quit taking them entirely, then it wore off.  Something about the "jolt" to the nervous system temporarily seemed to relieve the depression.  But no chemical change has ever been a long term cure.  These days I work  with diet, exercise, meditation, and so forth and I can't imagine ever again considering anti-depressants. 

[CB123]

Ales,

I read this blog today and thought of you.  You may think you know what the author is going to say, based on the title but its a real surprise.  The article may explain why your therapist is taking the approach that he/she is with you--and likely would NOT be fired by this blogger.  Interesting.

http://open.salon.com/blog/heathersavann/2011/06/02/why_i_am_firing_my_psychiatrist

CB

[Ales2]

SO ANGRY

 Being misunderstood by my T and then being told there is something wrong with me and I need medication makes me so angry    and apathetic.......

[Ales2]

HI CB - Thanks for that article. What gets me is that she was never really quite honest about her feelings. Thats me too. Just last time, I went in as I am during the day, which is sweats and no makeup, which is me around the house (I'm between jobs and looking for work). I only dress up for meeting people - and therapy etc. But this time, I did not. Most of my clothes dont fit anyway now since I gained 10lbs in three months.  Anyway, she wasnt quite honest so he really didnt give her the right dosage which probably made her worse. 

Is that what you were hoping that I get from the article?  If so, you're right on about me, my T has no idea how bad it really is. He asked me once about dark thoughts and I never really answered them. I'm like yeah, I have them. Thats it.

Sad though, this girl has a caring family and a job that seems to be helpful to her. I dont have any of that. Never did.

[Ales2]

I probably have more in common with that girl/author than I care to admit, but I'm still NOT taking anti-depressants.

[Ales2]

Hi CB - Funny thing is that the case resembled me in a lot of ways. I've kept darker stuff hidden even in therapy, mostly because we've just not really gotten down to it.  I am the person who "refused the remedy", so its hard to hold him responsible if I failed at therapy or improving my life.

I'm climbing out of the crisis. I just try to stick to doing the three things I need to do and stay busy with that. I just get very easily discouraged and then can stop functioning.

Thanks CB for your understanding and sympathy. I'm getting more good things and concern from this board than anywhere else.