update - NC broken but will be maintained

[Twoapenny]

Ales, sometimes you have to just sit with the crap.  Feel it, own it, see it, hear it.  Recognise it.  Try not to fight it, try to let it be there and look it right in the eye.  I feel hurt because my mum did this.  I feel angry because my best friend did that.  I'm jealous because my neighbour got something I didn't.  As much as none of us likes feeling bad, some things in life are bad and do make us feel that way.  It feels huge because there's usually a backlog - we spend years putting on a brave face, avoiding things, telling ourselves things didn't hurt or didn't matter.  Eventually it backs up and we have to let it through.  My T once described it as one of those cupboards that everyone has, where you shove things that don't really have a place, where you put all the stuff that you aren't sure about but might need one day.  Eventually the cupboard is so full you can't shut the door anymore, or find anything you do need.  Then you have to take it all out and sort through it.  One day, it just gets easier.  It's tough not knowing when that day will come, though.

It's okay to stop being brave and allow yourself to crumple.  Eventually, all the old stuff is out and dealt with.  I find long walks help, journalling, heavy duty clear outs, the attic, the shed, that sort of thing.  Everyone has their own thing that helps.  You will get there xx

[sKePTiKal]

Just one thing to add to Tupps' advice:

You'll be OK through the sorting, sitting, feeling process Ales. Nothing at all to be afraid of - like "going crazy" or completely losing control - it's all just those old fears clinging to all the stuff in the cupboard. Those fears rightfully belong to the person you USED to BE; not to you NOW. And the "sorting" process is kinda like a ritual, where you "honor" all those different moments - give them their due - and then when you've gotten to the very end of the process... well... I think you'll like the way THAT feels.

[Ales2]

Wow Two and Phoenix - thank you so much for your advice. You are both right - Two the advice on cleaning out, clearing out is true and I'm doing that now - including changing banks, got a new phone, sorted through old journals and files etc.  And, oh yes, I am jealous of how easy some things have been for others... my cousins kid for example. Out of school 2 years, married, with a house and a baby on the way.  Why? Her parents are wonderful, encouraging people and dont undermine her. Me, I'm 44, single and still renting, while she is miss-little-happy family. Yeech...

Phoenix - you are right on about feeling like losing control,  I am losing control, in the sense that I'm growing into the more evolved me and that feels awkward. You are very right...thanks for that.

Had a little dream where my relatives staged an Intervention with my NMom, because she refuses to speak to anyone, yet wont say why. In it, I come thinking that we are shipping her off to a treatment center of some sort for her depression and Nism.  When I get there, they tell me they want to "reconcile" with her - they dont seem to think she needs MAJOR help. So, I get up and say, thanks, but I can't help with this. I'm done with her non-sense and have no interest in reconciling. I walk out,  leave and their faces are like WTH? !!!!!!!!

[sKePTiKal]

That's a great dream, Ales! Sounds like you're no longer "of two minds" about the situation -- even your unconscious agrees! Less self-doubt, self-criticism, and lots of self-trust must feel pretty different... it's sorta like new-found "wholeness", I think.

There's a lot of interesting stuff that happens in "awkwardness". New situations, experiences, people, responses to people... I think I'm finally getting a little more comfortable with those moments... and then WHAM - here's a new one again - and it's like I've never learned a thing from all the other awkward moments. Zen mind, Beginner's Mind does have it drawbacks!!

[Twoapenny]

Hi Ales,

I'm glad you're having a good clear out and moving onwards.  Completely understand what you say about the jealousy - I spent entire sessions with my T talking about how much I envied girls I was at school with who left school, got jobs, got married, had kids and lived happily ever after.  I'm at a stage now where I can be happy for someone being happy and not compare myself to them.  I think it's part of the healing thing - I'm alright about what happened now, I've worked through it and can be happy for other people.  It's taken a really long time and I still have spells if things are difficult for me where I don't want to be around happy people!  But it happens less often and doesn't last as long, or feel as intense - it's progress.  You'll get there, too.  I've also learnt that most people have some problems, it's just not always obvious to those around them, so even people who seem to have perfect lives often don't!  Hope things are getting better for you xx

[Ales2]

I've had some very rough days. Spent my birthday all by myself. Took myself to brunch, a bookstore, a movie then had thai food and a drink. I had to ask myself if I could afford all of this... and was trying not to think that most people have someone to spend their bdays with and usually someone who takes them to brunch and movie.

The hardest part of this birthday was I've now hit the age, 44, where I have completely given up on the idea of children and family. Its very hard and when I think about it for more than a passing minute, I can get very, very sad.  Seems to me that life without love and family is barely worth living and how will I live without it?

I feel like I've done all the right things over the last 7 years - did online dating, been set-up, went to singles events, went to therapy, dating coaches and read dozens of dating and relationship books and out of all that I had one relationship that lasted one year. Some of the dating coach stuff worked, thats how I met that guy and had a nice relationship with him until my wounded self kicked in and we broke up. Then I thought I went back to the dating coach and back to the therapist for help. Dating coach helped, therapy was useless. Surely, I've done all the inner work to find someone right for me,  I know who I am and what my limitations are, what my needs are and what I can give to a relationship. I would think I'm ready, but at this age, I'm very discouraged.

So, now my conflict is - I don't want to give up - maybe its too late for kids, but I know I deserve a wonderful relationship and I want to remain open and trying (even though I canceled my online dating accounts). But, I am also torn, if I "give up" and just move on without being bitter, angry and hurt, knowing that if its meant to be, it will come, but I'm afraid I will adopt a bitter, withdrawn and avoidant attitude which of course, won't attract anything but more negativity.

Anyway, not sure what to do.

As for therapy, the T is being completely unhelpful and I've asked why he hasn't offered more guidance or suggestions on how I could improve my life or grow, but I don't want to get sucked into more therapy as I don't think he can help me anymore than he has.  The only prescription I've found for myself is remain NC, strengthen my faith in good things coming from my struggles (I'm stronger than most b/c of what I know/been through) remaining positive, productive and assertive in all my dealings, continuing to work on my emotional triggers/wounds so I am affected by them less and let go/forgive all the nonsense and respect myself above all else.  Thats all I can think to do inwardly to make my life better. 

Anyway, hope all is well here for everyone on the board and thanks for all the support.

[Twoapenny]

Oh Ales, I'm sorry you're having such a bad time at the minute.  I've been at those brick wall places where you've done it all and it still isn't working.  It's a horrible place to be.  It's good that you looked after yourself on your birthday, though, and took yourself out.  Maybe that was your inner mummy looking after your inner child?

Would volunteering with children help?  Or would that be more painful, do you think?  Some people find it's a way of connecting and being around children when they aren't abe to be around their own, for whatever reason.  Knowing you've made a difference to a child's life can be a wonderful thing.

I wonder if sometimes you have to sit still and wait for the world to catch up with your changes?  I feel a bit like that myself now - I've done as much as I can and now I need to sit back and wait to see what the world brings me.  I find it very hard not to be in control and actively work on things - I'm practising doing nothing!  Maybe there's space for something like that at the minute.

A difficult time.  Know that we are all thinking of you and sending positive changes your way xx

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Ales, I'm sorry you're feeling blue & lonely... but I do think I see the reason, if you don't mind a direct, blunt suggestion?

Maybe you could try consciously "giving up" - forgoing - The husband, 2 kids & dog, & white picket fence definition of what the perfect life & total happiness and self-worth is? Maybe? I don't know that this "standard of success/happiness" was ever real, in the first place. But that's not to say that life has to suck, if you really do want this... nor that it doesn't happen to people. Most of the people I know who do have this -- found it by accident, when they weren't expecting it and weren't chasing it. But even when people do find this, it doesn't LAST without a whole lot of painful, tedious, hard work - lots of awkward, difficult conversations, raw feelings, & the courage to face each other, say what you want to say, and then compromise and go on. It's not the "happily ever after" that it's made out to be without it's challenges.

When my D was coming out of her first (awful) marriage and was so emotionally bruised... she came to the conclusion that it might just be better for her to have really, really good friends instead of the hubby - the 'two peas in a pod' scenario. She was working on herself, too. Took a few more terrible disappointments, difficult things, disillusionments... and in the process of trying to keep on keeping on and supporting/being supported by friends... found a very nice man who proposed (and that she would accept - she also learned to be exceedingly picky about her boundaries and who she ALLOWED into that kind of relationship with her). They're in no rush to be married; they'll get around to it when they have time. She doesn't want to have kids. She's willing to adopt later if she changes her mind. And this works for her. She is happier than I've seen her for a long, long time. And there's nothing wrong with that, you know? Sure she still has nightmares; anxiety; the usual... but she's a lot more content and happier; this works... for her, that is...

For you - I think you might've simply convinced yourself you NEED these things to live a fulfilled, happy life. If you could design your own alternative -- if you could be anyone else - and live anyone else's life - what would you be like? Write that story down. THEN, go back & write down the details - be as specific as possible - the story of your "white picket fence" dream. I'm gonna bet you'll see something you didn't know about yourself, comparing the two.

One more necessary piece of advice: NONE of us know what we're going to experience in life, when we're young. What life will throw at us. People live through all kinds of awful trauma - and heal; people live shortened lives of physical deprivation -- and dismal lives of emotional self-deprivation and their lives miraculously change (and I'm gonna bet there's a whole lotta hard work that went into that miraculous change...) -- when we obsess on only one, (seemingly) unobtainable magic happiness solution. At some point, we have to look at what we hoped we'd have in our lives - and what that life might be - and realize that in reality the road is really steep, twisty, and what we THOUGHT back then was our "secret happiness goal" simply may not "fit" anymore - and let it go. We have to adapt to "what is"...

and the unhappiest people I've known were the one's who didn't -- because they were chasing something they had no control over.

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Dang it - I'm so tired from my work trip to the old house I forgot:

I discovered somewhere along my healing path, that I was letting myself indulge in what I call "conditional" thinking. That is when I say: I can only be happy IF - certain conditions exist in my life. Well - I know where I learned that (at my mother's knee). Thing is - it's not fair of me, to do that to myself. When the conditions are removed - let go, forsaken, sacrificed - there is "open space" for happiness to occur spontaneously, which... after studying it so long... I think that's the natural law of happiness - it's spontaneous, it's a short-lived experience of giddiness, total well-being - and simple overall contentment... no longer wishing for, chasing, kicking myself for things that I haven't experienced... and thinking I'd really be happier IF I was, had, did those things. Ya never really know until ya try it, do it, or are it -- and most things are combinations of good/bad together anyway, even puppies & kittens. This "happiness" thing isn't dependent on people - I can be completely alone when it hits me... but it does happen more often around people I enjoy being with.

NO ONE is what they'd call "happy" 365/24/7 everyday of their lives. So I gratefully accept what comes my way - try not to sucker myself into conditional thinking - and cut myself some slack about "expectations". Two art degrees... no real career to speak of in art... and no huge DESIRE to do it... and yet I still brought home 4 boxes of art crap that I've hung on to for 20 years. Did I waste that time in art school? Absolutely not! I enjoyed it and lived it to the fullest... and then I think I just lost interest in it. Been there, done that... move on... you know? Maybe it's some nostalgia thing... once upon a time I did X. Will I make some more pictures? Maybe. I get ideas every once in a while... but what it was for me, it's significance... was a way of expressing myself -- it was my "voice". I'm all talked out except for granny-style advice column blather... yet I'm not bored at all... my life is "fuller" and "richer" in just day to day experience than it's ever been, and that's all right with me.

[Ales2]

Hi Thanks for these posts. I will read and respond to them, I just logged on to note my feeling this minute.  Had a weekend where I realized how much I spent griping....my attitude has to change. There is no doubt that I am bitter, resentful and jealous about how life has turned out well for everyone else but me and left me broke, miserable, alone and unemployed/"working on my own projects". I also observed some of my own behavior this weekend and have realized that two "friends" really are not friends at all and I need to keep my distance.

Anyway, I made one last appointment with the T for tomorrow. I told him I wouldn't talk and I expected him to tell how to improve my life based on me, my situation and something more specific that what is in his books. He asked me to promise I would not "blow up". Not sure what that means, I dont angry and confront, I usually just get sit there annoyed.  Anyway, we will see if he actually suggests stuff for me to think about or work on or whether he gets me to talk and then book more appointments. I will try hard not to talk, I always leave feeling like I dont get enough feedback from him.  He needs to tell me how to resolve my situations  - anything else is a waste of my time.

I will report back tomorrow.
 

[Ales2]

Well, okay,today I wake up slapping myself on the head, thinking "oh yeah" I already went through this.  Yesterday, I made a list of what I call life tools and its about 20 things, attitude, fatih, mantras, habits, intentions, 3 issues/weaknesses, emotional triggers, forgiveness, standard answers etc, my sacred self definition etc.  that are all tools I learned to clarify to get me through stuff. In my Ts book, he uses the phrase emotional roadblocks and when I woke up - I was realizing, oh yeah, this is all a LIE, my emotional roadblock is that I was told/taught something was wrong with me when nothing really is. Inherent worthiness is a given for us all. I feel I'm worthy but imperfect (as we all are). I dont have a problem sometime with worthiness - thats where the conflict is - I know I am worthy and deserving but also not perfect and haven't done everything right. When I focus on the imperfections, its the blockage to moving forward. Its like I worked hard but didnt win and winning is all that matters, so I feel bad or get bitter or dont get to be "qualified".  Also, instead of working on the superficial stuff I missed, I'm left to believe Im not enough or worthy enough.  I keep forgetting I've learned this lesson already, I forget and wander around with what is wrong with me, why isnt it working and then go back to therapy and I'm disappointed when I dont find an answer, because again, I look from the wrong perspective.  yes, I need to grow and improve some things (like everyone else) but the myth of being unworthy is what trips that up.

My sacred self is defined as a kid of an Nmother who was lied to, deceived, misled, manipulated, controlled, betrayed and demeaned to the point I was robbed of self esteem and assertiveness, which is the very skill I need to recover. There is a pyramid here (my three weaknesses) - self esteem, assertiveness then autonomy at the top. Without those foundations, I was never able to be the person I needed to be to achieve my goals. 

I knew alot of this last year actually, especially the sacred self part, but get tripped up with the emotional triggers (which also start bad habits like overeating and overspending and procrastinating) and its gotten worse over the last two years, despite my self awareness. I also have a little hormone imbalance (low progesterone) that also worsens anxiety, just making anything not going well feel much worse. That is currently being treated.

Anyway, so I feel a better today already and more prepared to hear what the T has to say. I think I'm going to have a great day and hope everyone else here does too!

Thanks Dr. G for this space, its a very helpful adjunct to the therapy and my own work.

[Ales2]

Ok, so the visit with the T was not a success. He is aware of my issues and concerns for sure but his advice was not very helpful and not likely something I can/will consider.  Instead of feeling bad about the session,  I guess I realized that I dont always have to take the advice I am given. It was more practical than I wanted and less psychological, but obviously thats what he thinks I need.  Anyway, I'll move forward in my own way - I'm pretty sure that I can.

[sKePTiKal]

oh yeah, this is all a LIE, my emotional roadblock is that I was told/taught something was wrong with me when nothing really is.

Ales, I go through the same "reminding" cycle about the "lie". It's as if the first time 30% of my brain "got it" and then got used to it. If felt like a huge change in me, because it was the first time anything like that had changed. The next reminder, maybe it was extended to another 10%... and then maybe it needs to become my "normal" at the cellular level... (as many times as I've had these "reminder" moments).

All part of the process. Shrug it off (give yourself some slack; no kicking or beating yourself up!) and keep on goin'.

[Ales2]

Thanks Phoenix - the lie is powerful. Its like its ingrained. When I keep searching for answers and meeting with people that I really dont need. I just need to be secure with myself inside. Its so simple and yet so hard for me sometimes. I can also see how many things were done backwards - ever heard the sating - are you doing things to be happy? WRONG ORDER. You do things that demonstrate you already ARE happy. Big difference. I do this with alot of things and I have to remember that! 

I keep saying if I write a book, it will be very indepth and would include practical, psychological and spiritual solutions to each problem.

What I learned from my T experience is what I told him - I am always being pushed into a direction I dont like going in and then I wonder why I am always off course... doing it backwards!

[Ales2]

Can I also say that I find "understanding" or being "misunderstood" as an N wound?  When I was in the T the other it occurs to me how much I need someone to understand and validate my desire for a family. I don't think all my sorority sisters who married between 25 and 30 ever sought understanding for being married. I think they were more self confident and more autonomous than me and just went out and did it.  I get frustrated or feel frustrated when I'm not understood but I doubt very few autonomous and emotionall healthy people have this problem, they assume the problem is with the other person and just do as they wish.

I also think needing to be understood is a major source of frustration and victimization. Victims need someone to validate their feelings when they've been wronged and get victimized again when people don't.

Anyone agree/feel similar with me?

[Ales2]

Had a blowout with my NMother this morning. I really dug into with the insults and for the first time ever, I told her what I really thought of her which is that she is a selfish whore, yep, I said it, I said that she married my Dad for his money and never cared about us kids, as is evident with the abusive treatment and neglect she's shown over the years. Argument started because I am starting my own business venture and we already have financial ties that need to be changed and she started in with the undermining and insults, she thinks what I am doing is a scam and that Im not qualified etc. This coming from a 75 year old woman who has not worked since 1968, when I was born. She married my Dad and had children which she clearly never wanted to avoid having to work. Dad became a very successful physician and we inherited nothing when he died in 2000. She's been living quite well of his money for 12 years now and during that time, has lied to us over the years about her financial situation while undercutting us kids (42 and 44) so that we remain close to her.

I was wrong in what I said, I mean in the sense that it was cruel, but I meant it and I feel its true.  She never got the education she wanted, so she controlled and manipulated us to have one, discouraged my dating life and sabotaged numerous of my relationships and derailed my plans to own a home. Anyway, I still have a lot of resentment with her that comes out in these arguments although I feel so much better afterwards.  She cant hurt me anymore than she already has, there is no chance of us ever having a normal relationship and I dont care to, so I just say.do what I feel.  She incredibly uncaring and completely emotionally immature. There were a couple of areas where I should not have said anything, but not sorry that I did.

Ugh. Nice way to start the weekend.