update - NC broken but will be maintained

[Ales2]

ANGRY. VERY, VERY ANGRY   :evil

T got my NM to pay for future sessions. 

I feel used and controlled. I asked him to let me ask her for future sessions if I needed them. He was supposed to meet with her and get to know her, not get future sessions for me. In doing so, I feel controlled in the sense she is now dictating that course of action, rather than acknowledging she was asked to go to therapy and do her own work. Instead of working on herself, shes indicating I'm the one with the problem.

Thats the end of this. No more therapy from him. I feel like he's violated my trust.

[BonesMS]

ANGRY. VERY, VERY ANGRY   :evil

T got my NM to pay for future sessions. 

I feel used and controlled. I asked him to let me ask her for future sessions if I needed them. He was supposed to meet with her and get to know her, not get future sessions for me. In doing so, I feel controlled in the sense she is now dictating that course of action, rather than acknowledging she was asked to go to therapy and do her own work. Instead of working on herself, shes indicating I'm the one with the problem.

That's the end of this. No more therapy from him. I feel like he's violated my trust.

He DID VIOLATE your trust!  WHAT was he thinking?!?!?!?!?  Apparently, all he saw was Dollar $ign$$$!!!!

Bones

[Ales2]

Hi Bones, thanks for the support. I posted prematurely as I had only one side of the story, but it actually got worse and I actually got hurt more than I expected. Anyway, I am HURT beyond belief and just want to go to bed and sleep it off.

As it turns out he told me she was very frail and has tremors. She duped him, she has no tremors. She's feigned illness before to avoid confict and criticism.  Anyway, I was panicked when I heard him say that and it escalated into a very unpleasant disagreement.  As it turns out he does not think I am "amenable to treatment" and thus my problems cant be solved.  I was heartbroken. He never encouraged me and now I know why. My dark is dark enough to mean I cannot recover. Heartbroken. Its like Ive just been told by the fix it expert I cant be fixed.

It feels meaner and crueler than anything that has ever happened to me. I knew him for four  years and this is all the help he can give me? Im hurting so bad right now. Ive had broken bones in a car accident that felt better than this.

 

[BonesMS]

Hi Bones, thanks for the support. I posted prematurely as I had only one side of the story, but it actually got worse and I actually got hurt more than I expected. Anyway, I am HURT beyond belief and just want to go to bed and sleep it off.

As it turns out he told me she was very frail and has tremors. She duped him, she has no tremors. She's feigned illness before to avoid confict and criticism.  Anyway, I was panicked when I heard him say that and it escalated into a very unpleasant disagreement.  As it turns out he does not think I am "amenable to treatment" and thus my problems cant be solved.  I was heartbroken. He never encouraged me and now I know why. My dark is dark enough to mean I cannot recover. Heartbroken. Its like Ive just been told by the fix it expert I cant be fixed.

It feels meaner and crueler than anything that has ever happened to me. I knew him for four  years and this is all the help he can give me? Im hurting so bad right now. Ive had broken bones in a car accident that felt better than this.

 

I am VERY ANGRY that the therapist would BETRAY you that way!!!!!  What an !@#$% for him to buy into that N!@#$'s B.S.!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  He is NOT worth anyone's time NOR money!!!!!  That's why I want to find a therapist WHO GETS IT about NWomb-Donors and NSperm-Donors!!!!!  Other therapists JUST DON'T GET IT and DO MORE HARM THAN GOOD when they buy into the N's B.S. and invalidate the scapegoat once again!!!!  F**K THAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Bones

[sKePTiKal]

My dark is dark enough to mean I cannot recover. Heartbroken. Its like Ive just been told by the fix it expert I cant be fixed.

Honey, you have been told that BUT that doesn't mean that it's true. You don't have to believe the opinion of someone who was that easily fooled by your Nmom... and you should not, without seriously questioning the validity of that opinion.

Apart from obviously questionable ethics, I am shocked that he doesn't see how he's being used to accomplish Nm's mission. Perhaps his philosophy of therapy is one of the ones that believes everything can be worked out simply by rational discussion. AS IF that were reality in the situations of a lot of us, here. It's incredibly difficult - impossible even - to try to reason with someone in total denial who blames everything on the scapegoat. They aren't being reasonable... so they won't listen to "reason".

He's the wrong therapist for you, Ales. He may not even be the "fix it expert" you expect him to be. Keep looking, though! They are out there. Maybe Nm will continue seeing him... and make him her target... and leave you alone. That sounds like a happy ending for you, right?

[Twoapenny]

Ales, this guy sounds like a conman. Is there a board or some kind of panel you can report him to?

No one is untreatable or unfixable.  Some people are too smart to be conned (you) and some people don't like being found out (him).  It sounds to me like he hasn't encouraged you because he can get more money out of you by keeping you 'broken'.  Why is your mum being asked to pay for your therapy? Major control issues there.  Your life - your situation. Take time out to re-group, collect your thoughts. Keep away from your mum and this man. I am so angry for you. How dare he do this.

This is not your fault.  Take baby steps, focus on what you can work with yourself for now - eat well, swim, walk, read, take care of yourself.  You are stronger than these people and better than them, and this situation. Keep your mum out of the loop.  I know you have business dealings with her but limit it to only what is strictly necessary and strictly business.  Look for ways of getting out of this financial situation with her. I'm horrified at what they've done to you.

[sKePTiKal]

It is possible - frustrating, but possible - to be in business with FOO members. My bro doesn't engage in or participate in general business decisions, except on his own terms & in his own time (P-A), yet expects me to be available to him any/all times he's ready to turn his attention to the matter that's languished for months, or more often, dumping his personal problems on me. He hasn't pushed me over the edge into total sibling melt-down yet - but it's come really close a couple of times.

So close, that my financial team designed a way and nailed down all the details of how I could either get out of the dealings - or force him out. Ultimately, I decided to simply leave be for the time being. But I haven't forgotten my "escape hatch" -- my "when all else fails plan". I survive this arrangement with a minimum of stress by maintaining strong boundaries. Sometimes, I miss something or screw up and leave myself vulnerable... then I just sigh, lay out all the new facts, and try to pick a path through to the result I prefer (and know exactly what/how much I will compromise). It's just a mistake; it's not fatal.

It is not an uncommon situation for members of dysfunctional families to be in business together. It might even be a way to enable & sustain the dysfunction, for all I know. When the emotional dysfunction threatens the business function... then it's time to look at your options. I chose to do my homework ahead of time, and know exactly what options I might choose from, because I feel it's inevitable that the day will come when the business is threatened by the interpersonal dysfunction.

Even though part of me still keeps the door ajar for a miracle to happen, via hope.

[Ales2]

I dread going but have an appointment with the T today. This was made weeks ago while all the other stuff was happening and I kept it on my calendar. I feel very much done like there is no more progress to be made here. We never got to the discussion of personal responsibility, so thats what I am expecting. We'll see. 

[Ales2]

 

I was doing fine till the last five minutes of the session. Seems that NMom wants to check in with him to be sure I will be OK.  I WILL NEVER BE OK! Its that simple.


 

[Twoapenny]

Ales, this all sounds very unprofessional, I think you need to stop using this therapist asap.

PS  You will be okay - but it sounds like you need your mum and this T out of your life at this point for that to happen xx

[Ales2]

Thanks Two and everyone else for their posts.

I am not sure exactly what to do. I dont think my problems will be solved with further therapy - and dont think hers will either. My thought was just that maybe he might be able to explain something I could not and maybe hearing it from a professional would give credibility and meaning to my feelings that she wont accept from me.  I also thought the T would benefit from seeing what I deal with.  Seems like it did, but still not sure that changes anything.

I guess I can also say I tried everything I could and I just want to be at peace once and for all.

[Hopalong]

Ales, I am so sorry for all the fear and pain you're going through.

I swear, I truly believe the most revelatory thing to me about living through, enduring emotions of such rollercoasterishness, obsession, and at times despair...and reaching the grizzled age of 62, is that living through it, you DO come to feel differently. The old cliche about time? It's true.

This can heal.

I think you are intensely focused on having someone outside of yourself say/do/demonstrate the just-right thing that will make you feel okay.

But nobody can. Except you, and the capacity to do that (which you have lost faith in) is NOT GONE.
It is still inside you. It is. You actually DO have everything you need to heal and learn and find hope and happiness.

it is not a special club that everybody has the key to except Ales. It is a birthright, and you do have the key. You just are so busy hitting (yourself) with your fists that you can't relax enough to recognize there is a key in your palm.

No magic key. Just, the plain old human-being-can-heal key. Most of us, except the psychotic, have one too. My advice would be to not only trust the therapy as much as feels right (even if you change therapists)...but to also search for some other settings that are healing. For me, it's UUisn. For others, it's dance. Massage. Woo-woo work. Creativity. Volunteering. Rocking babies in a NICU.

Some combination of meaningful actions that actually transform your brain, and slowwwly change your life.

I send you much support and hope. Panic, despair, and declarations of hopelessness are symptoms. They're not the truth. And they're not more real than finding reasons to engage in life, and to hope. They're just habits.

love to you,
Hops