OK, Guest - date: Mar 15, 1968. VERY traumatic experience for moi... and there were absolutely no winners that day. The time leading up to that (only about 12 years for me)... had very few "bright" and "sunny" spots in it if I look at FOO only*, to want to relive... rather it was a "highway to hell" (Savoy Brown). The day itself is remembered as more like a silent film; for the actions/reactions/consequences... sans editorial mental comment... and emotion even, comes & goes throughout the filmstrip -- until the part where my mother doesn't believe me about what happens and then punishes me, when I insist it did and for the actions I took to save my own life, keep my brother safe, and take care of us while she was not there. I won't even get into the worst of it; that all happened about a year afterward, when my mother flipped out and appeared to be a multiple personality... and did even worse things to me.
* thank god that my instinct was to be somewhere OTHER than home - a lot more than other kids... or maybe that was a learned instinct.
Doesn't do us any good unless we know we're playing the game for an objective, an outcome. Even if playing makes us feel very very sick.
I know what you're talking about here. I had to do this with an N-boss... and wasn't too bad at it; he offered lots of "practice" you know??? ::LOL:: I learned to get in and get out, safely; most of the time. And that sick feeling... feels way more like shame for me... like I'm lowering myself to the level of playing games BECAUSE no one will take a straightforward request, suggestion or advice seriously and respond directly back. And people shouldn't have to resort to that to work... make decisions in life... etc. Notice the "should" monster has raised his head...
well, with MomBro... that "should" monster grows larger and my feeling of cognitive dissonance (and betrayal, abandonment, and maybe even shame - tho' that's papered over with anger) grows right along with it.
[A memory just pooped into my head (that was a typo, but it's appropriate)... my mom's definition of "family": it's the PLACE where, when you have no where else to go, they have to take you in. Not people; not caring; not relationships... it's a place; things. I don't know what part of my brain thinks that's relevant...]
To try to turn the game around with MomBro - even Bro - is very, very dangerous for me, because of that sense of dissonance which of course, he doesn't even experience... because he can't even begin to see things from my perspective nor why my perspective (and myself) matters - or should - to him, at least in the business realm. I feel like Bruce Lee... trying to single-handedly disable multiple attackers -- because those emotions attached to the dissonance can and have disabled me in the past... just to get to the person hiding behind them. To be heard and recognized; taken seriously; to matter.
So, I use what I've learned from Tai Chi Push Hands. This is working with a partner, and you are required to maintain contact with the back/front of the wrist. There are various patterns beginners practice, with a single arm. Then, when basic skills are learned one moves on to using both arms. The rest of the body is also involved, as feet need to be properly placed to maintain balance and strength as you shift weight back & forward. At the more advanced levels - the partners begin to move around from that stationary position in 6 directions or more. The most important skill to learn is the first one - how to move without ever breaking contact.
It is through the contact that each partner can "listen" to the other, and know precisely when and how to move to gain the goal of Push Hands - which is simply to pull one's "opponent" off balance. The easiest ways to do this is with timing, misdirection and the one I like the best... not being "there" - not being where the opponent thinks I'm going to be... because then, their expection and the momentum in their movement sends them off away from me... all by themselves and I've made no aggressive move at all.
Well, what I noticed after a couple years of working on this was that the part of my mind that attaches emotions to perception and experience shuts up. (I'm calling it Monkey Mind.) It stops telling me what to do... stops anticipating threats... stops sending ME off in the wrong direction because it was distracting my attention... and my opponent got out of the way or took advantage of my lack of strength or balance in those split-seconds. And instead, I have a direct "connection" through my body that knows what to do, when. It knows without thinking... and from that place, I can also permit myself to be more aggressive - take positive direct action, instead of the indirect - without feeling as if I'm going to hurt someone, break taboos, or otherwise do something "bad"....
... without the "cognitive dissonance (and betrayal, abandonment, and maybe even shame - tho' that's papered over with anger)" being involved at all. It was one of those earth-shattering breakthroughs for me to find that place within myself... the one that "knew" without thinking and reacted correctly, instinctively and could easily make those direct, positive actions without agonizing over the decision... and suffering no consequences either; just a compliment from the teacher. "Should" doesn't even exist in that place... it's more like a 1 & 0... on or off type place.
It is the only way I've found to cut through the BS of shoulds, the cognitive dissonance and the tagalong emotions... and deal directly with "what is", no matter who the person is - Mom or Bro - and maintain just enough contact to know when to push and when to get the hell out of the way! And perhaps writing - instead of talking - to Bro falls into that place and techniques... no, I shouldn't have to - but when he absolutely doesn't hear or understand the importance of what I'm telling him and asking him... ??? I have to keep trying something else, right? To maintain "contact". So, I "won" this current round with Bro - I got agreement from him on 3 points of the proposal; the 4th wasn't important to me and he gravitated right to it and disagreed with that one.

Like a bee to honey. The distraction of "saving face" and having an ego-bone to "prove" he's powerful and in control... sigh....
Here's the thing - having to do that makes me feel slimy, low, immoral, and just plain sneaky and bad. He is my brother and he's 52 years old. Why can we not relate to each other on an adult level? Why are all these extra steps (and I did ask a 3rd party to help explain things to him; in case it was "me" that was the problem in getting him to engage and understand)... NECESSARY? The should monster shrinks and hides away... until the next time... but he's always lurking. Part of me simply refuses to accept the tech support maxim which applies to my brother: "You can't fix stupid. You can buy 'em books, send 'em to school and they just chew on the pages."
He says things to me which make absolutely no sense at all - when he runs out of things to accuse me of, like:
"You're a techie person, what's so wrong with just picking up the phone and talking to someone? Why do you always have to email, put things in writing?" This, right after I told him, I sent him the proposal in a letter... because I express myself better in writing than just talking... and I needed to have my meanings clear for him, to understand.
Anyone wanna try to decode that? Or how about, he told me last year he was going to retire this year. So, making conversation, I asked him when he thought he'd retire this year... and he asked me who told me he was going to retire. When I said he did... of course, I was imagining things... maybe he has multple personalities, too. At least Dr. Jekyll/Mr. Hyde... Mom's that way, too. When she "flips" into the other personality nothing she said or did before matters anymore... now it's something else.
I will stop being so damn stubborn about forcing him to be what he obviously is not; interested and engaged in business. I will deal only with "what is"... even though our employees are now starting to make jokes about "where in the world is Bro" this week? Do you have to call your mom to get him to call someone back, still? (which is why I don't call him anymore... it can literally be weeks before he responds and he thinks that's appropriate with his partner but reams me out when I'm forced to act or decide, for the good of the business and not consult him - BECAUSE he doesn't respond... I hate passive-aggressiveness.).
And I'm still pursuing information about my "nuclear option" through my hired guns. It's interesting, too - I'm starting to sense that this scenario isn't all that foriegn to the group and the female leader, in particular. She is watching my back legally... and probably more than anyone else in the room seems to have first-hand personal experience in situations like mine. On the emotional side; the healing side. Because you know... with these PD people... even if you finally get them to come around this time... there's always a next time, where it's the same old crap again.